Those little things

[Missinyou]

Had a bad day today... Back to the discussion of those little things that trip your trigger... I had one today. It started right after church when the minister asked how I was doing, and one statement lead to another...that started it. Then I wrote two checks to my sister-in-law. One from our business account, which I took over, and one from our personal account. It just so happened the business account was the last check that had Patsy's name on it and the personal one was the last one of thirty years of having both our names on the check. I didn't realize it till I went to replace the books...and the tears started, and they rained down for a long time. Just a couple more hurdles to get over. You wonder if you will ever quit finding those little things that bring the tears pouring down. I just pray to God to give me the strength to make it through.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Missinyou- I understand. Hang in there brother. There will be other things alone this road that will cause tears to flow. But remember that you are progressing every day, one hurdle at a time. You are making progress, you are continuing forward. I know it's hard, but you will make it. Remember that we are not of this world, we are aliens and sojourners just passing through. A link in your chain has been broken and taken away, but someday all the links will have eternal welds putting them back together again. One day at a time, Press On!

 

[faithgoeson]

Had a bad day today... Back to the discussion of those little things that trip your trigger... I had one today. It started right after church when the minister asked how I was doing, and one statement lead to another...that started it. Then I wrote two checks to my sister-in-law. One from our business account, which I took over, and one from our personal account. It just so happened the business account was the last check that had Patsy's name on it and the personal one was the last one of thirty years of having both our names on the check. I didn't realize it till I went to replace the books...and the tears started, and they rained down for a long time. Just a couple more hurdles to get over. You wonder if you will ever quit finding those little things that bring the tears pouring down. I just pray to God to give me the strength to make it through.

Lord, we pray this simple pray that you remember our hurting friend in Christ through this long journey of grief. We know too well the struggles he will face, and the pain that sometimes seems to much to bear. We know, Lord, that You share in our pain--and You surely do not wish for us to struggle alone. Wrap Your loving arms around our dear friend, and all of those who are struggling right now. Be the Comfortor I know you to be, and the Friend you are ever constant being. Thank you, Lord, for being our Friend, Comfortor, and Healer. Help us all to remember that You will fix this, and our pain is merely a stepping stone on our way to everlasting peace with You. Thank you, Lord. In Your name, Amen

 

[Missinyou]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement and your prayers. Today I had the flip side of the check thing. Wrote the first one with just my name on it but it went a lot better than yesterday. At least I didn't break down in the middle of Wal Mart and make a fool of myself.

 

[Nelle]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement and your prayers. Today I had the flip side of the check thing. Wrote the first one with just my name on it but it went a lot better than yesterday. At least I didn't break down in the middle of Wal Mart and make a fool of myself.

Hello all. I am glad you did better today, missinyou. It sure is intense to face again and again at unexpected intervals the loss of our spouse.

BTW, TO ALL: IF YOU ARE RECENTLY WIDOWED, DON'T BE IN A BIG HURRY TO CLOSE JOINT BANK ACCOUNTS THAT YOU AND YOUR LATE SPOUSE SHARED. YOU MIGHT NEED IT IF / WHEN YOU GET ANY CHECKS MADE PAYABLE TO BOTH OF YOU.

This is something I learned when I was a bank teller a couple decades ago. Ladies would bring in checks made payable to Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so, and they would want to deposit it in their single account, and we could not do it. So often, they would say that when their spouse died they had closed the joint account.

It's been 27 months since DH died, and I still have one of our joint checking accounts open. Happily there are no monthly service fees attached to it. One odd thing that happened after DH's death is that in the mail I received a check payable to him and his *first* wife, from whom he was divorced 15 years -- it was a state gov't refund plus interest check for income tax they had overpaid long ago. DH had never stayed in touch w/ his ex-wife, and I have no way of contacting her, so that check never got deposited, not that she would have been able to do anything with it either. (I have googled her but didn't get anywhere -- I never met her. Odd, she probably doesn't even know he died.)

Off topic slightly: This is my third Christmas without my husband and I still find myself reacting to displays of gifts that are the particular kinds of thing he liked. I go, Oh, wow, look! DH would like one of those! And then, Oops, I don't buy gifts for DH anymore. This is the first year I haven't broken down crying when that happens. There are still plenty of things I *do* cry over, though.

I think when I first lost him, I thought, well, the next year will be really hard. Little did I know the year after that would be hard, too, though probably not AS hard. Just because it's not as hard as the first year doesn't mean it's easy! Sigh.

Blessings, love, and mercy on all of you,
Nelle

 

[dily4ever]

Hi,

I just joined this forum. My husband passed away 15 days ago.... and I can identify fully with what all of you have shared about those little things.

I went grocery shopping today but ended up just buying all sorts of junk food. I cannot bear to buy any real or healthy food cos' there is no one to share them with me anymore. And when I saw all the nice clothes in the shops, my heart ached so badly - I can never buy another outfit for my darling again. I used to buy all his clothes and accessories as I loved to dress him up! I find myself thinking that this or that outfit would look nice on him; this pair of watch would have suited him.... it hurts real bad.

I find that there is no more meaning and purpose in life - no reason to enjoy food or diet, no purpose in spending or saving money.... what is the use when there is no one waiting for me at home, ever again?

 

[pauldst]

Hi,

I just joined this forum. My husband passed away 15 days ago.... and I can identify fully with what all of you have shared about those little things.

I went grocery shopping today but ended up just buying all sorts of junk food. I cannot bear to buy any real or healthy food cos' there is no one to share them with me anymore. And when I saw all the nice clothes in the shops, my heart ached so badly - I can never buy another outfit for my darling again. I used to buy all his clothes and accessories as I loved to dress him up! I find myself thinking that this or that outfit would look nice on him; this pair of watch would have suited him.... it hurts real bad.

I find that there is no more meaning and purpose in life - no reason to enjoy food or diet, no purpose in spending or saving money.... what is the use when there is no one waiting for me at home, ever again?

Dily4ever, welcome.

I know it is hard. I spent 5 years learning to be half of Paul & Cheryl, and now I am just Paul again. The purposelessness can be overwhelming. Today I am struggling with it, being 'here' instead of getting work done; it is hard to keep focused on things for the future when the one that you were building the future with is gone.

But let me encourage you to look to the Lord for purpose and meaning. God has been so real and encouraging to me since Oct. when Cheryl died. He has spoken to me so many times about how He has a purpose for me and my life has meaning. He has supernaturally given me peace and comfort. He has shown me His provision and love. He has been faithful to me and will be to you, just look to Him and praise Him (no matter what!).

Lord, please be with dily4ever. Let her be given comfort and peace above and beyond her expectations and understanding. Please give her new hope and show her that you do have a wonderful future for her here. And let her find meaning and purpose again. Again, Lord, let her be filled with Your comfort and peace. In Jesus name, amen.

Paul

 

[JeanR]

dillly4ever
Welcome to our forum. You will find comfort here. We are all in different stages of mourning. Whatever you are feeling, we understand. Don't be afraid to express your feelings to us because there will be no judgment. We're there, too!

The thing I have discovered is how rapidly feelings and even decisions can change. Hang in there. We love you!


Nelle
Thank you for that info on the joint accounts. I have kept our joint account open because Terry's employer (in other words, his dad) is giving me his paycheck through the end of the year. I was planning on closing the account at that time. I will keep it open now.

 

[Nelle]

Nelle
Thank you for that info on the joint accounts. I have kept our joint account open because Terry's employer (in other words, his dad) is giving me his paycheck through the end of the year. I was planning on closing the account at that time. I will keep it open now.

You're welcome, Jean! The most obvious joint check will be your income tax return, but there could be other ones as well. If I hadn't relocated eleven hundred miles away from where I lived w/ DH about a year ago, I would have kept both of our joint ckg. accts open indefinitely.

Good night, hugs,
Nelle

 

[Missinyou]

I do taxes for several people but never for anyone who lost a spouse. Does the refund check (if you should be so lucky to get money back) come in both names even though you put down that the spouse is deceased? I never had to worry because I always had to pay anywhere up to five hundred bucks.

 

[faithgoeson]

I do taxes for several people but never for anyone who lost a spouse. Does the refund check (if you should be so lucky to get money back) come in both names even though you put down that the spouse is deceased? I never had to worry because I always had to pay anywhere up to five hundred bucks.

When I did my taxes after Donny died, I had to file on him because I didn't work that year. I went online to www.taxesbyexperts.com and was able to file very easily. The check even came to me, no problems. It was much better than having to go into an office, nearly crying, trying to do his taxes.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

I do taxes for several people but never for anyone who lost a spouse. Does the refund check (if you should be so lucky to get money back) come in both names even though you put down that the spouse is deceased? I never had to worry because I always had to pay anywhere up to five hundred bucks.

Missinyou- good question. My Ginger died in January of this year. When I filed taxes for 2005, I filed a joint return and signed "Spouse Deceased" for her signature. I didn't have any problems with the refunds, but I think I probably had our joint checking account still open. I don't remember if the check came to just me or to her and I together. At any rate, I'll have to file a joint return again this year since Ginger died January 31. I no longer have our joint checking account. I hope I can get the check cashed.....

 

[faithgoeson]

Missinyou- good question. My Ginger died in January of this year. When I filed taxes for 2005, I filed a joint return and signed "Spouse Deceased" for her signature. I didn't have any problems with the refunds, but I think I probably had our joint checking account still open. I don't remember if the check came to just me or to her and I together. At any rate, I'll have to file a joint return again this year since Ginger died January 31. I no longer have our joint checking account. I hope I can get the check cashed.....

Most banks will go ahead and cash it if they know your situation. If not, you just go to your local Probate lawyer/officer--whatever is in your county. If it's not a huge thing, they can help you very easily. Very rarely does it require court or anything.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

That sounds easy enough. As always, I'll leave it in His hands. Thanks Faith.

 

[Missinyou]

Yes, thank you for the tip Faith. I will keep that in mind. With the business we had, I am well aquainted with the bank staff...simply because my sister-in-law works there and a lot of them were Patsy's clients at the beauty shop.

 

[carolmarie]

I was advised by someone at my bank to keep at least one joint account open until all my affairs were settled--just in case I would receive checks in both our names. I have decided to wait until after my tax return to take my deceased husband's name off this one account. (you can write "For Deposit Only" in lieu of signatures.)

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

"For Deposit Only" doesn't always work. Most banks were I live are going away from that. They are beginning to insist on signatures.

 

[faithgoeson]

When I had Donny's last two paychecks to cash, I went straight to my local probate officer for the county. They gave me their permission to sign his name on all checks, as well as the titles to our vehicles. They didn't even charge me any money for their services. Since no one in the family contested that our stuff was mine, it was very easy to handle.

 

[pauldst]

I met with our attorney last week about this stuff. In Iowa if an estate nets less than $50,000 then it all goes to the spouse without needing probate. I don't need to file anything except a couple of affidavits showing that deeds transfer to me. I have also found that Cheryl's Federally backed student loans are all canceled upon her death and I do not have to pay any credit cards expenses that are in her name only that are not for household expenses. Title on her car transferred to me without fuss, also.

Many blessings found, and some wonderful provision from God, but I have still been struggling with discouragement as I try to sort out bills and start updating the books that are 4 months out of date. Some of the expenses that I am finding that need to be paid that I had not thought of before now...it makes me appreciate her even more, and now she is not here for me to tell her....

Paul

 

[JeanR]

In Pennsylvania, whatever is jointly owned automatically goes to the surviving spouse and there isn't any tax; however, if the person who died had anything in their name only, then it must go through probate.

Terry had stock in his family's business was in his name only. Because of that I have to go through probate--still don't have to pay taxes because Terry's will states everything goes to me and I am the surviving spouse. And, because Terry has an estate his credit cards have to be paid out of his estate. Bummer. Especially since I have always been careful not to incur credit card debt.

But, his Parent Plus Loans that he took to pay for our children's college education are forgiven. Thank you Department of Ed!!