Well, I once wrote a poetic testimony on CF involving the search for truth. That's true, but not entirely true. Here is the whole story, complete and naked, and that's nothing I'm proud of:
My earliest years were lived in borrowed faith. I called myself a christian and could tell you who Jesus was, but I never really believed it in my heart or understood it, and I can remember even being doubtful as a child. As I matured, I realized this and completely gave up on faith, becoming an athiest after rejecting buddhism.
In my case, my life became a downward spiral into things like pornography and glorifying death and murder (though thankfully I never acted on any urges). It was a special brand of religion I had sired: everything was heading toward death, like a spiral. I called it the deathward spiral principle. Like a blackhole is powerful, in death, there is also power. Death has power over life. I really wish I were making this up, but both wrath and lust also combined in my head, as if one level of sickness wasn't good enough. I had perverted the acute creativity that God had given me to the point where it makes my stomach turn to even think about it. Perversions blended into one darkness that I so throughly enjoyed and endulged in. Carnality was god.
As ashamed as I am over it, it is still the truth. As I mention later on, the truth can be painful. My life was a living hell with no escape, the more I enjoyed entertaining sick pleasures in my head, the more secluded and depressed I became. It was amazing I never did anything illegal, but I was definately heading that way. I have always had bouts of depression, but not like this; it was a sick depression. When I got depressed, I forced myself in deeper until I got so tired that I became apathedic about how I felt. Nothing was really good enough, I would just repeat the cycle until infinitum. I considered myself to be a moral person, but inside I was empty and sick in the head.
I enjoyed studying and intellectual debate, but my schooling suffered. I was eventually labeled as emotionally unstable due to my depression. Looking back at how messed up I was, I would have probably given myself worse. Build a sick mind frame ontop of teenage angst and depression and you get the perfect cocktail for suicidal thoughts. Again, it's amazing I never did anything.
This darkness lasted for a good 10 years of my life. I never acted outwardly, but I was crumbling on the inside. My spirit was dead, my attitude stunk, and my views of life rewarded me only with bitterness and friends who only admired me as "hardcore" or "psycho".
While RPGing, I began to plan a priest character. It was almost as if I was smacked all of a sudden (though some may call it being called). Without even considering God or seeking him, my mind was redirected through the romance of what being a priest was to seriously considering my life, mortality, and faith. I was changed over about a week. A long, tear-filled, painful, doubting, fearful week. I understood that I had to do something. My entire being was torn and shot to a state of a sobbing worm. I finally got so sick of my life and feeling sorry for myself that I decided to take a look at the case of Christianity. I looked at apologetics for and against, opinions for and against, comments, smug remarks by both parties, the variety of belief, it was overwhelming and confused me, frankly. I didn't care about immortality. I didn't care about happiness. When you've been crying all week, you don't care about anything. All I wanted was the truth.
Finally, through reason, I accepted the hand offered to me by Jesus Christ and began my path of discipleship. I prayed to God for wisdom. It's amazing... so swift and quick are the answers to your prayers if they're in His will. Since then, it seems like God has piled a few lifetimes on me. Granted, these lifetimes have been struggles with doubt and confusion, and my Christian walk continues as such. Christianity is not an easy thing, but rather a struggle. I have come to love that struggle. I can look back and say "yeah, I would have given my left arm to get out of that situation when I was there, but it has hardened my faith to the point where I would give my left arm to keep it", in all honesty.
My walk is still a struggle. My past desires have become scars on my soul, healed but still there to be remembered; that is to say, to be remembered when I decide to see another as demented, hopeless, and/or a complete sinner. I'm glad for that, because it seems like I can see my own sin more clearly in others than I can myself. I still deal with the demons of lust and wrath from my past, but my Lord gives me the strength to overcome their chains and run, quite fast, in the oppisite direction of them whenever they rear their ugly heads. I can now see the phases I went through on others with clarity. It's a cliche, really, that my "eyes were opened", but in all honesty that's what it feels like. When people say "well, I believe in something a little different" or "this is what I believe" or "I can't believe that" or "that just isn't for me", I literally cringe. I remember in my expirimental phase choosing buddhism like it was an artical of clothing. I didn't consider it's truth, just the fact that it fit my personality. Truth is not a garment. Truth does NOT fit you. You fit it, and in doing so... it breaks you. Some may say "Aha! Brainwashing!", but in truth, it's really like looking at the facts you were afraid to open your eyes to.
If you're not trusting my Savior, please, seek the truth honestly and innocently. I'm not one to speak, as I never seeked or loved God until he first loved and found me, but just trust me on this one. Truth is sharp and cutting, but in being sharp and cutting, it cuts away all your falsehoods.
Even typing this, I feel disgusted with who I was. To say I was perfect and remove 10 years of my life goes against what the truth truely was in my case, so feel free to feel disgusted at who I was too. By the mercy of God, I left that behind and am now quite stable both in spirit and soul. What about body? Ehh... I'm working on that.
My earliest years were lived in borrowed faith. I called myself a christian and could tell you who Jesus was, but I never really believed it in my heart or understood it, and I can remember even being doubtful as a child. As I matured, I realized this and completely gave up on faith, becoming an athiest after rejecting buddhism.
In my case, my life became a downward spiral into things like pornography and glorifying death and murder (though thankfully I never acted on any urges). It was a special brand of religion I had sired: everything was heading toward death, like a spiral. I called it the deathward spiral principle. Like a blackhole is powerful, in death, there is also power. Death has power over life. I really wish I were making this up, but both wrath and lust also combined in my head, as if one level of sickness wasn't good enough. I had perverted the acute creativity that God had given me to the point where it makes my stomach turn to even think about it. Perversions blended into one darkness that I so throughly enjoyed and endulged in. Carnality was god.
As ashamed as I am over it, it is still the truth. As I mention later on, the truth can be painful. My life was a living hell with no escape, the more I enjoyed entertaining sick pleasures in my head, the more secluded and depressed I became. It was amazing I never did anything illegal, but I was definately heading that way. I have always had bouts of depression, but not like this; it was a sick depression. When I got depressed, I forced myself in deeper until I got so tired that I became apathedic about how I felt. Nothing was really good enough, I would just repeat the cycle until infinitum. I considered myself to be a moral person, but inside I was empty and sick in the head.
I enjoyed studying and intellectual debate, but my schooling suffered. I was eventually labeled as emotionally unstable due to my depression. Looking back at how messed up I was, I would have probably given myself worse. Build a sick mind frame ontop of teenage angst and depression and you get the perfect cocktail for suicidal thoughts. Again, it's amazing I never did anything.
This darkness lasted for a good 10 years of my life. I never acted outwardly, but I was crumbling on the inside. My spirit was dead, my attitude stunk, and my views of life rewarded me only with bitterness and friends who only admired me as "hardcore" or "psycho".
While RPGing, I began to plan a priest character. It was almost as if I was smacked all of a sudden (though some may call it being called). Without even considering God or seeking him, my mind was redirected through the romance of what being a priest was to seriously considering my life, mortality, and faith. I was changed over about a week. A long, tear-filled, painful, doubting, fearful week. I understood that I had to do something. My entire being was torn and shot to a state of a sobbing worm. I finally got so sick of my life and feeling sorry for myself that I decided to take a look at the case of Christianity. I looked at apologetics for and against, opinions for and against, comments, smug remarks by both parties, the variety of belief, it was overwhelming and confused me, frankly. I didn't care about immortality. I didn't care about happiness. When you've been crying all week, you don't care about anything. All I wanted was the truth.
Finally, through reason, I accepted the hand offered to me by Jesus Christ and began my path of discipleship. I prayed to God for wisdom. It's amazing... so swift and quick are the answers to your prayers if they're in His will. Since then, it seems like God has piled a few lifetimes on me. Granted, these lifetimes have been struggles with doubt and confusion, and my Christian walk continues as such. Christianity is not an easy thing, but rather a struggle. I have come to love that struggle. I can look back and say "yeah, I would have given my left arm to get out of that situation when I was there, but it has hardened my faith to the point where I would give my left arm to keep it", in all honesty.
My walk is still a struggle. My past desires have become scars on my soul, healed but still there to be remembered; that is to say, to be remembered when I decide to see another as demented, hopeless, and/or a complete sinner. I'm glad for that, because it seems like I can see my own sin more clearly in others than I can myself. I still deal with the demons of lust and wrath from my past, but my Lord gives me the strength to overcome their chains and run, quite fast, in the oppisite direction of them whenever they rear their ugly heads. I can now see the phases I went through on others with clarity. It's a cliche, really, that my "eyes were opened", but in all honesty that's what it feels like. When people say "well, I believe in something a little different" or "this is what I believe" or "I can't believe that" or "that just isn't for me", I literally cringe. I remember in my expirimental phase choosing buddhism like it was an artical of clothing. I didn't consider it's truth, just the fact that it fit my personality. Truth is not a garment. Truth does NOT fit you. You fit it, and in doing so... it breaks you. Some may say "Aha! Brainwashing!", but in truth, it's really like looking at the facts you were afraid to open your eyes to.
If you're not trusting my Savior, please, seek the truth honestly and innocently. I'm not one to speak, as I never seeked or loved God until he first loved and found me, but just trust me on this one. Truth is sharp and cutting, but in being sharp and cutting, it cuts away all your falsehoods.
Even typing this, I feel disgusted with who I was. To say I was perfect and remove 10 years of my life goes against what the truth truely was in my case, so feel free to feel disgusted at who I was too. By the mercy of God, I left that behind and am now quite stable both in spirit and soul. What about body? Ehh... I'm working on that.
