The Real Deal...

[EbonNelumbo]

My question is this: Have any of you experienced the death of a friend via self-termination and what did it do to you?

So here's the situation. I am drinking, sick and exhausted and chronically depressed. I don't want to necessarily die, as I attempted suicide before, a couple times, caused a lot of grief for friends, and actually went into cardiac arrest, but I am tired of merely existing.

I used to be involved with ministry, which was virtually the bane of my existance and then the church abruptly closed and all was lost. I just don't feel like there's a purpose for me anymore, like I used to help a ton of people and now I cannot do it as the ministry I led closed.

I am on medication and it doesn't help, at all.

My motive for not trying, and succeeding? The possibility of failure. That sounds absolutely terrible but I am in college and overwhelmed and tired and lonely and distant. I can't do this.

A lot of people depend on me, despite my best efforts to deter that thought from my mind...but I am tired and cannot see myself doing much good for them.

I know this all sounds really morbid and whiny, but all I want to know is how someone's suicide affected you. Sorry for the disconcerting explanations.

 

[newyorknewyork]

my dad took his life and it had a HUGE impact on my life

 

[Rhylla]

i've not lost a friend to suicide, but i had an online friend tell me exactly how he was going to do it over the weekend, he then logged off and i spent the weekend praying and thinking of him constantly. It upset me greatly.
He did log back in after a while, and he eventually did get help for a variety of problems. i was so relieved he was ok!

i know people feel angry when we talk about things like this, and hurt, and confused and guilty. I would imagine i would feel all these things and more if i lost a friend this way.

-Rhylla-

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I've never lost someone to suicide, but my Godfather lost his brother, and he says even to this day he tears up thinking of it...and I also have friends who've lost people that say the same thing. I for one would hate to lose you..

 

[newyorknewyork]

how are you feeling today? can u find another church to get involved in?

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Today I am depressed, though I found out it is strictly chemical. I take a REALLY high dose of antidepressants and it doesnt work at ALL when in combination with alcohol. I have toyed with the thought of suicide a lot lately and a few people are keeping me here.

Hannah, *sigh* I know I have let you down in that I have let myself down as the help I have tried to be for you.

Thank you all for your concern, but things aren't getting better emotionally. I met with a psychiatrist today who knew me when I attempted suicide last year and he brought up current ideations which i was honest about, but since I have didnt have a plan and method and time, it's not 'really' a danger to myself.

Everything is so bleak. I tried to stop drinking and found out it doesnt work that easily. It sent me into horrid flashbacks stemming from dreams which led to nightmares...and I am not going to any classes or doing anything...it's horrible.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

My question is this: Have any of you experienced the death of a friend via self-termination and what did it do to you?

So here's the situation. I am drinking, sick and exhausted and chronically depressed. I don't want to necessarily die, as I attempted suicide before, a couple times, caused a lot of grief for friends, and actually went into cardiac arrest, but I am tired of merely existing.

I used to be involved with ministry, which was virtually the bane of my existance and then the church abruptly closed and all was lost. I just don't feel like there's a purpose for me anymore, like I used to help a ton of people and now I cannot do it as the ministry I led closed.

I am on medication and it doesn't help, at all.

My motive for not trying, and succeeding? The possibility of failure. That sounds absolutely terrible but I am in college and overwhelmed and tired and lonely and distant. I can't do this.

A lot of people depend on me, despite my best efforts to deter that thought from my mind...but I am tired and cannot see myself doing much good for them.

I know this all sounds really morbid and whiny, but all I want to know is how someone's suicide affected you. Sorry for the disconcerting explanations.

Had a friend and a cousin commit suicide.

Alex shot himself on march 4, 1989. there isn't a day that goes by that my mind isn't spending its resources trying to undo the mess he created.

*hug*
I turn 34 this year.
What I can tell you from still being around here is that you are going to get through this blinding pain, and when it happens you'll swear the sun never shined so bright.
You don't know how precious you are. I'm sorry I'm so far away.

 

[Mskedi]

I've lost two people to suicide. Neither of them were best friends of mine by any means, but it still hurt (and continues to hurt). It nearly destroyed the friends of mine who were closer to them.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Thank you all for your responses. I was trying to gather as much data as I could. Thanks.

 

[Snoofles]

i havne't lost anyone that was close to me to suicide, but a friend of my mom's lost her son to it a little over two years ago. at first, they thought it was an accidental death. they thought he was trying to do the asfixiation (sp?).... he had his room in the basement and his dad found him they still have such a hard time to this day. (((((((((beani))))))))))))) you are a precious person, worth so much. please don't take your life. praying for you.

 

[Mayflower1]

I am praying for you Beanie. I had thought and planned suicide many times these last months but God, my family, and friends is what gives me a will to keep going. I don't want to put them through that. I haven't lost anyone to suicide but I don't want to...

 

[convictions]

life can be so hard sometimes x

 

[Catherineanne]

I tried to stop drinking and found out it doesnt work that easily. It sent me into horrid flashbacks stemming from dreams which led to nightmares...and I am not going to any classes or doing anything...it's horrible.

If you are having nightmares, and flashbacks, then you might have ptsd. This can be caused by many different things, but attempting to take your own life and going into cardiac arrest could certainly be one possible cause, even without going further back.

If you have ptsd, it is not uncommon to use alcohol to reduce the symptoms. It is also not uncommon to have suicidal ideation, or to attempt suicide.

I would investigate this, if I were you. If it is ptsd, and your doctor treats you for depression, then he is treating the symptom, rather than the cause, and your depression will not lift.

http://www.sidran.org/ptsdbrochure.html

The good news is, if it is ptsd, and you get appropriate help, then it is treatable, and you have a very real prospect of regaining your life.

I wish you well.

And to answer your question; I lost a friend to suicide many years ago. The impact on her family was incalculable, and continues to this day. Suicide is the result of unbearable pain, and I can understand why people choose to do this, and would never condemn them for it. But one result is that the unbearable pain is spread to innocent family and friends, engulfing them like a tidal wave. Which is why I choose to remain.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Catherine,
I was diagnosed with PTSD from two events when I was 16. I am 20 now and have had a few other altercations which have led to more of it. I also have GAD, OCD and SAD, as well as clinical depression and borderline personality disorder...and dyscalculia.

I wanted to know how serious an impact suicide takes with other people. I am studying psychology currently and the case studies talk in more metaphorical terms and case studies adn things which do not exactly relatet ot real experience, but instead what is perceived.

 

[Rhylla]

i've never heard the term "suicidal ideation" before. Just googled it.

that was me i guess, never attempted it, but it was constantly on my mind... it has passed!
even talking about it to a friend freaked them out so badly i never spoke of it again, until i realised the thoughts have finally slowed down to an almost standstill.
i know i would be devastated if a friend or family member took their own life. Like Catherine, i would never condemn them, but would probably blame myself.

hold in there, hun, it can pass! and i pray it will pass for you.

-Rhylla-

 

[trinitygrace]

My question is this: Have any of you experienced the death of a friend via self-termination and what did it do to you?

So here's the situation. I am drinking, sick and exhausted and chronically depressed. I don't want to necessarily die, as I attempted suicide before, a couple times, caused a lot of grief for friends, and actually went into cardiac arrest, but I am tired of merely existing.

I used to be involved with ministry, which was virtually the bane of my existance and then the church abruptly closed and all was lost. I just don't feel like there's a purpose for me anymore, like I used to help a ton of people and now I cannot do it as the ministry I led closed.

I am on medication and it doesn't help, at all.

My motive for not trying, and succeeding? The possibility of failure. That sounds absolutely terrible but I am in college and overwhelmed and tired and lonely and distant. I can't do this.

A lot of people depend on me, despite my best efforts to deter that thought from my mind...but I am tired and cannot see myself doing much good for them.

I know this all sounds really morbid and whiny, but all I want to know is how someone's suicide affected you. Sorry for the disconcerting explanations.

That is horrible what you are going through right now Oddbeani. God loves you so much and you are more important to others more than you could ever realize! If you take your life, you are giving in to the Satan because the thoughts of yourself, the depression you are feeling, they aren't from our good Lord. They are from the prince of this world. I have depression too and am on meds. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I have considered suicide many times, but in the end I don't do it not only because of the selfish act it is and the extreme and lasting hurt I would put on my family and friends, but because I love my life, even though it is hard, becuase God gave it to me and I treat it like a gift. I praise him in the storms. I pray that you can find this joy in your life too. It is hard now, but oddbeani, I promise things will get better. Please find another church. Like I said before, people need you more than you realize! Keep reaching out to others! And don't forget how much Jesus really does love you. You are his daughter, his princess!

 

[Catherineanne]

Catherine,
I was diagnosed with PTSD from two events when I was 16. I am 20 now and have had a few other altercations which have led to more of it. I also have GAD, OCD and SAD, as well as clinical depression and borderline personality disorder...and dyscalculia.

I wanted to know how serious an impact suicide takes with other people. I am studying psychology currently and the case studies talk in more metaphorical terms and case studies adn things which do not exactly relatet ot real experience, but instead what is perceived.

I'm sorry to hear about your ptsd et al. If you have not read Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, then I would very much recommend it.

Suicide is a terrible illness, and I think it is important to explain to the family and friends that the person who dies from suicide was unwell, and could not help doing what they did. Much of the pain afterwards derives from guilt, and turns into anger towards the person who died.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Hi and thank you for the affirmations. Most of my current problems, mentallty at leat I believed are caused by alcohol withdrawl and starting a new medication.
I attempted to take my life last year and it had some profound effects on the people who knew. Enough effects that many of them no longer speak to me. I have ensured I will never attempt again, as I am not one for failure. I still struggle with the temptations greatly and have no doubt if satan wins out that I will not fail. It's frightening.