The Scrupulosity Series: Episode 1, OCD and Me Pt. 1

Hi everyone. I hope you're all well.

I consider this thread section a blessing because it really relieves me to see people who are going through the exact same thing as me. It's really comforting and I credit it all to God, where I'm truly helped.

I find too that it really takes some pressure off me just to write about these things and be honest, you know? I kind of decided to turn it into journal entries, sort of...haha. Might as well. Some of this stuff I know I wrote about this before, but I'm going to try to write the shorter version of it.

I'm constantly going on about this to people over and over again...the same problems, and I just vent because these are things I carry through the day, pent up, and no matter how I try, I struggle to get away from it. My mom, pastors, and trusted friends assure me and use scripture to support it, I feel better, and then go back to overthinking again. I was told by a pastor that the way I'm going about things in a way that is not only unhealthy but unbiblical. It's not meant to be this difficult. I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself by giving myself a "laundry list", convincing myself that how well I'm doing depends on me, not God. And that I'm not walking in God's grace, but rather putting unfruitful restrictions on myself. either pray achingly or I find myself delaying prayer to God, because it's like I have so much on my mind that I end up not saying anything at all...or not know what to say (there's actually a quote for that). It's just a horrible feeling. I just feel horrible...I feel sick to my stomach at times, it aggravates my asthma, and my temples tighten with my TMJ.

I know very well by now that more than half of the stuff is OCD, spiritual OCD. Because at this point, it's just gone way past overthinking. I go through episodes of extreme anxiety about a million things at once, like there's a commotion in my head. I should know these things are not of God, but yet my mind tries to find a way that somehow something is from God, even it's likely not or very obviously not, which makes things more confusing for me. Without meaning to, my mind tries to hang on logic. If it makes enough sense, then my mind is just about convinced of it, which is ruining me. I take scriptures out of context a lot, without meaning to thinking that there's more that comes up with it than what it says. Putting more pressure on myself thinking that God is talking about a whole bunch of other stuff to and it comes up in my head, then it must be true or it must be my conscience talking to me. I trip up over so much that seems like a conscience thing but is really a lot of overthinking and OCD but I trip up over it.

I'm currently looking into a Christian psychiatrist. But right now, getting counseling from my pastors and the trusted people in my personal life has been helping the most as far as conversing with other Christians goes. My mind just goes to the extreme. It's like I often feel condemned for every little thing, whether it makes sense or not. It's like I can't enjoy anything. When I'm watching my favorite movies or tv shows or going over writing ideas I have (I'm a writer) I just end up feeling worried about something being wrong with everything or that anything that's not of God or doesn't glorify God is automatically wrong (even fantasy movies, which are not all bad right?) Even stuff that's totally harmless I just end up making myself miserable with overthinking about how it could be bad. It's to that point where OCD makes it feel like I need to stay away from everything or else I'm not putting God first, that even just having stuff I like in life is me not picking up the cross and not denying myself. I'm a writer and I constantly go through ideas throughout the day, ideas constantly rotating in my head. I've gone through a lot with trying to balance, trying to know where to draw the line with ideas to entertain and end up being paranoid God doesn't want this or that...and I just get bombarded with anxious thoughts, feeling condemned, and my mind races. I get afraid this is idolatry (I've been writing for years) when the last thing I want is to put anything before God. I get thoughts that try to suggest how I am, or how I'm doing anything that I'm afraid of doing. Thoughts come up trying to confirm it, and I just get more upset because I try to imagine how this is God and get the thought that if I don't listen to everything in my head then I'm disobeying God, I'm rebelling, and my heart's hardened in rebellion like in scripture. I get thoughts that this is me giving myself over the world. Then I just get so scared and cry...

Please continue to The Scrupulosity Series: Episode 1, OCD and Me Pt. 2

fashionista1 said:

I feel the same way. My issue is with fashion magazines like Vogue and Harper's Bazaar. I enjoy them and have a pretty extensive collection of them. I like when they become "vintage" as I can compare how the styles change. Even though I do not spend hours pouring over magazines (far from it), I feel condemned for even having this worldly interest. Same goes for movies/TV (I am selective about what I watch) as it is hard to find anything that does not have something "bad" in it. I understand where you're coming from.

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Yeah, see? I just...have such a hard time. Here I'm trying to discern what God is saying about these things and I'm just going about things the wrong way, overthinking and dealing with conflictedness. My mind goes into overdrive and then I just feel condemned. I'm getting counselling from my pastors and advice from my mom and some others that I trust. But OCD just makes things hard on me...and when I realize how I can stand up to these thoughts with the Word, fight back...it's like I'm not at times? Or I don't know what to do, like there's a blankness in my mind trying to grasp these problems? It probably makes no sense what I just said, it's hard to explain.