Therapy

[madison1101]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to talk about guilt after therapy. Sometimes I am so rude and mean to my therapist, I actually feel guilty on the way home. I know it is transference, which with me is really intense. My therapist rarely gets frustrated with me. His therapy for himself is to run 9 miles 4 times a week. I just know that I have said a lot of very ungodly things in his office.

I used to be terrified he would drop me as his patient because I was too difficult to treat. He finally told me, after years of fear, that as long as I am willing to come to therapy, he would not drop me.

I do know of a patient he dropped, but that person would just not show up for scheduled appointments and not call to cancel.

Even after all these years, 17 of them, I still fear he will grow tired of me. I also fear I may never be ready to end therapy. There is always something I need to work on.

Just wanted to share some of my thoughts about this diagnosis and therapy.

 

[goldenviolet]

madison you are so brave. you share such real struggles. the private ones. i think it helps us think and digest things better. i use to hide stuff from my therepist. i was afraid to go back into the instititions. so it hindered my own therephy. i wish i was brave. now that i can be, i don't have the money to go. irony.

 

[madison1101]

madison you are so brave. you share such real struggles. the private ones. i think it helps us think and digest things better. i use to hide stuff from my therepist. i was afraid to go back into the instititions. so it hindered my own therephy. i wish i was brave. now that i can be, i don't have the money to go. irony.

Thanks, sweetie.

Therapy was not always easy. It felt like he was a sculptor chipping away at my hard outer shell, little by little. It took a lot of courage for him to do that, as he never knew if I would explode. Praise the Lord, I never lost it in his office.

I have only been institutionalized once. I was cutting and took myself to the ER. I had been fighting with my husband and had been on some hormonal treatment for two months. I was in the hospital for three days, and they drugged me terribly.

There has only been one time in all of my recovery that my therapist was concerned about how I would handle a major stressor. That was the weekend my ex got married. He told me he would be available all weekend for me to talk to if I got upset. I purposely went to the Jersey shore and walked on the beach. That was the week "The Passion of the Christ" came out in theaters. I went to the movies and was blessed by the Lord.

My point is, now that I am a therapist, my goal is to be half as good as my therapist. If I can do that, I will be great. His skill, with a borderline like I was. is just amazing.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[madison1101]

I had a really good session last night. But, tonight I am tempted to act out. I saw my exhusband for a few minutes, and it triggered me big time. I am trying to self-soothe, but I can't get a handle on it. Please keep me in prayer. If I act out, my therapist will put my diagnosis back at BPD instead of Personality Disorder NOS.

 

[christianchica]

I'll be praying =).

 

[goldenviolet]

's and prayers

 

[observingoutcast]

i tried therapy once, when i was 22, and now i am sort of trying to get it started again (age 24)... but so far i do't like the therapists... they seem so predictive, when talking i struggle with telling things they don't ask for... i am afraid that they will get bored with the talk too.. trust is an issue indeed.. i haven't been diagnosed with anything though... but i recognize a lot of the things here on there forum...


i will be praying for you too.


criz.

 

[madison1101]

i tried therapy once, when i was 22, and now i am sort of trying to get it started again (age 24)... but so far i do't like the therapists... they seem so predictive, when talking i struggle with telling things they don't ask for... i am afraid that they will get bored with the talk too.. trust is an issue indeed.. i haven't been diagnosed with anything though... but i recognize a lot of the things here on there forum...


i will be praying for you too.


criz.

Do you have any behaviors that are troublesome to you or your loved ones? That would be a great starting poing for therapy. Ask for help in overcoming self-defeating behaviors.

Good luck.

 

[Ave Maria]

It is good that you still go to therapy. I quit going and quit taking my medication all on my own and without doctor's advice. This was around a month or two ago and I don't recommend it to anyone. My family has been urging me to go back but I really don't want to go back.

 

[madison1101]

It is good that you still go to therapy. I quit going and quit taking my medication all on my own and without doctor's advice. This was around a month or two ago and I don't recommend it to anyone. My family has been urging me to go back but I really don't want to go back.

Can you talk about why you don't want to go back? I would be totally lost if I were not in therapy. My therapist and I worked for almost 15 years straight on helping me learn new behaviors and get rid of old, unhealthy behaviors, while healing that abandoned, wounded child. During the past 15 years, I have gained a lot of weight because of a comorbid eating disorder, and I have gone through a painful divorce. My kids all grew up and moved away, and I have gone to graduate school and earned a Masters in Social Work, and passed the state license exam for social workers.

My point is, he guided me through so much stuff. I have done all of the crazy behaviors that accompany this diagnosis while in his care, AND have even admitted myself to a hospital because I was cutting.

My goal for the past fifteen years was to get rid of the diagnosis. This year, it is gone. It did not happen overnight. But, he finally said he is not writing BPD on my insurance claims forms. It is not a life sentence, but a label given to a set of symptoms, mostly behaviors. Get rid of the symptoms, the label goes away.

If you want to talk, you can PM me.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[lmarie23]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to talk about guilt after therapy. Sometimes I am so rude and mean to my therapist, I actually feel guilty on the way home. I know it is transference, which with me is really intense. My therapist rarely gets frustrated with me. His therapy for himself is to run 9 miles 4 times a week. I just know that I have said a lot of very ungodly things in his office.

I used to be terrified he would drop me as his patient because I was too difficult to treat. He finally told me, after years of fear, that as long as I am willing to come to therapy, he would not drop me.

I do know of a patient he dropped, but that person would just not show up for scheduled appointments and not call to cancel.

Even after all these years, 17 of them, I still fear he will grow tired of me. I also fear I may never be ready to end therapy. There is always something I need to work on.

Just wanted to share some of my thoughts about this diagnosis and therapy.

Trish,

I worry about how it seems like I'm too dependent on my therapist. Not only do I see him once a week, but we email back and forth. Due to financial difficulties, I'm going to have to cut back to seeing him every other week and I'm just not sure how I'm going to do it. I just love talking to him. Like you, I also worry that I may never be ready to end therapy. I haven't even been in it that long, I was scared of therapy for a long time because of bad experiences I had with it, but now it's such an integral part of my life. My friend Eric told me part of the point of therapy is to teach people to function on their own, but I just feel so dependent. Sometimes my diagnosis (Bipolar/BPD) and some of the things people have said to me about my chances for recovery, just overwhelm me.

I also worry about my therapist liking me, which I shouldn't I know, but I'm such a people-pleaser.

Lynne

 

[SobriaInebrietas]

Trish,

I worry about how it seems like I'm too dependent on my therapist. Not only do I see him once a week, but we email back and forth. Due to financial difficulties, I'm going to have to cut back to seeing him every other week and I'm just not sure how I'm going to do it. I just love talking to him. Like you, I also worry that I may never be ready to end therapy. I haven't even been in it that long, I was scared of therapy for a long time because of bad experiences I had with it, but now it's such an integral part of my life. My friend Eric told me part of the point of therapy is to teach people to function on their own, but I just feel so dependent. Sometimes my diagnosis (Bipolar/BPD) and some of the things people have said to me about my chances for recovery, just overwhelm me.

I also worry about my therapist liking me, which I shouldn't I know, but I'm such a people-pleaser.

Lynne

I know exactly what you mean. Ever since I started getting therapy, when I was about 10, I have become almost completely dependant on every therapist I have ever had. I have always felt so attatched to them that I wuld completely disolve if they ever had to cancel an appointment, or if I couldn't see them for some reason. One therapist I had had to take maternity leave for three months and I went from almost completely recovered to a total mess. After she came back I was very paranoid about her not liking me, or thinking I was a fake, or wanting to drop me (I am a very big people pleaser to. If I don't feel like people like me, I get CRAZY obsessed with it). And then she moved out of town to go work somewhere else. I felt abandoned. I stopped taking all of my meds and refused to see another therapist for a long time.

But then I found that I just transfered my dependancy onto other people. Now I am so reliant on my husband, helping me take care of the house and helping me make decisions, I can't do a single thing when he is not with me.

You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and dependant. I feel that way ALOT. I think, at least for me when I was younger, a big part of that dependancy was because I had no mother or father figure in my life. Besides my therapists I was raised completely by myself. And now the dependancy is a habit, or more like, an addiction for me.

Erin