The Abuser Speaks

[Spiritson]

I'm really hurting. My wife of 24 years left me 6 weeks ago, taking our youngest children, 4 and 6 years old (we have 3 adult children), went to a shelter and filed a restraining order against me. I was very abusive in our relationship, not physically, but sexually, emotionally, and mentally. I didn't really see it until she left. Then it was like a load falling on my head, and, the day she left, I got a razor and thought about suicide (our oldest son interrupted, and I spent a couple of days in the hosptial). I now see that for the cowardice it is (I had a friend actually kill himself since then). My wife has said in court that she wants a permanent restraining order against me. She said she might seek a legal separation or divorce in court. I want to be the man I should have been, but I'm failing. The rejection cuts me deeply. She has the right to be separate, to do whatever she wants to. I have been bouncing back and forth between waiting and divorce, even though I know that: 1) God prohibits divorce and 2) That is all about me. I don't know anything of what my wife is considering. I spoke to a lawyer and he told me that she is following a classic divorce pattern, that by proving that I'm a danger to the children through the protection order, she would have an easier time proving that in divorce court, and that I should start the divorce process myself, in order to protect my rights with the children. I desparately need help.

 

[madison1101]

I understand your pain and confusion. I was not a very good wife to my ex, I was kind of a rage-a-holic long ago. With help I have changed, but not soon enough to save my marriage. I was told that was the inevitable consequence of my old behavior. After he left, I became transformed, but not soon enough. I prayed for reconciliation, but he has since remarried.

My life is good now, though I still have many regrets, and temptations. God has been faithful through it all, thankfully.

My suggestion is to wait and pray. If you are serious about wanting your marriage back, do not file for divorce. Wait and pray. Pray for God's healing touch on your wife and children, but most of all, pray for God's will to be done in your life and your heart. Get into therapy and work on the stuff behind your abusive behavior. It didn't happen in a vaccuum, something in your life was a catalyst to the thinking that you could hurt your wife the way you did. A good therapist will help you see that and heal your mind and heart.

 

[Spiritson]

I did get into therapy, the day after she left, because I'd seen what I'd become. I also got into pastoral counseling, a DV Group, and am on meds. Please pray for me and my family.

 

[madison1101]

I did get into therapy, the day after she left, because I'd seen what I'd become. I also got into pastoral counseling, a DV Group, and am on meds. Please pray for me and my family.

Praying that you will keep your focus on the Lord, and your heart sensitive to His leading. His grace is sufficient for you.

 

[alabaster jar]

It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. Work on yourself and work towards getting on a healthy relationship that does not control or put fear into others, especially your kids. Build up to visitation with your kids and leave your wife at a distance, since she had filed a restraining order. Have you talked to a lawyer? When you are stable, if you are capable of being alone with your kids, you need to find out what your rights are, or you may lose more than a wife. Good luck.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Pray and get the best lawyer you can.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Consistancy over the longhaul is essential to victory.

Warrior Poet