Things you wish you had known before your first year of marriage...

nurturer · Jul 2, 2011

Hey all

So what are the things you wish you had known to do/talk about/plan for before you got married?

To give you some context for my situation: My Fiance and I have covered the basics: belief systems, kids, finances, career, sex, birth control, gender roles, chore division, in laws, family history, medical history, relationship history, traditions, etc.

I'm leaving my town and place of study to go be with him, he is 2 hours away, and is working, having finished his study some time ago. We have dated for 1.5 years, most of this has been long distance although there have been times living in the same city.

But I don't need your comments to be tailored to my situation, I just want to know what you wish you had known, things you wish you had done for yourself, things you wish you had done with them, and general advice.

I've been a lurker here for one year (yeesh that seems a long time) and would really love some advice from you guys.

Thanks for your time!

iambren · Jul 2, 2011

That love is more of a choice than we think it is. There are days when you can dislike your spouse but the sky doesn't fall. Marriage is a lot about the drudgery of life yet being there for each other. There is something precious about sharing life over time, building memories, honoring committments, and appreciate the JOURNEY together.

Then,,,,, the wild, guilt-free sex isn't bad either!

citizenthom · Jul 2, 2011

One big, big, big, big, BIG thing missing from your list is conflict resolution. You WILL fight during your marriage, and especially during the adjustment period. You need to talk now, and at great length, about the big "dos" and "don'ts" of fighting in ways that don't cause long-term scars or entrenched conflicts. The big three:

1. Don't fight to win
2. Don't go to bed angry
3. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER threaten divorce or separation

Autumnleaf · Jul 4, 2011

They gain weight and have a hard time losing it.

They have kids and give them the attention they used to give you.

They cost a lot of money, and kids do too.

Sex frequency dwindles.

After kids arrive you are stuck with her or you will lose half your income until they come of age plus college.

I love my wife and children but I think a man faces a huge down side if he chooses to marry these days.

As for women and men, choose someone who is kind and of good strong moral character and you will avoid much pain and heartache.

hijklmnop · Jul 5, 2011

Autumnleaf said:
They gain weight and have a hard time losing it.

They have kids and give them the attention they used to give you.

They cost a lot of money, and kids do too.

Sex frequency dwindles.

After kids arrive you are stuck with her or you will lose half your income until they come of age plus college.

I love my wife and children but I think a man faces a huge down side if he chooses to marry these days.

As for women and men, choose someone who is kind and of good strong moral character and you will avoid much pain and heartache.

Wow...that was....enlightening.

How unimportant and inaccurate to state that "they" (women) gain weight and have a hard time losing it.

"They" have kids...?? Didn't you have those kids too? Aren't you giving them attention too, or are you just too busy resenting the attention they get from your wife?

"They" cost a lot of money? Stated like "they" are pets with expensive upkeep. Nice.

Sex frequency doesn't HAVE to dwindle. It's up to both partners to make sex a priority in the marriage. It's normal for frequency to go up and down over the course of a lifetime though.

Nice to know you feel "stuck" with your wife just because you don't want to be held accountable for providing financially for your own children.

Tell me, what is this downside to marriage that men face that women don't? I'm curious.

I agree only with your last statement.

What I wish I knew that I didn't....that you can't change another person. That sometimes other people change. That your marriage is not the most important thing in the whole wide world, but your relationship with God is.

Speculative · Jul 5, 2011

I wish I had known two things:

1) That the marriage will have some issues that will never be resolved. In pre-marital counseling, and in books and radio programs we're given all kinds of tips and hints and strategies for resolving conflict. Well, there are some situations where your wife will disagree with you and do her own thing regardless of what you think--and I imagine the converse also happens. I wish I had known this, because the impression that I got was that all conflicts could be resolved through compromise, or speaking my partner's love language or taking a love dare or something. That may happen most of the time, but there are some issues that never get resolved and you just have to live with it.

2) I wish I had known how hard it would be to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. All we ever hear in church as singles about sex is: Don't do it, and don't watch porn. That's it. It is assumed that the sexual relationship will automatically take care of itself once you are married. It doesn't. Sexual hangups, different sexual drives and previous baggage all serve as barriers to a fulfilling relationship, not to mention the challenges that are later brought on by kids, conflicting work schedules, health issues, and just those unexpected roadblocks that come up in life.

JaneFW · Jul 5, 2011

nurturer said:
Hey all

So what are the things you wish you had known to do/talk about/plan for before you got married?

To give you some context for my situation: My Fiance and I have covered the basics: belief systems, kids, finances, career, sex, birth control, gender roles, chore division, in laws, family history, medical history, relationship history, traditions, etc.

I'm leaving my town and place of study to go be with him, he is 2 hours away, and is working, having finished his study some time ago. We have dated for 1.5 years, most of this has been long distance although there have been times living in the same city.

But I don't need your comments to be tailored to my situation, I just want to know what you wish you had known, things you wish you had done for yourself, things you wish you had done with them, and general advice.

I've been a lurker here for one year (yeesh that seems a long time) and would really love some advice from you guys.

Thanks for your time!

While you say you have discussed sex, make sure specificallly that you are on the same page about sex. Make sure that he wants to have an ongoing sexual relationship and does not have hang-ups about or control issues with sex. I don't know how you would do this, but asking him seems like a good place to start. Yeah, I know "do you have control issues with sex" seems like a weird thing to ask, but I really can't emphasize enough the importance of discussing this.

That's really my #1 advice. Sorry!

Autumnleaf · Jul 6, 2011

dreamer1982 said:
Wow...that was....enlightening.

How unimportant and inaccurate to state that "they" (women) gain weight and have a hard time losing it.

"They" have kids...?? Didn't you have those kids too? Aren't you giving them attention too, or are you just too busy resenting the attention they get from your wife?

"They" cost a lot of money? Stated like "they" are pets with expensive upkeep. Nice.

Sex frequency doesn't HAVE to dwindle. It's up to both partners to make sex a priority in the marriage. It's normal for frequency to go up and down over the course of a lifetime though.

Nice to know you feel "stuck" with your wife just because you don't want to be held accountable for providing financially for your own children.

Tell me, what is this downside to marriage that men face that women don't? I'm curious.

I agree only with your last statement.

What I wish I knew that I didn't....that you can't change another person. That sometimes other people change. That your marriage is not the most important thing in the whole wide world, but your relationship with God is.

Since you are a woman and I am a guy, maybe it makes sense that we have a different list of things we wish we knew prior to marriage. Maybe if I had married you instead of my wife my list would be longer or shorter than it currently is.

dorig59 · Jul 6, 2011

You know, the whole don't go to sleep angry thing, I know it says that even in the Bible, but I think in some instances that its better to get a good night's sleep. It may be really late & you're very tired & the argument or discussion is going nowhere or maybe you're both too angry & are starting to say things you don't mean. Best to give it a rest at times. And often things look better in the morning anyway than they did the night before.

hijklmnop · Jul 6, 2011

dorig59 said:
You know, the whole don't go to sleep angry thing, I know it says that even in the Bible, but I think in some instances that its better to get a good night's sleep. It may be really late & you're very tired & the argument or discussion is going nowhere or maybe you're both too angry & are starting to say things you don't mean. Best to give it a rest at times. And often things look better in the morning anyway than they did the night before.

OOOHHH ITA with this!!! For many years we used to feel like we had to hash things out before hitting the sack. I tend to get overdramatic and overemotional when I'm really tired, so it was a recipe for disaster. I would always wonder what the heck the big deal was in the morning. We now understand that we shouldn't discuss heavy matters when it's late or one of us it tired; that it's often better to wait till we're both in a good frame of mind, and that some matters take much, much longer than a day to work through. Sometimes time to myself is exactly WHAT I need to dissolve my anger and be able to deal with him rationally and fairly.

dorig59 · Jul 6, 2011

Absolutely! Sometimes the next morning you're like "what were we fighting about again??"

Bella Vita · Jul 6, 2011

I wish I had learned how to budget my money better. And save also saving is hard but we know that the earlier in our marriage that we start it the better we will be farther down the road. Also making sure that not just one person is in charge of the money but that both of you are and that you do it together as a team otherwise it can cause a lot of fights. We are currently going through Dave Ramsey's series about budgeting and money he is a Christian and has wonderful perspective on all of this not to mention it works.

Also learn your roles from a Biblical perspective my husband and I did this series before we got married and it really helped us to know what a wife's role is in the family and what a man's role is according to the Bible. It is The Peasant Princess series by Mark Driscoll it goes through book Song Of Songs and is all about sex and roles and it was great. This is the first video in the series you should watch it and talk about it after.

Mars Hill Church | The Peasant Princess | Let Him Kiss Me

cubinity · Jul 6, 2011

I wish I had been more mature and knew more abut myself.

I wish I was better prepared to be the right husband to my wife from the beginning.

Thankfully, she was graceful, and I am being given the chance to grow into this as the marriage goes on.

Still, I wish I had been farther along at the beginning.

iambren · Jul 6, 2011

That sometimes your wife will treat you like a pit bull but don't take her seriously...she's probably PMSing and will be back to normal in a few days. DON'T take it personally!

Niffer · Jul 8, 2011

Things I'd wish I had known:

1) Nothing is stable. You might think a job or situation is, especially finances - but they can be torn out from under you at any second. You'll have to learn to be flexable and 'go with the flow.'

2) Sex is a powerful tool and men have a sensitive libido. One wrong word could really crush his confidence, and that can be all it takes to cause damage to your sex-life.

3) Always remember you're on the same team.

Peace,
- Niff

freedmfighter · Jul 8, 2011

I just wished I had dealt with the red flags before I got married instead of thinking it was all my problems.

cubinity · Jul 8, 2011

I'm surprised that Dreamer1982 took offense to a man describing his wife, but then let "men have a sensitive libido" go without comment. Sounds like someone is just interested in hearing what she wants to hear.

That is a reality we should all be aware of before we get bound up in relationships: people just hear what they want to hear...

Niffer · Jul 8, 2011

cubinity said:
I'm surprised the OP took offense to a man describing his wife, but then let "men have a sensitive libido" go without comment. Sounds like someone is just interested in hearing what she wants to hear.

That is a reality we should all be aware of before we get bound up in relationships: people just hear what they want to hear...

I never meant my comment to be in any way offensive.
Does my statement offend you??

- Niff

cubinity · Jul 8, 2011

Niffer said:
I never meant my comment to be in any way offensive.
Does my statement offend you??

- Niff

No. But the guy sharing about his wife wasn't trying to offend either.

As I pointed out, it was the selective hearing I was pointing out. Your comments were just those that happened to be as sexist as his, so it made for a clear contrast of my point.

But don't worry, I don't know you well enough for your sexism to offend me.

(FYI, I changed the post you quoted to make it accurate)

Btw, I'm a big fan of the Coen Bros.

hijklmnop · Jul 8, 2011

cubinity said:
I'm surprised that Dreamer1982 took offense to a man describing his wife, but then let "men have a sensitive libido" go without comment. Sounds like someone is just interested in hearing what she wants to hear.

That is a reality we should all be aware of before we get bound up in relationships: people just hear what they want to hear...

Actually I didn't even see the rest of this thread till right now so your beef with me has no basis. Shall we add that sometimes people assume what they want to assume, too?

Things you wish you had known before your first year of marriage...

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