The Enigma of Silence

[Messerve]

I know someone who sometimes answers my comments or questions with silence and it confuses me as to how to interpret it. Maybe some of you could give some insight?

1. One day I asked this person if he would like to own the company he worked for someday and he just looked at me and said nothing. In that case, I knew that was a very strong "No!".

2. Another day we were talking about pregnancy and he said he knew how to tell if a woman was pregnant early on and I was curious how he could tell (I think I know now, but at the time I was clueless). Instead of answering me, he just stared straight ahead and said nothing. Hmmm... Was it too awkward to talk about? Just before, we had been talking about something very personal in relation to changes in a pregnant woman's body, so I'm not sure how this would have been worse?

3. Another time I acted as a chauffeur because his car was broken down and he had somewhere he had to go. He knew his wife would be angry at him because we were getting back later than he had told her, so I made a joke and said he could stay at my place to avoid her wrath and I'd drive him to work in the morning. I said it as laughingly as I could. Again, silence... Not even a chuckle. Was I being awkward again?

I hate making people uncomfortable. So if that is likely the reason, I will just avoid talking about pregnancy and sleep-overs I guess.

What are your thoughts?

 

[JustRachel]

I have encountered folks that react to things in a way that seems odd to me. He may be one of these. In that case you just have to realize that's the way he is and not worry about it. If you are bold, you could question him tactfully/gently at some point when his reaction seems like you may have said something wrong.

 

[Messerve]

I have encountered folks that react to things in a way that seems odd to me. He may be one of these. In that case you just have to realize that's the way he is and not worry about it. If you are bold, you could question him tactfully/gently at some point when his reaction seems like you may have said something wrong.

Yeah I guess I should tactfully ask next time it happens. Maybe there's actually something troubling him that he doesn't know how to express... Or maybe I'm just overthinking it a ton.

 

[Yennora]

Thank you for making a thread on this. Even though I have an aim to reduce my interactions on CF now; Some threads really get me.

I do the same reaction sometimes.. Silence. Why? Here are some possible scenarios I try to maintain silence in:

• The statement said was against my beliefs and standards and a reply from me can lead to a heated debate with someone I value.
  
  
• When I cannot express my feelings in words and don't want to say words that are not exactly what I feel. I value what I feel a lot and I love to express it accordingly.
  
  
• When it involves talking about someone else either by joking or in a negative way or by exclamation of their actions when they are absent. (except if it is an oppression, i.e: university lecturer abusing the staff code of conduct against us)
  
  
• When I disagree or when I don't see relevance in what has been said or when I'm not too knowledgeable on the topic and don't want to mislead or give false weak answers.
  
  
• When my brain is taken away in overthinking. Sometimes I'm a bit detached and it is better for me not to interact with others because I wouldn't be able to keep up with them.
  
  
• When I don't want to talk about something I have but others don't. (It might lead to bragging/boasting or making the other person feel unlucky because they don't have what I have so I reduce my input)

• When I sense that my answer could lead to more questions I don't want. (I.e: private questions, cornering questions) Sometimes I answer cornering questions though, even if it bothers me. For transparency's sake.

Note that in all of those points I stated there are some exceptional circumstances where I might act differently.. usually moral dilemmas or such.

I also equip silence with another tactic called "subject changing". And if the other person persists, I might start avoiding them on the long run since they didn't respect my comfort zone. Depends on the person's place in my heart though.

 

[Akita Suggagaki]

I think if someone asks a direct question and the other person does not answer it is simply rude. It may take a few seconds to think but you can tell when someone needs time to think. Buy no answer is tantamount to ignoring.

 

[Yennora]

I agree with @Akita Suggagaki as well, I forgot to mention this in my reply but yes. Silence is not always the answer because sometimes it can be rude. I think silence to a direct question is very toxic to the other person, at least a "I don't know" or "I'm not sure at the moment" or "maybe" or "I'm sorry I need some time to think about that".. answers are a better alternative if they don't involve lying in that specific situation.

It all depends though.

 

[bèlla]

I thought of Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid when I read this. I’m uncertain if he struggles to communicate or is indifferent. But I wouldn’t play the role of mind reader.

Does he initiate conversation or are you in the driving seat instead? See how to responds to you when you’re silent.

 

[-Sasha-]

"Learn to love opportunities not to speak, not to contribute, not to influence. Rather than crave conversations in which your voice can be heard, crave instead those opportunities in which your silence may respond to voice, in which you may sacrifice your willful desire for self-involvement on the altar of quiet humility before God and man."
-Bishop Irenei

Maybe he's praying

 

[Resha Caner]

Jesus was silent when interrogated by the Sanhedrin and Pilate.

 

[Akita Suggagaki]

Jesus was silent when interrogated by the Sanhedrin and Pilate.

And that didn't go so well for him. I bet he could have talked his way out of it...or, if he decided he needed to, make it Even Worse.

I think Jesus though, decided tha game is over. He said everything he needed to say. Now everyone else needs to play out their drama.

 

[Messerve]

I thought of Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid when I read this. I’m uncertain if he struggles to communicate or is indifferent. But I wouldn’t play the role of mind reader.

Does he initiate conversation or are you in the driving seat instead? See how to responds to you when you’re silent.

Good point. I never respond with silence and he tends to lead most of our conversations.... I should just try and see how he reacts.

 

[Messerve]

Thank you for making a thread on this. Even though I have an aim to reduce my interactions on CF now; Some threads really get me.

I do the same reaction sometimes.. Silence. Why? Here are some possible scenarios I try to maintain silence in:

• The statement said was against my beliefs and standards and a reply from me can lead to a heated debate with someone I value.
  
  
• When I cannot express my feelings in words and don't want to say words that are not exactly what I feel. I value what I feel a lot and I love to express it accordingly.
  
  
• When it involves talking about someone else either by joking or in a negative way or by exclamation of their actions when they are absent. (except if it is an oppression, i.e: university lecturer abusing the staff code of conduct against us)
  
  
• When I disagree or when I don't see relevance in what has been said or when I'm not too knowledgeable on the topic and don't want to mislead or give false weak answers.
  
  
• When my brain is taken away in overthinking. Sometimes I'm a bit detached and it is better for me not to interact with others because I wouldn't be able to keep up with them.
  
  
• When I don't want to talk about something I have but others don't. (It might lead to bragging/boasting or making the other person feel unlucky because they don't have what I have so I reduce my input)

• When I sense that my answer could lead to more questions I don't want. (I.e: private questions, cornering questions) Sometimes I answer cornering questions though, even if it bothers me. For transparency's sake.

Note that in all of those points I stated there are some exceptional circumstances where I might act differently.. usually moral dilemmas or such.

I also equip silence with another tactic called "subject changing". And if the other person persists, I might start avoiding them on the long run since they didn't respect my comfort zone. Depends on the person's place in my heart though.

1. Perhaps.
2. Fairly possible
3. Not at all
4. Maybe, but I doubt it
5. Could be...
6. Doesn't seem to fit the situations
7. Very possible

I think your last point is the most likely. Perhaps the answers would have him revealing information he doesn't wish to share just yet. A struggling marital relationship, his wife's possessiveness, things like that...

Oh, and he does also change subjects suddenly sometimes - even cutting me off mid-sentence. So, yeah. I think there are things he just doesn't want to talk about for personal reasons.

 

[Messerve]

"Learn to love opportunities not to speak, not to contribute, not to influence. Rather than crave conversations in which your voice can be heard, crave instead those opportunities in which your silence may respond to voice, in which you may sacrifice your willful desire for self-involvement on the altar of quiet humility before God and man."
-Bishop Irenei

Maybe he's praying

I wish.

 

[bèlla]

Good point. I never respond with silence and he tends to lead most of our conversations.... I should just try and see how he reacts.

That may be the issue. He’s silent when you initiate dialogue. But when he does he’s fine.

 

[Messerve]

That may be the issue. He’s silent when you initiate dialogue. But when he does he’s fine.

Well, it isn't silence every time I speak. Just for specific things randomly. I try to ask questions about himself, since that actually is something that gets conversations going (you know how guys are their own favorite subject... ). But then, I don't know... I think he's uncomfortable with getting too transparent with me.

I should say, when he responds with silence I don't say anything either at that moment. And eventually he'll begin talking about something else unrelated.

 

[Yennora]

1. Perhaps.
2. Fairly possible
3. Not at all
4. Maybe, but I doubt it
5. Could be...
6. Doesn't seem to fit the situations
7. Very possible

I think your last point is the most likely. Perhaps the answers would have him revealing information he doesn't wish to share just yet. A struggling marital relationship, his wife's possessiveness, things like that...

Oh, and he does also change subjects suddenly sometimes - even cutting me off mid-sentence. So, yeah. I think there are things he just doesn't want to talk about for personal reasons.

I would give an assumption that it is either 1 of 2:

1. He has an issue of trust. Not necessarily with you, but maybe he is so reserved in nature and doesn't easily take things out. (or he is worried of the consequences of taking things out but fails to communicate it)
   
   
2. He is not really investing in your friendship.

Anyway, since I'm not in your place, I cannot judge it, I'm just giving assumptions but I hope you will find the answer soon.

However, there is something wrong in all of that. So no, his behavior is not fine. The motives behind his behavior should rule whether he is a good friend or not.

 

[Resha Caner]

And that didn't go so well for him. I bet he could have talked his way out of it...or, if he decided he needed to, make it Even Worse.

I think Jesus though, decided tha game is over. He said everything he needed to say. Now everyone else needs to play out their drama.

It went exactly as he intended.

 

[Messerve]

I would give an assumption that it is either 1 of 2:

1. He has an issue of trust. Not necessarily with you, but maybe he is so reserved in nature and doesn't easily take things out. (or he is worried of the consequences of taking things out but fails to communicate it)
   
   
2. He is not really investing in your friendship.

Anyway, since I'm not in your place, I cannot judge it, I'm just giving assumptions but I hope you will find the answer soon.

However, there is something wrong in all of that. So no, his behavior is not fine. The motives behind his behavior should rule whether he is a good friend or not.

You know I've been thinking about this, and my employer often does the same thing when people ask him questions. However, he will silently nod his head or something. So when I have my back turned and someone is talking to him and I don't hear any answer to someone else's question, sometimes I wanted to immediately think "Our boss just completely ignored 'Ryan''s question. How rude!" When in reality, he actually did answer, just with an expression instead of words.

I know for a fact this isn't always the case with the person in this discussion, because I will usually turn my head to look at him when I realize he hasn't said anything and he doesn't give me an expression or look at me either. But that's at least a possibility with some people.

I agree with point # 1. It was a long time until he opened up to me at all and he is still reserved in a lot of ways, though he's way more transparent with me than he used to be. Actually, I think most people have given up on trying to know him because it's such a difficult wall to get beyond. So I'm kind of proud I got to where we are at the moment.

As far as point # 2, he is decently invested in the friendship. While I tend to give gifts and offer help with things, he likes to invite me out to eat once in awhile or share funny videos or photos. I would say he is a good friend... A little bit distant and impersonal sometimes, but overall a very good friend.

I think I'll have to be patient and wait for the next "enigma of silence" to happen, and then try to gently ask if I made him uncomfortable or offended him or something.

 

[Yennora]

You know I've been thinking about this, and my employer often does the same thing when people ask him questions. However, he will silently nod his head or something. So when I have my back turned and someone is talking to him and I don't hear any answer to someone else's question, sometimes I wanted to immediately think "Our boss just completely ignored 'Ryan''s question. How rude!" When in reality, he actually did answer, just with an expression instead of words.

I know for a fact this isn't always the case with the person in this discussion, because I will usually turn my head to look at him when I realize he hasn't said anything and he doesn't give me an expression or look at me either. But that's at least a possibility with some people.

I agree with point # 1. It was a long time until he opened up to me at all and he is still reserved in a lot of ways, though he's way more transparent with me than he used to be. Actually, I think most people have given up on trying to know him because it's such a difficult wall to get beyond. So I'm kind of proud I got to where we are at the moment.

As far as point # 2, he is decently invested in the friendship. While I tend to give gifts and offer help with things, he likes to invite me out to eat once in awhile or share funny videos or photos. I would say he is a good friend... A little bit distant and impersonal sometimes, but overall a very good friend.

I think I'll have to be patient and wait for the next "enigma of silence" to happen, and then try to gently ask if I made him uncomfortable or offended him or something.

Wow I didn't know it took time for him to open up. Well, if that's the case, I think it is point 1 then as you said. Especially that he is sort of rejected by many people. Maybe he suffers overthinking or mood swings and cannot keep up sometimes, maybe he has a lot of worry and insecurities. He still sounds like a good person, just unable to communicate properly.

But since again my judgement is not the best as I never met him, I think as you said, the next "Enigma of Silence" should rule it all out.

 

[Messerve]

Wow I didn't know it took time for him to open up. Well, if that's the case, I think it is point 1 then as you said. Especially that he is sort of rejected by many people. Maybe he suffers overthinking or mood swings and cannot keep up sometimes, maybe he has a lot of worry and insecurities. He still sounds like a good person, just unable to communicate properly.

But since again my judgement is not the best as I never met him, I think as you said, the next "Enigma of Silence" should rule it all out.

Yeah, I'll return to this thread with an update when I have that opportunity. I hoping to see him this Saturday, but it's been a rough summer for him so we'll see.