This break up is not fair

[Seraphim19]

Hi guys, im new to this forum and indeed need some wise words and ones that are uplifting. My girlfriend and I of almost a year just broke up for a seemingly ironic reason - we are so in love and close that it hurts too much to be together. We are not married, so there is really no true and lasting committment, and we obviously cannot have sex until we are married.

We started very strong in the beginning - Christ as our focus and a strong mutual friendship. We were growing steadily together until we got to college a couple of months ago together. I admit that we have been struggling for a long time now (close to half our time together) with physical stuff. We never had sex, but danced around the idea on a few occasions. We have been trying so hard to let go of it, but somehow it keeps showing its ugly head at all different times. We are a coed college and we have slept together (no sex) and I don't think this has helped to pace. So many times we have both (especially me) tried to stop doing intimate things like this (sleeping together, and physical passion) but somehow they continued to pop up. We have spent almost the entirete of every day for the last 2 months together. We have both failed Christ miserably and one of the biggest reasons we are on a break or broken up is to figure out how we can best get back on track with God.

We have incredibly strong feelings for one another and also value how important it is for Christ to be the leader of our lives independent and at the head of the relationship (which we have been struggling to do).

I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, I love this girl more than anything in the world - she is my best friend, the only real friend I have at college. She is totally into me for who I am, and I am totally into her for who she is. Its this overwhelming love and connection that has definitely made it harder for us to keep pure. But on the other hand, Christ is the only one worth living for and we both need that desperately more than eachother.

So what it all comes down to is this: logic and everyone else at college will say we should be together. But for a couple that wants to be passionately in love with Jesus Christ and be together at the same time DESPITE the fact that it hurts to be together (probably because marriage is a good 2 years away at least) is there anything we can do to rewind all of our emotions and passions and start at a point before where we can pace better? Or is a permanent breakup (very hurtful to imagine) seem to be best for now.

 

[loved]

I think that you both need to focus on your relationships with Jesus, individually.

When your relationships grow with Jesus, you'll become more focused on what you need to to relationship wise.

Thats the key: Matthew 6:33

 

[Carri20]

Why not get married now? The Bible says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. It also says that it's not good for man to be alone. If you marry her now then you can have all the sex you want, glorify God, and hopefully never have to worry about crossing the line of purity agian.

 

[g4goddess]

i think what you have is rare and hard to find. i wouldn't let it go. Many people, including myself go through life never finding it.

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

I don't think that getting married now is such a good idea. You're having problems putting God first in your relationship (if i read that right), so getting married at this point seems like a bad idea. I agree that taking a break for a little while is a good idea. You know you love this girl, that's great, remember that. For now, i think it would be best if you guys backed off for a while, made more friends and then only hung out in a group.
You said that she is your only real friend you have on campus and i think that might be part of the problem. You guys don't have anyone else to talk to, to spend time with, etc. so you end up doing stuff together and by yourself all the time. That's always a situation for any relationship.
Like i said, get a little bit of space, join a few clubs, make a few friends and then try to do stuff in a group as much as possible. Don't rely on each other to be your only friend.

 

[Carri20]

I don't think that getting married now is such a good idea. You're having problems putting God first in your relationship (if i read that right), so getting married at this point seems like a bad idea.

Actually I think they ARE putting God first. That's the reason they've separated. But I think a better way to put God first would be to get married, that is if they're sure they want to be together. Sex isn't evil and neither is the urge to be physical. That's God-given. Sex within marriage glorifies God. God made that so you can enjoy it!

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

Actually I think they ARE putting God first. That's the reason they've separated. But I think a better way to put God first would be to get married, that is if they're sure they want to be together. Sex isn't evil and neither is the urge to be physical. That's God-given. Sex within marriage glorifies God. God made that so you can enjoy it!

I'll agree with you, sex isn't wrong, or bad, or dirty, or whatever else people try to tell us. It's a gift given to us by God. At the same time, there are tons of reasons that they can't get married now. Personally, i wouldn't want to get married while both people are in school. I don't know what their reasons are for not getting married right now, but if they can't i think the need to learn to control their urges.

 

[daveprez]

I'll agree with you, sex isn't wrong, or bad, or dirty, or whatever else people try to tell us. It's a gift given to us by God. At the same time, there are tons of reasons that they can't get married now. Personally, i wouldn't want to get married while both people are in school. I don't know what their reasons are for not getting married right now, but if they can't i think the need to learn to control their urges.

I agree My girlfriend and I have been together for passing a year now..... I mean, getting married would be amazing... my girlfriend and I are in the same situation *kind of. We arent at college together, but we will be next year.. We arent struggling with the physical aspect of our relationship, but we have talked about marriage and all that. We are both fine with it and we know our marriage can and will work with us.. but its just NOT that easy to get married you know? Especially being young in college... When you're in college, especually the first few years, you have ZERO MONEY. I dont see it as fair to get married, and with the guy being the provider for the family, to not be able to fully provide to his max. being in the ifnancial state that college puts you in... it really stinks how you need money to do ALL THINGS earthly...

ya dig?

 

[CDN Red Raider]

My girlfriend and I are both in college - and in the pretty much exact same position as you are. We have been trying for three years to get over the temptations and some times have been better than other but we have never been able to completely resist temptation.
We are getting married in December, and we will both still be in school. It can definitely work, and it will be so much better than having to feel guilty about desiring one another.

 

[Carri20]

I don't understand why people don't want to get married in college. Sometimes it may be better to wait, but in a case like this I'd say the alternative looks pretty bleak.

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

I don't understand why people don't want to get married in college. Sometimes it may be better to wait, but in a case like this I'd say the alternative looks pretty bleak.

Why don't we wait of the OP to come back and give us reasons why he said that marriage was at least 2 years away.

None of us know what sort of situation he's in, what his future plans are, what his girlfriends are. There may be a very good reason to not marry for a few more years that has nothing to do with schooling.

 

[Leanna]

I think you should get married.... you love each other, you are both Christians.... just do it.

 

[Sketcher]

We are not married, so there is really no true and lasting committment, and we obviously cannot have sex until we are married.

I'm going to guess that this is why they're not getting married. Lack of/fear of that kind of commitment at the present time.

 

[Seraphim19]

We were broken up officially for 12 hours. Neither of us could take it. She is my honey again I'll try and give everyone a better run down of what exactly is going on here in our lives.

We are at a university, so there is no strong prevailing christian influence, quite the opposite. Sex, homosexuallity, drinking, it's all glorified. She and I are very close to eachother because we share the exact same values and that is very hard to find in anyone else. And for the most part, people that claim to be Christians follow the rest of the crowd too. We both have been trying hard to get into campus ministries, but we are both in male and female a capella groups and often have practices when the campus crusade groups meet, and we are often gone on weekends at competitions and or gigs. So it is very hard to find that "group" of believers to fellowship and be accountable to. We naturally gravitate to each other all the time.
Anyway, we both had been realizing in the last couple of weeks that we were in a sense feeling "trapped" for a few reasons. First, we didn't have any close friends (besides each other) to fall back on. And second, we were really tired of getting in intimate situations and pulling back. Every time that happened or we messed up, we would feel guilt because that wasn't God's best, and it was a dulling reminder that because we do not belong to each other (just boyfriend girlfriend not husband and wife) a biblical committment between eachother did not exist. It was almost as if because we were/are spending so much time together, all the sweet and wonderful things we do for eachother, all the hugs and smiles and lovidoviness, doesn't go beyond the surface of a dating relationship (which wasn't God's intention - i do not believe he meant for people to date - it is unnatural).

It is almost as if we are stuck in a black hole, or peaked out in a dating relationship. On the one hand, we feel trapped because at this time, we cannot get married (ill explain why in a sec). And on the other hand, are we just going to break up and lose eachother to not have the trapped feeling anymore? I would rather feel trapped and deal with that discomfort than the wrenching pain of losing perhaps the girl God is leading me to marry.

We both agree that we cannot get married at this time because 1) she needs work experience, and we both need more money 2) We want to get married when we feel mature enough with God that marriage doesn't seem like such a desperate option 3) a little more through college sure wouldn't hurt. 4) God could totally spin a 180 and lead us in opposite directions away from each other.

As far as falling away from that trapped feeling, we have promised eachother to let one another know when we are getting aroused and promise to do "heart checks" to make sure our eyes are on God when together. Also, and this will probably be the most helpful - we plan to call it a night around 8 or so so that we aren't together alone and tired late and night when we seem to be the most vulnerable and emotional. Anyone else have suggestions?

 

[Carri20]

Well I'm glad to hear you two are back together. I'll say a prayer for you.

 

[invisiblebabe]

How 'bout you guys just decide to stop kissing? You'll still be able to hold hands, put arms around each other, etc to feel close, yet you won't get into situations where it is easier to take things too far.

And, if you are so sure you want to marry someday... get engaged! God does not make a game of playing with people's hearts.... and He does give us free will. Since you both love Him and love each other, why would God disapprove of you marrying eventually?

I'm a senior at university and married almost 7 months now. I too go to a public and secular school; it is very worldly, that I won't deny. Yet, the fellowship here is very hard for me to fit into because I've transferred schools twice and I am an introvert (college fellowships loooove extroverts... three universities, tried at least six fellowships.... trust me on this one). Without Mark and many of my long-distance friends, I would go insane.

I also see a bit too much of the "torture myself for God!" mentality in your post... if you know what I mean. I've seen that mentality in many of the fellowships I've been to, and what I've come to realize is they are emphasizing only one side of a precarious balance. While we are to make sacrifices for Christ, there is much more to Godly character than denying oneself. We are also to love ourselves and love others... and if your relationship is teaching you about Christ's love and how to love like Him... then there is nothing wrong with it! (so long as you limit the physical things so as not to sin, which you know)


kayli

 

[Leanna]

How 'bout you guys just decide to stop kissing? You'll still be able to hold hands, put arms around each other, etc to feel close, yet you won't get into situations where it is easier to take things too far.

I agree.... or if you can't give up kissing I think you should set some strong boundaries.... maybe something like: never alone in a dorm room/apartment together, never kiss while laying down, never lay down on a bed together..... stuff like that. If you stay far from the "line" its easier to stay pure.

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

From what you said your relationship sounds a lot like mine with my girlfriend of 3 years. (nearly identical... neither one of us has any friends at school!! haha, we met freshman year and have been our only BEST friends ever since!) We certainly have had our fair share of physical challenges, but let me tell you... if you two love each other like you said, HOLD ON TO IT!! lol Don't let her go, man!

Your ideas sound really good. But try to work through the physical problems before seperating again.