Temp single parenting stress

[clairysage]

Hi,

I am on my own with my children as my husband is away for work in Singapore for a couple of weeks.

I muddle on through, but sometimes it can get very stressful without that second pair of hands. My hubby doesn't do that much, but he will help out if I am getting stressed. Last night I was feeling so tired as my daughter is not sleeping well, and we'd had a tiring weekend driving to my parents and back (about 3 hours drive each way), I'd had a long day at work, and I was just near to tears because I felt so useless and exhausted. My children wanted my attention, and I wanted to be with them, but I could hardly keep my eyes open. My daughter then didn't want to go to bed, so I tried being firm and putting her in the cot and leaving her for a bit (she's 19 months) but she screamed until I couldn't bear it, and was crying myself (it was only a few minutes). I felt like I had 101 things that had to be done that night, and my son was being ignored as I was trying to deal with my daughter. Got very stressed. Ended up putting both children in my bed in their pyjamas, where they entertained eachother happily (no chance of them going to sleep!) while I sorted out some clothes for the wash etc. Finally got them both into bed at 9pm, and then had to get all my chores done. On top of this I've lost an important document, so have been ransacking the house for it and stressing out over that aswell.

Sorry to ramble on!

I kept trying to find a quiet space, and sit and calm down last night. I was asking God to bring me peace and take the stress away so I could just do the important things and go to bed. Some days I'm fine with out hubby and manage everything, but when I'm tired it can be so hard.

Sure there are many out there worse off than me - like permanently single mums - sorry for being so self-pitying. Hope you don't mind me venting here. Please think of me and my little ones in your prayers.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Oh you poor girl, I know exactly how you feel. When my kids were little, and my husband was away, I went through similar things so I know where you are coming from. Do you have any friends who will have the children for an hour or so to give you time out? You don't say how old your son is, but I am guessing he is older than your daughter. Can you explain to him that while daddy is away, mummy needs his help with his sister, make him feel grown up by getting him to do some small task for you, depending on his age. Thank him profusely so his male ego is massaged, LOL!!! I suggest you let the kids watch TV or a favourite video while you chill out. You need to take time for yourself. If the routine goes to pot for two weeks, I am sure you can retrieve it again once your husband is at home, and you might have kept your sanity!

I hope the document turns up, try to think rationally as to where you might have put it. In my experience, it will be in the place you least think of looking for it, like the freezer, LOL!! We all put things in daft places when stressed!

Take care, I am thinking about you,

Rose-Mary

 

[BeanMak]

I can feel for you. I agree with Rose-Mary. If the schedule goes out the window for a week, no one will even remember in a month! If you are very tired, put everyone, including you, in jammies, all pile on your bed, and read a book! Or, lay with the baby on your bed. She might be feeling the stress of your husband being gone even if she doesn't have the words to say it. Everyone get to sleep early, and then you can get up a bit earlier and do a couple of chores if need be. Trust me, the house won't fall down if the dishes aren't done before going to bed.
Life is too short as the old saying goes. (no one has ever been killed by rabid dust bunnies from under the bed ) I always think- would I rather my kids remember that I kept a perfect schedule and house, or that I always had time to cuddle, and be there with them?

 

[clairysage]

Oh you poor girl, I know exactly how you feel. When my kids were little, and my husband was away, I went through similar things so I know where you are coming from.

Thank you for that - it is nice to hear that I am not going mad! I'm not the only one to feel like this sometimes. I am feeling a lot better now, and I have high hopes that our evening will be much nicer today! I am going to try and be more laid back!

Do you have any friends who will have the children for an hour or so to give you time out?

Not really. There is their Grandma, but I don't like to ask ... probably silly, but I don't want her to think I can't cope. She is the best mother-in-law ever and I want her to be proud of me! Bonkers really as she's always saying when hubby is away - "you know where we are - ring if you need anything". She is having my son after school for 3 afternoons this week as well, so it's a bit much to ask her for more than that.

You don't say how old your son is, but I am guessing he is older than your daughter. Can you explain to him that while daddy is away, mummy needs his help with his sister, make him feel grown up by getting him to do some small task for you, depending on his age. Thank him profusely so his male ego is massaged, LOL!!! I suggest you let the kids watch TV or a favourite video while you chill out. You need to take time for yourself. If the routine goes to pot for two weeks, I am sure you can retrieve it again once your husband is at home, and you might have kept your sanity!

My son is 5 and is a great helper He was watching TV downstairs when I was trying to put my daughter to bed last night. I felt bad for leaving him there all on his own, but he seemed fine really! He is pretty good at helping - but I didn't ask last night - I was in such a state I never even thought of that!! He is so good with his sister and they love eachother to bits. That may have been part of the problem last night. My daughter doesn't want to be separated from him! She likes to snuggle up in his bed with him for stories, and when I try and take her to her cot to sleep she yells!

Tonight I will get essentials done, but that's it. Other than that I will spend time with the children, and give myself a break! I plan to drink hot chocolate and read a good book snuggled up in bed. Not terribly exciting but it sounds very good to me!

I hope the document turns up, try to think rationally as to where you might have put it. In my experience, it will be in the place you least think of looking for it, like the freezer, LOL!! We all put things in daft places when stressed!

I'll confess now - it was actually my MOT certificate for my car. I felt so silly - that's why I didn't say before! I only got the MOT done last month and I've lost it already! But after I panicked for quite some time, I checked on the internet and you can get a replacement from the garage that did the MOT to start with, so I'm going to do that. It costs £10, but I think I would rather spend that than continue stressing out and searching night after night!!! I'm going to pick up a new one tomorrow. Thank goodness!

Take care, I am thinking about you,

Rose-Mary

Thank you so much - it really helps to know you are thinking of me

 

[clairysage]

I can feel for you. I agree with Rose-Mary. If the schedule goes out the window for a week, no one will even remember in a month! If you are very tired, put everyone, including you, in jammies, all pile on your bed, and read a book! Or, lay with the baby on your bed. She might be feeling the stress of your husband being gone even if she doesn't have the words to say it. Everyone get to sleep early, and then you can get up a bit earlier and do a couple of chores if need be. Trust me, the house won't fall down if the dishes aren't done before going to bed.
Life is too short as the old saying goes. (no one has ever been killed by rabid dust bunnies from under the bed ) I always think- would I rather my kids remember that I kept a perfect schedule and house, or that I always had time to cuddle, and be there with them?

Thanks BeanMak,
I like your suggestion of getting us all into bed together. I think I will do that tonight if things get difficult again. I am going to try and be more relaxed tonight and just do the essentials, and spend time with my children. I hope I won't get into that horrible stressed panic again - it's hard to control though - last night I kept telling myself that it didn't matter and tried to relax, but my mind was just racing with all that I had to get done, and getting frustrated when my daughter was not keen to sleep and time to do jobs was getting smaller and smaller! Feels a bit silly now, but at the time, it was very stressful!

Tonight will be a better night

 

[Andry]

Clairysage,

I see you've got excellent support and advice on your situation, so I'd like to share with you the other side of the equation - ie. dad's/husband's point of view.

Singapore is one of those places I travel on business, and believe me (and your husband would probably concur), it's not a picnic either. I mean, fancy hotels, gourmet food, tropical weather, great golfing....oops, back to the OP.

But seriously, I have a 4yo son that I just miss terribly (and my wife too - just in case she's reading this), and the thought of another business trip is getting too much. The last time I was in Singapore and SE Asia was for over a month! While Singapore is nice and clean, it is terribly hot and humid. And once you get over the novelty of the place (a whole 2 days), there's really not much to do there except shop. So my being a complete non-shopper, only the business at hand keeps my mind from wandering and missing my family. There are only so much business lunches and dinners you can have. The rest of the time is eating in solitude - and for me much of that is in my hotel room because it's just too hot outside. Then when I want to somebody to talk to, I can't because the timezone means that my family is probably asleep or have gone off for the day. Since my wife is from Singapore, I do have in-laws and relatives there, but that really one of the last things I want to do!

So cheer up, your husband will be back in no time, and other than crossing off Singapore from his 'cities to visit' list, there's really no place like home.

 

[jenptcfan]

Something that I read in a book once (not directly related to parenting, but can be applied here I think) is that sometimes we think "There aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done!" But the truth of the matter is that there are enough hours in the day to accomplish what God wants us to accomplish in that day. He wouldn't give us more than what's possible for us to do. It may mean that the kitchen floor doesn't get swept before you go to bed or that all the kids toys might not get put away every day. In the long run, that stuff doesn't really matter anyway. Just do the stuff that has to be done first like nurturing your kids, etc. and if you have time left over, do some extras. But don't stress over the little stuff.

Good luck being a 'single mom' for a few weeks!

 

[BeanMak]

Did last night go better? I hope so

 

[clairysage]

But seriously, I have a 4yo son that I just miss terribly (and my wife too - just in case she's reading this), and the thought of another business trip is getting too much.

Thanks Andry - I need reminding sometimes that my hubby's not just out there enjoying himself! I tend to get focused on being the one who's left at home, but it must be a wrench for him to leave us all. I am trying to keep him in touch with what we're doing at home - I post pictures of the children on our photo album on the internet for him to see and we email alot and he rings when he can. My son had a little chat with him on the phone, and my daughter listened to him speak with a huge grin on her face!!

 

[clairysage]

Did last night go better? I hope so

Thanks for asking
It was sooooooo much better! I think it helped that I had had a good night's sleep and made a big effort to relax. The children seem to respond so much better when I'm relaxed - it seems to rub off on them. My daughter was angelic, and went to sleep with no hassle and I had some quality time with my son after she was asleep - reading stories before he went to bed. I did do a few jobs after they were in bed, but only essentials, then snuggled up in bed with a book.
Tonight has gone well too so far - both children tucked up in bed by 8pm - all happy and sleepy, and I've enjoyed my evening so far too I will go to bed soon as it's definitely important for me to get plenty of sleep!

Anyway - thanks for thinking of me - it's lovely to know

 

[clairysage]

Was doing ok ... but when it got to the weekend it went downhill again ... I sent this text to my hubby last night (forgot it was the middle of the night in Singapore, and his phone woke him up! Ooops)

"Feeling fed up. Children ok, not naughty, I just feel bleeurgh. Tired although had ok sleep and feel sad and hard to be fun with kids. Impatient with them and snappy. Wanted to go online and chat to online friends for comfort but internet won't work. Made me cry. Perhaps hormonal. So many ups + downs I sometimes wonder if I should see a dr, but prob tomorrow will feel fine so won't bother. I miss you. I am such a **** mum at the moment. Kids are fine but *** says he doesn't like it when I shout at them :-( too much of that. Sorry so miserable. Life is not so bad really. just feel a bit lost. I love u."

I am beginning to worry that I should see a dr. Or is this normal when you have to cope with the children alone and are tired? I also worry if it is to do with Depo-Provera as I have been on it for about 10 weeks - just had one jab. I'm beginning to regret it and won't get another jab. I've always been a bit up and down, but it was usually pmt for a couple of days then I'd be fine, but lately I'm up and down all over the place. I have looked into depression, and it doesn't seem to fit as mostly I feel fine, it's just for a couple of days ever week or two I feel bad. I suppose, if in doubt, you go to see your doctor, but I dread that!

Talked to hubby this morning on MSN Messenger. He tried to be sympathetic, but he didn't really know what to say. Not even sure if he got the whole message anyway as it was so big my phone split it into 4 sms messages.

I'm even more tired today as my daughter was having trouble sleeping and so I ended up taking her into my bed. She's teething her last molars and it seems to be painful for her, poor baby.

Anyway... I am feeling better today, but I'm sure that's partly because I'm out of the house and at work. When I get home tonight, I get the feeling that it'll be back and I'll feel down again. Hope not.

What does God think about anti-depressants? If I did need them ... would that be what he would want? Or should I be relying on him to help me and not drugs?!

Right off for a cup of tea (traditional British way to pull yourself together!!)

Bye

 

[jenptcfan]

I've heard that Depo-Provera does seem to make people depressed in some cases. I had a friend who had a serious problem with that when she was on it. That could have something to do with it.

When does your husband come home?

 

[clairysage]

I've heard that Depo-Provera does seem to make people depressed in some cases. I had a friend who had a serious problem with that when she was on it. That could have something to do with it.

When does your husband come home?

I've been reading about depo provera on the internet. I feel very stupid for having it! I did see a bit of the stuff on the internet before I decided to take it, but most of it seemed like horror stories, and I didn't really think it was that bad. I believed the doctors who said it had no more side effects than the progesteron-only pill that I was on before. I am not getting the next jab - due next week, and I think I will try and stay off the pill aswell - I want to be hormone free and see if it helps me with my mood etc.

In a bizarre way I feel better - if I can blame depo for my mood swings/depression, at least I can look forward to it improving as the drug disperses from my body. Did your friend get better quickly when she stopped using depo?

My husband comes home on Monday. Only 7 days to go! I am soooo longing for a big hug from him!

Thanks for your message

 

[jenptcfan]

I've been reading about depo provera on the internet. I feel very stupid for having it! I did see a bit of the stuff on the internet before I decided to take it, but most of it seemed like horror stories, and I didn't really think it was that bad. I believed the doctors who said it had no more side effects than the progesteron-only pill that I was on before. I am not getting the next jab - due next week, and I think I will try and stay off the pill aswell - I want to be hormone free and see if it helps me with my mood etc.

In a bizarre way I feel better - if I can blame depo for my mood swings/depression, at least I can look forward to it improving as the drug disperses from my body. Did your friend get better quickly when she stopped using depo?

My husband comes home on Monday. Only 7 days to go! I am soooo longing for a big hug from him!

Thanks for your message

I'm not sure exactly how long it took for her to get back to 'normal'...it may take a couple of weeks to get it all out of your system. I do know that she has since sworn off all hormonal forms of birth control (she is using NFP/FAM now and loving it!) and she's a lot better emotionally since doing that. The scary difference between the pill/shot is that if you start taking a particular type of pill and see that it makes you depressed, you can stop taking it. If you've taken the shot and see that it makes you depressed, you have to live with it for 3 months until it gets out of your system.

Your husband will be back before you know it! Keep hanging in there.

 

[Andry]

Clairysage,

I'm praying God will give you strength, and comfort, and peace of mind.

Tell your hubby, if he can, to quickly buy a digital camera in Singapore (if he doesn't already have one), as it's relatively cheap there. Ask him to take goofy shots of himself, his hotel room (as you'll appreciate his environment more), his neighbourhood, his hotel food, etc. etc. Then post them in a photo album on the Internet - such as on MSN. It does wonders for my wife and son when I do this.

Weekends are the toughest. That's why if I have a free weekend while on business, I make sure I plan to DO something and not mope around the hotel room or the 'mall' miserably missing my family. I suggest you plan ahead for this weekend with your kids to keep you and them occupied. No doubt your hubby will have souvenirs and such for you when he returns - why not plan a 'welcome home' surprise; your kids can help with the decorations. Perhaps you can prepare his favourite meal. Know what helps me best when I return? Fresh linen for me to sleep off the jet lag!

Hope this helps somewhat! God bless!