Here is an open letter about my situation to a friend:
Hi .........,
Well I've been in a marriage where there's been domestic violence, and I should have been wiser going into this. I met my wife online while I was in Australia and it really seemed God was calling us together. Saw many instances of miracles that seemed to indicate God was in it.
Upon arriving here in Las Vegas to meet her I started to find that everything was not as it seemed. Soon I was facing being controlled and dominated, but it took until recently for me to figure out what was going on.
We got married on Feb 4, 2003 and because I had sold all I owned in Australia to meet this girl we could only afford a wedding at a wedding chapel. Because of immigration time issues we got married a few months after we met face to face.
In the first week of marriage she dialled 911 because she wasn't getting her way in a disagreement. I had been respecting boundaries and was trying to do things right. Apparently from what she has told me she has no problem calling the police on people, or security. She dialled and hung up. The police came anyway and threatened to arrest me. Unfortunately I've found that in this town even if the guy is innocent and it's the woman who is aggressive the guy still gets arrested.
About a week after that I said I wanted an annulment/divorce because of what had happened. She then proceeded to tell me she wouldn't divorce me and started chasing me through the house. I was trying to get away to safety trying to get out of the house (as the police had advised me to do), and yet Phelicia blocked every door. She stood in front of me and I couldn't lay a finger on her to try and get past her because I knew what would happen if I did. This went on for about 30-45 minutes straight of me trying to escape from the house. I got to the point where I was about to call 911, but I didn't want to stoop to her level and she said they would arrest me. I elected not to call. That's when she got about an inch away from my face and let loose with such a terrible barrage of verbal abuse. Again I tried to get free, but I was trapped in a corner of the room. The more I tried to get to freedom the more she intensified her assault. Eventually I got to breaking point and I slapped her hard. I ran out of the house and straight to my church, but it was after hours. I was so scared. How could this happen? How could I end up in a situation like that? How could I ever strike another human being? A few months ago she admitted to me that it wsa her intention to make me hit her that day, and that she wasn't going to stop until she made it happen... For a year I carried around the guilt over what had happened, until I saw a counsellor several months back and started to see the situation for what really happened. I was still wrong for slapping her, and I should have followed through on the 911 call, even if it meant I was arrested.
It tore me apart so bad, and I knew I couldn't ever allow that to happen again. For the next year I went through more and more verbal abuse. I eventually figured out that she would deliberately try and bait me into conflict. I would end up dropping to my knees crying out to God asking Him to help. Towards the end where she finally separated from me, I decided to walk as Jesus walked in the face of His accusers. I didn't respond back to the accusations and assaults I just prayed. This time she went into a rage and again started accusing me of all sorts of things and blaming me for them. All of which had no basis in truth.
This particular day I eventually locked myself inside the bedroom and barricaded the door. She stood on the other side of the door screaming abuse at me for about 30 minutes. It was then that my step-daughter of 4 years old started mimicing her mom, and she started verbally assaulting me too. My wife has done this stuff in front of little Moriah all along. This tore me apart, my sweet innocent Moriah was changing...
In about July this year I connected with someone who works at Way of the Master with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, through a miracle we connected. I had been afraid to contact my old friends or even make new friends because of what had been happening in our marriage. I felt very threatened by Phelicia's behaviour and didn't want to lose any more friends. Well this particular month I started getting the confidence that God was with me and I had been handling myself correctly when confronted with Phelicia's assaults. I decided to take them to Disneyland and meet the my contact from WOTM. While there both Phelicia and Moriah threw a fit and that evening I confronted both of them and said that's really not the way for any of us to behave. My wife ignored me and offered no apology.
In the morning she totally ignored the issue I had brought up (as she had started doing in recent weeks), and then she started grabbing Moriah and dragging her away from me. I finally lost it, here my little princess was having fear instilled in her by her mom's behaviour and was being used as a pawn. This day would become the darkest day of my life. I became mad and I ended up spanking Moriah for running away from me. Immediately I fell on my face before God, Moriah was innocent and what I had done was abuse. I knew that God had to intervene (I'm balling here as I share this story). Moriah had done nothing wrong, and I had spanked an innocent child, who is the sweetest child I've ever met.
Moriah and I quickly sorted things out between us, but my wife was then able to use it as ammunition against me, as she had done in other situations in the past. Now I blew it this day and I fully acknowledge that. I got to breaking point and I screwed up. But I've taken care of it, have got counselling and much much more.
Phelicia separated several days after that. She started seeing a counsellor at a christian counselling center I had heard good things about. I spent probably two weeks in prayer checking my heart and my own salvation, wanting to make sure the foundation was right for me to start counselling. Soon I discovered that the counsellor was being one sided and wouldn't allow me to bring up what my wife had done. I ended up firing him as my counsellor after he told my wife she was free to go online into chat rooms with other men.
Not long ago I figured out one of the patterns in my wife's life. She has only sought out counsellors who will take her side and allow her to play the vicitim. We have seen several counsellors in the past and any of them that dared point out that she had issues, she ran from. She has never admitted she has been a part of the problem. Even in her first marriage to Nathan she says it was 100% her husbands fault and says he admits it was. Unfortunately I have come to realize that Phelicia has been trying to do the same thing with me. She's trying to make the blame 100% mine. She thinks I'm weak like all the other men in her life and expects me jus to roll over and take all the blame.
Now I've taken 100% responsibility for my percentage of the problem, but my wife has taken 0% responsibility for her part of the problem. What's worse is that she thinks she has done nothing wrong.
She has a long history of calling the police on people or security. She beat up her first husband and I still have a scar from one incident with her. She constantly had people in her cheerleading, baton and pageants wanting to beat her up as she was growing up. She's been raped twice and has been held up at gunpoint twice, once apparently by her ex husband.
I finally found a new counsellor after getting advice from Focus on the Family about what to look for in a counsellor and God led me to an awesome christian lady, who actually went to university with my friend's father-the founder of Youth With A Mission (YWAM). My wife has been trying to manipulate me and bully me the last few months and I finally had the courage to stand up to her about a month ago. I said I wouldn't be dominated or controlled anymore. Since then the domination and control efforts by her have intensified.
Yesterday I went to see her at the only place I had access to her at her work. She didn't think that what she was doing would have an impact on immigration, but the law says otherwise. I gave her the documents to read over so she could consider what she was doing. I also said that I would be at my counsellor if she was really serious about our marriage. I also called her bluff on her trying to dictate what step would be next. Through this I was calm and collected, but firm. Again she threatened to call security as she had done many times in the past, and after initially feeling threatened and heading out of the hotel/casino, I realized I needed to have courage and not be threatened like that anymore. I walked back in to say I wouldn't be threatened like that anymore. She tried on the security thing again, and this time I did call her bluff and said that was fine, but that I'd walk over with her and we could both talk with security. I wasn't going to be afraid anymore.
Eventually after waiting for the other security guy to meet with me I decided to leave. Outside I was able to talk with the security guys and they saw what had been going on. They were really friendly and nice and helpful to me. They could tell what was going on and as we stood there talking we all just started smiling and laughing over what had happened. They knew I was innocent and hadn't done anything wrong. They were just doing their job. They were so friendly though and gave me advice on what to do legally...
So basically now I'm on the brink of filing for legal separation. I've been in missions and ministry work for over 10 years now. I've travelled the world, seen over 250,000 people reached with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and have seen first hand over 30,000 people make first time decisions for Christ while on evangelistic campaigns. I'm no longer prepared to risk my life and my freedom for the sake of an abusive marriage.
Yesterday was the last straw for me, and the ball is now firmly in my wife's court.
Right after the incident with security I had a counselling appointment, and my counsellor voiced something I had only twigged on to a couple of days before. It seems my wife is trying to manipulate her way into a divorce where she can blame me for it. I have so wanted to file for divorce, but I would just be playing right into her hands if I were to do so. I also don't believe I have any Biblical grounds to do so, as yet. Although my wife continues to refuse to protect the marriage from infidelity and continues to want to have inappropriate relationships with other men.
Even the non-christians at my work know where the boundaries are on male/female relationships...
So that's basically where things are at. It's a lot of mess and I've really done everything I can do to save and heal this marriage. As time has gone by though the more I have seen where my actions have been innocent, as well as guilty. All along when I look back over my own actions I was doing everything I could to walk in integrity and walk as Jesus walked, unfortunately I'm not the only part of the picture... My wife is yet to own up to her part of the problem...
I'd better run and get ready for work...
In My Daddy,
Dean.
Hi .........,
Well I've been in a marriage where there's been domestic violence, and I should have been wiser going into this. I met my wife online while I was in Australia and it really seemed God was calling us together. Saw many instances of miracles that seemed to indicate God was in it.
Upon arriving here in Las Vegas to meet her I started to find that everything was not as it seemed. Soon I was facing being controlled and dominated, but it took until recently for me to figure out what was going on.
We got married on Feb 4, 2003 and because I had sold all I owned in Australia to meet this girl we could only afford a wedding at a wedding chapel. Because of immigration time issues we got married a few months after we met face to face.
In the first week of marriage she dialled 911 because she wasn't getting her way in a disagreement. I had been respecting boundaries and was trying to do things right. Apparently from what she has told me she has no problem calling the police on people, or security. She dialled and hung up. The police came anyway and threatened to arrest me. Unfortunately I've found that in this town even if the guy is innocent and it's the woman who is aggressive the guy still gets arrested.
About a week after that I said I wanted an annulment/divorce because of what had happened. She then proceeded to tell me she wouldn't divorce me and started chasing me through the house. I was trying to get away to safety trying to get out of the house (as the police had advised me to do), and yet Phelicia blocked every door. She stood in front of me and I couldn't lay a finger on her to try and get past her because I knew what would happen if I did. This went on for about 30-45 minutes straight of me trying to escape from the house. I got to the point where I was about to call 911, but I didn't want to stoop to her level and she said they would arrest me. I elected not to call. That's when she got about an inch away from my face and let loose with such a terrible barrage of verbal abuse. Again I tried to get free, but I was trapped in a corner of the room. The more I tried to get to freedom the more she intensified her assault. Eventually I got to breaking point and I slapped her hard. I ran out of the house and straight to my church, but it was after hours. I was so scared. How could this happen? How could I end up in a situation like that? How could I ever strike another human being? A few months ago she admitted to me that it wsa her intention to make me hit her that day, and that she wasn't going to stop until she made it happen... For a year I carried around the guilt over what had happened, until I saw a counsellor several months back and started to see the situation for what really happened. I was still wrong for slapping her, and I should have followed through on the 911 call, even if it meant I was arrested.
It tore me apart so bad, and I knew I couldn't ever allow that to happen again. For the next year I went through more and more verbal abuse. I eventually figured out that she would deliberately try and bait me into conflict. I would end up dropping to my knees crying out to God asking Him to help. Towards the end where she finally separated from me, I decided to walk as Jesus walked in the face of His accusers. I didn't respond back to the accusations and assaults I just prayed. This time she went into a rage and again started accusing me of all sorts of things and blaming me for them. All of which had no basis in truth.
This particular day I eventually locked myself inside the bedroom and barricaded the door. She stood on the other side of the door screaming abuse at me for about 30 minutes. It was then that my step-daughter of 4 years old started mimicing her mom, and she started verbally assaulting me too. My wife has done this stuff in front of little Moriah all along. This tore me apart, my sweet innocent Moriah was changing...
In about July this year I connected with someone who works at Way of the Master with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort, through a miracle we connected. I had been afraid to contact my old friends or even make new friends because of what had been happening in our marriage. I felt very threatened by Phelicia's behaviour and didn't want to lose any more friends. Well this particular month I started getting the confidence that God was with me and I had been handling myself correctly when confronted with Phelicia's assaults. I decided to take them to Disneyland and meet the my contact from WOTM. While there both Phelicia and Moriah threw a fit and that evening I confronted both of them and said that's really not the way for any of us to behave. My wife ignored me and offered no apology.
In the morning she totally ignored the issue I had brought up (as she had started doing in recent weeks), and then she started grabbing Moriah and dragging her away from me. I finally lost it, here my little princess was having fear instilled in her by her mom's behaviour and was being used as a pawn. This day would become the darkest day of my life. I became mad and I ended up spanking Moriah for running away from me. Immediately I fell on my face before God, Moriah was innocent and what I had done was abuse. I knew that God had to intervene (I'm balling here as I share this story). Moriah had done nothing wrong, and I had spanked an innocent child, who is the sweetest child I've ever met.
Moriah and I quickly sorted things out between us, but my wife was then able to use it as ammunition against me, as she had done in other situations in the past. Now I blew it this day and I fully acknowledge that. I got to breaking point and I screwed up. But I've taken care of it, have got counselling and much much more.
Phelicia separated several days after that. She started seeing a counsellor at a christian counselling center I had heard good things about. I spent probably two weeks in prayer checking my heart and my own salvation, wanting to make sure the foundation was right for me to start counselling. Soon I discovered that the counsellor was being one sided and wouldn't allow me to bring up what my wife had done. I ended up firing him as my counsellor after he told my wife she was free to go online into chat rooms with other men.
Not long ago I figured out one of the patterns in my wife's life. She has only sought out counsellors who will take her side and allow her to play the vicitim. We have seen several counsellors in the past and any of them that dared point out that she had issues, she ran from. She has never admitted she has been a part of the problem. Even in her first marriage to Nathan she says it was 100% her husbands fault and says he admits it was. Unfortunately I have come to realize that Phelicia has been trying to do the same thing with me. She's trying to make the blame 100% mine. She thinks I'm weak like all the other men in her life and expects me jus to roll over and take all the blame.
Now I've taken 100% responsibility for my percentage of the problem, but my wife has taken 0% responsibility for her part of the problem. What's worse is that she thinks she has done nothing wrong.
She has a long history of calling the police on people or security. She beat up her first husband and I still have a scar from one incident with her. She constantly had people in her cheerleading, baton and pageants wanting to beat her up as she was growing up. She's been raped twice and has been held up at gunpoint twice, once apparently by her ex husband.
I finally found a new counsellor after getting advice from Focus on the Family about what to look for in a counsellor and God led me to an awesome christian lady, who actually went to university with my friend's father-the founder of Youth With A Mission (YWAM). My wife has been trying to manipulate me and bully me the last few months and I finally had the courage to stand up to her about a month ago. I said I wouldn't be dominated or controlled anymore. Since then the domination and control efforts by her have intensified.
Yesterday I went to see her at the only place I had access to her at her work. She didn't think that what she was doing would have an impact on immigration, but the law says otherwise. I gave her the documents to read over so she could consider what she was doing. I also said that I would be at my counsellor if she was really serious about our marriage. I also called her bluff on her trying to dictate what step would be next. Through this I was calm and collected, but firm. Again she threatened to call security as she had done many times in the past, and after initially feeling threatened and heading out of the hotel/casino, I realized I needed to have courage and not be threatened like that anymore. I walked back in to say I wouldn't be threatened like that anymore. She tried on the security thing again, and this time I did call her bluff and said that was fine, but that I'd walk over with her and we could both talk with security. I wasn't going to be afraid anymore.
Eventually after waiting for the other security guy to meet with me I decided to leave. Outside I was able to talk with the security guys and they saw what had been going on. They were really friendly and nice and helpful to me. They could tell what was going on and as we stood there talking we all just started smiling and laughing over what had happened. They knew I was innocent and hadn't done anything wrong. They were just doing their job. They were so friendly though and gave me advice on what to do legally...
So basically now I'm on the brink of filing for legal separation. I've been in missions and ministry work for over 10 years now. I've travelled the world, seen over 250,000 people reached with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and have seen first hand over 30,000 people make first time decisions for Christ while on evangelistic campaigns. I'm no longer prepared to risk my life and my freedom for the sake of an abusive marriage.
Yesterday was the last straw for me, and the ball is now firmly in my wife's court.
Right after the incident with security I had a counselling appointment, and my counsellor voiced something I had only twigged on to a couple of days before. It seems my wife is trying to manipulate her way into a divorce where she can blame me for it. I have so wanted to file for divorce, but I would just be playing right into her hands if I were to do so. I also don't believe I have any Biblical grounds to do so, as yet. Although my wife continues to refuse to protect the marriage from infidelity and continues to want to have inappropriate relationships with other men.
Even the non-christians at my work know where the boundaries are on male/female relationships...
So that's basically where things are at. It's a lot of mess and I've really done everything I can do to save and heal this marriage. As time has gone by though the more I have seen where my actions have been innocent, as well as guilty. All along when I look back over my own actions I was doing everything I could to walk in integrity and walk as Jesus walked, unfortunately I'm not the only part of the picture... My wife is yet to own up to her part of the problem...
I'd better run and get ready for work...
In My Daddy,
Dean.
I now realize she wasn't the victim in a lot of her situations, she actually precipitated a lot of her own problems....
