- Jul 9, 2018
- 507
- 469
- 31
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Married
When you grow up in a Church, it seems almost like you’re untouchable. It’s almost like you don’t need to have any worries, because you’ve had that relationship with God from basically the beginning. I felt this way all the way up until high school.
I made some really amazing friends that I will never forget, but some of them were people I should have known to just stay away from. They were always good people but wanted to do things like underage drinking and various "experimentation's". When faced with issues like whether or not to try the new drug my friends were trying, I would strongly object and tell them it just wasn’t for me. However, after a while they would say things like “you’re no fun” or “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” It got to the point where I was more scared of losing my friends than sinning against God. I even remember thinking ‘its okay, He’ll forgive me, right?’
We started with Marijuana; it didn’t seem to cause any damage. I kept telling myself “this is how far you’ll go, that’s it,” but that wasn’t true. Next thing I knew we were trying Molly, Ecstasy, Cocaine and even Meth a few times. I didn’t think it could affect anything because we were just kids “having fun” and we weren’t hurting anybody.
I seemed to just keep pushing the line I wouldn’t cross further and further back till I found myself doing things that just made me feel worse and worse about myself. I found my “solace” in boys and drugs and it felt like I couldn’t stop. At this time I finished high school and now was in college and really exposed to the world and all the bad parts my friends wanted to experience, and I just went along for the ride.
I started to let my grades slip till I just eventually dropped out and it started effecting my involvement in church. I started missing a day here and there till all at once I started missing week after week.
Things started getting to a point where I just wasn’t feeling good about myself or anything anymore. When I would go to Church, I would leave feeling so guilty and ashamed because it seemed like EVERY Sunday was a sermon directed right at me and what I was doing. I knew I had to fix things. This wasn’t who I was when I first followed Jesus.
So, I told my friends that I didn’t want to do any of that stuff anymore and they seemed to just disappear from my side. I felt abandoned by people I truly thought were like family. It pushed me into a pretty deep depression and I just found myself “going through the motions” on the day to day. I started to feel angry because I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way and going through this when I took the stand and said no more. I expected things to just magically turn around and just start back right from where I left off. But that isn’t how it works.
It took a really long time for me to finally accept that I was the one being selfish. There were things I wanted to happen, like I wanted to stop the lifestyle but keep the friends, or I wanted to jump right back into working in the Church as if I never left. I didn’t want to have to just sit there and wait for things to get back on track.
I remember going to Church one Sunday and feeling just so sorry for myself and like the world was out to get me. I went just to say I did and so my parents would leave me alone about it. I wasn’t really expecting to get anything out of it, but then the worship music started. First, we did a couple up beat songs, like usual, and then they started playing “Restore to Me”. I couldn’t help but listen to the words as I sang them.
"Hide your face from my sins
And cover my iniquities
Create in me a clean heart
And renew a right spirit
Within me
Don't cast me away from your presence
Don't take your spirit from me
Chorus
Restore to me
The joy of your salvation
Restore to me
The wonders of your love"
I felt my heart just melting at the sound of these words. They were so perfect to me because I just thought of David and how broken and bare he must have been in this moment. At this point, he has already been King for a while and given the gravity of his adultery and murder, he has fallen away from God to his lowest point. He knows everything wrong he has done in his life and fears the Holy Spirit has been removed from him. So, with all the pain in his heart and his desperate need to be right again, he goes before God completely vulnerable and open.
I felt like God put this song in the service just for me. I didn’t feel angry or hurt anymore. It wasn’t about what I did in the past; it wasn’t about my misdirected anger and feelings of betrayal and depression. It was about just wanting to feel God in me again. Nothing in the world mattered anymore. I felt such a huge weight come off of me. I knew I just needed to give everything back to Him and stop focusing on me. I felt so overwhelmed when the second verse started.
“Deliver me from this hour of darkness
And from the pain and the brokenness
And I will sing of your loving kindness
And of your righteousness”
I broke down in tears. This is exactly how I had been feeling this whole time, and just wasn’t at the point of surrender to allow my heart to see it. I was too busy being angry and hurt over things I chose to do on my own to realize that God had already moved past that. He wasn’t focused on everything wrong I had done up until now, He was just waiting for me to come back to Him so that He could show me the love I had been blindly looking for this whole time.
Once I gave up all of these unnecessary emotions, my life felt like it could truly start to get back on track. I reconnected with an old relationship and although it wasn’t easy, I was able to be open and myself with him and he accepted and loved me despite my “baggage” and now I am married to him with a beautiful daughter. I still struggle through the day to day sometimes, but I do not fear the future because I know I have a Great and Powerful Father watching over me with a plan that He designed solely for me so that I can glorify Him.
If I could give any advice, it would be to just stand your ground before you are too far gone. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. You are the only one who can decide whether you stand apart from the world and its temptations, or fall for everything that is presented to you. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me, but I made a choice to not be defined by my sin but overcome it.
If you are already going through things like this, just know that it isn’t the end for you. God hasn’t left you alone; He has been there the whole time with His arms wide open just waiting for you to fall back into them. Trust Him, and He will fill in the rest. He already promised
I apologize for the long post, but this is my story. I hope it is able to reach out to someone just like me, and help them see the light at the end of the LONG tunnel
God Bless!
I made some really amazing friends that I will never forget, but some of them were people I should have known to just stay away from. They were always good people but wanted to do things like underage drinking and various "experimentation's". When faced with issues like whether or not to try the new drug my friends were trying, I would strongly object and tell them it just wasn’t for me. However, after a while they would say things like “you’re no fun” or “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” It got to the point where I was more scared of losing my friends than sinning against God. I even remember thinking ‘its okay, He’ll forgive me, right?’
We started with Marijuana; it didn’t seem to cause any damage. I kept telling myself “this is how far you’ll go, that’s it,” but that wasn’t true. Next thing I knew we were trying Molly, Ecstasy, Cocaine and even Meth a few times. I didn’t think it could affect anything because we were just kids “having fun” and we weren’t hurting anybody.
I seemed to just keep pushing the line I wouldn’t cross further and further back till I found myself doing things that just made me feel worse and worse about myself. I found my “solace” in boys and drugs and it felt like I couldn’t stop. At this time I finished high school and now was in college and really exposed to the world and all the bad parts my friends wanted to experience, and I just went along for the ride.
I started to let my grades slip till I just eventually dropped out and it started effecting my involvement in church. I started missing a day here and there till all at once I started missing week after week.
Things started getting to a point where I just wasn’t feeling good about myself or anything anymore. When I would go to Church, I would leave feeling so guilty and ashamed because it seemed like EVERY Sunday was a sermon directed right at me and what I was doing. I knew I had to fix things. This wasn’t who I was when I first followed Jesus.
So, I told my friends that I didn’t want to do any of that stuff anymore and they seemed to just disappear from my side. I felt abandoned by people I truly thought were like family. It pushed me into a pretty deep depression and I just found myself “going through the motions” on the day to day. I started to feel angry because I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way and going through this when I took the stand and said no more. I expected things to just magically turn around and just start back right from where I left off. But that isn’t how it works.
It took a really long time for me to finally accept that I was the one being selfish. There were things I wanted to happen, like I wanted to stop the lifestyle but keep the friends, or I wanted to jump right back into working in the Church as if I never left. I didn’t want to have to just sit there and wait for things to get back on track.
I remember going to Church one Sunday and feeling just so sorry for myself and like the world was out to get me. I went just to say I did and so my parents would leave me alone about it. I wasn’t really expecting to get anything out of it, but then the worship music started. First, we did a couple up beat songs, like usual, and then they started playing “Restore to Me”. I couldn’t help but listen to the words as I sang them.
"Hide your face from my sins
And cover my iniquities
Create in me a clean heart
And renew a right spirit
Within me
Don't cast me away from your presence
Don't take your spirit from me
Chorus
Restore to me
The joy of your salvation
Restore to me
The wonders of your love"
I felt my heart just melting at the sound of these words. They were so perfect to me because I just thought of David and how broken and bare he must have been in this moment. At this point, he has already been King for a while and given the gravity of his adultery and murder, he has fallen away from God to his lowest point. He knows everything wrong he has done in his life and fears the Holy Spirit has been removed from him. So, with all the pain in his heart and his desperate need to be right again, he goes before God completely vulnerable and open.
I felt like God put this song in the service just for me. I didn’t feel angry or hurt anymore. It wasn’t about what I did in the past; it wasn’t about my misdirected anger and feelings of betrayal and depression. It was about just wanting to feel God in me again. Nothing in the world mattered anymore. I felt such a huge weight come off of me. I knew I just needed to give everything back to Him and stop focusing on me. I felt so overwhelmed when the second verse started.
“Deliver me from this hour of darkness
And from the pain and the brokenness
And I will sing of your loving kindness
And of your righteousness”
I broke down in tears. This is exactly how I had been feeling this whole time, and just wasn’t at the point of surrender to allow my heart to see it. I was too busy being angry and hurt over things I chose to do on my own to realize that God had already moved past that. He wasn’t focused on everything wrong I had done up until now, He was just waiting for me to come back to Him so that He could show me the love I had been blindly looking for this whole time.
Once I gave up all of these unnecessary emotions, my life felt like it could truly start to get back on track. I reconnected with an old relationship and although it wasn’t easy, I was able to be open and myself with him and he accepted and loved me despite my “baggage” and now I am married to him with a beautiful daughter. I still struggle through the day to day sometimes, but I do not fear the future because I know I have a Great and Powerful Father watching over me with a plan that He designed solely for me so that I can glorify Him.
If I could give any advice, it would be to just stand your ground before you are too far gone. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. You are the only one who can decide whether you stand apart from the world and its temptations, or fall for everything that is presented to you. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me, but I made a choice to not be defined by my sin but overcome it.
If you are already going through things like this, just know that it isn’t the end for you. God hasn’t left you alone; He has been there the whole time with His arms wide open just waiting for you to fall back into them. Trust Him, and He will fill in the rest. He already promised
I apologize for the long post, but this is my story. I hope it is able to reach out to someone just like me, and help them see the light at the end of the LONG tunnel
God Bless!