This is so hard to say "swinging"

[Gwen'sMom]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to pour my heart out here because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this. My husband & I have been part of the "swing lifestyle" (notice my user name which I hate now but can't change). I have done a complete 360 and am now a motivated Christian woman. My husband is still interested in the lifestyle. He still enjoys going to the club and meeting women. But I am not the least bit interested in meeting their husbands. I find this so dirty and disgusting. I am praying that my husband will discover that this is NOT the lifestyle to be had. He already knows that I have lost interest (not as much as I really hate it though). See, we used to have so much fun with this. And I have completely changed. Since this is done as a couple it is really going to affect my husband. I don't want to be "the rain on his parade". We love each other so very much and it was all just for "fun". But I have come to realize that it is unaceptable, wrong and immoral for a married couple. I know that I need to be honest with him. It's just going to be hard. Thanks for listening.

 

[EIChief]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to pour my heart out here because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this. My husband & I have been part of the "swing lifestyle" (notice my user name which I hate now but can't change). I have done a complete 360 and am now a motivated Christian woman. My husband is still interested in the lifestyle. He still enjoys going to the club and meeting women. But I am not the least bit interested in meeting their husbands. I find this so dirty and disgusting. I am praying that my husband will discover that this is NOT the lifestyle to be had. He already knows that I have lost interest (not as much as I really hate it though). See, we used to have so much fun with this. And I have completely changed. Since this is done as a couple it is really going to affect my husband. I don't want to be "the rain on his parade". We love each other so very much and it was all just for "fun". But I have come to realize that it is unaceptable, wrong and immoral for a married couple. I know that I need to be honest with him. It's just going to be hard. Thanks for listening.

This is a very difficult situation that you find yourself in. I give you a lot of credit for taking a stand against this, it would be easy to continue in this lifestyle even after knowing it is wrong.

Furthermore, confronting your spouse is one thing, but it is not going to be a situation where you can ignore his activity if he continues to be intimate with other women for obvious reasons.

The two of you will have to seek council together after you confront him with your feelings. I will pray that God will show him this quickly so that the two of you will be able to get back to common ground in short order.

If this is strictly something you two did for side fun then hopefully he will not want to lose you and change his ways. However, if it is more of an addiction that he is fulfilling then you are in for a long process.

It will be up to you to be an example of how your life has changed. Show him the benefits of a monogamous relationship both spiritually and physically and pray that God speaks to him.

God Bless

 

[Mling]

I can't imagine a loving person forcing their spouse to sleep with other people, so making it clear to him that you can't continue should clear up problem number 1--you don't want to be there.

Beyond that, the questions are, how would you be with him continuing on his own? And how will your marriage function if you stop entirely?

 

[Gwen'sMom]

I can't imagine a loving person forcing their spouse to sleep with other people, so making it clear to him that you can't continue should clear up problem number 1--you don't want to be there.

Beyond that, the questions are, how would you be with him continuing on his own? And how will your marriage function if you stop entirely?

Yes, I need to have an actual "sit down" talk with him. This was something that we both did together and we both had fun. So because I have changed, he will have to as well. I just think swinging is such a gross thing now. I know that it is NOT what God intended marriage to be. I am praying that my husband will feel the same as me one day. He is a smart guy and he already sees the change in me and how I don't seem enthused any longer when he brings up "the club". Thanks so much for your input, I will keep you all updated on my progress.

 

[Gwen'sMom]

Well we had words last night and his main problem is that I have not been honest with him. Yes, the last 2 years I have pretty much put on an act pretending that I was still into the lifestyle. I was just afraid of everything coming to a head just like it has. I was hoping the problem would go away. But it is just worse now. He can't imagine only having sex once or twice a week. He says he needs more and he knows I can't provide that. My drive is nowhere near his.
So what happens? Do I let him have partners to fulfill his needs? I don't think I can do that. Which one of us is being selfish? I need input please.

 

[Gwen'sMom]

I spoke to my husband truthfully last night and he is no longer upset that I didn't let him in on my feelings for the last 2 years. He understands why i didn't show my true feelings and how I feel. Wow. This is a good start for us.

 

[Mling]

I have not yet said this in public, so I'm not really sure what type of reaction it will get, or if it comes across as "insensitive" or something.

I think that it is the duty of both spouses to make sure that the other is sexually fulfilled. Which means, if their libidos differ, they should find a way to make sex pleasurable for both, but that does not mean that the person with the higher sex drive just waits until the person with the lower is in the mood. I think the person with the lower drive needs to find ways to keep the person with the higher drive fulfilled, even they don't want a lot out of it in return. As I'm sure you've figured out in your swinging days, there is a lot more to sex than missionary style coitus. Be creative and find others ways to keep it fun. For both of you.

 

[Johnnz]

For guys especially the stimulus of another sexual partner can be a great turn on. A byproduct of that lifestyle is that neither really learn how to make sex deeply satisfying within the marriage.

It is a process learning how to make sex pleasurable and satisfying with one partner long term. It requires communication, imagination, information and a willingness not to be confined to routines. Differences in sexual desire need to be addressed and worked through. The high drive person needs to adjust, and the low drive one needs to step up a bit as well.

John
NZ

 

[Gwen'sMom]

I have not yet said this in public, so I'm not really sure what type of reaction it will get, or if it comes across as "insensitive" or something.

I think that it is the duty of both spouses to make sure that the other is sexually fulfilled. Which means, if their libidos differ, they should find a way to make sex pleasurable for both, but that does not mean that the person with the higher sex drive just waits until the person with the lower is in the mood. I think the person with the lower drive needs to find ways to keep the person with the higher drive fulfilled, even they don't want a lot out of it in return. As I'm sure you've figured out in your swinging days, there is a lot more to sex than missionary style coitus. Be creative and find others ways to keep it fun. For both of you.

Mling, I agree with you totally. We really had no business getting into this lifestyle. We should have been concentrating on each other more. Our problem is that my husband always prefers it when I initiate sex. He says then he knows I'm actually interested and not just doing it for him. So, since I could kinda take sex or leave it I wouldn't start anything. This has really hurt him. But..we have been very open with everything and we love each other so very much. He is upset that I didn't tell him about the swing thing sooner. I should have but that is water under the bridge. We are going to be ok!

 

[brownbunny]

Swinging is disgusting. Thanks to God that you've realised this! Go you! Go you fro taking a stand! If he loves you, no matter what his libido, you should be enough for him. Full stop. Go to a doctor- there are solutions for differing libido levels. Cheating on you is selfish and unloving. He needs to see that he made a covenant with you, only you. There should only be room in his bed for one woman. You. His wife.

 

[BelindaP]

My husband and I ran into serious difficulties around our difference in libidos, with mine being much lower than his. We had just had a daughter, and I was working full time. Between all the responsibilities, I was just too tired most of the time to even begin to be interested. I was willing to fulfill his needs any time he axked, but he wanted more.

Like your husband, mine felt slighted if I was just participating to please him and not myself. I ended up with a bad case of performance anxiety, which made things worse. I found out that he was soliciting on-line to find another partner! Needless to say, it hit the fan. We are slowly working things out now.

Part of the problem was that he was being selfish by insisting that I had to enjoy it (read: climax) every time. I finally got him to realize that I could get enough enjoyment out of the experience without going for the big O. His expectations decreased a bit, relieving some of the pressure on me, which helped with the performance anxiety.

The other part of the problem was that God was no longer included in aour marriage. We are working on bringing Him back, which is also helping.

I guess what I am saying here is that your husband might need to be made aware that the big O isn't as important for women as for men and that other things are important, too. Also, bringing God into the equation helps tremendously.

Is your husband a believer?

 

[Gwen'sMom]

My husband and I ran into serious difficulties around our difference in libidos, with mine being much lower than his. We had just had a daughter, and I was working full time. Between all the responsibilities, I was just too tired most of the time to even begin to be interested. I was willing to fulfill his needs any time he axked, but he wanted more.

Like your husband, mine felt slighted if I was just participating to please him and not myself. I ended up with a bad case of performance anxiety, which made things worse. I found out that he was soliciting on-line to find another partner! Needless to say, it hit the fan. We are slowly working things out now.

Part of the problem was that he was being selfish by insisting that I had to enjoy it (read: climax) every time. I finally got him to realize that I could get enough enjoyment out of the experience without going for the big O. His expectations decreased a bit, relieving some of the pressure on me, which helped with the performance anxiety.

The other part of the problem was that God was no longer included in aour marriage. We are working on bringing Him back, which is also helping.

I guess what I am saying here is that your husband might need to be made aware that the big O isn't as important for women as for men and that other things are important, too. Also, bringing God into the equation helps tremendously.

Is your husband a believer?

We have really been talking and everything is working out real well. We have been focusing much more on each other and it's almost like falling in love again. I find that when I am so in love I am more interested in sex.
I am so happy that I came to find out early what that lifestyle can do to a marriage. I find swinging so gross. My husband knows this now and hasn't mentioned it so I know he understands that I don't want to take part in it. If my heart isn't in it he won't be interested either.
I have asked God for forgiveness and I know that he has helped me to make the right decision. I feel so happy. I just want you to all know that my husband and I BOTH decided to become involved in this lifestyle. But I was the first one to come to their senses and get out of it. He wants what I want. My husband is a believer but doesn't take God's word too seriously. I am hoping that I am setting a good example and maybe one day he would decide to come to church with me or something.

 

[BelindaP]

I am so glad to hear that you are working things out. I wish you all the best. I also pray that God will work on your husband's heart through your example.

 

[JesusWalks78]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to pour my heart out here because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this. My husband & I have been part of the "swing lifestyle" (notice my user name which I hate now but can't change). I have done a complete 360 and am now a motivated Christian woman. My husband is still interested in the lifestyle. He still enjoys going to the club and meeting women. But I am not the least bit interested in meeting their husbands. I find this so dirty and disgusting. I am praying that my husband will discover that this is NOT the lifestyle to be had. He already knows that I have lost interest (not as much as I really hate it though). See, we used to have so much fun with this. And I have completely changed. Since this is done as a couple it is really going to affect my husband. I don't want to be "the rain on his parade". We love each other so very much and it was all just for "fun". But I have come to realize that it is unaceptable, wrong and immoral for a married couple. I know that I need to be honest with him. It's just going to be hard. Thanks for listening.

It is a good thing that you stopped the life style and recommited yourself to the lord. Your husband will find less sucess in finding swing partners if you are not there. He will just look desperate and he will be ostracised from the people there.

You must be strong, yes you may be "raining on his parade", but it is better to rain on his parade than to allow him to continue to be so sinful.

Good Luck, my prayers are with you.

 

[katautumn]

This is just a shot in the dark, but most people don't wake up one morning and think, "this swinging stuff is so gross". It is one of those things that you either enjoy or you abhor. It appears to me that, perhaps, this was something you tried at your husband's request or out of curiosity and sure, it was exciting, but it really wasn't your cup of tea. Hence, you've really just been pretending to enjoy the swinging lifestyle all this time when deep down inside, it isn't what you wanted for your marriage.

I'm thinking your husband is probably upset by this revelation because now he feels guilty. He may feel as if he's coerced you, the woman he loves, into doing something you didn't enjoy or he may feel guilty about enjoying this lifestyle a little bit too much. The truth of the matter is, while it was easy for you to walk away from the situation he's going to need some help. I don't think the marriage is unsalvagable, but I would highly recommend counseling. Best of luck to you both.

 

[EIChief]

I am glad to hear that things are working out for you and your husband. Of course being in love and monagomous makes you more inlcined to be intimate with your husband. A part of the problem before was that things were not right between the two of you, not to mention the immoral behavior.

Being in love with your partner makes all the difference...imagination and the desire to please is icing on the cake....

 

[TheWakeUpCaller]

Being in love with your partner makes all the difference....

Exactly.
Love is everything. Now hopefully you will not be having sex, but instead making love. When it is love, it is not selfish, and you will find your desires are different. Many prayers for you both. May I suggest a famiy altar time, where you get your husband to pray with you. This could take the place of some of that frustration he may be feeling, and change it into something great.

 

[Bigun]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to pour my heart out here because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this. My husband & I have been part of the "swing lifestyle" (notice my user name which I hate now but can't change). I have done a complete 360 and am now a motivated Christian woman. My husband is still interested in the lifestyle. He still enjoys going to the club and meeting women. But I am not the least bit interested in meeting their husbands. I find this so dirty and disgusting. I am praying that my husband will discover that this is NOT the lifestyle to be had. He already knows that I have lost interest (not as much as I really hate it though). See, we used to have so much fun with this. And I have completely changed. Since this is done as a couple it is really going to affect my husband. I don't want to be "the rain on his parade". We love each other so very much and it was all just for "fun". But I have come to realize that it is unaceptable, wrong and immoral for a married couple. I know that I need to be honest with him. It's just going to be hard. Thanks for listening.

Without diving into too much detail, I have experience with this. PM me is you wish.

 

[BuzWeaver]

In most cases where people are asking for advise they know what the answer is or they know what they should do, the question is whether they will do what they know will be best for them.

 

[Gwen'sMom]

This is just a shot in the dark, but most people don't wake up one morning and think, "this swinging stuff is so gross". It is one of those things that you either enjoy or you abhor. It appears to me that, perhaps, this was something you tried at your husband's request or out of curiosity and sure, it was exciting, but it really wasn't your cup of tea. Hence, you've really just been pretending to enjoy the swinging lifestyle all this time when deep down inside, it isn't what you wanted for your marriage.

I'm thinking your husband is probably upset by this revelation because now he feels guilty. He may feel as if he's coerced you, the woman he loves, into doing something you didn't enjoy or he may feel guilty about enjoying this lifestyle a little bit too much. The truth of the matter is, while it was easy for you to walk away from the situation he's going to need some help. I don't think the marriage is unsalvagable, but I would highly recommend counseling. Best of luck to you both.

Wow, KatAutumn, you have hit the nail on the head! You are so correct in saying no one just wakes up feeling this way. Deep down, yes I have never been comfortable with this lifestyle but I was wrong to keep up the charade. I'm not afraid of my husband but I hated to spoil his fun. I do think he feels guilty but he would never admit it. He is also angry that I went along with it. Actually, something came up and I am so happy with him: We usually attend a Christmas party with our "swing friends". Hubby got the e-mail and responded promptly that we could not attend! I am so happy! He didn't make me feel guilty or make me respond to the invite. Things are looking good.