The first half of the first step.

[Red A.]

First a good look at this disease and the approach made with alcoholics anonymous. The first step of AA; We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

Now I break this step down into two sections first being; "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" This step breaks down once again into two more categories on page 44 of the Big Book."
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." This is loss of choice and control.

First I'll tackle control. This is what Dr.Silkworth is referring to in the doctors opinion when he mentions the allergic reaction. Once I take that first drink I have no idea when or where that run is going to end. It may well end waking up in my own bed, car where it's supposed to be, no harm no foul. The problem is that as the disease progressed This became a less frequent occurrence. I began drinking insane amounts of alcohol, waking up in the wrong place, blacking out for days at a time, getting "whiskey bumps" on my cars, just in general paying a higher and higher price. This was happening without my permission.

I will relay one specific event. I had a date. A beautiful girl had agreed to go out with me and I was smitten. She was hot. I put forth a distinct effort to impress her. I found an upscale restaurant. I called ahead and made sure the prices were more than the standard dennys prices. It was classy. It had a full bar, all art-deco complete with a bartender wearing a bow tie and cumber bun, serving martinis and drinks with umbrellas. Lets face it, I wanted to impress the pants off this girl and was doing the best I could muster. I was looking to get my hedge clipped here, ya know?

I was to meet her there for dinner. I arrived and at once there was a call for me. It was my date, she had to work late and was going to be an hour late. Ok. I have no problem with that at all. I decided to go over to the bar and just have a beer while I waited. This was a good night. I had no problem with her being late. If I was lucky it was going to be a great night. Just a beer. By the time she got there I was [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] faced. Stupid drunk. Now there was no reason for me to be drunk, I didn't want or plan to be drunk, the worst thing I could do was to be drunk, but there I was stupid flipping drunk. Why? It wasn't a bad day, I wasn't drunk because my daddy was an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I wasn't drunk because on anything at all except I had taken that first drink and having this disease I was off to the races.

That's what the allergic reaction does to us. One drink sets up the craving for the next. I gave my drinking no thought at all until she walked in and I knew I had screwed up. We cannot master it anymore than we can master poison ivy.

Next up is choice. If I can't control it I need to stay out of it right? That sounds nice in theory but by the time my drinking had become a problem quitting wasn't a viable option.You see this disease doesn't start way out there in crazy land with the blackouts and lies and violence, it starts way before that, defined by Dr.Silkworth as a feeling of "restless, irritable and discontent". In short I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. It's just a small feeling at the start. I just don't feel I fit in anywhere. I always feel I am on the outside looking in. One day however, I took a drink or three and suddenly it was magic. It was as if all the bad drained out of me. I could feel the blessed juice flowing through my veins. I fit. I could come out and play. I could sing. I could dance. I could walk across the bar and talk to the prettiest girl in the place. I felt a part of. I had found the medicine that fixed me.

There was a problem though. This drinking began to bring problems. Not big ones, not at first. Maybe a little puking. Maybe a fight that I wouldn't have gotten into otherwise. Small stuff that began to complicate my life. Well, alcohol made the inner bad go away, and yes it made the outer bad stuff go away too. Along with this, there began a subtle shift. The amount of alcohol I needed to drink in order to get to that "sweet spot" became larger and larger. Also the restless irritable and discontent became larger and larger until it was a white noise in my head driving me mad at times. Conversely the "sweet spot" became smaller and smaller, until at the end I was paying a horrific price in order to just get to zero, to the black out. I wasn't drinking to feel good anymore, to have a good time. I just wanted to black it all out and go away.

By the end the only thing in my life that I could count on was alcohol. It had betrayed me but I still loved it, I needed it. It was the only thing that had ever made the bad go away and damn there was a lot of bad in my life.

People would point out that the drinking was killing me. Hell any fool could see that, the problem was that all the stuff in my head was killing me faster. I would do anything but just don't ask me to give up the drink. Loneliness? unemployment? Homelessness? I can take that, just don't take my drink.

 

[If Not For Grace]

did you ever notice the word WERE in step one as opposed to ARE.

You make great points on Choice & Control, giving up choice is always the worst decision any of us can make-that gives our power over to anyone/thing then we just float along the river of substance which always ends a a BIG waterfall.


BUT IF I'm POWERLESS, then--I'm also FREE, just like the weather-poweless over it, right? But I can as you say learn to "stay out of it". That's the first step in regaining my choice. I need help, yes, that brings us to "who can I get to help me?" Now we start looking at Step 2, in order to help us w/Step one..

For me that's the way the steps work-all integerated like a beautiful rose bush in bloom. Step 6 leads me back to step 3-Trust-goes back to two in whom-Step 2,

Today I surrender to win (Choice), so powerlessness is also a form of victory, which I get to celebrate due to relying more on my higher power & through Step 11 (my part). I chose to hand my power over only to a power greater than myself, who can keep me sane. I no longer feel insane, I make better choices & I Love Life, cause I'm busy living it, not letting it happen to me.

Love your post,
Grace

 

[Red A.]

did you ever notice the word WERE in step one as opposed to ARE.

Good catch. For most people the word "Were" spends a lot of time as a throw away word in the first step. One problem is that this is an issue that doesn't get enough coverage in AA literature. That is that the first and third steps both make a drastic change in substance and understanding as we engage this process of recovery.

I wrote the above as the expeirence of a person first entering the AA program. For this person the chioce before them seems to be to drink or not. Attempting to fix the problem from this perspective leads to dead end after dead end. As we embrace this program, and mould our life into one more in harmony with Gods will, suddenly the drink problem is removed. It is not a choice of whether to drink or not but as the big book puts it;

"and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. "

I can work together with God to make my life a place that is liveable without alcohol or I can deny Gods help and motor on to the bitter end hoping against hope that the end will come soon enough.

 

[If Not For Grace]

to accept spiritual help

You know I had/have sponsor(s) who taught me THE most important grade was Kindergarten. BEFORE step one comes The serenity Prayer-Kindergarten!

God; grant me the serenity (stop)--Part one as you say-We 1st have to choose to

ASK then.. accept help.

Your post is SO relevant-& I agree in Al-Anon the focus is on Stopping (the illusion of) Controling-but we also need to place emphasis on what we CAN do-(change the things WE can).

We need to do our part and "let" God do God's part-if we ever get that we come
into the great realm of Victory, and those spiritual awakenings that the program
promises. Little by little-two alternatives as you say. It all boils down to that:
stay where you are and digress or change and progress.