The Girlfriend

[Jenna]

Hi there. I wanted to talk to everybody about something that is very sensitive for me. My parents are recently divorced, due to my father's infidelity. The long and short is that I came home early from a trip and found him in my apartment, with a naked woman. So, I'm as 'in the middle' as it can get, or so it seems.

It is all said and done now, and my father's fling decided that she couldn't handle the awkwardness of the situation, so she broke things off with him. He is seeing another woman now, whom I have not met. They have been dating for months, since before my parents' divorce was finalized. Anywho, I am feeling torn about having a relationship with my father, and including his girlfriend.

When my dad screwed up, I challenged him to be a better person. Instead of doing so, he quite honestly stopped coming around or returning my phone calls. So, I stopped calling. Now, because of family functions, we have been thrown in together. He now says things like how much he missed me, and I am hard pressed to bite my tongue. I doubt his sincerity completely, since he was the one who abandoned me. He moved and didn't tell me where, had his number changed and didn't give it to me. He would go out and do things with my sister, and never bothered to get in touch with me. He is making a moderate effort now, and I am having a hard time knowing what to do about it. I'm trying not to put myself out there too much, basically because I believe that I mean so little to him that he'll 'forget' me the next time that it is convenient to do so.

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and it has brought up some interesting things. My dad is actually coming to my party, which is a surprise. I ran across him today while we were driving, and he was parking in front of his girlfriend's house. He started to talk about her, and always referred to her as 'she'. I made a laughing comment about it, and how I wouldn't know what her situation is since 'she' and I had never been introduced. He said that he didn't think that I wanted to know her. To be honest, I really don't. Does that sound mean? She willingly was involved with a married man, before my mom ever filed for divorce. That just says 'scuz' to me. Still, she is obviously in my dad's life, and he doesn't talk as though she is on her way out. So, what do I do about that? Do I ask to meet her and let him know that it is ok for her to be at functions where I am?

I'm loathe to even think of how my mom would take it if she ever found out that my dad's girlfriend and I were on speaking terms, let alone friendly at all. I don't want to hurt my mom any more than she is, and I know that it would. It isn't that she would restrict me in any way, but that she still loves my dad and is barely surviving with the massive amounts of hurt. I'm afraid that she might view me as a 'traitor' of sorts if I didn't hate my dad's girlfriend. Now, it isn't in me to hate anyone, and this is hard since I don't like what I know of the woman as it is. It just seems that I'm in a position to either accept the girlfriend, or be shut out by my dad. I should be strong enough to be able to deal with being ignored and shut out by him. Lord knows this isn't a recent development. I should be fine with just writing him off as a shmuck since he has chosen to ignore me. I actually get mad at myself for wanting to forgive him, especially since he isn't repentant. He acts as though he hasn't done anything wrong. This is all such a new and intimidating situation that I don't know how to handle it.

 

[E-beth]

Well, you can be civil to the g/f without accepting their relationship. Same for Dad. And one reason he probably avoids you is because you caught him in the act and when he sees you he feels guilty.

I wouldn't invite Dad's g/f to functions where Mom would be there also. That would make it less enjoyable for her. Dad should either come alone or not come at all. he made his choices, and he has to live with them. You don't have to make it easy for him or act like you agree with his relationship.

 

[cjba]

All you can do is be there for your dad. This is his life and he is the one to live with his decisions. You are his daughter and he does need you. He most likely needed time to overcome the embarrasement of what took place at the apartment. I know exactly how you feel about being a traitor to your mom. Mom should not make you feel this way. She needs to accept that this is the only father you have. As for the girlfriend I agree with E-beth; all you need to do is be civil. I know this is hard for you in regards to your dad's girlfriend. However, don't take it out on her, she is not the one that caused the divorce. She came into the picture afterward. Make sure you discuss with your dad the feelings you have and the hurt you are feeling. I pray that mom won't make you feel guilty of having a relationship with your father. I grew up with divorced parents and at one point I decided to move in with my father. I am now a grown woman with a marriage and children of my own. Yet, every now and then my mother will still bring it up that I broke her heart. I told her that I am sorry for what my father did. But this was not my doing and he is the only father I will ever have. Do I have resentment for my father causing the marriage to fail -- of course. Can I change things -- no. The only thing I can do is love both my parents for being mom and dad. Parents are human and they do make mistakes. Let mom know ahead of time that you do not want to hurt her in any way. But you do not want to lose your relationship with your father.

 

[jante]

 

[jante]

HI
I understand how you feel. I was 17 when my Dad left my mum myself and 2 sisters. It was 5 years before I felt able to be in the same room with him and even at that stage it was without his girlfiend who I always struggled to accept.He actually made no attempt to see me. However before I got married I forgave my father, spent time with him at my grandmothers home and he gave me away at my wedding. One of my favourite photos is of him holdin my baby. He died not long afterwards. I am very glad that I had made peace with him before he died.
Fast forward 20 years and my husband walked out on me after having an affair. I had tried for 6 motnhs after finding about his affairs to save my marriage. One thing I vowed at that time I would make sure my three boys maintained their relationship with their dad- so even when they haven't wanted to visit him I've sent them. I have had to accept that has meant them meeting his new girlfriend.
My point- if you want a relationship with your father go for it, forgive him and spend time with him. However if having him at events withyour mum will hurt her ten decide whether you want to invite him as well.

Romans 12
18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.


Jante

 

[Jenna]

You know, maybe that is some of my problem. I don't know if I want to have a relationship with my father. I love him, but it is not a situation that is very edifying for me. My father is not Christian, and he makes it an area of contention between us. Instead of being repentant of his behavior, he acts as though I am in the wrong for not automatically just accepting it. I'd like to have peace with my father, but I don't trust that what he really wants is a relationship with me. He is lonely right now, and when no one else is available, he'll stop by for a minute. Other than that, he is very evasive and hasn't wanted to spend much of anything in the way of quality time with me. As soon as someone else is available, he is out the door. So, I'm having a difficult time with feeling used, and just for as long as it takes for him to come up with alternative company. So, I'm torn between feeling as though I am putting myself in potentially hurtful situation, and feeling as though it is unfair for me to shut myself off from him. I love my dad, and I wish that I could be a good friend to him. However, he has no use for a devout Christian daughter. He'd rather hang out with people who are more on his level. Oh, and while the words are mine, the thought was his. I just found a more polite way to put it.


As it stands, there is no chance of my parents running into each other. My dad fought real nasty during the divorce proceedings, and my mother wasn't able to stay here. She couldn't afford to feed herself, so she moved in with her parents in another state. Besides, I would never put her in a position be be hurt any further by my father. To be honest, I'm surprised that she is here. She was so out of it that she nearly had a stroke from uncontrolled blood pressure due to her grief, and the fact that we were all worried to sickness that she was going to end her life. I would never put her in a situation where she had to see what my dad tossed her aside for.

I don't want to hurt my mom, but moreover, I don't want anyone to get the idea that I approve of my father's relationship. I don't blame this GF for what happened between my parents, but I do find it disgusting that she dated and had sex with a married man. Now she is living in sin with my father, and I don't want to do anything that even remotely resembles putting a stamp of approval on something that bothers me so deeply. I'm not saying that I would be rude or mean to this woman. That's not the kind of person that I am. However, I don't honestly know if I even want to meet her, which would put my dad in a position to have to choose where he'd like to best spend his time and attentions. I know full well by now how that would come out by now. Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time by far that my dad has seen it as more beneficial to forget I exist.

This is the man that railed at me about how you only have sex with someone that you love, inside of marriage. This is the man who said that honor and integrity defines a person. This is the man who said that family comes before all others. And this is the man who looks like a vile liar in my eyes. I'm sure you can understand how this is an assault on my senses in so many ways. I want my dad in my life, but I don't want this shell of the man that he used to be. All he does is challenge me to throw away my beliefs because they are inconvenient for him. I want my daddy back. But, I don't see that happening.

 

[cjba]

You need to talk this over with your father. Deep down what you want is a close relationship with your father. This is still possible even with the current situation. Even though he is not a Christian and your beliefs are inconvenient for him he is still your father and you his daughter. It is not your place to judge him for his lifestyle. You are not required to approve of his choices. Your father will need to come to terms with his decisions in his life time. As Christians many family members make our faith a direct offense to them. Live in your faith and you will be the example. If you decide to pull back on the relationship you are deciding to have a harden heart. I don't believe this is what you want for yourself. You need to forgive your father for the hurt he has caused. I'm not saying you are going to forget what he has done to your family. If you choose to be the one to hold back you are only going to hurt yourself. You are the one longing for the closeness and this is something you deserve to have. Let dad know that you need time with him and not with the "girlfriend" at this time. You need to do some healing in the relationship with your dad first.

 

[pboop]

Your relationship with you dad is important. Hopefully he'll understand that its too hard for you to have a 'friendship' w/ the girlfriend right now. You said she did this before...the married man thing if she is that type it may not be too long before she moves on to her next victim.

 

[Crystal~Rose]

When my mom left my dad for another man I was utterly devastated. I was there to pick up the pieces she left behind. having been the victum of affair in my first marriage my dad turned to me for support. I completely understand feeling like a traitor if you are friendly with this woman. the bottom line is it is up to you if you want her around or not, noone can make that decision for you. For myself and my sanity I wrote my mother a letter explaining how I felt and what can and can not be expected of me. I personally had no desire to ever meet or know him and she had to acccept that. I drew the line and it was never crossed. No where does it say I have to accept the unacceptable. To me this is unacceptable. Our relationship did change, I lost my best friend in the process yet never did I regret standing for what is right, and not causing my father anymore pain than he was already going through. just my thoughts. praying for God to reveal his will to you.

 

[novi12]

Dear jemma first of all I agree with cjba in what she says...... Let me tell you one thing the person who marries diff religion does not have God's Bless. And thats where marriage problems start and even the parents sins the children have to bear. What religion your dad is may I know? I would like to tell you to forgive your dad and just pray for him. You can talk to your dad like how u were .. and try to convert hhim to christian religion by discusing About Jesus as a daughter can do miracles through Jesus. Tell your dad that the Lord does not approve of the relation your having as its a sin. The devil who likes to see the couples seperated is working. SO pray for your dad and his GF and forgive them. Thats will be your blessing . You don't have to worry Jemma if you belive Jesus. Surrender urself to him. reconcile and humble urself by forgivness. And when you have done this you will find Jesus guiding u all the time.
Lord Jesus guide my sister Jemma in taking the right decesion towards her dad. Cover her dad with your precious Blood and bring him closer to u. Take away the satan from him and put in his gf mind to leave Jamma dad. Bless them lord I ask this through Christ our Lord Amen