Support thread for partners of abuse victims

[gnine]

I thought that I'd start a thread for partners and spouses of sexual abuse victims, as you are right in the hot seat when it comes to how your partner/spouse copes and recovers from the experience. Also I didn't want to interfere with the other thread on sexual abuse; I thought that it would be best not to divide the exceptionally important conversations taking place on that one.

As the husband of an abuse victim, I know that it is not easy and there are probably times when it all seems too hard. I used to pour it all out onto the pages of my electronic diary, and I remember how hard it was to get support because you're dealing with someone else's wounded soul and you so desperately don't want to make the situation worse.

I'm not going to go into details about my wife's abused past, other than it was sexual, over a long period and from family members under the same roof as a teenager.

Below is an extract from my diary, about mid 1997, I felt like the proverbial bull in a china shop - clumsy, hurt at how I was being treated, angry at her, self pitying of myself, scared of what the future might hold if I married this dreadfully scarred person, but above all, just so confused and helpless.

Flinching from photographs...

[edited]





[girlfriend - now wife... lets call her "B"] mentions that going to the dentist is very hard for her. Think about this and be horrified.



Tursday



I take Tuesday off - it is a bright sunny but cold day. After vomiting from emotion In the shower, I decide that I cant face work today. After [flatmate] has left I sit on the lounge and cry, and cry. I howl out in angish to God, I don’t want to hurt "B". “I Don’t want to hurt her! I don’t want to hurt her!”

A ray of sunshine comes through at a narrow angle, so precise that it only lasts for 30 seconds or so before the angles dont line up and it is lost. The beam of light plays around my face - warming it and surely glistening on my tears. I think I feel the love of God touch me, I am anxious to stay in the beam of light but it moves lower and then disappears, I feel better for some reason.

I so badly don’t want to hurt her, any pain I unintensionally inflicht on her causes me unbeliveably anguish. I understand what David means when her says that he feels weak in his bones. While lying in bed, I barely have the energy to move my limbs - I feel like a crushed bug.


I pray in desperation - I am too weak to continue and I pray that God will strengen me. I go for a walk to Manly via the Spit walk, joining it half way, as per usual. I sit on the Manly sea wall. I request permission to be let into St Mathews church and pray hard for I don’t know how long, but it would be 45 minutes to an hour or so.



Thursday night



I cant go on like this - the burden is becomming too heavy to lift and I can feel muself gradually being crushed as the week progresses. I need support.



"A" calls and wants to know whether should have a chat tonight - I accept with relief. I discrose the entire business to him.

Happy to say that those dark days are well behind us now - we are happily married and God has richly blessed us with each other. Shortly we expect to welcome our first child into our family and both of us are looking forward to the excitement of raising children in the Lord. But she will never be someone who wasn't abused - part of her psyche has been changed and will not be restored until Christ restores all things.

I'm sure that somehow the difficulties that we were forced to confront and overcome have ultimately drawn us closer together rather than forced us apart. But you will need to work at it and possibly learn to love sacrificially like you never would have believed possible. I'm here to encourage you that God can bring good even from evil circumstances and that He may have something wonderful in store for you - and I've certainly learned a thing or two (and still are) in the process.

But if you're struggling at the moment and you need a helping hand... this is your thread:

 

[Suzannah]

I just want to say May God bless all those who come to this thread ...and God bless you for starting it. May He use it to touch people's hearts and heal them. I will pray for you.....
Love,
Suzannah

 

[Vi]

Well, here's a surprise you might not have suspected.

My hubby of 20-some years, is a sexual abuse victim, as well as other neglects and physical abuses.

Let me tell you, the affects of it interfers with each and every situation and every day. The dentist (as mentioned about) and physical closeness... all of every aspect of our lives is haunted by this.

My husband has gone to therapists and scraped the surface. I think it may be more difficult for many men to work through this. I mean I've seen that males are not as easy to talk through things in therapy, or to discuss sexual abuse for more than a couple minutes or just on the surface. It is difficult, to say the least.

I've also had some sexual abuse experiences, and I would never suggest minimizing their severity - but I can say that my husband seems to have been terrorized most of his young life.

I belief that the percentage of people that have been sexually abused is very very high. I also believe a person can have their sexualty abused without physical sex, that the affects of the abusiveness can affect them similarly. I have had much success with therapy and continue to work through these issues. I feel good regarding my therapy, and grateful God brought me to it. To me it means I can bring out the issues when appropriate or desired, I can discuss them, then I can put them back - without causing intense pain and anxiety or transfered reaction as in before the therapy.

So, I feel I have a better understanding of my husband's abuses, yet I also feel that I am the spouse of a sexually abused survivor, or an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse... however you want to word it. I think there is progress made, but I think there are situations that he will possible never approach, he will separate himself from them, and we really need him to be here with us totally, not dissociated from it. Know what I mean?

 

[gnine]

Hi Virakech,

I've thought for a long time about the best way to respond to your post. I guess the one thing that leaps out is that somehow God has bought you together with your husband, and that through your shared background, I think that you probably understand each other in a way which would be impossible for others. 20 years is a long time... congratulations!

I know what you mean by most of the support services being female oriented. A while ago, the government here ran an anti-abuse campaign which was good, but it was very orientated towards females being abused.

I think that this would be very tough for most men - not because they would necessarily want to talk about their abuse, but because society as a whole considers the problem to be a "female" issue. I expect that this would strike at the delicate masculine pride that most of us males carefully protect, and contribute to a profound sense of isolation from other males.

I also believe a person can have their sexualty abused without physical sex,

I 100% agree, based on what I've seen.

I think there is progress made, but I think there are situations that he will possible never approach, he will separate himself from them, and we really need him to be here with us totally, not dissociated from it. Know what I mean?

I'm not quite sure what you mean here... maybe you could explain at some stage if you have time.

Sorry its been so long getting to this thread. I wanted to consider carefully how I replied, and its been a crazy couple of months for me (baby has arrived!).