The Words

[pud]

The Words


​

My life began crumbling in 1997, I was told I was mentally ill, diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Due to the severity of the illness and the constant re-admissions to the psychiatric hospital I found myself on the verge of losing my home, my car, and my job, things that I had taken for granted for so long, I had come to depend upon. I later realised I even depended upon my job for my identity.
I found myself in the pits of depression. I contemplated suicide.

I knew someone who was a Christian. She used to come and tell me all about Jesus. She even had photos of herself being baptised in what looked like a hole in the church floor! Well I have to admit that at first I just used to listen to her talk, to be polite, although I thought she “had totally lost the plot!”

I knew I had turned my back on God a long time ago. I was hurt and abused as a child. To me it didn’t make sense for that kind of thing to happen if God was real, if He was real I thought He couldn’t be trusted. I had to look after myself as no-one else would.

One day I was washing up my dishes in the kitchen sink. I picked up a knife from out of the washing up bowl and looked at it intently, it was covered in blood, my blood. I looked at my wrist knowing it was so simple to stop the pain I was feeling within me, I saw blood, my blood coming out of my veins. In horror, I looked back at my vegetable knife, there was no blood either there or on my wrist. I was overwhelmed by fear as I recognised how close I had been to try to kill myself.
Deep down within me I knew what I needed to do.



I began to go to church, I was overwhelmed by the love of the people there. I began to read the Bible for the first time in my life, discovering Jesus and the reality of God, to pray and I was baptised.
Naively, I thought my life would become easier, God would erase my mental pain, it became much harder, as I struggled to know what to believe as my whole concept of the world was turned on its head. However, I had one amazing gift, hope.
I believed I was a messenger from God, and that mental illness was the last stronghold of Satan,God had called me to defeat Satan and to reach out to others. I wanted to be healed and I wanted to reach out and share with others so they too would be healed.

I was compulsory detained in hospital over a period of eight years, fifteen times and was caught between religion and medicine. My faith in Jesus Christ was seen by psychiatry as delusional. The Church did not accept the concept of God talking to me, or the hold deep depression had upon me.
I did not know what to believe my mind was swamped by confusion, I did not know the truth, I felt lost and abandoned, I too began to dismiss faith as a symptom of illness.

I craved understanding, I became isolated, reading my Bible and in prayer. I was desperate to know God.



I believed God was helping me to grow to trust Him. He “talked” to me through scripture, music, people, I began to see Him everywhere. My eyes suddenly opened I began to connect with the natural word seeing Biblical tales reflected in daily activities, God's presence tangible, I witnessed His amazing love daily.

I yearned to talk to people about God and my experiences, I was told He doesn’t “talk” to us except through the Bible, I was offered more medication. The only one that listened without judging was God.

In January 2000 after six months compulsory detention, I began to write. My inner pain trapped for so long just bubbled out, Jesus gave me the words, it was time to start healing. I wrote for 18 months I wrote about all aspects of my life. I wrote about my childhood, mental health and God. The words revealed the rawness of my pain to myself and others, I was bearing my soul. The speed of the words that flowed from within me was awesome, I wrote poems which easily poured out onto the paper. Eventually I stopped, just as abruptly as I started.
Alongside this I met at a conference a renowned Professor of Psychiatry, whilst he was speaking I knew deep within myself I had to talk to him. Boldly, I spoke about my experiences, he asked me to write a chapter in a book he was involved in regarding “Spirituality and Mental Health”, I was flabbergasted I was just an ordinary person with a mental illness, I eventually sat down and wrote it, inside I timidly began to believe that God was beginning to use my experience to reach out to others in a similar position.
In 2002, I saw an article asking for life stories of people with a mental illness, I wrote to say I had a collection of poetry, I sent 3 and then the rest. My friends believed that I would be ripped off, my husband thought it would cost us a fortune, I quietly believed God was truly in control, He wanted this to happen. They were published in 2003, all profits went back to the charity to enable more people with a mental illness to have their story heard.
This year I have had my second collection published. My poems are also in many other publications, freely given.
My words came from me but they speak for so many, I believe that my words touch many, Jesus breathes life into my words.
I battled daily with thoughts of not being worthy of reaching out to others, but God has carefully and at times painfully stripped away those beliefs. I am now at a stage that my experiences and God's amazing love will and can enable me to reach out to others in pain and similar circumstances that were my own.
My testimony is of an ordinary person who wanted to end her life and in doing so she gave it to Jesus. He turned it around for her but as He always reminded her, she needed to take the first step, and in doing so He gave her a vision, which she never lost sight of.

BROKEN CHAINS (1)

I thought I knew you Lord, today you showed me, how wrong I was
I was sitting in a very deep pit deep and dark with slippery sides
the more I attempted to climb those walls
the more I became covered in sticky secretions
which further hampered my movements.

I called out to you for mercy you answered my call
you came to my assistance offering me new life
you sat on the edge of the pit with your hand out stretched to me
forgive me Lord for not answering your call.

I continued to struggle in the pit of despair
becoming more and more entrenched in the filth that was there
again and again I prayed for an end to the pain
yet I ignored you and your gift of love.

You have so much compassion
so my Lord you leapt into the darkness
alongside me to comfort me and to relieve me of my anguish
fighting demons on my behalf.

Today, Lord you whispered gently in my mind
you chastised me sweetly
you told me you could no longer stay with me in my pit
it was time to move on together.

You took my hand in yours saying trust me with all your heart
with your awesome power you filled my pit with radiant light
and turned it on to its side
Lord you lead me out by your side.

We walked through a green field and came to a rusty gate
barred by chains and locks barbed wire
one word from you, the bolts slid away the chains were broken in two
as we stepped through the gate it immediately closed behind us
new signs appeared saying keep out trespassers will be shot.

You lead me through a spring meadow full of fresh green growth
daffodils gently swaying in the breeze
you lead me to a wooden bench looking out at a vast lake
you told me to rest and be at peace at last.



Sue Holt


​

 

[ivory]

Father, touch her In the name of Jesus. Anoint her mind and keep it. Any dosorders that was manifesting and that may still try to manifest, take it away. Keep her mind on You. Where there is no personal relationship, build one. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

 

[pud]

Thankyou so much for your prayer, it will help me to pass my burden into Jesus loving hands. I play for the day I will be healed.

 

[Gottservant]

You encourage me that even when the very Church Christ will marry betrayed you, you struggled on. Surely Christ will be near to you, all the days of your life.