Hello! My name is Denisa, I am 23 and I struggled with depression since I was a child. It is hard too write this because it brings back memories (I am already with tears in my eyes), but I want to encourage everyone who fights against this illness.
My parents had a very bad relationship from the begining. They were fighting every night. I don't have memories from childhood, except staying in the bed, with my fingers in the ears, singing a song so I could not hear them. I hated my father and I hated myself. I thought that I was resonsible for my mum's pain, so I began to suffer too, thinking that if I do so, my mum will suffer less (I was a kid). I began to cry everyday, to feel condemned and to really hate myself. I was thinking to commit suicide, but even though I wasn't a real Christian, I had some ideas about God and I was afraid to do it. I began to have periods in which I was so depressed that I felt the need to harm myself in order to get out the pain. I began to smoke around 3 packets of ciggarttes per day, to drink until I would fall down and to practice witchcraft. Of course, this only made me feel worse. Usually, I was having depression attacks (I don't know how to name them ) during nighttime-I would put on some very sad music, harm my body and bringing my mind to a state in which it was completely blank-it was like being on drugs. It was my "escaping world", where there was no pain. There were moments when I tried to go to a psychiatrist, but I had no money and my parents forbid me to do so. I hated myself so much...sincerely, just looking in the mirror was bringing me into a state of depression, because I really thought I was a monster.
However, God began to deal with this in me some years ago. I really don't know how, but he set me free from a big part of depression. I still have pain in my heart, but it's getting better and better. Now, I know that counseling is really good and I enocurage you to go there. But for me, God and His Word+ a lot of prayer helped me. Please, don't give up. Jesus can REALLY give you a cheerful heart. Yes, it might be a long proccess, but it is worthed! Ask for medical help, but also lean on God!
If you have any question, don't hesitate to ask me!
My parents had a very bad relationship from the begining. They were fighting every night. I don't have memories from childhood, except staying in the bed, with my fingers in the ears, singing a song so I could not hear them. I hated my father and I hated myself. I thought that I was resonsible for my mum's pain, so I began to suffer too, thinking that if I do so, my mum will suffer less (I was a kid). I began to cry everyday, to feel condemned and to really hate myself. I was thinking to commit suicide, but even though I wasn't a real Christian, I had some ideas about God and I was afraid to do it. I began to have periods in which I was so depressed that I felt the need to harm myself in order to get out the pain. I began to smoke around 3 packets of ciggarttes per day, to drink until I would fall down and to practice witchcraft. Of course, this only made me feel worse. Usually, I was having depression attacks (I don't know how to name them ) during nighttime-I would put on some very sad music, harm my body and bringing my mind to a state in which it was completely blank-it was like being on drugs. It was my "escaping world", where there was no pain. There were moments when I tried to go to a psychiatrist, but I had no money and my parents forbid me to do so. I hated myself so much...sincerely, just looking in the mirror was bringing me into a state of depression, because I really thought I was a monster.
However, God began to deal with this in me some years ago. I really don't know how, but he set me free from a big part of depression. I still have pain in my heart, but it's getting better and better. Now, I know that counseling is really good and I enocurage you to go there. But for me, God and His Word+ a lot of prayer helped me. Please, don't give up. Jesus can REALLY give you a cheerful heart. Yes, it might be a long proccess, but it is worthed! Ask for medical help, but also lean on God!
If you have any question, don't hesitate to ask me!
