The ivy league study

[bluegreysky]

A couple of major universities were doing a study recently and came out with an article that those who are married but don't have children are happier.
My husband read it first, actually a couple of months before the wedding, when people had started to ask us about our plans...
So that's what he said to me, straight up one day. I was like "Yeah, I dunno if I want kids or not" and he said "A study proved that childfree married couples were happier"...lol he thought he won that "argument" with science. (we weren't really arguing though, FYI)

Then two days ago, he wanted to take a deeper look at that concept again and so we googled about it and now there's been like 3 major articles published to further clarify that study.
Turns out they didn't mean the people were happier with their quality of life, it meant specifically just happier in their marriage.
Because most of the wives in the study were all about their kids and most of the husbands were all about their wives. So someone kind of felt like they were on a one-way street I guess.
The ones without the babies might have felt like something was amiss, but the spouses felt happier because their significant other could exchange lots of attention back and forth without any interferance.

They told us in premarital counseling that God intended it to be God #1, Spouse #2, children #3 so my guess is most of these people who were not as happy because the wife was all about the kids weren't folllowing that guideline.

What do you think?

I know lots of couples our age who have children and they know how to balance marriage with babies and they seem to be perfectly happy, but they do complain about how demanding it all is.

 

[snoochface]

I think anything that adds stress to a marriage is going to make the marriage harder to balance - that part is just common sense. The stress could be kids, long work hours, lack of money, in-laws, just anything. So, to me, having one less source of stress is a blessing. I am not familiar with the studies, but they just seem to make sense to me.

 

[FishermanDoug]

Interesting.

 

[Verve]

Raising kids just seems so stressful and tiring I can't see myself going that direction intentionally.

It's a personal thing. Some people are called to it and others don't feel so called to it.

If it's the right path for you, you'll be happier whichever choice you make.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I've noticed that the couples who don't have kids generally seem less stressed and seem to be more affectionate with each other.

I don't think one is worse than the other. God calls us all differently.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I think sometimes the "need" to have children disrupts the logical part of our brains that normally says "Having children will make life harder!". And it also depends on the situation. If one parents has a REALLY good job. The other doesn't mind staying home. If they don't do much...etc... then it probably adds little stress for them.

But if one of you is disabled. Or if one of you doesn't make alot. Or if one of you has a complicated life... then kids may be adding much needed stress. I find all to often with christians that they assume things will be fine and God will provide, so therefor they just start having kids. And while we are to have faith in God, God still says in the bible we are to use our brains.

For example, if I approach a cliff and theres water at the bottom to jump into. I don't say "Well God, I have faith you will protect me if the water is shallow!", then go jump. You use your logic and realize jumping of the cliff is not a good idea. Same goes for children. Once you have them and maybe you realize you are in over your head, you can't undo having them. To many have them and regret it later. Sure, they admit there are moments where kids bring them joy. But the price of having that joy they find overwhelming.

I may be mistaken but I recall some stats saying most people that divorce have kids. While the kids likely are not the reason for divorce, it does show children add stress.

 

[FishermanDoug]

For example, if I approach a cliff and theres water at the bottom to jump into. I don't say "Well God, I have faith you will protect me if the water is shallow!", then go jump. You use your logic and realize jumping of the cliff is not a good idea. Same goes for children. Once you have them and maybe you realize you are in over your head, you can't undo having them. To many have them and regret it later. Sure, they admit there are moments where kids bring them joy. But the price of having that joy they find overwhelming.

This reminds me of a few years ago when some young woman I was acquainted with fought me on the baby issue saying that I needed to submit my will to God, and that basically its God's will everyone produced; paraphrased of course. So I was like...okay...so God gave me a free will, so that I can take that free will and give it back to God and therefore end up with no free will...like God just Indian-gave me my free will...I see total logic in that

I think believers tend to over-spiritualize things, especially on issues such as family planning....and I will even go as far as to say it starts in the church since that is a huge base of influence for believers. And I say that because I just left a church not too long ago that was basically a CrossFit club. Like the 30-something pastor who was obsessed with himself and his looks had his church crew who all did CrossFit influence almost the entire church to do CrossFit...and basically you felt like you didn't belong unless you did CrossFit...so dumb, and quite frankly cult-like.

As a believer I just want my choice and the respect of such choice to not bring children into this world, as I respect the choices of those who do, and not become bastardized for it.


On a related note, I need prayer for my girlfriend's family. Her father is lashing out and acting very hateful towards her little brother who was fostered. He is 10 years old and has behavioral issues from being a drug abuse baby. I think her dad feels a lot of regret and frustration for fostering him, but he needs to man up and face the music and love that kid. Its horrible because of how much of church-goers they are, but at home its a different world.