The arch-nemesis

[bluegreysky]

I know that title sounds childish.
Probably because it is, and I know it.

maybe 5 or 6 years ago, in a different branch of the forum
(maybe singles or advice)
I wrote a long, ranting, bitter tirade about a girl I hate.
I wrote about rediculous things she did that annoyed me.
I wrote about why I thought I was better than her.
It obviously got some nasty feedback.

Present day, I still don't like her.
I haven't liked her since the beginning.
And the beginning was in 2007.
So for 11 years, I've been harboring bitterness against a girl
who I now just refer to as my "arch nemesis"
because it's funny, but it's ironic because she doesn't even know.
It's not even a good title for her.
Arch nemesees are people who try to foil your plans, get in your way,
steal your credit or ruin your life.
She actually never did any of that.
So WHY did I hate her so much?
......I was jealous.

You see, back in 2007, I was in college.
I had arrived in 2005, met someone I fell hard for,
and lost him in 2006.
She arrived in the fall of 2006,
basically a goodie-two shoes christian girl on a mission to get her MRS degree.
She met the love of her life in early 2007... a guy who was average joe on looks
but had good strong christian values and tons of cash.
By mid-2007 they were an item,
by that fall every time I was around her at school, church, small group, etc...
he was all she could talk about.
In early 2008 they got engaged (she was 19!)
and in that summer they were married.
In all of a year-and-a-half lapsed time,
she arrived, met a guy, fell in love, and got married.
She had just turned 20 and still had 2 years of school left,
but she was doin' this thing.
Meanwhile, I was still raw and bitter from losing the guy
I THOUGHT was "the one".
In 2008, as she celebrated her new married life,
I was on a downspiral. I had met a "bad boy"
and been lead down a path of darkness.
I was turning rebel and acting out.
She was getting married and making her whole family proud.

My choices were not her fault.
But the open wounds from my choices were always seemingly
getting burned by her.
Because as much as I tried to look away, she was there
at every turn.
It was a small town, and we had school, church
and several local hangouts in common.
She being in love wasn't what burned me so much as ... her bragging.

Back then, a friend of mine started calling her "the brag brag"
and it stuck.
I started referring to her as that too.
Every time she and her husband did something together,
it was all over facebook.
They were always together in the halls at school,
and getting fawned over by the others at church.
They were the center of a huge clique all obsessed with marriage at the time.
And as much as I should have tuned it all out,
21-year-old me was too immature and too obsessed to do so.
So every triumph for her was a salt or lemon juice in a wound for me.

I finished school, met a guy that I fell for at 21, had him on my arm at church, and then we broke away from that church for awhile.
He was a gorgeous guy, 22 years old, recently released from the military.
He had PTSD. I loved him anyway, but loving someone with PTSD meant
a never ending roller coaster for a relationship.
I blocked her out somewhat, but would still see her around
with her happy marriage and her happy married friends
and salt was still going in my wounds.
My boyfriend wanted to get married, but couldn't make up his mind.
We were too young, too unstable.

We broke up for 8 months in 2012.
During that time, I started out in the same dark place
where I was in 2008... with bad boys, drinking, drugs...
And then I had an awakening all my own.
I got away from the bad people,
went back to church,
and committed to it this time.
Going back to my church meant going back to .... her.
She was still the center of attention for my age group at that church
(no longer "college" but now "young married and starting a family")
a successful wedding photographer, still married and now expecting her first child.
There seemed to be few conversations had by anyone there that she didn't come up.
She was also always the one doing the talk about purity to the middle school and high school kids, and was most outspoken in the small group that I ended up joining (because it was the only one that had a few singles in it).
I took a deep breath, grinned, and beared it.
During that time I was really heavily involved there,
I tried to propose and launch a singles ministry.
There just wasn't enough interest in it though...only about 5 singles left
and they were all doing their own thing.
But I made it a mission to reach out to them.
I made friends.
I found out I had a talent for cooking and for decorating cakes,
and I used it as my "gift" in that church.
My skills were in demand.
I was listening to the sermons and growing and becoming more whole.
So it was worth putting up with her to be there.

I got back together with my boyfriend.
He was still living with his family, I had a roommate,
our future was uncertain but I was just happy to have him
back in my life.
In 2014, we got married.
So now he's my husband.
Also around 2014, he started not liking that church again.
In 2015, we moved over to its other campus.

The one I called "the brag brag" moved up north.
She had 2 more babies.
She was still brought up in conversations on the other campus
all the time,
but not this one.

In 2016, He decided he didn't like the new campus either.
We would fight tooth and nail because I felt like
we needed church together.
But eventually I let him do his own thing.
In 2017, at the beginning, we had our seperation.
The entire year was thrown into chaos between that,
a bunch of misunderstandings caused by that,
and then losing my old job.
The rest is history.

The girl would come back to town to visit now and then,
and I'd see her around.
But by the middle of 2017, we were going to another church.

Fast forward to today.
We are expecting. I was blessed with a new career,
and because of that, my 9-5 and free weekends will be back.
Ample time and motivation to become my best self again.
I deserve it.
My husband deserves it.
My baby deserves it.
I feel called back to that church though.
He doesn't, but I will.
She's not there, but that's not the point I'm trying to get to.

The point is, over all these years I harbored so much hate from jealousy,
but recently I looked back at her old facebook posts from when she was in the chapter
of her life where I am now-
expecting a baby, also facing some challenges (instead of finding a career and patching up a marriage, hers were that she had to live up north where she had no friends due to a financial thing and then her dad died), and seeking God in all that.
I look over her old posts at how much she turned to scripture, and dealt with the blows with grace, and dealt with the pregnancy with a sweet childlike optimism.
She was always like that.
It's what I hated most when I was in a dark place and couldn't approach ANYTHING with grace.
I still think her concern with purity is overbearing.
But now I find myself wishing I could be more LIKE her
(I don't have to like her, just follow the examples).
I was blind to all that grace and wholesomeness she had.
Now I wish I had it because my husband got hurt by my stupidity last year,
and I think he wishes I was like that too.

I don't want to have to be friends with her though.
I just wonder if it's shameful to reference her facebook and blogs for examples to follow,
when she's my "arch nemesis". LOL.

 

[mina]

I think you should forgive her and stop thinking about her. Find new examples to follow.

 

[bluegreysky]

Would you consider Joanna Gaines to be a good example?

 

[mkgal1]

I was blind to all that grace and wholesomeness she had.
Now I wish I had it because my husband got hurt by my stupidity last year,
and I think he wishes I was like that too.

Just like the line in the hymn says, "But now I see"...you're no longer blind. You can't change the past...but you also don't need to drag it into your future either. I believe that "grace and wholesomeness" is what we should all strive for. There's no reason why you can't work towards having that "grace and wholesomeness". It seems to me that you *were* your own "arch-nemesis" but have grown a whole lot in a short amount of time.

Have you shared with your husband how you regret hurting him? You two can now have a completely different relationship with what you've come to realize (and I bet-not that it is a competition- a more genuine relationship than anything you're comparing yourself to on social media).

FB and Instagram stories are mostly facades. Don't compare your life to artificial veneers.

BTW.... I really like your writing style

 

[snoochface]

I think you should stop thinking of her as your arch nemesis or the brag-brag, and start looking at her as the child of God that she is, someone whom Jesus died for as much as he died for you. Show grace to her and realize that your obsession with her reflects more on you than it does on who she is, but you can change that by not calling her or thinking of her with negative name-calling, but as someone you'd like to emulate.

And then, emulate her. Or, even better, just leave her alone, stay off her Facebook page, put her out of your mind, and emulate Jesus. Then you'll have the benefit of being more like her anyway, but without all the baggage that you bring to achieving that goal.

 

[mina]

Would you consider Joanna Gaines to be a good example?

I have no idea. does she have qualities you want to emulate? You have to be your own person and be the best version of that. I think it's fine to read blogs and books of people who spur you on to develop Godly qualities, but having a grounded perspective of their life. Read the Bible and put more stock into emulating that if you have a tendency to be obsessive about someone. I think you should leave the OP girl alone just because of your history of deep emotions with her and I don't think it's healthy to be so concerned about her life and compare it to yours.

 

[mkgal1]

I have no idea. does she have qualities you want to emulate? You have to be your own person and be the best version of that. I think it's fine to read blogs and books of people who spur you on to develop Godly qualities, but having a grounded perspective of their life.

I totally agree with this.

A book that may be of interest to you, BGS..(besides the Bible) that may help you to form your own way of setting the standards for your life and relationships is Dr Henry Cloud's 9 Things You Simply Must Do . What I appreciate about this book is that Dr Cloud gives examples of situations his [anonymous] patients were facing and the best solutions they came up with in how to best respond (in a loving and Christ-like way that would be best for everyone). I think it's helpful to see some concrete examples sometimes (and these examples in this book aren't coming with any baggage).

You can read a sample of the book here (if you're interested): 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life

On page 240 Cloud does recommend that we find models to follow....but you really have to be seeing the whole picture of how they genuinely "deal with life" not just what a person is presenting on FB or Instagram.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I think 10+ years is a bit long to hold on to a one-sided grudge against somebody who has not done anything to you but lead her own life.

You have a huge upheaval coming your way and some huge demands on your time and money and marriage. If you don’t take the time to shore yourself, him, your family, and your finances up, you will not have another opportunity like this for awhile. You really, really have to make sure your ducks are in a row. Less than a year ago you were separated, filing for bankruptcy, and at your wits end. The issues that led to this will all hit again after the baby arrives... You have to be ready. What this girl has going on isn’t your worry and a waste of energy. You’ve got to get into counseling and speak to financial advisors, really ceasing the time to right the ship a bit. The glow and baby-moon euphoria and nesting horomones won’t last forever, so cease the moment and make the most out of all those feelings the pregnancy is bringing up and enjoy what will be the last time you will ever, ever be alone with just your husband ever again by really making the most of this time.

 

[bluegreysky]

well that's why I quit the second job. Because I needed weekends (and also the evenings on the weekdays) at home and my husband was a big part of that.

I just look at her old facebook posts and I see how many people love and adore her and I know that she was a brag but she was genuinely trying to be a good person and I guess it worked because those friends weren't fake.
I don't know how to have all that. Maybe I wasn't meant to.

I'll try that book.

And Joanna Gaines is the co-star in the HGTV show "fixer upper"... she's a christian woman in a good marriage with healthy kids and some very good outlooks and she wrote a book that I want to read.

 

[Dave-W]

Would you consider Joanna Gaines to be a good example?

Not so sure about her. She is the reason I HATE "ship lap."

But her husband, Chip, needs to be slapped HARD up side the head. I am surprised they are still married.

 

[snoochface]

Has it occurred to you that maybe this girl wasn't bragging at all, but just living her life? I post about things on Facebook that are important to me - primarily my husband and my dog and things we do together as a family. Is she bragging because she went places with her husband, so you always saw them together, and she made posts about their lives? Are are you seeing bragging through your jealousy? Is everyone in the world so stupid as to be duped by her fakery, or is it possible she is genuinely a good person who is just trying to live her life?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

well that's why I quit the second job. Because I needed weekends (and also the evenings on the weekdays) at home and my husband was a big part of that.

Which is all well and good, but quitting to be home and quitting because you are clearing the deck to follow a clear plan towards avoiding bankruptcy, rebuilding your marriage, and planning how to live post-baby are very different. The baby will be a full time job when it arrives, no nights and weekends off. Now is the time to focus on getting on the same page with your husband on a plan of reconciliation, on finding daycare, saving money because your expenses are about to dramatically increase, etc etc.

I just look at her old facebook posts and I see how many people love and adore her and I know that she was a brag but she was genuinely trying to be a good person and I guess it worked because those friends weren't fake.
I don't know how to have all that. Maybe I wasn't meant to.

I find it hard to believe she’s bragging, I find it impossible to see how it has anything to do with making a statement about you. It seems like she’s a social butterfly with many friends and she uses Facebook to stay connected and share information with her large group of friends. That’s not bragging... That’s living your life. Since even you say she’s a genuinely good person with tons of people she has connected with because she’s a good friend who attracts good people, she doesn’t seem like she’s sharing what she shares because she’s bragging.

And Joanna Gaines is the co-star in the HGTV show "fixer upper"... she's a christian woman in a good marriage with healthy kids and some very good outlooks and she wrote a book that I want to read.

Stop spending so much time and energy working out how to copy others. I understand you admire their success and are jealous of their lives and enamored of their popularity and how others like them, but copying them isn’t the solution. Putting in the work is. They have what they have because they work and have built something that is their own. They aren’t copying somebody’s life, they’re putting all their energy into leading their best life.

 

[mina]

Yes, I know who Joanna Gaines is. I think she has admirable character and qualities that have nothing to do with her success. Speaking in generalities , I think we can admire people and maybe want to emulate their practice of putting God first and then making your family a priority in your life. But, you have to be yourself in your own situation. You and your husband are never going to be just like Chip and Joanna Gaines in your relationship because you are not Chip and Joanna Gaines. You are both never going to be this girl or her husband because you are not them. You have to both commit to being the best in your own marriage and working on your own relationship with your own quirks and personalities. And it has to come from a place of genuineness ......do you want to be like them b/c you want to be liked easily or be popular or looked up to by others and get tons of likes? or because you really want to genuinely have a good marriage and family no matter if anyone on the outside notices or not? It's not wrong to want to copy good qualities you see in successful working relationships, but you also have to balance that with your own life so that it's fruitful in your own actual life. Even if this girl is terrible and horrible and rotten to the core and all her goodness is just a front......what does it have to do with you? If you don't like your life, change it , be better; for your own sake and the sake of your family- not to impress anyone or to prove anyone wrong. Virtual or real headpats can't compare to an actual good strong marriage with your best friend .

 

[bluegreysky]

I don't know. I'm torn between wanting to be my best self for the sake of being my best self and wanting to be my best self so more people will be drawn to me and I make friends.

 

[snoochface]

Do the first and the second is a natural consequence. Win/win.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Be your best self for you. Being anything, even your best self, because you want to be popular and envied isn’t the way to go. One is growth, the other is an exercise for your ego.

 

[jameseb]

I believe many of us know someone like that in our lives. I know I did. Like your experience, my friend seemed to always have it together, found his true love while we were still in high school and married her after graduating college. Not long after they had a family. A boy and a girl. He had great success in business and, indeed, in life in general. We both looked for love early on... he found his immediately while all I found was lots of heartbreak for many, many years to come. He was accepted to the Air Force Academy. I was denied the Naval Academy. He had a boy and a girl early on in his marriage. I wouldn't find marriage for a very long time and, unfortunately, I would never have the boy and girl I had always wanted. The only difference between our friends is that mine didn't boast about it, and while I was jealous of him, I never disliked him. Indeed, we're still very close friends to this day.

I'm not sure if my friend has ever had serious challenges in his marriage (or in any other aspect of his life for that matter), but one thing I know for certain is that 95% of people on Facebook are only ever putting their best foot forward. Aside from the possible exception of my friend ( ), practically all of us have struggled in many ways, many times and over many years. Never feel alone in that. Husbands and wives will argue. Bitterly at times even. We'll do battle with personal demons in the form of alcohol or drugs. And we certainly won't post pictures of the cheap fast food we're eating at home in our messy kitchen. I'm sure for every Facebook pic of a fabulous gourmet meal someone is enjoying while dining out there are many more mundane meals or evenings that go unposted. I'm also certain that for every family vacation pic posted there are scores of other days when they're sitting around their living rooms arguing over which TV show to watch.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I don't know. I'm torn between wanting to be my best self for the sake of being my best self and wanting to be my best self so more people will be drawn to me and I make friends.

In the end, "looking unto Jesus" (Hebrews 12.2) is the best perspective.

 

[faroukfarouk]

You should only ever be the best person God wants you to be. Stop trying to compare your life with others', it only makes matters worse. You do what's right for you, your husband and soon your baby. I think we all go through this at some point or other but in the end, it doesn't matter whom you try to emulate, you'll never be happy if you're not content with your own life. I had to make alot of serious adjustments in my own life many years ago, lost some contacts along the way and have realized it's only been for the better. Who cares what people put on facebook? I call it "fakebook" because the people I actually know DO NOT match the stuff they plaster online. So... fakebook has stuck around here. lol Maybe some people are brutally honest but I take anything social media with a grain of salt. Put all that aside and just focus on today and now.

So much on Facebook is a load of nonsense.

What we feed on prayerfully from the Word is what makes the difference.

 

[tall73]

I don't know. I'm torn between wanting to be my best self for the sake of being my best self and wanting to be my best self so more people will be drawn to me and I make friends.

The last time you were making a friend it wound up in an emotional affair.

You are bouncing back and forth emotionally in these threads. Continue to focus on improving your spiritual life for closeness with God, and for nothing else.

Focus your desire for close human relationships on your spouse. Right now you need to continue to rebuild, not introduce other new relationships that will compete for time.

The fantasy you are comparing yourself to, in the person of this "nemesis" is similar to the fantasy you built in your head around the guy you had the emotional affair with. It is a preferable reality in your mind.

You are looking at all the other ways your life could be because you don't like the way it is. But it won't improve by doing that. You will just build resentment.