Oh, dear sweet ral,
, I empathize with you. It may seem strange calling you sweet after I just heard about all that crabbing you do, but you are! I've read too many of your posts to convince me otherwise.
As a stay-at-home mom myself I can relate to some of the same things, only I was miserable in the workplace! I married with a young son, and all I wanted after we married was to be the best wife, the best mother, the best housekeeper, the best employee, and of course pleasing to God in every way. I had such high demands that there weren't enough hours in a day to do it all the way I wanted to. So I was miserable and felt like I was failing God, failing my husband, and everything else. Not only that, but I found my husband had flaws, lol, things I couldn't see before we married. He no longer treated me as his desire, his princess, his sought-after one. I was pretty much taken for granted and.....well, crushed. It was hard! Long story short, through prayer, and unexplained surprises, becoming pg, I left my job 1 week before my daughter was born, something both my husband and I thought best. We both wanted me to be the one to raise her, rather than pay someone else to while I worked. So I came home, happier than ever.
Even with a newborn, I found I had more time with the Lord, able to keep the house better, and all that. The big thing was more time with the Lord. He's the love of my life, and if I don't have time with Him, I'm done for. Previously, I did make time. He's always been first, but it wasn't enough. Well, we got that straightened out.
Next, 3 mos. later, I began homeschooling my son again, 4th grade at the time. I was so glad to have him home too, for he's my sweetie, but it presented more challenges. It was hard, and I was crabby.
He was a hard one to teach, boys generally are, and often both us were on the verge of tears at the end of the day. Over time, with prayer, and listening to teaching myself, I learned how to handle things better and better little by little. What I knew in my heart, and the Lord kept reminding me, was the value of being home with my children. God's value system is different than that of the world. All that matters is at the end will I find I did His will or mine?
Not every mother is called to stay home, in my opinion. Probably most are. Maybe all. All I know is that no one can say a woman
must. Ral, take a deep breath, and slow down, and wait on the Lord. Stay before Him in prayer. I mean, daily look to Him for the answer till it comes. Don't get in a rush. Be patient with yourself, and with the children. If you lose your temper, ask them to forgive you, making sure they understand their wrong doing is not excused. I can't presume to say what the Lord has for you to do in the earth, but I can pray, and be your friend through this. Maybe it is something you can do in a few years. If so, this part of the journey is just as important. Remember, those children have no other mother than you. That is a pretty high calling! No one can fill your shoes! Yet, I know women with children that do great things, super moms. A friend at church has 6 children, nearly all grown now, whom she homeschooled all the way through school, she teaches piano and guitar, she is a muscian on our praise team, and writes anointed songs, sometimes leads worship, leads mission teams on foreign soil, her children teach the Word of God, one teaches ballet too, and the list goes on!
Me? I homeschool my youngest, love my husband, totally adore him now, and thankfully he has come a long way too, keep my house, cook all things from scratch including making my own herbal tea blends, write a little, do all the bookkeeping in the home, keep an eye out for my 84 yr.old mother, spend hours, maybe too many at times, loving people in any way I can on CF, and sing on our praise team.
I use to play my guitar and write songs. I use to earn money. Do I feel worthless? Do I feel less than my friend from church? I could. But I'm not her. She's not me. And God has a specific calling for all of us.