Testimony of strength in...meekness?

Okay so today was a bad day compared to how I normally feel, which is elated and appreciative and content. I managed to not drink more after the limit I set for myself (2 beers) so I feel a bit better that I can keep a promise to myself. This would have been impossible only a few months ago.

So let me do a bit of preempting before delving into a little story, since there seems to be a little bit of judgement around this site about whether one is a true believer or not. Can't be avoided, granted. No offense taken at all.

I do believe my spiritual experiences are genuine when they do happen and for the most part I do feel an imminent presence in my life now. Convincing others on an internet forum of this is quite a task and it's not important that I do so, but I would still like to try for fun! I'm too impressionable for my age!

Most of the time I go to sleep praying and get up praying and guard my thoughts against anger throughout the day. I do read the bible and think about God a lot now and enjoy it.

ANYWAY- To make things easier, just assume that the components to the story are correct. I'm not going to try to convince anyone if you look for alternatives.

I was working with someone who doesn't like me and might still actually be trying to find out where I live to break into my house. He is not aware that I figured this intention out.

Some backstory before everyone starts assuming that I have no factual basis to think this way or that I'm paranoid, HERE's what happened:

I told my department I was moving
They didn't ask where to
A little while later I told my department I was going out of town
Now people start asking where I live
I think nothing of it
I get off shift one night with the guy (everyone is friendly here and there's no ill will, it's a respectful work environment) and he asks to drive me home (for the first time ever)
I then realize he wanted to find out where I lived so he could B&E
He's fully capable of this as a person, I believe
At this point, he doesn't know that I know
People continue asking and I continue giving them a vague direction
I'm starting to get irritated because I know what they're trying to do and it makes me sick.
It's starting to get on my nerves a little bit, because I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are trying to get this information out of me so I can be robbed
It's irritating but I pray about it and feel better

SO, I was biking home the other night after a day of his fake smiles and fake friendship and after his friend asked me yet again where I live (with her nice happy smile), I sort of got the feeling that he was really interested in making a move to try and figure this out. Very irritating. I wasn't going to confront him on it because he would just deny it and I have no evidence. Worse, he has more pull in the department and if he chose to become offended then my working relationship with most of the staff would be damaged and I'd rather not have that because it's already strained and superficial.

Biking home now, out of the parking lot an SUV revs up and stalls, waiting for me to get closer, as if it's trying to intimidate me. I realize that I shouldn't be afraid (faith sustains me) and I go behind it. It revs up again and goes down the road I'm headed down and then just waits.

An amusing thought pops in my mind "I hope the engine fails" That would be pretty funny though, because he was obviously trying to intimidate me and in my view, that's would be a righteous retort. I go down the other road.

Now, as a functioning, semi-paranoid schizophrenic, the thought enters my mind that it could have been that guy from work, or it could have been his friends trying to track me down as I did give an approximation of how long it took me to get home that night. This is the part of the story I am willing to admit may not be based in reality. It still eats at me because that's what this illness does sometimes.

SO. Next day I'm tired. I wake up praying and telling the Lord that I trust in his will for me to keep me safe. But I still fret a little about how the best way for me to confront him and get him to back off is as soon as I enter the department because, like I said, I have no evidence and he can easily deny such an accusation.

Managed to get paired with him, we put on the same pleasantries. I truly have no ill will against anyone here, but there's a gossip problem and I'm no part of it which often makes me a target. Oh well. It's benign enough to shrug.

Things go well but instead of reacting in any abrasive way, (and I could feel a sort of urgency to get rid of this cloud of potential financial hardship looming over me) I just returned my focus onto Jesus and His power to change things in the world effortlessly, which I attest I have witnessed many, many times. It gets to a point in the day where I felt the Lord told me to say a specific set of words to him. I waited for the right moment and did so. It took a few minutes but I could feel his energy sort of change a bit, and for the first time it felt like we did actually have a more genuine bond than before. So my fears were then put to rest. He did ask me what days I was off and my immediate fear-driven response was to lie. But, ever mindful of the 9th commandment, I told him. I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about it at this point. I then found this passage (or maybe it found me or maybe I found it earlier who knows) do you think it's appropriate?

Luke 10:20


If you've made it this far, congratulations. If you didn't, that's alright too. I sort of need to post this somewhere and gets some responses. Thanks again for listening.

Thanks and bless you so much for taking the time to read all that. I felt like I needed to get that off my chest and write it all down, even if no one read it. But you did! and that makes it even more worthwhile! Thank you for allowing me to be heard by at least one more!

It's kind of hard for me to help but feel fear sometimes, and some would use that as evidence that I'm a false christian or that I don't believe in Jesus. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps it is a way for the Lord to temper my faith, given that when I emerge from these episodes I'm usually flooded by positive insights. But when they happen, it's as though I forget those moments and those connections to God. I don't think it's by choice and it certainly wouldn't be out of malice from God, but I will accept this psychological affliction if God so wants me to endure it.

It makes me think of how Jesus must have suffered psychologically in the last days when he lifted his head and asked why the Father had forsaken him.

Thanks for that thought experiment Winken. I appreciate your support! I read the bible daily now and can attest that knowing scripture does aid so greatly in defeating intrusive thoughts and ideations. My problem was that earlier in life the left circle and the right circle where heavily interwoven for a long long time. I also got into New Age type things looking for answers and I would find lots of things that would be pleasing for the moment, then I'd find something else and it would contradict. Which was fine, but I was always shifting. Like sands. |Now I feel like I've returned to my Rock only now it's time to build my real house upon. In the mean time camping with my armor, that I will humbly admit is in a tempering phase

1watchman said:

I am wondering why the suspicion of B&E. We usually need a substantial reason for that, else it just becomes a general paranoia.

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He's a Muslim and their book permits them to lie, cheat, steal and kill infidels. I withheld that part because I didn't want to get into a discussion about identity politics or be attacked as a bigot. (disclaimer: i do not mean to implicated all muslims with this)

thanks guys
God bless!