The time has come...

[christianfilmcrew]

It is time that I face reality, in light of my wife's continued willful unrestrained relationships with other men. I'm filing for an uncontested divorce in the remote hope that it might finally be a wake up call to my wife.

I don't know what else to do. She continues to try and dominate and control me, and has never protected our marriage from infidelity. She is now indicating complete blatant want to have unrestrained relationships with members of the opposite sex.

While I'm not sure if she has slept with anyone else, the attitude of the heart is there and the warning signs are there. I can not sit by any longer and permit this to continue.

I have tried everything within my power to save this marriage, and my wife has done absolutely nothing to save our marriage. She continues to want to do her own thing and to hell with the marriage.

Please pray for me as I go through this process. I so wanted my marriage to work, but it has become quite plain to see that she has no intention of saving our marriage.

I'm not sure where to turn, or what my residency status will be after all this. I'll have to call immigration on Monday and see if I have any legal protection... I'm moving into my own apartment on Jan 1.

 

[Southern Cross]

Hey ChristianFolmCrew, I pulled a few statements out of your post...

"It is time that I face reality, in light of my wife's continued willful unrestrained relationships with other men."

"She is now indicating complete blatant want to have unrestrained relationships with members of the opposite sex."

"While I'm not sure if she has slept with anyone else"

Infidelity, or even the hint of it, can tear up a relationship. I guess my first question is why is she doing this? Does she feel you have not paid enough attention to her? Has your relationship suffered because your interests have led the two of you in other directions?

My friend, if she has not cheated, please reconsider what you are about to do. Lots of people think the same things your wife is thinking, but not many are open enough to admit it or bold enough (in a foolish way) to follow through with it. Try, if at all posible, to work through it. If you file for divorce, and your wife feels the way she does, it may not be a wake up call for her - it might be exactly what she wants so certain boundaries removed, regardless if it will hurt her in the long run.

If she has cheated, my advice woud be to do the exact same thing: stick with your marriage - don't give up just yet. There may come a time when you need to walk away, but it seems like you don't know the facts yet, and therefore it might be too soon to file for divorce.

I've been in your shoes - still am. But it's taken me 2 1/2 - 3 years to begin seeing what the root causes of my marital problems are and to learn how to try to fix them. Admittedly, things still don't look good for our marriage, but at least the "demand a divorce" topic doesn't dominate our discussions anymore.

If I were you, I'd be angry and hurt. Maybe she is too, from things that have happened in your relationship. I'm hoping you two have started to seek counseling with a really good counselor, one who believes in upholding marriages in light of some pretty nasty things that can happen between husbands and wives.

 

[cbudc]

Good luck, I know exactly how you feel. I know how hard it is to have the one you love whole heartedly just continue to tear you up. I would naturally hope that your marriage can resolve but you can't keep going through this. I will be praying for you. God bless.

 

[bkg]

...

Edited for personal reasons.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Thanks Southern Cross. The situation has been a long time in coming. It's been over 1.5 years in coming, and I'm all to painfully aware of every issue in our marriage on both sides.

Unfortunately my wife refuses to admit any sin or wrongdoing. She certainly isn't allowing God to be the one in control.

I have prayed and waited and prayed, and cried, and seen many counsellors. Every one that spoke the truth to both of us, she cut and ran from. She refuses to take responsibility for her part of the problem. She's doing to me exactly the same thing she did to her first husband.

In terms of the divorce papers, I will be getting 'uncontested divorce' paperwork done, as I know that she will not sign them. She needs to know though that I am serious and will never accept infidelity within a marriage, and infidelity doesn't always include sex either for it to be indidelity. I also will no longer tolerate her aggression and violent behaviour.

I have tried boundaries with her, I have tried crying out to God. I have sought counsel over and over and over again. She simply wants to play the victim and demonize me just as she did to her first husband. I honestly understand what her first (non-christian) husband went through and why he made the decisions he did. If I weren't a Christian I would have done what he did. I also no longer believe all the lies my wife has told me about him. Simply because I now see and hear the same things being said about me which are totally untrue.

There has been violence in the marriage, and until recently I had been blaming myself for the violence. It was only after seeing a counsellor that I was able to see what really happened. Over a year ago I was trying to get away to safety in a disagreement so things wouldn't escalate, I tried dropping to my knees in prayer, I tried locking myself in the bathroom, but she kept coming after me, blocking the exit to the house all the while screaming at me, verbally assaulting me, attacking my friendships, church relationships, and spiritual walk. After 30-45 minutes of being tormented in this way I did finally break and I slapped her. Immediately I was devastated. Several months ago she admitted that she did that on purpose and her whole intention that day was to get me to hit her. James Dobson talks about this in his book "Love must be tough". The thing that hurts me the most is that she has tried that time and time again. I never let it happen again after that incident.

I just don't understand how she can blame me when I stumbled when she intentionally (by her own admission) set out to make me stumble. I don't understand how someone can treat another human being like this.

Recently I had to have hernia surgery. I decided to allow her to come along, thinking she might actually care about me. She drove me home immediately after the surgery and dumped me at home. Spent 2 hours away supposedly getting the prescription filled (but doing other things as well), and in the meantime the painkillers wore off. I was in excruciating pain and almost called 911 to try and get help. She then returned to the apartment, dumped the groceries she had decided to buy and left me alone to fend for myself.

I couldn't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom, and I was unable to get anything to eat for 2 days!

She doesn't think there was anything wrong with the way she treated me. She has offered no apology, and has NO remorse over her behaviour. I wouldn't treat an enemy like that, let alone someone who I'm supposed to be a friend to...

I'm not prepared to risk both my life and my freedom for the sake of a marriage, I'm not prepared to go to jail because of a mentally unstable spouse who has a long history of calling the police on people. She also has a long history of violence in her life. She beat up her ex-husband and relays the story with a smirk on her face.

Is this a type of marriage anyone else would stick in?

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Post Script: I saw something today that was the first time I've heard from God over this marriage.... As I was driving to church today I looked uip and saw the words...

"It's your heart. It's your choice. Make it a good one."

God is giving me the choice on what to do here. All I can do now is ask and pray about making the best choice.

 

[Southern Cross]

Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm truly not sure what I would do if I were in your postition. I'm not one to tolerate being abused or ignored or treated with indifference, but I think God is trying to teach us patience in our marriages.

Destructive behavior like what you described usually ties back to past abuse as a child, and those cycles can be very hard to break. I've seen miracles of people being healed from this, but it's only usually after they've fallen as low as they can go.

All you can do is try to love her as best as you can. I hope I'm not too presumptious, but a thought just popped into my mind from nowhere in particular... maybe she figures you will leave her anyway, and it's driving this behavior. Could it be she wants you to be a rock and an anchor in her life, but feels a need to push you away becasue everyone else has left her? It could be a subconscious thing, and she's not even aware of what's driving her behavior.

Yeah, I know - ultimately, Jesus needs to be her rock and anchor. But you're Jesus' direct representative in this deal, right? Does she have a personality disorder that's treatable? Or is it that she truly despises you?

On the other hand - protect yourself. Be beyond reproach in how you deal with her even if your marriage ends.

 

[madison1101]

Your post could have been written by my ex 15 years ago. I was out of control, on the verge of affairs, though I never fully had sex with someone while married, angry, hostile, abusive, and provoked things in my ex that he probably would never have done otherwise.

I had a borderline personality disorder. It is a mental illness, and is very difficult to live with for the family members of people who have it. I never took responsibiliity for my outbursts and always blamed my ex.

I recommend that you seek psychotherapy for yourself, as you now must heal from this. I would not file for the divorce just yet. Instead, I would suggest that you see if your wife might consider going into therapy for herself to talk about why she has so much anger and seems out of control. If she is unwilling to consider it, then, you file. If necessary offer her the ultimatum of going into therapy for herself, or you leave.

People with borderline personality sometimes lack motivation to change unless they are threatened with abandonment by the people they love. That is what it took for me to change, unfortunatley it was too late, as my husband left me and remarried. I changed overnight, but it was too little, too late.


Official Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment


2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self


​

4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)


5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7) chronic feelings of emptiness

8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms

http://www.biologicalunhappiness.com/DSM.htm



​

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Thanks Madison & SC.

I've pretty much covered those bases. I'm done being bullied and manipulated. Honestly I think my wife is wanting me to divorce her so she can play the victim again and demonize me the way she did with her first husband. It's like she wants a divorce and is doing everything she can to get it, but in a way that allows her to play victim and demonize the other person. She knows I will not have an affair, so she's just not doing anything to save the marriage but is doing everything to have the appearance that she is trying to save the marriage. It's a smokescreen and there's but a few people who are seeing it... The people who journeyed with her through her first divorce are now starting to realize where the truth actually lays...

The thing that gets me right now is she's playing this game that I just don't want to be a part of. She's trying to manipulate and keep in total control. The only thing I can do, as mentioned above is let her fall. If it takes divorce to wake her up, then that's what it takes. I believe it is now the only thing that will get her attention. You see I never enacted consequences to abusive behaviour and she doesn't believe I am serious about protecting marriage against affairs etc.

Gosh here's something else that happened... She never cut off relationships with guys who had designs on her. One would visit her at work and drop off pies etc, another sent CD's, and I even found her at work frequently with a guy who would come around and just sit talking with her for hours. He worked in valet, she worked in a store in a big hotel. There was NO reason for him to be there. She has frequently got upset at me that I would dare ask her to protect our marriage from infidelity. One guy bought a car for us, a bed and more. This guy actually said to me 'I will have to change my prayers then' when he found out we had gotten married. She has no girlfriends, nor any friends who are christians!

In terms of the personality disorder. She has low self esteem. Has been held up at gunpoint twice once at a coffee shop and the other was her ex-husband at least as she told me. She has been raped by two different men, one was a boyfriend in high school and her mother didn't believe her. Not only that, this same guy still visits her mother to this day! What's more her first husband apparently raped her too before she married him (If this is the truth, I no longer know). She constantly had people wanting to beat her up at school, her cheerleading team, members of baton competitions. She smirks when she says how she got one girl expelled from school. She beat up her ex-husband and made him bleed. She has also scratched me bad and left a scar.

I know already where all the issues are, and supposedly she is working through those issues with a counsellor (who I ended up firing on my side because he told her she was free to have unrestained unaccountable relationships with other men and go into chat rooms etc!). She is seeing this young male counsellor after hours alone behind closed doors which should not be going on. Every mature counsellor I've known has always said men with men, women with women. If it's a male/female counselling situation it should be with the door open or with another person in the room.

I just can't condone this behaviour anymore, and I'm not going to be a punching bag anymore. If filing for uncontested divorce (which she would have to sign-and I know she won't) doesn't bring things to a head and change the situation, then the marriage was doomed anyway. James Dobson says: It is better to force a crisis that in most cases will see the marriage saved, than to let it whimper away into failure. If it doesn't work then it was going to fail anyway.

I'm not going to be a doormat anymore, I am seeing a counsellor that God guided me to, but my wife refuses to see her. She wants to be in control so she is trying to force me to meet her with someone who she knows she can have the upper hand with. I've been a pushover for too long, and I need to stand firm in God. I'm finally getting a backbone (btw my wife is a former world champion baton twirler and is every bit as strong as me, if not stronger), and I finally started standing up to her. It's when I started doing this the control and domination issues have become totally extreme.

I'm moving out of the apartment into a one bedroom place so I can finally pay my bills that I have put off for the last 2 years because I was paying down all her debts from her first marriage that she didn't tell me about before I married her. She accused me of being controlling by doing this, and of not fulfilling my financial responsibility to her. She walked out on our marriage! While am I releasing her from $535 per month in rent, I also have to hand back the health insurance, and car insurance to her. I'm not paying her bills anymore and my health insurance won't cover her while she is separated. She says I'm shirking my responsibility and putting her in financial hardship. I don't understand where she gets that because she is now $200 per month better off by me doing this!!!

I am so frustrated. I need to call immigration, because I have am originally from Australia and am currently holding a condiitional permanent residencey card and because of what's happening I'm not sure what my immigration status might be now. I know that there is a provision for battered spouses, but I need to figure out exactly what my legal standing is. She separated one month after being given my residency card which will not look good to immigration!

When I think about this marriage, and my wife, I literally feel like throwing up. I feel so sickened by the whole thing. It's my fault too that I got myelf into this situation. I should have gone back to Australia when I first saw problems, but I was bullied and threatened into marriage. If I had taken the time to walk this out as I normally would have there is no way I would have ended up marrying this girl.

 

[madison1101]

Your feelings are totally understandable, and I will not fault you for leaving. Just as I would advise an abused wife to get out, I will also advise an abused husband the same.

I do disagree with you on the counselor gender thing. I am a therapist and I work with male and female clients, alone, behind closed doors. I have been in therapy with a male psychologist and male psychiatrist, alone, behind closed doors. That is the standard for psychotherapy. Gender is not the issue, qualifications and therapeutic relationship are the criterion. You say your wife sees a counselor. What is his degree in? There are psychologists, social workers, and counselors. Some are licensed and some aren't.

Prior to my therapy, I did not relate well with women. I despised women.

I also pushed my husband away. My thinking was that everyone in my life had abandoned me, so he will too. I made sure he had ample reason.

Continue to pray. God will heal you.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

I totally disagree. This so called counsellor only listened to one side. Has tatoos on his arms and is not someone who I feel safe with. I believe she might be having an affair with him. This has also been highlighted because of the way he treated me. I am considering taking legal action against the counselling center! I also would rather listen to James Dobson and the pastors of major churches and leaders of international mission agencies that I have been associated with than with any counsellor who doesn't understand the danger in male/female counselling.

 

[E_Powers]

the best advice i can give you is pray to god for him to take your marriage and sacrifice it on his alter so he can burn up what is impure and all that is left is the pure in him. then if it is his will to rebuild your marriage in his glory and make rebuilt in his strength.

so that when the tides of time hits it your new marriage will not falter.

amen

and you dont need to get divorced to do this unless god says. just give it completly to god and he WILL work a miricle in your marriage. and what you will recieve will be much stronger then what you lost between the two of you.

 

[tonya]

One thing I noticed in your posts..were..I have been trying..I have done this..Let go and Let GOD...b/c I have been there..I was trying to fix everything and not letting God do it..in His time...in HIs way..BUT when I did, boy what a difference that made..I too am dealing with someone that has no self-esteem...someone that has been left by others and pushes me away b/c he thinks I will leave too! So I just pray and let God have control..I forgive him and love him and just try to have patience!! In this time I have seen my own faults and I feel God moving to make he and I better people for one another..Hang in there...

 

[madison1101]

You may be totally right in your feelings about this particular counselor. The fact that he has tattoos does not disqualify him from being able to provide adequate counsel. If you feel unsafe with him, there is probably something going on inside of you that you need to work out.

You are right that there is the possibility of a sexual relationship developing in some, not all, therapeutic relationships. Do not disqualify what I say because I practice therapy the way I do. I have been counseled by pastors alone, behind closed doors.

A good therapist will not violate good ethics, and will never do anything that will harm the client, like have a relationship with a client other than professionally. Unfortunately, in and out of the church, there are unethical counselors, pastors and therapists. Being of the same gender does not always guard against sexual impropriety, as there are also lesbian therapists in and out of the church.

Your wife needs a licensed psychotherapist, and probably a psychiatrist. It is up to her who she chooses to seek for psychological help. You can't demand she see a female. You also can't demand that she have someone else in the room with her when she is doing therapy. Therapy is done individually, unless it is marital, family or group. For your wife's behavior, she will probably require individual.

I believe instead of focusing your anger at the counselor, you focus your anger on your wife for behavior you are aware of, not what you suspect. Without evidence you just have suspicions. It would be best that you seek help for yourself.

 

[bkg]

...

 

[heartnsoul]

I'm stating this because my belief is that infidelity or extra-marital "friendships" are not the core problem - they are mearly a manifestation, a symptom, of the core problem(s) in the relationship. Those core problems are ALWAYS the responsibility of both people.

BKG, please forgive me but I need to clarify something here because I do not want others to be misled on one biased statement you made. The core problems of infidelity are NOT always the responsibility of BOTH people. I don't think it's fair for you to make a blanket statement like that and say that EVERY infidelity problem that happens in a marriage is due to the responsibility of BOTH people. In some cases, yes, but not all. Sometimes, the cheater may be struggling with personal issues that have nothing to do with the spouse whatsoever. The spouse (victim) can do everything to try to be the most loving and supportive spouse, but if the cheater is personally choosing to not honor the vows of the marriage and has personal issues with commitment, addiction, etc., then it's not the victim's fault for infidelity.


In your specific situation, it sounds like you did not give it your 100% in the marriage and thus you may have contributed to the failure of the marriage, however--you cannot shoulder 100% of the blame of your wife leaving or cheating (maybe 50%, but not 100% in my opinion). From my own experiences, I had every valid reason to cheat on my husband, but *I* chose not to. This is a very important clarification here. *I* chose to pray to God for healing of my marriage. So it depends on whether the cheater is seeking God's will or not. If the cheater willingly chooses to shut God out, then there is no godly marriage!! A godly marriage is when both partners put God at the center of their marriage.


Another example: My father was the kind of man who gave his 150% in a marriage. He loved my mother with all his heart. My dad was the perfect father any child would love to have. He always ate dinner with us every night and played board games, card games and spent a lot of time with us. My mother after 15 years cheated on my father and divorced him. That infidelity had NOTHING to do with any wrong committed by my father. My mother was just immature and wanted to "sew her oats" as the saying goes. She was forced to marry at a young age by an arranged marriage and also had rebellion issues regarding her own parents.

Infidelity is an unfortunate thing. Of course both spouses should always give it their 100% in a marriage, however not all infidelity cases are the responsibility of BOTH people.

Again, I believe God is a LOVING and FORGIVING God. God does not expect us to be doormats or martyrs and suffer forever. He loves us and wants the BEST for us. Let's encourage each other to pray hard, seek God's will, and begin healing.

 

[bkg]

....

 

[heartnsoul]

As to taking responsibility - you and I will have to agree to disagree. Marriage is not a 50/50 institution - it's 100/100. God described specific roles for us to play, and the man, in my opinion, bears more of the responsibility for the state of the marriage. I will continue to take responsibility for my divorce, because failure for me to take responsibility means failure to repent, to learn, to seek God's forgiveness, to grow spiritually/emotionally/intellectually. Again, it's just an opinion, but one I feel very strongly about.

blessings,
bkg

You have misunderstood my post on the 50/50 comment. When it comes to failure of a marriage, I was trying to say that it's never 100% the fault of one person. It could be 50% but not 100%. As far as giving to a marriage, my belief is that it should be 110/110 so if one person is having a bad day, the other person will more than compensate for the other one. And by the way, you can still grow spiritually/emotionally/intellectually if you take 50% of the blame. However, you have every right to take 100% of the blame if you so choose. That is where you and I can agree to disagree. In my opinion, each one of us is held accountable to God and bear responsibility to God. So if your wife chooses to leave and abandon your marriage after you repented, then she bears some responsibility. I pray that God heals you so you can move forward with your life and stop dwelling on the past. God already has forgiven you. When will you forgive yourself?

 

[Yitzchak]

To the original poster.......I will pray for you. it sounds as though you are in a rough situation. I will ask the Lord to give you lots of wisdom and strengthen you.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

BKG I have taken 100% responsibility for my part...

This is the deal...

Dean = 100% responsibilty for his part of 50% of the problem
Phelicia = 0% responsibilty for her part of 50% of the problem

I have taken responsibility for my part, otherwise I wouldn't be in such desperate pain! I have been taking care of my part of the problem, but my wife refuses to take responsibility for what she has done. She doens't believe she has sinned, nor does she believe she has done any wrong.

When are you going to quit attacking the people who have been walking the right path dude?