The Needy Ex

[deliciousBass]

I think I am too nice to my ex-wife. I often do her favors and I'm starting to feel used.

I paid her child support early this month because she said she was having financial problems. But when I asked her yesterday if she still had money in savings, she said she had about $2000! Now I know $2000 isn't a lot of money but keep in mind that she has lived with her parents for about 2 years now so she doesn't have rent and related expenses.

I did her resume for her and also a cover letter for a job she was applying to (and she got it). I also saved her hundreds of dollars by ordering her textbooks through a much cheaper website. There's a lot of other little things I do just to help her out. She acts like life is so tough for her now but I am really starting to feel unsympathetic since she wouldn't have any of these problems if she hadn't decided to get a divorce in the first place.

She has had a boyfriend for a while now so I kinda feel he should be doing these things for her but I don't know how to put it politely. I think I need to lay some boundaries and stop helping her every time she needs help. Any suggestions?

 

[kanga22]

Um, just say "no" and/or get a girlfriend. Sounds like you enjoy being a caregiver - unfortunately your ex has learned to take advantage of this trait in you. And it's great if you are in a relationship where you get to receive the care on occasion.

Good luck with that new word - NO.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

There's nothing wrong with being nice, but you're acting like her dad. Why in the world can't she order her own textbooks? When I was separated from my ex and thought we were getting back together I helped my now ex refinance his car loan for a much lower interest rate which required me to put my name on the loan. Guess who got stuck with a truck when the loser thought the car payments were optional? At least he didn't run off with the truck though. It would bother me if I knew someone was paying too much money for something, but people like me and you need to just butt out. Let her grow up. Save your favors for the kid/kids.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It seems like she gets all the benefits of being married to you without having to do much of anything for you. Lucky her.

 

[deliciousBass]

Um, just say "no" and/or get a girlfriend. Sounds like you enjoy being a caregiver - unfortunately your ex has learned to take advantage of this trait in you. And it's great if you are in a relationship where you get to receive the care on occasion.

Good luck with that new word - NO.

That's a heck of a concept! Just say no. I think maybe I will try it someday

Here's the thing.. when I do nice things for her, I ask myself,"Would I do this for any of my friends?" And the answer is "yes, I would." But what I'm learning is that this isn't a friendship so I really shouldn't be doing her any favors.

It seems like she gets all the benefits of being married to you without having to do much of anything for you. Lucky her.

Yeah, exactly! Grrrr. Thanks.

 

[ShainaBrina]

I don't think it's a terrible thing to help your ex out. Having a good relationship with her is a great benefit to your child. By helping her to save money, you've helped your child too.

With any relationship though, you do need boundaries. Try this - before you do something, ask yourself if you will have resentment afterwards. If the answer is yes, then don't do it. If the answer is no...then go ahead.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Actually I do have a suggestion for you, and before I reply let me give you two brief stories:

#1--my ex decided to leave me and our two kids and our business, and he moved out of state to live with his lover who had four children by four different fathers (maybe that should have been a clue). From that day forward he refused to pay me one dime until a judge forced him to do so. When a judge DID force him to do so, he wanted me to NOT ASK for the back support because it would put him in a bind. Now did it dawn on him that it put me and the kids "in a bind" when one day he just up and moved out and quit paying all bills? Nope. And I didn't go for alimony or anything--just support for the kids he helped make and promised to support! For years he whined that things were "so tough for him financially" etc. but in real life things were financially easy until he decided to leave and pick someone else who couldn't support him! So in my story, I was civil to him but allowed him to experience his own choices.

#2--my current dear hubby's ex did something similar...left him and the kids and took off with her college lover of 15 years her junior and now complains that "things are tight" and she wants him to do stuff like fix the mower, buy her tires, etc. (BTW, it's been YEARS and she still asks ) Anyway he politely tells her "I'm sorry I need to do that for my current wife and family. You know you could ask XYZ to do that!" Once again he's being civil and letting her experience her own choices.

As I understand it, here's how this works. While your ex was married to you she had emotional need #1, 2 and 3 met but you weren't so great on maybe #4 and #5 and that made the opening for the boyfriend to slip in. So the BF slipped in and met emotional need #4 and #5 and your ex fantasized that BF would perfectly meet #1-#5 cuz "he's her soulmate." And so far, you're still meeting #1 and #2 so all he's got to do is keep up #4 and #5...and she's complaining to you about how tough things are because #3 isn't being met!

You are a nice person. You're thoughtful and kind and generous. So for about one year, step completely OUT of your ex's life and allow her to experience her own choices. I will be willing to bet you that with ONLY #4 and #5 being met, she will be mad at BF in no time and she will HAVE TO experience what her own choices brought to her life! After that, if you want to continue to be civil to her, that's your choice. After one year completely out of her life, you will have cut ties too and may choose to not be snarky but not be "helpful" either.


~Faithful

 

[deliciousBass]

FaithfulWife, thank you so much for your advice! That's exactly what I'm going to do!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Yeah, exactly! Grrrr. Thanks.

Maybe you need to be respected instead of being liked.