the possible in-laws

[javan]

i have a common problem with my boyfriend's parents: they don't like me. on top of that, they hate me too. they go out of their way to sabatoge my sweetheart and i's relationship. the movie "monster in law" is so my boyfriend's mom, to the point where i'm sure she would poison me (if she could). i don't know what i've done to deserve such treatment because i have never done anything to her and her husband that they could not put behind them.....meaning i'm not a "danger" to their son or them. My boyfriend's brother is getting married this weekend and his mom is "threatening" me to not come and making my boyfriend feel bad for dating me. if i go i'm sure she will give me and my boyfriend the evil eye the whole darn time. i feel like me and my boyfriend's life is being stolen from. the devil comes to kill, to steal, and to destroy. we are both almost thirty (him 29 me 27) and we have been dating for 2 1/2 years. we deserve the privacy that we are not being given and he and i are tired of everything. what should we do and please pray for us!!!!!

 

[unjustwar]

can't help ya out in that situation.... because the boyfriend will always blow it off and side with his parents... If something that needs to be talked about seriously

 

[ChildOfGod20]

wow that's awful. i know what it's like sorta except it's my boyfriends siblings and they do mean things more subtly so that my boyfriend can't really tell they're being that mean but it makes me sooooo mad! i've never not liked anyone so much....to the point that it's almost hatred. and i pray about that a lot. sometimes i'll just think about how mean they are and start crying that's the only thing i can suggest...pray about it. i've tried to think of so many things to make things better but i can't. so i just pray. my boyfriend says talk to them about it. i say hahahahahha to that. i know how that will end up. it's hard. i'm sorry.

 

[bumblebee62331]

i have a common problem with my boyfriend's parents: they don't like me. on top of that, they hate me too. they go out of their way to sabatoge my sweetheart and i's relationship. the movie "monster in law" is so my boyfriend's mom, to the point where i'm sure she would poison me (if she could). i don't know what i've done to deserve such treatment because i have never done anything to her and her husband that they could not put behind them.....meaning i'm not a "danger" to their son or them. My boyfriend's brother is getting married this weekend and his mom is "threatening" me to not come and making my boyfriend feel bad for dating me. if i go i'm sure she will give me and my boyfriend the evil eye the whole darn time. i feel like me and my boyfriend's life is being stolen from. the devil comes to kill, to steal, and to destroy. we are both almost thirty (him 29 me 27) and we have been dating for 2 1/2 years. we deserve the privacy that we are not being given and he and i are tired of everything. what should we do and please pray for us!!!!!

I'm so sorry that your future in-laws don't get along with you. Unfortunately, many people suffer this.

You and your boyfriend need to decide whether or not you want a life with a mother-in-law who doesn't like you. If your love is strong enough to conquer that, then that's wonderful. Your children may not have grandparents, but they will have a happy and healthy family. There's not much you can do other than hope your future mother-in-law "gets over it" when she realises that she can't change her son's mind.

I'm sorry she does that, it's horrible. I mean, it's hard enough to enter someone else's family as a girlfriend, but if they do this, it's so unwelcoming and uncomfortable for you!

Does your boyfriend know about how his mother treats you? And if so, what does he do about it? Someone said about the boyfriend always siding with his mother - I'm sorry, but when it's his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, he should be looking out for her feelings. His mother is obviously terrified of letting go of her *thirty* year-old son and she needs to realise that she must accept this relationship, or risk losing her son, a daughter-in-law and any grandchildren that may come of your relationship.

 

[Adela]

I've never had to deal with anything this severe so I don't really know if I have the best advice, but I think you should talk to your boyfriend and find out how serious he is about your relationship. If your relationship is going to lead to marriage this problem needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. He can't let his family treat you like this, so it sounds bad but he needs to choose a side. He needs to confront them each time they disrespect you.

I can't imagine my husband siding with someone against me, even before we were married.

 

[Leanna]

.... because the boyfriend will always blow it off and side with his parents...

Is this a general statement about boyfriends? I don't think this is true. If he is still dating her then clearly he isn't doing everything mommy wants. He needs to lay down the law with his mother. He needs to tell her that if she doesn't get her act together he is going to stop coming to family events (and really mean it). Most controlling mothers at that point become suddenly nicer. If he wants to marry you then he needs to draw a line in the sand and demand that it not be crossed.

It may be she has some valid concerns though, I don't know you guys or what happened to begin with.

 

[Adela]

Is this a general statement about boyfriends? I don't think this is true. If he is still dating her then clearly he isn't doing everything mommy wants. He needs to lay down the law with his mother. He needs to tell her that if she doesn't get her act together he is going to stop coming to family events (and really mean it). Most controlling mothers at that point become suddenly nicer. If he wants to marry you then he needs to draw a line in the sand and demand that it not be crossed.

It may be she has some valid concerns though, I don't know you guys or what happened to begin with.

This usually does work in getting them to straitghten up a little. My situation was nothing like this, but there were a few inlaw problems and my husband really put his foot down. Once she sees that it isn't going to work anymore and it's only going to cause her problems she stop. She's doing it now because the boyfriend allows it.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Yeah...lets just say I can relate. He doesn't like me complaining about them so I try not to

 

[Nflite]

Pray that the Lord will put favor in your boyfriend's parent's hearts towards you.
Proverbs 21:1 The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.

 

[mlukas]

i have a common problem with my boyfriend's parents: they don't like me. on top of that, they hate me too. they go out of their way to sabatoge my sweetheart and i's relationship. the movie "monster in law" is so my boyfriend's mom, to the point where i'm sure she would poison me (if she could). i don't know what i've done to deserve such treatment because i have never done anything to her and her husband that they could not put behind them.....meaning i'm not a "danger" to their son or them. My boyfriend's brother is getting married this weekend and his mom is "threatening" me to not come and making my boyfriend feel bad for dating me. if i go i'm sure she will give me and my boyfriend the evil eye the whole darn time. i feel like me and my boyfriend's life is being stolen from. the devil comes to kill, to steal, and to destroy. we are both almost thirty (him 29 me 27) and we have been dating for 2 1/2 years. we deserve the privacy that we are not being given and he and i are tired of everything. what should we do and please pray for us!!!!!

I don't think I can really help but you have to ask yourself one very important question in this situation.
Does your boyfriend back you up? Does he stand up for you? Or does he let his parents berate you with no response of defense because he is trying to be the "good son"?
If he doesnt' stand up for you now, especially almost 3 years into the relationship, he probably never will. IF you are thinking of marrying him somewhere down the line he needs to be the kind of man that will defend you to his parents, his friends, his colleuges, anyone. I love my parents with all my heart but if they did something like this to my fiance there'd be some words! If it came down to spending less time with them because they make my fiance uncomfortable: So long mom and dad! See ya once a month!
Just make sure he is loyal to YOU and not caving to his parents. He's old enough where pi*&ing off his parents shouldn't be an issue, if it's done for the right reasons.
Like sticking up for his girlfriend...

 

[barefeetonholyground]

Of course I'll pray. I have the same problem only his mother is kind to my face. She hates being the bad guy even to someone she dislikes.

 

[javan]

thanks guys.
i don't like admitting this but i am so depressed this weekend. a few hours ago he left for the wedding, without me. he wants to see improvement of his parents towards me. He thinks that if i went things would only get worse. i really think that his mom is desperately trying to scare me off once and for all with this wedding tactic. so here i am, missing what could be my future brother-in-law's wedding, for the rest of my life. it's not like i'm missing his birthday party! i have hung out with his brother and brother's fiance so many times. i've been looking forward to their wedding for so long. what a nightmare. where's a time machine when you need one?!
you all have such good advice. about Ya moving the "kings" heart thing: i have been thinking about that lately. i have been wondering, may be Ya is closing this door? may be? But deep down i think it's evil coming against me. my close friend was reminding me today of how i have never had this happen to me before in dating, i have always had good relations with my dates' parents. really, i'm shocked. i woke up today and i was thinking, yuck, i'm not going to the wedding today.
somebody mentioned: i don't know you guys and what happened to begin with. well, i'll tell you what happened to begin with. can't help you with the getting to know us part something happened, but it's something that is none of her business. my ex-boyfriend of four years was verbally abusive and eventually threatened my life so i brought fear into me and my current boyfriend's relationship. the ex has apologized several times. i forgave him but i will always remember he threatened my life. i am my current boyfriend's first "real" girlfriend, all the others were just "flings" so he brought fear into our relationship. For eight months we argued with each other, constantly, not because we are incompatible (we are so compatible, i love it!), but because of our fears. Because of my fear i broke up with him SIX TIMES in two months during those eight months. i still can't believe i did that, it is so not like me at all. fear does "crazy" crazy things apparently. Finally, we decided no matter how much we were compatible, this ridiculousness (our arguing) had to stop, some how. we decided to take a couple days to think about what to do. finally, he took the words right out of my mouth and said, trust issues. he said, ok, we can either break up or trust each other, let's trust each other. i said i agree. so that was it. trust each other, and we did, and from that point on, i kid you not, not one argument, not ONE. a month later, his mom announces via a letter to my guy that she does not like me because she thinks i am manipulative he and i were devastated. i didn't know why she didn't like me because i had never done anything to her. she has been like the mom in monster-in-law ever since. one of my close friends thinks she is like an upset mother bear, over things that do not exist; and that a long time ago she decided she did not like me and is doing whatever it takes to get rid of me. her letter was her first attempt to get rid of me, it was not her last attempt, and the wedding is not her last attempt: she just does not get it: my dude and i want to be together. someone said that if my boyfriend wanted to leave me he would have done it by now, i agree.

 

[Johnnz]

My mother did not accept my wife. No matter waht she did. At best there was only a truce that could end anytime.

I had to tell my mother that my wife came first. Then, I deliberately limited our contact with her, often to special and family occasions - eg birthdays, Christmas. We could never relax in her presence, and I had to speak strongly to her sometimes when she got too negative with my wife.

It was not pleasant. But she could have destroyed our lives and what we stood for as Christians.

You and your boyfriend will need to decide who his first loyalty will be. Then stick to it. If he choses you, then you will have all the years left in her to manage and endure. I have never regretted the choice I made. It wa sjust so sad that my mother could never become a loved part of her son's marriage.

John
NZ

 

[javan]

thanks for your response, nice to hear the perspective of a guy going through/or went through? the same thing as my guy. are you still going through this because i noticed you wrote in past tense a lot.... like "was" instead of "is". and "had" to speak strongly to her instead of "have always had" to speak strongly. and my mother "could never become" instead of "has never been able to become". sorry, i was an english major so i was "trained" to read and write paying close attention to the tense of an essay, novel, whatever. i don't try to have perfect grammar on a forum because they are so casual but i still see certain things.

 

[Johnnz]

Past tense. Mum lived until 82. She died about three years ago. We had her around for a very long time.

John
NZ

 

[melandshanetria]

I'm sure the majority of us have to put up with in-laws, or future in-laws. My boyfriend is going to prayer meeting with me on Tuesday night and I just learned from him that his mom is not so easy to get along with, I never met her before and he will set up a day where we both can meet face to face. She's a Christian so, she's very serious about the woman that her son marries being saved and holyghost filled, but I'm not worried about that, because I know I am... I cringed at the thought of being examined, because sometimes, some people want you too perfect and may find things wrong with you that you didn't never knew existed. I just sat rooted in my spot because my ex-fiance's auntie who raised him was the same exact way, except she didn't like me just because I WAS with her nephew...she was so against us getting married, and him being the father to a baby that wasn't his...it was a very hard, tiring, and draining situation, and needless to say, God came in and split it up, now I get this news...I'm not burdened down about it, because the devil knows he only have a short while and he will try to use any tactic to destroy what God puts together, but he don't have any power! I want to encourage you just to hang in the fire and let God work things out, he will turn that situation out for your good, you may not see it now, but in the end, there will definitely be a blessing out of it for you and your fiance' both. I wish you all of the blessings of God. I'll be praying for you...

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Sorry to hear that. Like you said though, you two are adults. I would talk to your bf about this, and see what he thinks. If he sides with his parents then you need to really think if you want to continue the relationship. If he sides with his parents now, he will continue to later on down the road.

He needs to talk to his parents about treating you better, and he needs to ask them why they are treating you that way. It's not fair to you.

 

[javan]

John, sorry to hear about your mom, at the same time she lived a long life so that's nice.

thanks everyone for all the help and prayers. i can't thank you enough.

like i said, this weekend hit me really hard. no matter how hard i tried not to think about everything, i was somewhere else (emotionally) all weekend. you all don't know me and you may think that what you did for me was a small thing, but it wasn't, AT ALL.

i'll be praying for you guys too.

& good luck child of God 20, squirrelz_15, seattle rain, and melandshanetria!