"They need a father..."

[SearcherKris]

I am very disturbed by the amount of pressure put on me by people from church. They keep pressuring me to find someone soon because my sons need a man in their life to fill the void of their father not being involved and being lousy when he is.

I think that is a crumy reason to marry someone.

"I want you cos my kids need a new daddy."

My kids have a dad. He's lousy at it, but he is their dad. Plus they have uncles (my two brothers), and men at church, and school, and there will be coaches...how many "father-figure/male role models" do they need?

If I do marry for the sake of giving my kids a new dad, what are we going to when they grow up and have their own lives? Sit around and stare at each other?

"My husband is great! He really loves my kids, and he tolerates me so well."

I'm not shopping for a father figure. When I settle on a guy to marry, I want to do so because I want him and he wants me.

Now I'm not saying I will marry someone who does not care about my kids or is a hindrance to my parenting. I just figure if he truely loves me and we are a good match, then being good to my kids will be a natural out flowing of that.

However, one thing that really turns me off is when I meet a guy and one of the first things he does is tell me how to take care of my kids or lets me know how he would handle them. IF he actually does intrude in my parenting or handles a situation for me, I'd probably knock his head off. Those are my babies.

If we had been dating for quite some time and were entertaining thoughts of marriage or were actually engaged, then it would be different because we would be looking at joing our lives/family together. His input would be of the utmost importance and something to respectfully consider. We would need to know if we could parent my kids (possibly his kids, too) together.

But...when a we are only having our third or forth conversation ever and he starts telling me when and how my kids need to be disciplined or how they are going to act when he's around, and what he's going to do about it if they don't...I DONT THINK SO!! That is not his business. It's a deal breaker. Back off Jack!

I think there has to be a certain order to things. First we get to know each other. Find out if we are infact in love and if we are able to share our lives together. Part of that would include discussions about my kids when the timing is appropriate. Then he can have some interaction with me and my kids together...me in charge; they are my kids...and he can observe and see how I do my life as a parent. If how I do it works for him or if we can reconcile some differences we may have in the matter, then we can talk about him becomming a part of the family, if we decide that is the direction we want to go.

I'm not one to bring my kids around a man soon after meeting. I've actually only had two dates, with two different guys, since I divorced. My kids never even knew about one, and never saw the other. I think it is important to keep them separated until I know a guy well and know that I want to continue on in the relationship with him. I don't want to drag my kids through a string of messy relationships with me. If he is a safe person and things seem to be working out after some time has passed, then they can meet.

 

[favoredbyGod]

Sometime church people are the worst when it comes to these type of issues....I know from personal experiences.

 

[JCFantasy23]

When your son is grown you and the man will still be married and dealing with each other. So you're right on choosing someone based on how you feel about them and vice versa. It seems to me marrying someone to give your son a father figure is kind of like using them anyway, or leading them under false pretenses. I think you're being wise about the matter and would just ignore the 'advice.'

 

[Spirit_Star]

Your right one should not marry someone strictly to give their child(ren) a father or mother. That is a marriage that will probably end in divorce.

There are many ways to provide children with a male figure or even female figure.
Big Brother/Big Sister program.
A close male/female friend
Aunt/Uncle
Neighbor
Teacher or other mentor

 

[CrystalBrooke]

My boyfriend lost his father when he was 8 years old, he never had a father figure after that. A child doesn't have to have both parents to grow up, all they need is someone who loves them, will correct them when they're wrong, take care of them, teach them vaules and morals..I'm sorry the people at your church are blind to this. I promise you that if you just do the best you can with your son, he'll be fine.

 

[NoMoreLocusts]

I was that woman who married someone so my child would have a father - here is how it worked out - 11 years later after having been abused verbally for a decade and physically in the beginning of the marriage (before a three year split in which I was so damaged I was still afraid to divorce), my daughter who I wanted so badly to have a father still didn't have a father and I had a new baby because he wanted a child and I felt obligated to give him one since I was his wife. Six months after having the baby he realized if he stayed he might kill me because he could no longer take that I wouldn't allow him to abuse me anymore and so he called his mother and she came here to help him move all his stuff and abandon us (just walked out and disappeared one evening).

It took me about a year after the divorce to fully accept that I had to now explain to yet another daughter why her dad isn't involved in her life and had to accept that I was that woman with two children by two dads and yet somehow not feel like I will be alone forever. It hasn't been easy when most of the guys who are interested seem to think single mom equates to someone who doesn't care about certain "rules" of the Christian faith and that we are just ready to settle for anyone.

So....with that, I know that I will NEVER settle for anything less than God has. And when people from church ask why it has been "so long" since my divorce and I still haven't reached out for anyone, I politely remind them what happened last time I didn't wait on God. I am a woman and when the right man comes into my life, he will reach out to me, the way God intended it to be. I shall simply prepare myself, follow God, and love that I am no longer in that relationship and will never be in such a relationship again!

Stick to your guns! Sometimes people think they are helping and don't realize they are actually helping us feel worse about our situations!

 

[overfiend1976]

Never involve yourself with someone for your 'kids sake...' Likewise, NEVER stay with someone for that reason either. Kids know better. They're not even remotely stupid. It's us adults that are the rampant idiots. They can meticulously pick apart your true feelings. Trying to 'be happy' for their sake never does and never will work. Be with someone that is good to you (and naturally to them too) and who makes YOU happy. Your children will feed off this like an endless energy source. Children love to see their parents happy. And, in every way, shape and form, your children gather their best examples in life, emotions and depth of feelings from you.