Hello, I recently separated with my girlfriend of 3 years and for the past year with her has been a roller coaster and I need to let it all out because its like weight on my heart. When we first started going out we both accepted Christ in our hearts but we didn't take God serious back then. Our biggest sin was sex we started when we were 15 and we kept doing it and our relationship started failing in all aspects over the course of the past 3 years we've broken up and gotten back like 7 times. I started to realize that our sins were the cause of this all we argued all the time and we became 2 completely different people and I was struggling with my own problems with pornography and I was like throwing my self to The bottom and I couldn't realize it. My mind was so messed up that regular sex didn't pleasure me anymore so I offered to do a threesome with my best friend and my gf (I didn't do anything with my friend if that makes any sense like nothing gay) shocked my girlfriend agreed and I get a gut churning feeling in my stomach when I think about it . It all happened and I felt disgusting I never felt so far from God and I tried to live The double life a good Christian in church and at home but a complete different case out in the world .
My girlfriend eventually realized what we did was wrong but the damaged was already done she confessed that she cheated on me with him. My whole world turned upside down. I was at her house when she told me ,I couldn't believe what was happening my best friend and my girlfriend had betrayed me I rushed to my car and drove like 50 mph to his house with tears and anger my heart was pumping so fast thoughts of murder ran through my head I didn't know what was real anymore. When I got there I talked to him I was able to calm down but I had a blade in my pocket ready for the right moment but it didn't come. He broke down crying, I broke down crying he said he was sorry and we spoke a lot but il skip the details.
4 months from then I figured out that my ex and my ex Bestfriend were really close and I had been put aside by everyone my parents found out about everything I was so ashamed. It's like everyone had moved on and forgot about me like I was forsaken. Loneliness and sadness turned to anger and hatred towards both I knew they were going to go out even after everything. I was filled with hate and Instead of getting closer to God I channelled it into excercise I lifted all day everyday and I felt great but when I left the gym I felt empty so empty it was horrible. I was in the best shape of my life but I going crazy everyday would be constant reminders of my mistakes I couldn't sleep Becuase I would cry of how I got this point.
Eventually I got closer to God I tried to give him everything but half heartily I just wanted peace that's it. It was the summer and I texted my ex if I could talk to her my mom who is The greatest person ever told me that I should talk to her and apologize and maybe even work things out. I figured I did miss her and my hate was really just jealousy masked. I did and this is getting long so Ima skip the details, we ended up fixing things and we both seemed like new people but that wasn't the case we were good for about 2 months and I told her from the beginning that out of respect for me you can't talk to Steve (my ex Bestfriend) that didn't sit too well with him since he was like 99.9% close to going out with her and I took her away now the tensions between us was bad I hated him he hate me. Eventually me and her went back to our old selves like nothing changed at all I was angry at God why is he letting this all happen in my life? We split up this time for good but now she's friends with Steve again and I know his intentions. And this is now the present and to have to see them together kills me so badly like you have no idea. Now I am devoting my entire life to God and I see the changes but I can't let of this resentment I texted Steve yesterday saying sorry hoping the chains on my neck would be gone. All I want is to be free of this and my mom said God won't forgive me if I don't forgive those who wronged me. But every day in my Life is a battle sometimes I win sometimes I lose but I won't lose faith in my savior I know this is all a lesson and I'm understanding this now I have to deal with everyone in school looking down at me Becuase they found out I have no friends I lost them all but I don't need friends Becuase I have God and I'm trying so hard this has messed me up so bad almost like trauma I had a nightmare last night and It was about all this. I just needed to let this all out and I felt The urge to share Becuase while its not over I feel like God told me to share my story Becuase maybe It can save someone from going down the same path that I went through. Thank you for listening God bless you all.
My girlfriend eventually realized what we did was wrong but the damaged was already done she confessed that she cheated on me with him. My whole world turned upside down. I was at her house when she told me ,I couldn't believe what was happening my best friend and my girlfriend had betrayed me I rushed to my car and drove like 50 mph to his house with tears and anger my heart was pumping so fast thoughts of murder ran through my head I didn't know what was real anymore. When I got there I talked to him I was able to calm down but I had a blade in my pocket ready for the right moment but it didn't come. He broke down crying, I broke down crying he said he was sorry and we spoke a lot but il skip the details.
4 months from then I figured out that my ex and my ex Bestfriend were really close and I had been put aside by everyone my parents found out about everything I was so ashamed. It's like everyone had moved on and forgot about me like I was forsaken. Loneliness and sadness turned to anger and hatred towards both I knew they were going to go out even after everything. I was filled with hate and Instead of getting closer to God I channelled it into excercise I lifted all day everyday and I felt great but when I left the gym I felt empty so empty it was horrible. I was in the best shape of my life but I going crazy everyday would be constant reminders of my mistakes I couldn't sleep Becuase I would cry of how I got this point.
Eventually I got closer to God I tried to give him everything but half heartily I just wanted peace that's it. It was the summer and I texted my ex if I could talk to her my mom who is The greatest person ever told me that I should talk to her and apologize and maybe even work things out. I figured I did miss her and my hate was really just jealousy masked. I did and this is getting long so Ima skip the details, we ended up fixing things and we both seemed like new people but that wasn't the case we were good for about 2 months and I told her from the beginning that out of respect for me you can't talk to Steve (my ex Bestfriend) that didn't sit too well with him since he was like 99.9% close to going out with her and I took her away now the tensions between us was bad I hated him he hate me. Eventually me and her went back to our old selves like nothing changed at all I was angry at God why is he letting this all happen in my life? We split up this time for good but now she's friends with Steve again and I know his intentions. And this is now the present and to have to see them together kills me so badly like you have no idea. Now I am devoting my entire life to God and I see the changes but I can't let of this resentment I texted Steve yesterday saying sorry hoping the chains on my neck would be gone. All I want is to be free of this and my mom said God won't forgive me if I don't forgive those who wronged me. But every day in my Life is a battle sometimes I win sometimes I lose but I won't lose faith in my savior I know this is all a lesson and I'm understanding this now I have to deal with everyone in school looking down at me Becuase they found out I have no friends I lost them all but I don't need friends Becuase I have God and I'm trying so hard this has messed me up so bad almost like trauma I had a nightmare last night and It was about all this. I just needed to let this all out and I felt The urge to share Becuase while its not over I feel like God told me to share my story Becuase maybe It can save someone from going down the same path that I went through. Thank you for listening God bless you all.
