- Apr 9, 2018
- 374
- 108
- 35
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Private
Let me take you back in time to a place in my life where something happened that changed my way of thinking. I was 19 and a member of Rock Band. I was a professional Heavy Metal Drummer. I was in some ways a rock star with some of the trappings. When I walked into a room everything changed. People stopped talking or they changed their conversation because of my presence. Everyone that I came across was interested in me because of what I could do or what I was doing. They stopped what they were doing just by me entering the room. Well as you can imagine something like that can go to any persons head but what if you were 19 and this was happening? Do you think it would go to your head? If I walked down a beach I would not make it far before people would come up to me to talk and interact with me. But then one night everything changed.
I was at a bar with my band-mates like normal after playing. I did something or said something or a combination of the two that changed everything in a moment. The kind of thing you can’t take back. The kind of thing that people don’t forget. The kind of thing that people don’t forgive. And in that moment my band-mates made a collective decision to turn their backs on me. I woke up the next day with no idea of anything. I don’t remember a thing about that night. I have no idea what I said or what I did I only know the seriousness of it based on what they did next.
They would not talk to me.
They turned their backs to me.
I still had to perform with them on a professional level doing the most demanding drum work that can be done. I had to perform on a high level and that's what made everything so surreal. I was still popular to people that didn’t know me but not to the only people that counted. I was thousands of miles from home and no way to talk to my family. What would I say anyways? My only family or friends that I cared about that I could talk to wanted nothing to do with me. It was worse then hate. It was no feeling towards me … I did not exist to them. I didn’t bother to even ask what I had done. That wasn’t the point. Whatever I did could be reflected in their actions. The people I needed day to day for my existence for my identity for my self worth thought I was worthless. Do you want to know what its like to be truly alone? I know what its like. You can be in a crowd of people and be completely alone. Worthless. Garbage. Useless. Nothing. To be isolated. To be discarded. To be alone.
I woke up that day after whatever I had done and my world changed. It was not the same. I could not have planed or even imagined such a thing. Remember where ever I went people changed what they were doing based on me just being there. Everyone wanted to talk to me. Everyone admired and respected me and then ….. isolation. On a dime.
After a few days of this I was suicidal. And I nearly did it. I was at the top of a building thousands of miles from home <Staff Edit. And I felt like the worthless piece of excrement that I must have been to make the people I respected deal with me like they did. There was no point in asking or pleading or talking. I knew instinctively that these people were very intelligent and talented. If they thought this way about me based on what I did … well then whatever I did could not be undone. Something about me began to fade … to slip away. And my band-mates saw it. Everything I took for granted was gone. And so my band-mates after about a week made an unspoken agreement and began to talk to me again slowly. We never talked about what I had done. To this day I have no idea. It would be dissrespectfull to them and to that night to ever find out. Even though I as only 19 I knew that much. We slowly put that behind us because we had to. They needed me and I needed them. We had to keep playing on a professional level and to keep their backs to me was obviously going to lead to something bad. Simply put a human can not operate like that for very long. A human will do something to themselves like jump off a roof.
What is it about humans that need what I needed during that week? I needed respect. I needed companionship. I needed friendship from the only people that mattered in that place and time. The only people that I could connect with. The only people that knew me and had something serious in common. My fellow warriors, my comrades, my band-mates. They knew me. They were going through some of the same things I was going through but they collectively made a decision that I was no longer worth their respect.
What evolutionary aspect would account for that horrific week. What mechanism makes us need respect, love, companionship or just the human warmth of acknowledging that you exist? That week changed my life forever. I looked at everything differently after that. It made me look deep and find something deeper inside. I no longer dealt with people on the shallow level that I had done before that week. Even though I never knew what I had done I did know that my attitude or thought process was all screwed up. My thoughts of others and respect to other's was clearly not right. And so I changed it. I knew one thing I did not want to be alone and isolated like that ever again. I new that I wanted people to at least show me enough warmth to acknowledge that I am alive. To show me enough respect for at least that. That week made me a much better person that was able to go through the process of being 19 and dealing with issues but being able to empathize with my fellow humans.
We need connection.
We need connection to God.
We need connection to each other.
We are not good on our own … not even close.
I was at a bar with my band-mates like normal after playing. I did something or said something or a combination of the two that changed everything in a moment. The kind of thing you can’t take back. The kind of thing that people don’t forget. The kind of thing that people don’t forgive. And in that moment my band-mates made a collective decision to turn their backs on me. I woke up the next day with no idea of anything. I don’t remember a thing about that night. I have no idea what I said or what I did I only know the seriousness of it based on what they did next.
They would not talk to me.
They turned their backs to me.
I still had to perform with them on a professional level doing the most demanding drum work that can be done. I had to perform on a high level and that's what made everything so surreal. I was still popular to people that didn’t know me but not to the only people that counted. I was thousands of miles from home and no way to talk to my family. What would I say anyways? My only family or friends that I cared about that I could talk to wanted nothing to do with me. It was worse then hate. It was no feeling towards me … I did not exist to them. I didn’t bother to even ask what I had done. That wasn’t the point. Whatever I did could be reflected in their actions. The people I needed day to day for my existence for my identity for my self worth thought I was worthless. Do you want to know what its like to be truly alone? I know what its like. You can be in a crowd of people and be completely alone. Worthless. Garbage. Useless. Nothing. To be isolated. To be discarded. To be alone.
I woke up that day after whatever I had done and my world changed. It was not the same. I could not have planed or even imagined such a thing. Remember where ever I went people changed what they were doing based on me just being there. Everyone wanted to talk to me. Everyone admired and respected me and then ….. isolation. On a dime.
After a few days of this I was suicidal. And I nearly did it. I was at the top of a building thousands of miles from home <Staff Edit. And I felt like the worthless piece of excrement that I must have been to make the people I respected deal with me like they did. There was no point in asking or pleading or talking. I knew instinctively that these people were very intelligent and talented. If they thought this way about me based on what I did … well then whatever I did could not be undone. Something about me began to fade … to slip away. And my band-mates saw it. Everything I took for granted was gone. And so my band-mates after about a week made an unspoken agreement and began to talk to me again slowly. We never talked about what I had done. To this day I have no idea. It would be dissrespectfull to them and to that night to ever find out. Even though I as only 19 I knew that much. We slowly put that behind us because we had to. They needed me and I needed them. We had to keep playing on a professional level and to keep their backs to me was obviously going to lead to something bad. Simply put a human can not operate like that for very long. A human will do something to themselves like jump off a roof.
What is it about humans that need what I needed during that week? I needed respect. I needed companionship. I needed friendship from the only people that mattered in that place and time. The only people that I could connect with. The only people that knew me and had something serious in common. My fellow warriors, my comrades, my band-mates. They knew me. They were going through some of the same things I was going through but they collectively made a decision that I was no longer worth their respect.
What evolutionary aspect would account for that horrific week. What mechanism makes us need respect, love, companionship or just the human warmth of acknowledging that you exist? That week changed my life forever. I looked at everything differently after that. It made me look deep and find something deeper inside. I no longer dealt with people on the shallow level that I had done before that week. Even though I never knew what I had done I did know that my attitude or thought process was all screwed up. My thoughts of others and respect to other's was clearly not right. And so I changed it. I knew one thing I did not want to be alone and isolated like that ever again. I new that I wanted people to at least show me enough warmth to acknowledge that I am alive. To show me enough respect for at least that. That week made me a much better person that was able to go through the process of being 19 and dealing with issues but being able to empathize with my fellow humans.
We need connection.
We need connection to God.
We need connection to each other.
We are not good on our own … not even close.
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