There aren't that many fish in the sea...

blackribbon said:

The last guy I liked and went out with was most likely Asperger's ... and was "teaching me" about proper social behavior. He learned from observation but wasn't quite sure why it worked.

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That sounds really interesting. If you have a spare moment, could you elaborate, or give examples?

JustSomeBloke said:

That sounds really interesting. If you have a spare moment, could you elaborate, or give examples?

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He was an engineer who liked to talk...about a lot of different things. I remember him talking about what "they said" you should wear to work, when it was okay to leave a social event, where it was appropriate to go get lunch, what to do if you socialized with people outside of work hours... the words "they say" and "supposedly you aren't supposed to ... " were used in these discussions. In the past, he had been pulled over for driving intoxicated and went to AAA because he was supposed to but "didn't get it". This was one man who I really did believe stopped drinking simply because he was told it to stop and not because he really had a drinking problem (beyond bad judgement of trying to drive when slightly intoxicated.) He was multi-talented and brilliant...but appropriate social interaction was something he had obviously had to teach himself by observation. He actually had mastered it well enough to fit in but wasn't very good with connecting to other people. He kept making dates with me then canceling at the last minute for odd things....I mean, what plumber really is available for a home visit on a Friday night? I was mad about that and drove by his house around 9:30pm...and indeed, a plumber van was at his house with the back open like it was being actively used. I don't think he ever realized how bad it hurt my feelings to have multiple dates canceled for practical things that could have been scheduled at other times. I finally quit getting ready for any date because I knew he would cancel. I simply realized that I wasn't a priority. I think he always made assumptions about me based on his previous relationships which were not accurate. I remember him stopping conversations and looking at me oddly when I surprised him with some aspect about myself that he didn't expect. Our actual dates were not very often but although I do know his entire life story, he would forget basic details about me...being surprised over the same details more than once. We didn't break up. He simply stopped calling and I had long since quit trying to get together with him. Since his car was home most nights, I think he simply got interested in a new hobby and was perfectly happy spending most of his time alone. Sad, because I did like him. I suspect that he liked more dramatic personalities than my quiet one based on the stories I heard about his ex-wife.

ThisIsMe123 said:

Agreed...they are like "Great, he is devoted to Christ. Walks with the Lord. Volunteers at the food pantry, etc. But...is he at least 6 feet all? Nope...sorry, deal breaker!"

Yep. REAL Christian.

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I thought of this comment during my quiet time. Sometimes we haven't surrendered our desire to the Lord. We're in the driver's seat and making decisions that appear correct but are unimportant in the long run. I've been guilty of this myself.

Perhaps there are things that must be worked out of our system before we're ready to give way to Him. And it's okay to admit we desire this or that. But I've found there are other considerations we've overlooked that factors into His choice. He raised a few with me today.

My moment of truth was much like Proust's madeleine. I understand things I couldn't grasp in the past. I needed time and change to reach this point. His request for my surrender didn't end with that statement. I was able to share my wants and needs. And I received His feedback. There are things He desires to reconcile within me that require another to accomplish. I think that's true for most of us.

I suspect the better question isn't who but rather what needs to change or where is growth required. His choice encompasses companionship and more. We'll grow as a person and deepen our walk with Him. I got my answers unexpectedly. ;-)

there is indeed someone for everyone...

but you might not like what you get.

THE W said:

but you might not like what you get.

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If one finds themselves in these shoes, what should they do?

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat said:

If one finds themselves in these shoes, what should they do?

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upgrade yourself or lower your expectations

LaBèlla said:

I thought of this comment during my quiet time. Sometimes we haven't surrendered our desire to the Lord. We're in the driver's seat and making decisions that appear correct but are unimportant in the long run. I've been guilty of this myself.

Perhaps there are things that must be worked out of our system before we're ready to give way to Him. And it's okay to admit we desire this or that. But I've found there are other considerations we've overlooked that factors into His choice. He raised a few with me today.

My moment of truth was much like Proust's madeleine. I understand things I couldn't grasp in the past. I needed time and change to reach this point. His request for my surrender didn't end with that statement. I was able to share my wants and needs. And I received His feedback. There are things He desires to reconcile within me that require another to accomplish. I think that's true for most of us.

I suspect the better question isn't who but rather what needs to change or where is growth required. His choice encompasses companionship and more. We'll grow as a person and deepen our walk with Him. I got my answers unexpectedly. ;-)

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No offense, but I'm not sure how that had anything to do with my quoted post here. Sorry, I'm not following. I mean, I KIND of got it in the beginning paragraph...then I trailed off when I read further.

ThisIsMe123 said:

No offense, but I'm not sure how that had anything to do with my quoted post here. Sorry, I'm not following. I mean, I KIND of got it in the beginning paragraph...then I trailed off when I read further.

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None taken. My apologies if I was unclear.

The gist is that our marriages involve more than the qualities we're looking for. There are things the Lord desires to do through us and within us that will occur in our union. Changes we may be unaware of until He addresses them. It's part of our sanctification.

We're viewing prospects through our limited vision but He sees the whole picture. Relinquishing control and giving Him the reins will yield better results. We may overlook the better mate in deference to our ideal.

LaBèlla said:

None taken. My apologies if I was unclear.

The gist is that our marriages involve more than the qualities we're looking for. There are things the Lord desires to do through us and within us that will occur in our union. Changes we may be unaware of until He addresses them. It's part of our sanctification.

We're viewing prospects through our limited vision but He sees the whole picture. Relinquishing control and giving Him the reins will yield better results. We may overlook the better mate in deference to our ideal.

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Oh okay, I think I got you now.

You know, something popped in my head. I recall meeting a woman online that I found out USED to go to the local singles ministries a few times at a certain church. I brought it up and she said, "Yeah, I used to go there" then later told me that...she wasn't comfortable in that group. I do admit, she was quite attractive, professional lady. I think a lawyer or something...worked in the legal field. Smart.

Anyways, she came across a lot of socially awkward an not-so attractive types. Unkempt, and if not unkempt, not entirely fashionable. It's' true, a lot of your singles groups are filled with average Joes, including myself. But she admittedly said she left the group after a small amount of meet n greets. She still goes to the services of that said church, but found online dating to be a more viable option considering what she experienced at the singles group.

Was it a logical or superficial decision? Maybe, mabye not? *Shrug*

ThisIsMe123 said:

Anyways, she came across a lot of socially awkward an not-so attractive types. Unkempt, and if not unkempt, not entirely fashionable. It's' true, a lot of your singles groups are filled with average Joes, including myself. But she admittedly said she left the group after a small amount of meet n greets. She still goes to the services of that said church, but found online dating to be a more viable option considering what she experienced at the singles group.

Was it a logical or superficial decision? Maybe, mabye not? *Shrug*

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I think it's probable she's looking for fit. It's not about a 10.

I prefer to meet people outside of singles and religious settings. I'm not looking for a prospect at church or on a Christian forum. There's a disconnection within. But outside of that environment I'm apt to notice what I might ignore.

LaBèlla said:

I think it's probable she's looking for fit. It's not about a 10.

I prefer to meet people outside of singles and religious settings. I'm not looking for a prospect at church or on a Christian forum. There's a disconnection within. But outside of that environment I'm apt to notice what I might ignore.

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Yeah, I've seen a lot of articles about how singles groups in churches have a short lifespan. I remember in the 90s, where someone encouraged me to come to their church (a married man), saying, "The BEST place to meet a good woman is in church!"

But yeah, I'm with you there, I'm finding a lot of people are going into the more secular environment to meet other singles...but you have to figure out what their beliefs systems are...organically of course. Where I live, it's mostly those...."namaste"and "positive vibes your way" types.

ThisIsMe123 said:

Yeah, I've seen a lot of articles about how singles groups in churches have a short lifespan. I remember in the 90s, where someone encouraged me to come to their church (a married man), saying, "The BEST place to meet a good woman is in church!"

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For some it's true. But I find the notion of someone checking me out in church very creepy.

But yeah, I'm with you there, I'm finding a lot of people are going into the more secular environment to meet other singles...but you have to figure out what their beliefs systems are...organically of course. Where I live, it's mostly those...."namaste"and "positive vibes your way" types.

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Just because you meet in a Christian setting doesn't mean anything. Look at your friend's experience.

I address character and shared interests early on. Self-control is my primary deal breaker and I look for evidence of its presence or absence. I'll ask about faith but I glean for fruit. Would I know it without the admission? Does his spirit testify to mine? And more importantly, can I follow him?

But I'm not trying to meet singles. I'm trying to connect with like-minded people. The other will follow when you resolve the common bonds. I'm on a Christian site but I prefer an entrepreneur (like myself) who is location independent. That's like finding a needle in a haystack. I'd have more luck in a group with that makeup.

You've got to fish in the waters that carry the ones you seek. ;-)

ThisIsMe123 said:

Yeah, I've seen a lot of articles about how singles groups in churches have a short lifespan. I remember in the 90s, where someone encouraged me to come to their church (a married man), saying, "The BEST place to meet a good woman is in church!"

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There is some truth in that as church activities are social gatherings where you're likely to see the same people regularly, so there is an opportunity to connect with them and that could lead to something more. However, it becomes a problem when that turns into going to church in order to meet women (or men, as it's not necessarily confined to one gender), and that's probably why singles groups don't last as too many people join them for the wrong reason.