Thorn in My Side

OK Jeff · May 21, 2018

She wants things done, she asks me to do it, then stands over me, micromanaging me, telling me every detail of how to do it. It drives me up the wall. Sometimes it’s downright infuriating. I’ve told her a hundred times,what I’m hearing is “you’re an idiot who can’t do the smallest task without I tell you how”. Yet it continues. Yesterday, after an afternoon of working in her yard, being talked down to, i came in and she handed me an air freshener, asking me to put the mounting bracket in it. I immediately begin examining it (its plastic so I don’t want to force it and potentially break it), after a few seconds she takes it away from me, and begins telling me how it goes together. By then i’d already figured it out BTW. I just left the room and turned on the TV. About five minutes she brings it to me, hands it back to me, telling me how to do it (which she couldn’t). I quickly slipped it together and handed it back without having said a word or looking at her. Clearly I’m still aggravated this morning. Last night I was sideways enough over it, I refused my “reward” for working in her projects. That’s very unusual for me. Just venting I guess.

Enigma42310 · May 21, 2018

Yikes, sex is a reward for doing physical labor while being yelled at and disrespected? I'm so sorry =(

I have been working on how I speak to my husband because I've found that when I'm frustrated or hurt by something else, it really impacts how I act around him for longer than I thought. We read the 5 Love Languages and I read a couple of Laura Doyle's books (the surrendered wife and the empowered wife), they helped us significantly. Our problems stemmed from poor communication and not having enough respect for each other and what we brought to the marriage, those books gave us the tools to turn it around. =)

SkyWriting · May 21, 2018

OK Jeff said:
She wants things done, she asks me to do it, then stands over me, micromanaging me, telling me every detail of how to do it. It drives me up the wall. Sometimes it’s downright infuriating. I’ve told her a hundred times,what I’m hearing is “you’re an idiot who can’t do the smallest task without I tell you how”. Yet it continues. Yesterday, after an afternoon of working in her yard, being talked down to, i came in and she handed me an air freshener, asking me to put the mounting bracket in it. I immediately begin examining it (its plastic so I don’t want to force it and potentially break it), after a few seconds she takes it away from me, and begins telling me how it goes together. By then i’d already figured it out BTW. I just left the room and turned on the TV. About five minutes she brings it to me, hands it back to me, telling me how to do it (which she couldn’t). I quickly slipped it together and handed it back without having said a word or looking at her. Clearly I’m still aggravated this morning. Last night I was sideways enough over it, I refused my “reward” for working in her projects. That’s very unusual for me. Just venting I guess.

There are very specific techniques for dealing with micro-managers and you should dive into the advice that's out there deeply. Eventually you will find a method that will communicate your needs well.

Dave-W · May 21, 2018

Enigma42310 said:
Yikes, sex is a reward for doing physical labor while being yelled at and disrespected? I'm so sorry =(

Its not that uncommon.

Pat Benatar sang about it on her 1985 "Seven the Hard Way" album's lead off song "Sex as a Weapon."

In high school I remember overhearing my mom and stepdad talk about his oldest son. His wife was charging him $100 every time he wanted sex. (that was in 1970 so it would be about $650-$700 today)

Halbhh · May 21, 2018

OK Jeff said:
She wants things done, she asks me to do it, then stands over me, micromanaging me, telling me every detail of how to do it. It drives me up the wall. Sometimes it’s downright infuriating. I’ve told her a hundred times,what I’m hearing is “you’re an idiot who can’t do the smallest task without I tell you how”. Yet it continues. Yesterday, after an afternoon of working in her yard, being talked down to, i came in and she handed me an air freshener, asking me to put the mounting bracket in it. I immediately begin examining it (its plastic so I don’t want to force it and potentially break it), after a few seconds she takes it away from me, and begins telling me how it goes together. By then i’d already figured it out BTW. I just left the room and turned on the TV. About five minutes she brings it to me, hands it back to me, telling me how to do it (which she couldn’t). I quickly slipped it together and handed it back without having said a word or looking at her. Clearly I’m still aggravated this morning. Last night I was sideways enough over it, I refused my “reward” for working in her projects. That’s very unusual for me. Just venting I guess.

The most powerful way to change the situation with another person is to your own gains inside, yourself. All people can grow and gain, so of course it's part of the wonderful blessing you can have as much as anyone else, but when you gain and grow, then she won't be able to relate to you the same way in time. Part of what is happening is that her weakness (wrong way of dealing with life traumas) is connecting to your weakness. But through Christ you can gain and gain, and then as you pray for growth and change and healing in yourself, day after day, such as by praying the Lord's prayer (which you know is perfectly following God's will and so you can pray it with the required total belief), and then adding special requests such as (from my own personal life for me): "Father, change my heart so that I can forgive my neighbor fully" (my own example right from my own life in the last few years) -- you can get powerful change, growth, healing, gains. It's so wonderful, what Christ can do for us, when we take His words in more fully, and listen, and let His words change us.

Enigma42310 · May 21, 2018

Dave-W said:
Its not that uncommon.

Pat Benatar sang about it on her 1985 "Seven the Hard Way" album's lead off song "Sex as a Weapon."

In high school I remember overhearing my mom and stepdad talk about his oldest son. His wife was charging him $100 every time he wanted sex. (that was in 1970 so it would be about $650-$700 today)

Wow!! Haha I don't know what to say to that last part..things don't work quite that way in my house lol.
Btw I saw that you left me a message but I'm new here and can't figure out how to respond it.

Dave-W · May 21, 2018

Enigma42310 said:
Wow!! Haha I don't know what to say to that last part..things don't work quite that way in my house lol.

Even as a high school kid that sounded a whole lot like prostitution to me. It seemed really sad and harsh.

Enigma42310 said:
Btw I saw that you left me a message but I'm new here and can't figure out how to respond it.

That's ok. You will get the hang of how the forum works before too long.

Post another 5 posts and you can start messaging people.

BTW - could you put up a post in the Introduction folder and tell us all a bit about yourself?

Tropical Wilds · May 21, 2018

Micromanaging is annoying, but what sticks out for me is you hearing “you’re an idiot who can’t do the smallest task without I tell you how” when she tells you how to do something. That’s not what she’s saying when she tells you how something she needs done should be done... For example, with the air freshener, she probably had and read the instructions and you didn’t so she told you. With yard work, she may need it done a specific way because as the old saying goes, help is only helpful if it’s helpful. Getting something done on a honey do list isn’t actually done if it’s done in a way that’s not what she needs. It’s not that you don’t know how to do something, just that you may not know how she needs it done.

Internalizing feedback and taking direction poorly isn’t uncommon, but it is something one can work on... As is how you respond to it. Like being upset for the rest of the day because your wife was telling you how to assemble an air fresher, you ignoring it to see if you could figure it out on your own, then ultimately doing it but being “sideways” about it for the rest of the day seems a overreaction.

Maybe the next step is to work on accepting feedback and direction without taking it personally, changing your inner monologue, and not dwelling on your negative feelings and allowing it to cloud an entire day. You can’t force her or make her never tell you how to do something, but you can change how you respond to it.

akmom · May 21, 2018

Am I missing something? Why can't your wife do these things herself?

mama2one · May 21, 2018

sorry OP for what seems to be micromanaging
what you could do is patiently show your wife how to do some of the things she asks you to do

if you're ever not at home, women need to be able to know how to turn the water valve off, use tools, etc

if you show her how to do things and put it that way (in case am not here), she may be open to doing it

also, do you show her enough attention?
cause asking to do "simple" things, could be a way of getting attention from you

grasping the after wind · May 21, 2018

Tropical Wilds said:
Micromanaging is annoying, but what sticks out for me is you hearing “you’re an idiot who can’t do the smallest task without I tell you how” when she tells you how to do something. That’s not what she’s saying when she tells you how something she needs done should be done... For example, with the air freshener, she probably had and read the instructions and you didn’t so she told you. With yard work, she may need it done a specific way because as the old saying goes, help is only helpful if it’s helpful. Getting something done on a honey do list isn’t actually done if it’s done in a way that’s not what she needs. It’s not that you don’t know how to do something, just that you may not know how she needs it done.

Internalizing feedback and taking direction poorly isn’t uncommon, but it is something one can work on... As is how you respond to it. Like being upset for the rest of the day because your wife was telling you how to assemble an air fresher, you ignoring it to see if you could figure it out on your own, then ultimately doing it but being “sideways” about it for the rest of the day seems a overreaction.

Maybe the next step is to work on accepting feedback and direction without taking it personally, changing your inner monologue, and not dwelling on your negative feelings and allowing it to cloud an entire day. You can’t force her or make her never tell you how to do something, but you can change how you respond to it.

akmom said:
Am I missing something? Why can't your wife do these things herself?

Seems to me that if one insists upon a thing being done in the way they want it done and will not accept that others might do it another way then one needs to do it oneself.

Tropical Wilds · May 21, 2018

grasping the after wind said:
Seems to me that if one insists upon a thing being done in the way they want it done and will not accept that others might do it another way then one needs to do it oneself.

Sometimes one doesn’t have the ability, time, or means to do it for themselves and they have to ask for help to get it done the way it needs to be done.

grasping the after wind · May 21, 2018

Tropical Wilds said:
Sometimes one doesn’t have the ability, time, or means to do it for themselves and they have to ask for help to get it done.

And as the old saying goes "Beggars can't be choosers." Either do it yourself, or allow the person kind enough to do it for you to do it in whatever way he/she sees fit.

Tropical Wilds · May 21, 2018

grasping the after wind said:
And as the old saying goes "Beggars can't be choosers." Either do it yourself, or allow the person kind enough to do it for you to do it in whatever way he/she sees fit.

Telling your spouse, of all people, that if she needs help with a task that you will do it the way you want and she can’t let you know how she needs it done and if she doesn’t like how you do it then “beggars can’t be choosers” is very childish and petty. In a partnership, somebody should be able to request and get help in the manner they need, not told that if they’re going to ask for help, they don’t get to complain or direct how the help is given.

This isn’t a some stranger who’s kind enough to grace you with the favor of helping you with something... It’s your spouse. There is no “they were kind enough to help you” here... Helping your spouse is one of the most basic and foundational goals of a relationship.

wagonwheel69 · May 21, 2018

If your wife is really this micromanaging it's unhealthy controlling behavior and sin. While I don't know her nor intimately know the circumstances it can be indicative of much bigger problems. If you're making it clear that she's hurting you with that behavior yet it continues, there are issues that must be resolved. Even if it's not resolved or healed quickly I would encourage you to at least make it a priority to identify the bigger issues. The populist grain these days that would say you should just suffer in virtual silence and let living as an example be your primary strategy however many people who suffer with control issues thrive in this environment. My wife had these issues early on and it morphed into much worse abusive behavior, going from being controlling to get what she wanted to simply denying me what I want and need and into all out unacceptable abuse. The more giving I was the worse she became. I suffered through it for far too many years feeling I was taking the high ground and showing the love of Christ until I woke up and realized I wasn't the man I wanted to be anymore. If studying God's word with her is ineffective I'd suggest discussing with a pastor and then moving on to counseling if need be and be on guard for other signs.

Halbhh · May 21, 2018

wagonwheel69 said:
If your wife is really this micromanaging it's unhealthy controlling behavior and sin. While I don't know her nor intimately know the circumstances it can be indicative of much bigger problems. If you're making it clear that she's hurting you with that behavior yet it continues, there are issues that must be resolved. Even if it's not resolved or healed quickly I would encourage you to at least make it a priority to identify the bigger issues. The populist grain these days that would say you should just suffer in virtual silence and let living as an example be your primary strategy however many people who suffer with control issues thrive in this environment. My wife had these issues early on and it morphed into much worse abusive behavior, going from being controlling to get what she wanted to simply denying me what I want and need and into all out unacceptable abuse. The more giving I was the worse she became. I suffered through it for far too many years feeling I was taking the high ground and showing the love of Christ until I woke up and realized I wasn't the man I wanted to be anymore. If studying God's word with her is ineffective I'd suggest discussing with a pastor and then moving on to counseling if need be and be on guard for other signs.

Yep. We do often see the other person's sin pretty quickly, or at least our first impression of what we think is their sin (like a partially correct version). It's our own that is so hard to see. It's after we find our own that we are so much in a better place to help another. Psalm 139 is a wonderful prayer for anyone, at anytime. I was using it not long ago, so it came to mind. Knowing that all sin, all fall short, helps us forgive. We realize that they, just like ourselves, are debtors with debts too large to repay! Matthew 18:21-35 Then truly relying on Christ and truly forgiving -- even in the heart!! -- this is more powerful than merely putting up with it, so vastly more powerful to help us. As we forgive them truly from the heart, with His help (prayer as needed), then we suddenly shift the ground underneath them. It's not even slightly like tolerating their wrongdoing, or taking the high ground. It's moving all the ground entirely, a total shift. It removes their wrongful power over your feelings, though another key part of this total change of the situation for me was to begin doing the greatest commandment which profoundly increased the love I felt from God (because I opened my heart better doing the commandment), and that support is so powerful. It's a revolution.

Dave-W · May 21, 2018

wagonwheel69 said:
If your wife is really this micromanaging it's unhealthy controlling behavior and sin.

Sorry, but I missed the verse that says "Thou shalt not micromanage."

Can you give me the reference?

wagonwheel69 · May 21, 2018

Dave-W said:
Sorry, but I missed the verse that says "Thou shalt not micromanage."

Can you give me the reference?

It's right there about 2/3rds into Leviticus, wow how do you miss that one??? LOL

akmom · May 21, 2018

Tropical Wilds said:
Sometimes one doesn’t have the ability, time, or means to do it for themselves and they have to ask for help to get it done the way it needs to be done.

If she is standing over him telling him how to do it the whole time, it sounds like she has the time and know-how. That's why I asked why she couldn't do it. Perhaps he is taller, stronger? I made my husband buy me a lawn mower that I could pull start, because the old one we had just about ripped my arm off to start, and I was tired of asking him to mow the lawn all the time. We stocked up on ladders and step stools too. It's better to make accommodations than to use your limitations as an excuse to treat your spouse like a personal slave.

faroukfarouk · May 21, 2018

*LILAC said:
OK, why is it "her" yard? Don't you two share the property and the house?
For such a small task, I'd just respond with something along the lines of, "but honey, you do things so well, why don't you just do it?" Then leave her to task.

It takes two...

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