This might get long, but it really is bothering me.

[ManofShadows]

Okay. I'm shaking pretty bad and I had a bad, bad time a few minutes ago. I'll start with the back story, because it's important. Several years ago, probably four, now, I met a gal in a chat room and we sparked pretty well. We would talk for hours and hours at a time, and it got serious, at least as serious as it can get over the 'net. She was amazing and fun and well... I was never lonely with her to talk to. I've never been a really social person, and close friends are... very very few, to say the least. She was kind of off the wall, she had mood swings and changes of heart every two minutes, but I think I truly love(d) her.
Now it's been a year, or close to it, since she began to break off. She started drinking, doing drugs, other unmentionables, really awful. This is six or seven months after she goes to a youth camp and becomes born again. I had had problems with religion ever since my father died (another long story), but I took the steps with her and was going to church twice or more a week. I was really crushed by what she did, and I wish it never happened. But I didn't say anything at all, because I wanted her to be happy, and I couldn't do that for her. Since she took off, I've seen her a brief handful of times, and the last time she said she had a fiance. That's wonderful news, but she was interested in a new guy every three or four days...
She introduced me to this forum, but after she hurt me with the drugs and drinking, I stopped coming here. I tried to purge her from my memories. Everything about her, but I just never could. Sometimes I would have a bad night, and eventually just began taking Tylenol PM to help me fall asleep.
Here comes a problem. This morning, I was awakened suddenly by my mother. My younger brother (who is 17), had stormed out of the house in a suicidal rage, and while I never asked for the whole story, I could guess. It shook me, because he is my brother. He's another story... but momma was crying so hard... I felt awful inside. I wondered what it could be that happened, posting the story on another forum I frequent, but only got negative replies. Trolling and flaming, so to speak. After a while, I played a game of Warcraft 3. Then I came here. Just to find some help, some support.
For about two weeks now, I have had tons of trouble sleeping. I've probably taken 350 or 400 Tylenol PMs in the last month. I don't need a medical opinion on it, I know it's messing me up. But for probably 3/4 of those nights, I've been thinking about that girl. Wondering what happened, hoping she's alright, wishing for who knows what. The night before last I had a vivid dream where I spoke with her again. Found out she was doing alright... and I awoke feeling really good. So maybe I just need some closure? But I can't reach her. I'm afraid to call, if she is married (unlikely... but anything is possible) I don't want to annoy her or put problems she doesn't need on her.(I'm really shaking bad now). I saw her twice on AIM, both times I logged onto an older name (I got a new one earlier this year to stop seeing her online), but she was away. I looked her up on these forums a little while ago, and sent her a PM. Then I read her profile, where things really went bad. I'd never gotten a picture of her before, and she's got one here. I stared at it for probably ten minutes, with no thoughts or anything. Then I felt my heart drop and got really, really depressed. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what's wrong with me. Is there anyone who has any thoughts or opinions for me? I'm dreading the rest of today, contemplating whether to go to bed in the afternoon, or evening, drug assisted, of course. Thanks for listening... I know it is a lot.
Sigh... this is incredibly hard for me, but I need to get it out.

 

[rgbivens]

ManofShadows...first off I just want to pray for you.

Dear God, I want to come to you today and thank you for ManofShadows. He has been having some problems and only you can help him. God I just pray that you give him wisdom, guidence, and a calm heart about this matter. Amen

I think that you really need to pray and ask God what you should do. He is the only one that can help you. I can however tell you that taking pills to go to sleep is not what God wants. God wants you in control of your own body, taking that many pills takes control away from you.

Maybe try praying everytime you think about her or anything else and asking for a peace.

I wish the best for you and I will continue to lift you up in my prayers and I will ask my sunday school to pray for you too. There is power in prayer.

-Grant

 

[ManofShadows]

I do pray. As often as I can find the words, hoping that whoever may be listening puts a thought in my head... gives me some idea. Or even just something to lighten the problem... make it easier to bear.

And a side note, about the sleeping drugs, if I needed, I could stop today. Never have them again. I take them because, sometimes at night, the darkness and the loneliness bother the heck out of me, and it is hard to take. But (thankfully!), I haven't got anything to do for about a month... giving me ample time to create a steady pattern. I am barely holding onto the control over myself, the pills hasten me to sleep. I'm sorry if you readers think I'm insane because of it, because I probably am, and I do appreciate every word the above poster said. And the same appreciation to the handful of you who've read it. There aren't enough smiles and hugs in the world for how greatful I am, (sorry, I can't think of the right spelling), just to be heard, and to imagine that people care and pray for me. I feel so much better than I did before I typed that out. These forums truly are a gift from heaven.

 

[Babymine]

I dont feel im qualified to tell you what to do or anything as im struggling pretty bad right now myself, but have you ever considered keeping a journal or blogging online? It's like talking to someone but not having to worry about what they think of you. It's getting things off your chest and out in the open. And sometimes, you can read back and see what you need to do. It will just hit you, you were staring at it all along. Read back what you said. You did write down exactly what you need in order to go on you know. You said you need closure. You cant do it alone, you need her help. It's hard, but try again to contact her, tell her you just need some closure. Ask if she would be willing to help. Even if she says no, at least you have a solid answer. There's nothing in the air. uncertainty cant steal your sleep.

 

[Busybee]

Your wanting to sleep all of the time sounds alot like depression (been there and done that).

I also went through what you're going through in real life though with someone who broke it off with me. I thought the sun set and rose on him, but instead I now realize being with him was hindering my walk with the Lord and he wasn't the one I was intended to be with. I've been blessed with a wonderful, supportive husband, and two beautiful girls all because I finally got hold of myself and let go of what I wanted for myself and instead allowed God to bring my husband into my life.

It was hard, but I had to learn to focus my time and energy into something else positive. I was a pretty shy person back then as well and as long as I was sitting there in my sadness, it consumed me. All I say, is don't go off and start doing anything wild/ungodly (been there and done that as well) to help cover your pain and make you stop thinking about the young lady. You'll wind up regretting anything that's not holy after you've emotionally worked all of this stuff through.

Find a church activity you can get involved in. With the holidays coming up there's lots of stuff to do, either alone, with a friend, or even your mom. Rent a comedy to make yourself laugh and above all pray when you start to feel the sad bug nipping at you.

I do understand where you're coming from and I just pray you'll take my advice and try to get out a little. Be happy my friend because this situation simply means that the Lord has something better planned for you
Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses.

 

[crossrunner]

I'm praying for you dear one. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Welcome to CF. We are very kind and supportive here. God bless you.

cr

 

[ManofShadows]

I just talked to her. Well, kind of. She said all of ten words the whole time, and was nasty towards me. She said she's okay... and I feel better. I told her most of the things I wrote up there, a few new ones (like why this week was so hard...), and then she went away without another word. I told her I really do hope she's doing well, and that her fiance treats her nice. She was "shaving her legs" for 30 minutes before I signed off again, and then came to report to anyone who's wondering. I know I'll do fine here at CF, and I hope that I can find someone who needs help, so that they don't end up so sleepless they turn to pills to fix it for so long.
On another note... I was diagnosed depressed several years ago, but have since stopped seeing a doctor and am not on any medication. I had been doing extraordinarily well until this week. Last weekend, a friend of mine (Britt) said that she wanted to talk to me about something, but was afraid it would complicate our friendship. She had been hiding feelings about me for several months... but I don't know why, exactly. This came as a shock... because I've always thought of her more as a little sister (shes like six years younger than me), but I said ok. I listened and told her it was a surprise... and that I would need some time to think. Two weeks ago, the day before Thanksgiving, I surprised my long-term friend, short-term girlfriend with a question (yeah, that question). She and I have been friends for longer than time has existed, but hadn't become anything serious until earlier this year. She means the world to me, but she's got more problems than I do. She and Britt have (ooh, her name is Bunnie, nickname that everyone calls her) become friends lately too, and she heard about Britt's feelings. I knew they had had more than one big fight, saying that one deserved me more than another, one didn't really love me, one wasn't good enough... I don't know exactly. Monday morning, my birthday, I'm up early. Like 4 or 5 AM, and I see Britt online before she leaves for school. She asks me where Bunnie is, and I say probably sleeping... and Britt sends me an email. A conversation that she saved, where Bunnie tells Britt to take me, because she's been an awful person. We've been 'together' for about six months. She's cheated on me the whole time, and had just found out she's both HIV+ and pregnant. I frantically searched all over for her, but about 2 in the afternoon, found myself identifying her body. I don't know why I just said all of this, and I hope it isn't too much, but it felt so good to get it out... my word. I really do need to start a journal. If it's not too much trouble, could I ask you not to apologize... I have heard a thousand of them in the last few days, and right now, it isn't helping at all. It's all too much, I think, having worried about an ex-friend, and then this all. If I had to guess, my own impending marriage brought her into the spotlight, and that set this all off.

 

[forgivenmuch]

i really think taking that many pills is enough to make you feel (shaky) you really need to see a professional. i would suggest you to do so right away. you need to stop taking the tylonol pm. that can really hurt you bad ..and i know you know that. i worry more about you than your brother because ..you could be killing yourself slowly with the tylonol ... that can cause major kidney and liver problems. i would suggest you go to a doctor and get striaghtened out on the drug problem. you seem to me ..that you are using this girl as an escape for what is really bothering you.
i do not know your life i am going on by what you wrote. i think you need to find God in all this. you are not going to get any better without God and a doctor .. both..
i really cant tell you im sorry about the girl ..you did not need her anyway.
there is alot of issues that you have going on within yourself and family to even worry about her. my husband lost his father at a early age and that done some damage to him. religion will not do nothing at all for no one. only jesus can give you salvation.
you are going to have to cry out to God with a sorryful heart. there should not be all these feelings over some gilr that you never met ... or its been over a yr ago. you are going to have to let her go .. and that means completly. you are still holding on to a fantasy what is not real. she has no mutal feelings for you. so you are only more hurting yourself. you really need to talk to a doctor. get some help .. theres nothing wrong with that. everyone goes thru some kind of things like this. this world is not perfect .. we are humans..and we are going to have heartbreaks and failures.. it is time for you to stop and get help. i will be in prayer for you .. and i hope you take what i said to heart.. because if i was addicted to pills just to escape away.. i would want someone to help me ..and tell me .. to get medical help. i hope and pray that you will be ok ... and i pray that you will completly turn to God..and let God be your love in this bad time.

 

[Busybee]

She and I have been friends for longer than time has existed, but hadn't become anything serious until earlier this year. She means the world to me, but she's got more problems than I do

If you are considering marriage, I highly suggest some premarital counseling with a preacher. Definitely be sure you're not just engaged to this girl to cover your hurts for the girl you met online. You could end up causing her pain, especially considering that you said she's got more problems than you do. You will need to be able to give her 100% of yourself and get the same from her as well Marriages need strength from the beginning and God at the center of it to succeed these days. When I say succeed, I mean being happily together for the rest of your lives.

Also, if you're going to continue to be friends with Britt, since she's 14 you will need to explain to her that you're not interested. Don't leave her hanging and thinking there's even a possibility. Especially with her being under the age, which could lead to a whole brew of ugly trouble .

I posted earlier what I went through and I realllly hope you'll just give yourself some time alone (not suggesting you break your engagement) but time to focus on getting yourself healthy and happy. You will have to find happiness within yourself rather than others. It's definitely there, ya just gotta seek it.


I don't think I even need to address the pills . You already know what you need to do in that area. Leave those bad boys in the store on the shelf.

 

[ManofShadows]

I guess I didn't quite put down the point... she (being Bunnie) killed herself earlier this week. Britt blames herself completely, and won't listen when I tell her it wasn't her fault. It seems that there were problems I couldn't help Bun with, but if it was this serious... it may have happened no matter what. Quite a terrible time for me, but I know I can work through it. I have always managed to do so in the past, and I know I couldn't ever do any more or less than was expected of me by God. I can't fail, in other words. Anything is possible when I think that way.

 

[Daughter of His]

God is faithful to His word. He IS faithful so that means we can believe the word.

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

God can give you peace, as you live in Christ Jesus. You can ask Him to strengthen and guide you, you have a lot you are dealing with. Doing this alone is too difficult. You need God. You also need other people, possibly professionals to help you through this difficult time.