The many different things we grieve....

Colleen1 · Sep 30, 2012

There has been an over load of reminders for me of certain things and that's made it harder ...less breaks in between all the feelings and processing.

TomCS · Sep 30, 2012

Thank you, Colleen, for raising this question. I like this question very much.

First, I grieve the fact that I have been discouraged from grieving by many sources. I've been shamed for feeling bad over things. I grieve over the many regrets which I have over the way that my life has unfolded, the many bad choices which I have made in my life, and the many things that I have missed out on. I've been told that regret is useless (which is true, but beside the point) and that regret comes from Satan. I will grant that it is true that regret accomplishes nothing and does not change the past; but I still feel like I should be allowed to grieve the past without being shamed for it or being accused of self-pity.

- I grieve the fact that I have been emotionally and psychologically ill all my life. I have good intelligence, and I could have really been something special in the world. I failed completely in the world due to my depression, PTSD, severe shyness (to the point of being a mental illness) and severe abuse in my life.

- I grieve the fact that I feel that I wasn't given a fair chance to succeed in life. (I know the conservative mantra which says "life isn't fair, so get over it", but let's put that aside for now) I suffered severe emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse in my life; especially in the formative years. I was abused severely at home, in school, and in my first place of work. It scarred me so much, that I eventually gave up on trying to fit in and be happy in the world; because the world seemed like such a hostile place to me. I wonder if my life would have worked out differently if I had grown up in a safer, more supportive environment. Maybe it wouldn't have; maybe I would have failed in life anyway.

- I grieve to the point of tears when I imagine where I could be in life today if I had been given the fair chance that others were given. I imagine that I could have a well-paying job in a good field, my own home in a nice area, a beautiful and loving wife, and a fun social life. But none of that happened. Instead of that life, I have my sad life. I don't know whether my ruined life is due to my own bad choices (conservative thought), very unfortunate and difficult circumstances in my life (liberal thought), or some combination of the two. Whatever the cause, I grieve over my life that could have been but wasn't.

- I grieve the fact that I am a 40 year old emotionally stunted man-child, who isn't really an adult in any way that matters. I am completely dependent on others for my survival, which is an awful feeling. I am dependent on SSI for money and my parents for a roof over my head. I have no job or vocational skills to get one.

- I grieve the fact that I don't have a wife or girlfriend to share a loving relationship with. The sting of that pain hurts me more than any other grief which I have. I feel bad over the rejection which I have felt, not only from women, but from people in general. I never had the joy of a girlfriend, or any friends in general, to have fun with on a Friday night. I was too much of a nerd. I missed out on a fun social life completely as a teen, in my 20's, and it continues until to the present day.

Well, I guess that I'm about done now. Reading this back to myself, it did turn into a pity party. I don't know if I can process these things, grieve over them, and then move on constructively; or if I will just sink into self-pity.

Colleen1 · Oct 2, 2012

TomCS said:
Thank you, Colleen, for raising this question. I like this question very much.

First, I grieve the fact that I have been discouraged from grieving by many sources. I've been shamed for feeling bad over things. I grieve over the many regrets which I have over the way that my life has unfolded, the many bad choices which I have made in my life, and the many things that I have missed out on. I've been told that regret is useless (which is true, but beside the point) and that regret comes from Satan. I will grant that it is true that regret accomplishes nothing and does not change the past; but I still feel like I should be allowed to grieve the past without being shamed for it or being accused of self-pity.

You're welcome. I agree we need to grieve and shame doesn't help any situation unless we have something to feel shame over we have done wrong and grieving is not one of those things. Yes, we need to admit and process our feelings and problems. Otherwise, however else would w be able to learn, grow and understand what we need to do to move on. For me I find that when I understand things, I'm so much more comfortable, confident and to take care of myself and the things I need to. Not understanding creates anxiety for me.

TomCS said:
- I grieve the fact that I have been emotionally and psychologically ill all my life. I have good intelligence, and I could have really been something special in the world. I failed completely in the world due to my depression, PTSD, severe shyness (to the point of being a mental illness) and severe abuse in my life.

You are something special. God love each of us and He's our Father.

TomCS said:
- I grieve the fact that I feel that I wasn't given a fair chance to succeed in life. (I know the conservative mantra which says "life isn't fair, so get over it", but let's put that aside for now) I suffered severe emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse in my life; especially in the formative years. I was abused severely at home, in school, and in my first place of work. It scarred me so much, that I eventually gave up on trying to fit in and be happy in the world; because the world seemed like such a hostile place to me. I wonder if my life would have worked out differently if I had grown up in a safer, more supportive environment. Maybe it wouldn't have; maybe I would have failed in life anyway.

I'm not big on a lot of cliches. Cliches only address a very small specific part of a situation and can be used often to invalidate. I'm not impressed with this at all. Validation is so important in the way we relate to one another especially as a Christian. (Just my two cents).

TomCS said:
- I grieve to the point of tears when I imagine where I could be in life today if I had been given the fair chance that others were given. I imagine that I could have a well-paying job in a good field, my own home in a nice area, a beautiful and loving wife, and a fun social life. But none of that happened. Instead of that life, I have my sad life. I don't know whether my ruined life is due to my own bad choices (conservative thought), very unfortunate and difficult circumstances in my life (liberal thought), or some combination of the two. Whatever the cause, I grieve over my life that could have been but wasn't.

- I grieve the fact that I am a 40 year old emotionally stunted man-child, who isn't really an adult in any way that matters. I am completely dependent on others for my survival, which is an awful feeling. I am dependent on SSI for money and my parents for a roof over my head. I have no job or vocational skills to get one.

- I grieve the fact that I don't have a wife or girlfriend to share a loving relationship with. The sting of that pain hurts me more than any other grief which I have. I feel bad over the rejection which I have felt, not only from women, but from people in general. I never had the joy of a girlfriend, or any friends in general, to have fun with on a Friday night. I was too much of a nerd. I missed out on a fun social life completely as a teen, in my 20's, and it continues until to the present day.

Well, I guess that I'm about done now. Reading this back to myself, it did turn into a pity party. I don't know if I can process these things, grieve over them, and then move on constructively; or if I will just sink into self-pity.

I think there are times it is so important to say how we feel without editing our words, that way we can really see and connect the dots int he stuff we are processing / experiencing. I think it's like dealing with any problem. Unless we look at it realistically, how can we find a truly effective solution. When we've been abused, we truly have a lot to grieve over. There is so much loss. This isn't something we should feel shame over. We can take steps little by little and as long as there is progress no matter how small...it's progress. I heard a saying the other day that I posted on my fridge. It's "progress not perfection". This puts things into perspective for me. It reminds me to be content with where I am in the healing process etc. Easier said than done though.

Colleen1 · Oct 7, 2012

It was a really rough night but the morning was full of peace and hope.
I need to remember that God is real and moving in my life.
So, I'm hoping I have a better night tonight. If I think from an eternal
perspective and keep in mind that there is more life beyond this it usually helps.
God bless you all.

Your Hands - JJ Heller - YouTube

footballmommy · Oct 8, 2012

I think we grieve relationships the most. That encompasses a lot - not just our family relationships but friendships as well. I have been hurt just as badly by the loss of a close friend (not a death loss but the end of a friendship) as I have by the passing of family members. I think the older we get the more we realize that very few people are worthy of being in our inner circle. YOu can open yourself up without giving it all away.

Colleen1 · Oct 11, 2012

footballmommy said:
I think we grieve relationships the most. That encompasses a lot - not just our family relationships but friendships as well. I have been hurt just as badly by the loss of a close friend (not a death loss but the end of a friendship) as I have by the passing of family members. I think the older we get the more we realize that very few people are worthy of being in our inner circle. YOu can open yourself up without giving it all away.

So very very true. I appreciate what you've shared here and it's not everyone that understands some deeper emotions so ...it can be difficult to share some of these things. It's not very easy at times.

If Not For Grace · Oct 11, 2012

Grief usually makes those around us uncomfortable. That is why they discourage it. They have a need to make you feel better and an overwhelming desire to DO something (anything even if it's wrong) Most people don't get the fact the greif is a process as Colleen1 has pointed out. Maybe some reading this can look below and see where you are in the process so you can see how far you've come-Remember its not a race-just a process-some move faster/slower than others:

Colleen1 · Oct 11, 2012

Right, I think patience with ourselves and those grieving is important. Some people understand more than others and some people are comfortable enough to know they don't need to 'fix' things....just listen and be nonjudgemental. I like being content in whatever stage I'm in. Although I have to say I get pretty annoyed floating between pain and anger.

rowantree · Oct 12, 2012

I think also, that we do not always go through those stages in that order - at least that is what I have learned. I am not sure that for me, my state after my father died, fitted any of those descriptions. So I think also, it is a very personal thing and we have our own personal reactions. it is a good general picture of it, but we must always remember that anyone we meet may not follow that pattern.

My father died all of eleven and a half years ago, and I am STILL ing grief. Not so acute of course, but STILL can fall into the depths of pain over it, and can cry at any time also. Many would say I am not moving on, but this is not true at all. I simply feel things very deeply and always have.

I also still grieve the loss of my grandmother who died almost twenty years ago. This is because I was not allowed to grieve at the time. My grandmother was the only person who ever loved me and who ever gave me any stability of any kind as a child, and the only safety. So, I grieve those wonderful childhood days (few and far between actually since I did not live with her) that were 'normal' and happy. I grieve the loss of my childhood.

So, grief encompasses so many things. Sorry this got a bit longer than I intended it to.

Colleen1 · Oct 12, 2012

---

Colleen1 · Oct 12, 2012

rowantree said:
I think also, that we do not always go through those stages in that order - at least that is what I have learned. I am not sure that for me, my state after my father died, fitted any of those descriptions. So I think also, it is a very personal thing and we have our own personal reactions. it is a good general picture of it, but we must always remember that anyone we meet may not follow that pattern.

My father died all of eleven and a half years ago, and I am STILL ing grief. Not so acute of course, but STILL can fall into the depths of pain over it, and can cry at any time also. Many would say I am not moving on, but this is not true at all. I simply feel things very deeply and always have.

I also still grieve the loss of my grandmother who died almost twenty years ago. This is because I was not allowed to grieve at the time. My grandmother was the only person who ever loved me and who ever gave me any stability of any kind as a child, and the only safety. So, I grieve those wonderful childhood days (few and far between actually since I did not live with her) that were 'normal' and happy. I grieve the loss of my childhood.

So, grief encompasses so many things. Sorry this got a bit longer than I intended it to.

No problem. That's what this thread is for so fellowship away.

Yes, I think what you've said is true. I too float from stage to stage when I grieve and I'm use to the places I can get at stuck too. Giving ourselves time and understanding is good too. We still have memories and memories come but for myself, I think as long as it gets better then, I'm doing okay.

Yes, there are so many different types of losses we can experience and I think it's perfectly okay for us to admit we feel because of them regardless of the loss. I'm chronically ill too and there have been a fair few losses because of that too. But I have to say that, now I'm content and at peace even though I'm not 'there' yet. This is a big thing for me. Even in my 'chaos' it's important for my to have some sense of harmony, logic and understanding. If you know what I mean. I guess one way of saying it is that, I know I have to process all the junk but I like / need to feel safe doing it and understand so I have some sort of footing in my life. God is a good Father and he is at work and there is more beyond my current experience, this is helpful for me to remember....but easier said than done at times though. It's amazing how when I'm quiet and all the other distractions and 'not so good' things I use to comfort myself are gone that, my mind and heart zero in on the root of what really needs to be healed and processed in my life.

footballmommy · Oct 13, 2012

I have said many times that grief and loss comes in many different forms and fashions. You can grieve the loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a job, a close friendship, the list goes on and on. I have lost many relationships where I thought I had a friend when in fact I didn't. and you grieve that loss. Good thread.

rowantree · Oct 13, 2012

The thing that really gets to me is when people say that I should "move on". To me, grief is a natural feeling and it is a process and we all go through it differently. There is no rule to it. Yet often we are made to feel that there is a rule and we have to conform to it, or we are not normal. That has been my experience anyway.

Just lately, I have been having a hard time grieving not people whom I have lost, but the things that my husband and I can no longer do together - things that we loved and that were an integral part of us. Like walking in the hills, and a host of other things. My husband is disabled now and wheelchair bound and my own health is not good. I think that I held onto the hope that somehow things would improve and we would be able to do some of the things we used to do, again, and at least go for a holiday to the places that we absolutely loved, and that lifted our spirits to heaven. I have come to the realisation this past few weeks that this will now never be. I realise that what I have is memories now, and that in a way, there is no real future for us - only downhill. This has made me so so sad. The grief is sometimes unbearable, and I know that it is something I have to come to terms with.

I think it was C.S. Lewis who said that he had never realised how close to fear, grief is. I agree. Lately I too have been feeling that - terrible fear.

So, grief is so very many things, and for so very many reasons. It helps to share.

Colleen1 · Oct 14, 2012

footballmommy said:
I have said many times that grief and loss comes in many different forms and fashions. You can grieve the loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a job, a close friendship, the list goes on and on. I have lost many relationships where I thought I had a friend when in fact I didn't. and you grieve that loss. Good thread.

Thanks. Oh boy do I hear you. I can relate. I also grieve the situation / human nature part of 'Job's friends' ...the pretense / fickleness of it all. At times the seeming lack of honorable people. I don't know how else to explain it ....well, maybe by saying you get to know who you friends are when things get tough. Who truly understands and who doesn't. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but in my experience that can be a reality.

Colleen1 · Oct 14, 2012

rowantree said:
The thing that really gets to me is when people say that I should "move on". To me, grief is a natural feeling and it is a process and we all go through it differently. There is no rule to it. Yet often we are made to feel that there is a rule and we have to conform to it, or we are not normal. That has been my experience anyway.

I think I know what you are saying. I think some personalities or people who aren't so comfortable with emotion like to catergorize / put things in nice neat boxes and feelings aren't like that, especially when it comes to grieving. Just my 2 cents. I do however, feel much safer when I understand but that's different than putting things in boxes...if you know what I mean.

rowantree said:
Just lately, I have been having a hard time grieving not people whom I have lost, but the things that my husband and I can no longer do together - things that we loved and that were an integral part of us. Like walking in the hills, and a host of other things. My husband is disabled now and wheelchair bound and my own health is not good. I think that I held onto the hope that somehow things would improve and we would be able to do some of the things we used to do, again, and at least go for a holiday to the places that we absolutely loved, and that lifted our spirits to heaven. I have come to the realisation this past few weeks that this will now never be. I realise that what I have is memories now, and that in a way, there is no real future for us - only downhill. This has made me so so sad. The grief is sometimes unbearable, and I know that it is something I have to come to terms with.

I think it was C.S. Lewis who said that he had never realised how close to fear, grief is. I agree. Lately I too have been feeling that - terrible fear.

So, grief is so very many things, and for so very many reasons. It helps to share.

Aww, well, I don't know quite what to say other than I feel for you and I can listen. This thread is for fellowship. Yes, there can be a lot of loss when it comes to illness etc. Not fun. I am chronically ill and there has been much loss in my life regarding this issue. I do find that with the grief I'm experiencing now and other times I've grieved that anxiety has come into the picture and it's what tells me I have stuff to process and figure out. I've gotten to know myself and patterns etc. and it helps me understand and know my needs during these times & feel safer ...but it's just not fun.

Colleen1 · Oct 14, 2012

Just thought I'd share one of my all time favourite verses.
I love it because there is no pretense there at all.
It's just plain real.
God bless!

Job 7:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 “Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Pilgrim1951 · Oct 18, 2012

Colleen1, Thanks for this thread. I have had some experience with grief. I guess I am still grieving. At some point in time I would like to share some of it, but right now I just wanted to let you know that this thread is helpful and encouraging.

Colleen1 · Oct 19, 2012

Pilgrim1951 said:
Colleen1, Thanks for this thread. I have had some experience with grief. I guess I am still grieving. At some point in time I would like to share some of it, but right now I just wanted to let you know that this thread is helpful and encouraging.

Aww, I'm very happy you find this helpful. I think it's a topic worth exploring. So many of us have experienced so much loss. I'm glad you joined us here. God bless.

Colleen1 · Oct 24, 2012

Well, things are getting better in the sense that feelings are coming up less and are easier to deal with. Still, at times, feelings are coming up... I know life gets better, I've had to grieve some tough stuff but some types of grief seem to take more time...idk.

Colleen1 · Oct 24, 2012

I hope this link works...
I'm Still Here - YouTube

The many different things we grieve....

Legend

justified by his blood

Legend

Legend

Newbie

Legend

Legend-but then so's Keith Richards

Legend

Newbie

Legend

Legend

Newbie

Newbie

Legend

Legend

Legend

Senior Member

Legend

Legend

Legend

Similar threads

Privacy & Transparency

Privacy & Transparency