Suggestions for combating "accidental" abuse

[LovebirdsFlying]

I didn't post this in the Survivors of Abuse forum because I thought it's different when the abuse is not intentional and the person doing it really does care how you feel. All they need is an education.

Today I needed an emergency therapy session, and tomorrow I go back for a more thorough one. It so happened the therapist I saw today on an emergency basis is none other than the one I see routinely. God is good like that. Well, the therapist knows me, and he knows both my background and my present situation. His evaluation in a nutshell is that I am in fact being invalidated, countered, and gaslighted, but unlike the abusers of my past, the people now doing it don't realize they're doing it. That's the difference between what's going on now, and abuse. An abuser's words are deliberately calculated to get under your skin. The person doing it ignorantly isn't trying to upset you.

And that's why I'm offering these suggestions. The link is to a Yahoo article demonstrating different types of verbal abuse that will eat away at a person with depression, as it has been doing to me.

Types of Verbal Abuse

I'm citing as examples the types of verbal abuse I am most likely to encounter, and offering an alternative way to phrase it so that it doesn't SOUND the same as the abuse I've been hit with in the past, and won't be as likely to trigger depression.

The form of abuse: Denial.
Definition: Claiming that the event in question did not happen, when it did.
Example: "I never said that."
It translates to: Either "You're lying," or "You're delusional."
The problem: It calls into question my character and/or my perception of reality, and therefore sanity.
An alternative: "I remember it differently." This allows for two different perceptions without calling one right and the other wrong.

The form of abuse: Discounting.
Definition: Minimizing and devaluing another's feelings.
Example: "It's nothing to get upset about. You're too sensitive."
It translates to: "There is something wrong with you. Normal people wouldn't react the way you did."
The problem: Not only does the original incident hurt, but now there is salt in the wound. I have been insulted twice.
An alternative: "I can see it hurt you." Show support for the hurt feelings without evaluating whether or not the feelings have a "right" to be hurt.

The form of abuse: Countering.
Definition: Disagreeing with or challenging anything the other person says.
Example: "No, it is not. You're wrong."
It translates to: "You're stupid for thinking that."
The problem: It calls my intelligence into question.
An alternative: "It looks a different way to me." Again, individual viewpoints allowed without judging one or the other.

The form of abuse: Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.
Definition: Insulting remarks passed off as humor.
Example: "I heard that man compliment your singing voice. He must be tone-deaf too."
It translates to: "This is what I really think of you, but I'm pretending it's a joke so I can get away with saying it."
The problem: Chips away at self-esteem, then leads directly to the Discounting, above, when "you can't take a joke" is thrown in.
An alternative: If you must joke, do it in a way that builds up. "You keep singing like that, I'll have to charge admission."

Of course, an abuser will scoff at these alternatives and blame the victim for being hurt by the abuse. An abuser wants his/her victim torn down, not built up. These suggestions are for those who are truly well-meaning.

 

[redblue22]

You gave some great examples. When they happen, I start to feel like I am even worse and maybe crazy. I remember as a kid things getting so turned around that I would actually be the one apologiznig--and they would forgive me!

The examples are forms of people avoiding what is clearly real. It reminds me of defense mechanisms. (I certainly do not believe in psychoanalysis) But you might find a list of defense mechanisms to be interesting.

Abusers who need education? I don't know about that. I mean, I wish people were just in the dark. But I'm inclined to think people are really smart. I mean, I've known people who are super smart who do abusive things and then act in the dark about it. And even if they are in the dark, it doesn't stop it from harming me. And once they are brought to light, they often close their eyes and refuse to see. That is intentional.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I went through that with my first husband. The "he must be tone-deaf too" insult is one he actually did use on me. If I ever confronted him on something he did that hurt me, within five minutes he'd have the conversation turned around to where I'm begging his forgiveness for everything *I* ever said or did to *him.* Of course he deliberately kept my self-esteem knocked down to nothing at all times. If I figured out I was worth something, I might decide I don't deserve his mistreatment, and leave him. As it turned out, he was right about that. I did leave him, and well I should have.

The difference between someone being an abuser, I think, and someone who merely needs education, would lie in their response to these suggestions. My present-and-forever husband might say things similar to the above without realizing they are abusive, but once educated either by me or by a counselor, he will stop it. Examples of things he used to say but doesn't anymore are, "It's nothing to cry about," "You're trying to pick a fight," and (oh boy, did this one rub me the wrong way!) "Because I said so." On the first one, he learned that if I am crying, I obviously feel I have something to cry about. Just because HE wouldn't cry about it (he almost never does, in any case) doesn't mean I shouldn't. On the second, he figured out that I don't like fighting any more than he does, and I wouldn't "pick" one on purpose. On the third, I think maybe he said it to me once, and never again. I don't think a parent should even say it to a child, at least not routinely. And I'm his wife, not his child.

When things upset me, my husband does learn from it. That's the difference between him and an abuser. If someone does take these suggestions, I would venture to say that person is not an abuser at all. An abuser would not take them.

 

[redblue22]

I do want to thank you for posting this thread. I didn't even know there was an abuser area on cf. Kindof a touchy topic for me being so new for me to face. I know how to do the research, but I don't want to. A friend gave me a booklet, and I love reading, but I won't touch it. But I do appreciate you sharing all this. I suppose I'm a bit on the other side of the fence trying to accept that anything wrong happened or tempted to make excuses that everyone really meant well and it was all just accidental. And I don't think that. But your post has given me the idea that I might go a bit too far if I think it is all intentional and that people never stop. But then I don't know if anyone ever has stopped after I responded. No, I don't think anyone has. As far as I know it seems there is a weird cycle of abuse, neglect, and abandonment. Usually when I was asking forgiveness it was for responding to whatever they did. Not anything I ever did wrong. In the last month it has started to occur to me that I didn't deserve a lot of stuff.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

You're welcome.

There is a Survivors of Abuse forum in Recovery. It isn't as active as Depression. I wish it were.