Terrible twos meltdowns - Help!

[OrangeHope]

About a year ago before Alex turned 2 she started having some tantrums and each time she began a tantrum I would calm the situation down really fast by asked her "Do you want to go to your room?" she would say "No!" so I would tell her to get up and stop crying. It worked like a charm! in fact it worked so well that for 2 whole months she was SO good I didn't have to punish her until she one day started throwing such a big tantrum at my Aunts Christmas party that we had to leave cause it was so bad.

I started asking her again if she wanted to go to her room when she started a tantrum. I tried it for a week but it didn't work so now her time out spot is on the bottom of the stairs.

Just some notes of what I try to do before, while and after her time outs:

* I try directing her attention to something else before the cries start.

* Encourage her to use her words to let me know what she needs.

* Put her in time out for 2 minutes, walk away and ignore the tantrum.

* After 2 minutes I ask her if she's really to say sorry and give a hug and kiss, I kneel down to her level and explain why she was in time out.

While I try to explain to her why she was in time out and why her behavior was not exceptable she will always turn away crying again repeating that she's sorry. I ask her to look me in the eye when I'm talking to her but she won't. DH and i feel like she's looking for the easy way out and doesn't want to listen when we try to discipline her

There are other times she will throw tantrums when we ask her to play nicer with a toy she's playing with rough, will be even give her an example but she will get all upset just because we're asking her to be more gentle and start shouting "NO!"

The NO is another phase that is really driving us crazy, she will only say no, especially today she said it so many times...she will never say yes, we encourage her to say yes and help her say a certain sentience so she will know how to ask us how we can help her with some thing she needs.

What can I change to help her understand what she needs and help her understand that there is certain behavior that's not acceptable in our house?

 

[ChildByGrace]

What you are doing sounds pretty good. I would say keep doing it and reinforcing what you want.
My DS is turning 4 next month and has been having 'terrible twos' for nearly 2 1/2 years. We are getting there though. I don't believe that their behaviour changes over night. But one day you'll realise she hasn't been in time out for a few days etc.
It is so hard but it will pass and to me it sounds like you have a great way of dealing with it.

Iro turning away and crying-are you repeating things too much and she thinks you are telling her off again?

 

[ex-pat]

Toddler tantrums are often due to a little one trying out independence and frustrated at the fact that they are still at someone else's mercy....a parent can just banish you to your room, because they are bigger, for instance. In general, more choices in her life will mean a reduction of tantrums overall...ex: setting out clothes the night before with her there, saying to her "the weather will be cold tomorrow, we need long sleeves...do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?" (choosing between two choices acceptable to you) The next morning as you help her get dressed, validate the choice "Good choice to wear the blue shirt, it's nice and soft and warm." Then ask about things that are negotiable to you.."Do you want apples or bananas with breakfast?" This can be extended to having her help you choose vegetables and fruit at the grocery store...at home, in advance. "You can choose one favourite fruit and one favourite vegetable today for me to write on the grocery list and we'll buy those for all of us." (limit to fruit/veg unless you want a sugar meltdown in the candy aisle) Feeling she has more choices will make for fewer tantrums, and when they DO happen, try these:

"You know mommy listens to you and wants to help you, but when you have tantrums I can't understand you. When you are ready to tell mommy what you want, I will listen." (this usually results in a surprised look and a gulping for a moment, then some words...be reasonable about the request if possible) "I want a cookie NOW (said three minutes before lunch) can be answered by "We don't eat cookies before lunch, we eat them after lunch. Do you want to put the cookie on your plate NOW so you can eat it after lunch?" Try to avoid "YOU CAN'T" statements and replace them with "WE DON'T" in order for her not to feel picked on.

Other issues are more serious...and need to be treated that way. "I told you once not to paint on the cat/wall/baby. You didn't listen, and now we have to put the paints away until you're old enough to listen." Please make sure you are not to blame for the behaviour..I've seen children exhausted at 10 pm in the grocery, screaming their lungs out...if mom's schedule is off, make sure you aren't punishing the child for sheer exhaustion/hunger/overstimulated by too many new people, etc. STILL communicate that a tantrum isn't the way to solve things, of course, but acknowledge the issue "Wow, when we're at grandma's and all the cousins are here it's really loud and overwhelming for you...why don't we sit outside, just you and me, for a little bit and look at the Christmas lights, then you'll feel better and we'll go back inside" or "Mommy knows lunch is a little late because the lines in the grocery were so long...I know being hungry makes you cranky, would you like some goldfish crackers to eat in the car until we get home for lunch"

Regardless of how it's done, try to express that you understand the reason she's screaming, and will fix it ASAP if it's plausible to do so. And maybe, depending on the problem, a hug and an " I forgive you" with praise for doing it right next time is better than a recap of what went wrong. Two minutes is not really long enough for toddler emotions to subside.

AND remember she'll grow out of it!!!!

 

[ex-pat]

Oh...forgot...on the "NO" phase...try to make all corrective statements positive, rather than negative. Ex: "We sit on the sofa" rather than "No standing on the sofa". Also try to ask questions that cannot be answered by yes or no...children at that age are trying to gain control, and they often hear "NO" most powerfully and most often. They often say "NO" even to things they want, because you suggested it. Instead of "Why don't you sit down and play with your doll/truck/boat?" try "Playtime now! Do you want to play with your toys, or do some puzzles, or would you rather do something else?" Give two or three acceptable choices and the suggestion that the child can choose another activity. If you get a knee-jerk "NO" from that, smile, then say "Did you REALLY mean you want to do NOTHING?" and ask the question again. After a while of that, your child will begin to listen a little closer to what you say, and evaluate the options rather than giving you a knee-jerk "NO".

 

[FaithPrevails]

ex-pat said it all.

 

[MessianicMommy]

ditto to ex-pat. I also suggest the book "your two year old". It was written a long time ago and seems outdated, but the information is very helpful.

 

[Godsgirl79]

Spank her butt! Works with mine.