I've been on forums for a while now.
First time I have ever been on a christian forums.
I became a christian in the beginning of '08.
My childhood is wrought with molestation.
I knew both my parents but for the early years of my life I did not live with either of them.
I feel in my heart and I know that I have been deprived of the physical and emotional holding and love a mother could provide.
This has lead to a part of me wishing to be held and cuddled, to have unconditional love.
I know my mother loves me, but the child inside of me doesn't feel it.
At the age of 8 my cousin (She was 8 as well) found my uncles porn and introduced me to it.
(She would go to forever ask me for sex even though she didn't understand it, until she got to highschool and lost her virginity to one of her many boyfriends. Of course I don't mean to speak ill of her, just a mere background of what me and her have gone through.)
At 8 I liked looking at it but didn't know why.
It wasn't until I was 12 going on 13,
When I had demanded (When I was ten) to live with one of my parents.
I wanted to go live with my father, for I had live with my mother til I was five, then moved in with my aunt.
The reason I could never live with my mother and father was because my mother kept having kids and couldn't afford to support many kids, also wanting me to have a chance at a better life with my aunt.
My father went to college for 10 years.
His pursuit of knowledge led him on a rather selfish course for a while in life.
(Before he was a christian himself.)
Again I mean no ill will, merely stating for background purposes.
I lived with my father for a year while he was at college.
But I hardly saw him.
He was at class fulltime and had two part time jobs.
So I spent a lot of time alone.
at the age of 12 I somehow managed to end up with my mother.
My mother says my father never came to get me.
my father says my mother never gave me back.
I'm 18 now and I still don't know who's telling the truth.
My mother found ways to support herself by costantly having a boyfriend.
She didn't like to be lonely, I understand that now.
Her first boyfriend is the strongest point of my sexual abuse/assualt.
He molested me and one of my other sisters.
Suffice it to say he taught me how to touch.
This would lead to what would seem an addiction to pornography.
But that wasn't the case as I've just now figured out like 10 minutes ago.
But I digress for a bit.
My mother had a nasty habit of telling her current boyfriends that I was a problem child.
(Sure I acted out sometimes, but her basis of this accusation rested solely on the fact that she expected me to do things she or no one else taught me to do, for example, getting out and pumping the gas for her. I was always just told to sit in the car, but she would get so angry with me when I failed to do these unspoken things for her.)
Her boyfriends would then threaten me physical and to send me to juvie, emotionally scold me, or physically hit me.
She also did this with my grandfather before he passed away.
I suffered through such physical abuses through her many boyfriends til I was 16,
Wherein my father had moved back to near my hometown and I moved in with him and his best friend.
The school they wanted me to go to in that district was terrible in the least and I refused to go back there.
(When a school spends more money on security then education something is amiss.)
My father wouldn't let me go anyhow, he said he gave me the choice to see how I'd choose and that he didn't intend to let me go to that school.
So I dropped out.
My father never really got around to homeschooling me.
He wasn't in a university anymore and spent most of his time working.
I took a few college classes at a community college.
But at the time I wasn't at the top of his list.
I spent the next to years cleaning, somewhat learning things, playing video games and being an isolationist, only talking to people online.
We moved to another state for a while and now I've moved back to my homestate.
My father has a wife now and lives in the other state still.
My father's priorities have gone from school to work to his new family.
He has a kid on the way.
it was rather painful to listen to them talk with other couples,
Hearing my father say "When we have kids.."
When I was right next to him.
He loves me, i know this,
But I have neither the relationship with my father or mother that I would like to have.
I'm living with our old roommate, his best friend.
I clean for him and helping him move stuff out of a house that is about to be foreclosed on.
I've been going to my original E-Free church here in my homestate.
I've an interest in this girl we go to church with,
She's 15 I'm 18,
I know this,
But I'm not interested in her for sex,
I just want to spend time with her.
Yet I feel in today's society I'd be labeled a pedophile becuase i'm interested in a girl just three years younger than I.
That everyone (including her mother) would so question my motives for wanting to be around her.
I have an oppurtunity to be close to someone and have a meaningful connection and relationship.
Yet there is so much wrong with me.
My sexual abuse as a child has left me reliant on masturbating.
I hate it so much.
If I don't touch I get perverted thoughts
And they get worse and worse.
The only way that has been most effective in stopping this is release such as masturbation.
I have no love for porn nor an addiction to it.
I use it only to stop myself from becoming what I fear ever so much.
Statistics show that most abused become abusers themselves.
I don't want that.
I want a family.
I want kids.
I'd like to have a chance with her.
Even if it means spending the next three years of my life having her mother with us at all times.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't want to touch.
I know I shouldn't and it makes me feel so dirty.
But if I stop I utterly become a perverted me.
The few alternatives I can think of aren't practical.
I judge myself so harshly I have no self-esteem.
Does anyone have any advice?
First time I have ever been on a christian forums.
I became a christian in the beginning of '08.
My childhood is wrought with molestation.
I knew both my parents but for the early years of my life I did not live with either of them.
I feel in my heart and I know that I have been deprived of the physical and emotional holding and love a mother could provide.
This has lead to a part of me wishing to be held and cuddled, to have unconditional love.
I know my mother loves me, but the child inside of me doesn't feel it.
At the age of 8 my cousin (She was 8 as well) found my uncles porn and introduced me to it.
(She would go to forever ask me for sex even though she didn't understand it, until she got to highschool and lost her virginity to one of her many boyfriends. Of course I don't mean to speak ill of her, just a mere background of what me and her have gone through.)
At 8 I liked looking at it but didn't know why.
It wasn't until I was 12 going on 13,
When I had demanded (When I was ten) to live with one of my parents.
I wanted to go live with my father, for I had live with my mother til I was five, then moved in with my aunt.
The reason I could never live with my mother and father was because my mother kept having kids and couldn't afford to support many kids, also wanting me to have a chance at a better life with my aunt.
My father went to college for 10 years.
His pursuit of knowledge led him on a rather selfish course for a while in life.
(Before he was a christian himself.)
Again I mean no ill will, merely stating for background purposes.
I lived with my father for a year while he was at college.
But I hardly saw him.
He was at class fulltime and had two part time jobs.
So I spent a lot of time alone.
at the age of 12 I somehow managed to end up with my mother.
My mother says my father never came to get me.
my father says my mother never gave me back.
I'm 18 now and I still don't know who's telling the truth.
My mother found ways to support herself by costantly having a boyfriend.
She didn't like to be lonely, I understand that now.
Her first boyfriend is the strongest point of my sexual abuse/assualt.
He molested me and one of my other sisters.
Suffice it to say he taught me how to touch.
This would lead to what would seem an addiction to pornography.
But that wasn't the case as I've just now figured out like 10 minutes ago.
But I digress for a bit.
My mother had a nasty habit of telling her current boyfriends that I was a problem child.
(Sure I acted out sometimes, but her basis of this accusation rested solely on the fact that she expected me to do things she or no one else taught me to do, for example, getting out and pumping the gas for her. I was always just told to sit in the car, but she would get so angry with me when I failed to do these unspoken things for her.)
Her boyfriends would then threaten me physical and to send me to juvie, emotionally scold me, or physically hit me.
She also did this with my grandfather before he passed away.
I suffered through such physical abuses through her many boyfriends til I was 16,
Wherein my father had moved back to near my hometown and I moved in with him and his best friend.
The school they wanted me to go to in that district was terrible in the least and I refused to go back there.
(When a school spends more money on security then education something is amiss.)
My father wouldn't let me go anyhow, he said he gave me the choice to see how I'd choose and that he didn't intend to let me go to that school.
So I dropped out.
My father never really got around to homeschooling me.
He wasn't in a university anymore and spent most of his time working.
I took a few college classes at a community college.
But at the time I wasn't at the top of his list.
I spent the next to years cleaning, somewhat learning things, playing video games and being an isolationist, only talking to people online.
We moved to another state for a while and now I've moved back to my homestate.
My father has a wife now and lives in the other state still.
My father's priorities have gone from school to work to his new family.
He has a kid on the way.
it was rather painful to listen to them talk with other couples,
Hearing my father say "When we have kids.."
When I was right next to him.
He loves me, i know this,
But I have neither the relationship with my father or mother that I would like to have.
I'm living with our old roommate, his best friend.
I clean for him and helping him move stuff out of a house that is about to be foreclosed on.
I've been going to my original E-Free church here in my homestate.
I've an interest in this girl we go to church with,
She's 15 I'm 18,
I know this,
But I'm not interested in her for sex,
I just want to spend time with her.
Yet I feel in today's society I'd be labeled a pedophile becuase i'm interested in a girl just three years younger than I.
That everyone (including her mother) would so question my motives for wanting to be around her.
I have an oppurtunity to be close to someone and have a meaningful connection and relationship.
Yet there is so much wrong with me.
My sexual abuse as a child has left me reliant on masturbating.
I hate it so much.
If I don't touch I get perverted thoughts
And they get worse and worse.
The only way that has been most effective in stopping this is release such as masturbation.
I have no love for porn nor an addiction to it.
I use it only to stop myself from becoming what I fear ever so much.
Statistics show that most abused become abusers themselves.
I don't want that.
I want a family.
I want kids.
I'd like to have a chance with her.
Even if it means spending the next three years of my life having her mother with us at all times.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't want to touch.
I know I shouldn't and it makes me feel so dirty.
But if I stop I utterly become a perverted me.
The few alternatives I can think of aren't practical.
I judge myself so harshly I have no self-esteem.
Does anyone have any advice?
Read the book of Romans.
