Telling your child about Death

[Kentucky_Girl]

This is just something that I wanted some input on. In the last year my family has had two deaths. One was an uncle and the other was my husbands grandmother. My son is now 5 and one half. (He will be 6 in Aug.) He was close to both these people and when they passed my husband and I sat him down and explained that they had gone to be with Jesus. One was saved and the other wasn't but may have just before he died, plus I just couldn't explain to my son that his uncle may not have gone to heaven. We did not allow him to go to either funeral as we did not feel he was old enough yet to actually be exposed to the whole open casket thing. He was fine with the explaination we gave him so I was wondering if others have had to deal with this and did you let your child go to the funeral? How do we tell if he is ready to go to something like this if ( ok, when) it happens in the future?

 

[bliz]

He's ready to go to the next funeral. His reaction to the funeral and open casket will depend upon how you have prepared him and what your attitude is.

I remember my very first funeral. I think I was 7 or 8. The deceased was the father of a friend of my parents. The daughter specifically encuraged parents to bring children, even thoughw e did not know her father. She met me at the door and took my hand and brought me to the casket. "This," she explained "Is my father's body. But he's not here anymore. He is in heaven and does not need his body anymore. I am going to miss him very much, but I know he is very happy and I will join him someday when I die." She was so matter-of-fact, calm and smiling. Thre was nothing scary or weird about any of it to me. It was a wonderful introduction to death!

Since then I have been at a funeral home where small children were drawing pictures for Grandpap and placing them in the casket with him. One little girl looked up at me and explained "Grandpap's in heaven now. That's just him body."

 

[murron]

There are no easy answers when it comes to your child learning about death. I wish I had them, but I don't. Only you will know when your son is emotionally ready to confront death in such a personal manner as going to the funeral.

That said, I was 5 when my mother was murdered. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. It is something I truly wish had been granted to me. While I may not have been able to "handle it" at 5, as an adult it is definitely one of those things I look back on and really wish I had been able to do. For many years it was impossible for me to relate death with not coming back - and I believe that is partly because I was not allowed to go to her funeral. I know it was done with good intention, but it really was a mistake (in my case) to not allow me to go. As a result, when deaths have occurred in our family, my children have been a part of the funeral; in some cases only the visitation (depends on the closeness of the relationship).

 

[Gwenyfur]

My daughter was 6 when we had to put our family cat Molly to sleep. She'd gone into liver failure, and since they don't to feline transplants there was no other choice.

While I was at the vet's office, my daughters and their dad spent the morning making a coffin in the garage. It was complete with batting and satin lining...the girls even made a pillow for her head...since when she was alive she used any outstretched limb or foot for her pillow.

Well, DH and I pick up Molly's body from the vet (I hate those black plastic bags!
And arrange her all in teh casket, my oldest (16) helping....but before we could nail the lid down (also engraved with her name heh) little one comes in the garage...

I left it up to DH on deciding on her small stubborn frame insisting on seeing Molly one more time...so...he did...after explaining to her that her kitty was now in heaven with Jesus (no...not neccessarily theologically correct, but comforting for a kid). Well, he let her see Molly...and after the initial rush of tears, she was quite ready to bury her kitty and has since only mentioned missing her a few times, but...she finds solace in the fact that Jesus is playing with her kitty cat....

She's 7 now...has another cat...adn right now she's depressed cause chloe got preggers before we got her fixed (dang the luck and the timing)...and we told her we had to give away the kitties....she's not happy...

 

[suzybeezy]

I think it's always best for a child to get their first funeral experience with someone that they know but are not emotionally connected with. If the situation comes up with a neighbor, family friend or church member, I'd take my child to one of those. My son was 5 when a neighbor that he liked died. I explained to him what was going to happen at the funeral, what she was going to look like etc. When we went, he was prepared. It was very sweet to see him go to the casket and tell her good-bye. He understood. It was very touching. But it prepared him and now if someone would die more closely connected to him, he won't be unexperienced.

 

[andiesmama]

Actually, we had a very close friend of the family pass away about a year ago from cancer. Andie knew him well and we took her to the visitation (open casket), she was probably a year & a half. Of course, she couldn't understand or comprehend the whole thing, but she was just starting to learn about Jesus & Heaven.

So when we took her to the visitation, we explained that Bonner had gone bye-bye to live with Jesus...and took her right up to the casket, she waved bye-bye & blew him a kiss...

I know she won't remember it when time comes for another one, but I think if your child knows about Jesus & Heaven, he'll be prepared (as prepared as anyone can be, that is!) for next time!!

 

[Andry]

Like a few have said, only we the parent will know if own child is ready for a funeral or not (attending one that is). But, IMO, we need to distinguish the difference between telling our child(ren) about death and going to a funeral. There's a huge difference.

Part of the problem is, most of us as adults have difficulty grasping death ourselves, so why should it be a surprise that we would have difficulty articulating that to our kids? My wife and I have told our almost 5 yo about death and ressurection. You can't have one without the other. We have explained that death is just a passing - and this is where parents can use a bit of imagination, depending on how old the kids are - from this world into a heavenly one. And life continues forever after that, and it's wonderful.

A wonderful picture is from LOTR's Return of the King, when Gandalf describes to Pippin what follows after this life.

As for funerals, I don't like the myself, and I won't be in any hurry taking my son to one to learn one of his life lessons.

 

[bliz]

I think it's always best for a child to get their first funeral experience with someone that they know but are not emotionally connected with.

Excellent suggestion!

 

[Jenna]

My husband's grandmother passed away in November, and since we lived with her, we were all very close. Our daughter is three years old, and was not at a point where she could begin to really understand. To keep from hurting her, we did not take her to the funeral, as it was open casket. That aside, it is good for her to see us happily remembering Grandma. She knows that Grandma went to heaven. Thankfully, she missed all of the crying and sobbing. I am sure that there is a time when it is healthy for a child to face the reality of death. However, I think that that time is mostly determined by the child's maturity and ability to understand what is happening.

 

[lucypevensie]

Our kids (age 5 and 7) lost their great-grandma last fall. We were very open with them about what was going on, and even let them come to the house on her last day where she was in hospice. When she died the next day we took them to the funeral home with us and they got to see the caskets. The visitation was open casket.

We've had lots and lots of talk about death and burial and going to Heaven, etc. We drive by 2 big cemeteries daily and so we see a lot of funerals and burials and caskets just driving around the neighborhood. This has prompted lots of questions and we just answer them honestly and with as much detail as we feel they can handle for their age. Heh, maybe we've been TOO open about it, my 5 year old son has already requested a black metal casket for himself when he goes (because metal is tougher than wood ). He's a kid that says what's on his mind LOL

I think it's important to start early to teach about death and Heaven (like so many other issues in life), that it's not a thing to be afraid of - if You are a follower of Jesus.

 

[Zoomer]

My husband's grandmother died last year and we took the kids to the funeral. She was cremated so their wasn't the open casket to deal with. They were 2 & 3 at the time, and did not really understand. My parents kept them at the back of the church while I was with my husband's family. My daughter still asks where her grandmother is and we tell her that she's no longer here but in heaven. She asked why everyone was sad and we told her that they miss her but they are also happy that she is in heaven.

 

[Kentucky_Girl]

Thanks for the great suggestions. I hope I don't have to use them any time soon though. He is a very smart boy and we have always explained everything to him in simple terms and so far this has worked out fine. In the case of the two people that passed that he was close to they had both been sick so it was easier to explain than if it had been a sudden thing. We decided against taking him to the funerals for them as we weren't sure how much of a shock it would be to see them there. He probably would have been fine but my DH is a real worry wart so we decided not to expose him to that side of it yet.

Any hoo - thanks for the suggestions. I have stored them in my little mind for future reference if needed.

 

[HeatherJay]

He's ready to go to the next funeral. His reaction to the funeral and open casket will depend upon how you have prepared him and what your attitude is.

I remember my very first funeral. I think I was 7 or 8. The deceased was the father of a friend of my parents. The daughter specifically encuraged parents to bring children, even thoughw e did not know her father. She met me at the door and took my hand and brought me to the casket. "This," she explained "Is my father's body. But he's not here anymore. He is in heaven and does not need his body anymore. I am going to miss him very much, but I know he is very happy and I will join him someday when I die." She was so matter-of-fact, calm and smiling. Thre was nothing scary or weird about any of it to me. It was a wonderful introduction to death!

Since then I have been at a funeral home where small children were drawing pictures for Grandpap and placing them in the casket with him. One little girl looked up at me and explained "Grandpap's in heaven now. That's just him body."

I think this is an excellent suggestion. I remember one of the first funerals I took my oldest daughter to was that of my stepdad's father. My Aunt (step-aunt technically) is a 1st grade teacher and many of her students parents came by to offer their condolences. She's such a calm and gentle person anyway, but she would take the children by the hand (if they wanted to go) and take them to the casket and explain,"This is my Daddy and I love him very much, but he doesn't need this body anymore because he's gone to a much more wonderful place, and someday I know I'll get to be with him again in heaven." She was so calm with the children and so comfortable talking to them about what was happening that it instantly put them at ease.

My girls have been to several funerals (they're 6 and 3) and we've had lots of talks about death and resurrection and heaven. I think that sheltering them from such a natural part of life can make them more fearful of it later on...but, yes, each parent definitely has to judge for themselves when their child is ready. It's important to teach that death is not something to be feared, but a natural, beautiful part of life. My pastor never refers to funerals as 'funerals', but instead as a 'home-going'. That's the way that we choose to approach it with our children. Yes, we will miss having those we love with us here, but at the same time, we should also be rejoicing their reunion with the One who loves them even more.

 

[sammipher]

I think letting a child go to a funeral gives them some closure to that person. When I was a child I was very close to an aunt. She kept me alot and I just loved her alot. When I was about six she was diagnosed with cancer. Though it was explained to me I didn't expect her to die. Then when I was seven she passed away. My parents refused to let me go to the funeral. So I think I missed that closure. I couldnt comprehend that she was no longer alive. At the time I was going through an extreme fear of claustrophobia. When I thought of my aunt in a coffin..I thought of how scared she must be in that closed in space...I didnt understand that she was not aware of her surroundings...My mom did try to explain that she was in heaven...later that year I was convinced I to was going to die...I would have passing out spells, panic attacks...it was so bad to the point I was sent to the childrens hospital four hours away from my home, they thought it was my heart...but it turned out to be all panic attacks...I would ask my mom questions like what she would do with my toys when I went to heaven...I believe that if I was able to go to her funeral it may have given me that closure I needed...to understand that yes she was dead..but she was not in her body....it wasnt until one day at sunday school I finally realized that when we die our souls go to heaven and the body remains...then I fully understood that yes my aunt had died..but, she was seeing heaven..not a coffin and dirt...funerals are difficult for adults...but, children have a different understanding I think of what actually happens when death occurs.

 

[Andry]

My pastor never refers to funerals as 'funerals', but instead as a 'home-going'. That's the way that we choose to approach it with our children.

While we may try to dissuade people to think of funerals as other than funerals (a futile attempt IMO) - I've been to unfortunately too many 'celebrations of life', most people, and quite understandibly and respectfully, are mourning and/or grieve-stricken. Most continue to go to these 'celebrations of life' or 'home-going' in black, with dour faces and hushed voices. And of course a favourite song that will no doubt reduce many to tears.

As has been said, death is more difficult for the living than for the dead. But I like what Gandalf said from LOTR at the very end before he sails into the west: "I won't say don't cry a tear for me, for tears are not always evil." Or something along those lines.

IMHO, not a pleasant time for most, and very difficult at best for our kids. And while I echo the opinion that parents know their kids best whether to take them a funeral, I think it's obvious and prudent to fully discuss before and afterwards any feelings, questions, or fears they may have.

 

[TwinCrier]

My kids have attended several funerals with me and have always behaved themselves and handled it well. However, yesterday when out Triops all died suddenly, 2 of my kids ended up in tears. Grief is a hard thing to explain. I remember bawling after the 9-11 attack, but I have attended funerals of close family and never shed a tear. I don't understand myself why I react as I do. I good story for explaining death to children is the parable of Waterbugs and Dragnflies.

 

[MaddiesDad]

I think it's always best for a child to get their first funeral experience with someone that they know but are not emotionally connected with. If the situation comes up with a neighbor, family friend or church member, I'd take my child to one of those. My son was 5 when a neighbor that he liked died. I explained to him what was going to happen at the funeral, what she was going to look like etc. When we went, he was prepared. It was very sweet to see him go to the casket and tell her good-bye. He understood. It was very touching. But it prepared him and now if someone would die more closely connected to him, he won't be unexperienced.

Well said and I think everyone here had the right approach really I just cant quote you all. I work in a crime lab setting and deal with death daily which my daughters have come to ask about,and feel at times sad about. God gives life and recieves us back when time here is up.Funerals are hard on everybody.I attend them frequently but even at 30 years of age,it an emotional drain.