Stumbling Block / Adultery

alio · Mar 16, 2004

I came across the topic Marriage after Adultery from last year and it's prompted me to start another similar thread about my own situation. I'll try to give you as much information as possible and in as concise a way as I can.

My partner (yes, partner) and I met over 3 years ago. At the time, I wasn't a Christian but he was. He was also married. We began a love affair, fully aware that he was committing adultery. After about 2 years, he left his wife (who is also a Christian) to live with me.

Several things have happened in his life over that period (including leaving his wife) that have left him quite severely depressed and needing help.

I became a Christian late last year and initially found a great deal of peace. Recently I've been very troubled by my relationship with my partner.

He always felt, from the very start, that God had a hand in our relationship. I know this might seem hard to believe, considering he was committing adultery. There were just too many "coincidences." But now that, through my relationship with him, I've been brought to the Lord - hallelujah! - we both believe he has been right all along and that this might just have been God's purpose in bringing us together.

We have a very deep love for each other and continue to feel this is (not to be too presumptious) God-sent. We're both deeply aware that we are outside God's law but cannot manage to separate. Even before I became a Christian, I prayed for guidance for my partner regarding our relationship and we both continue to do so now. I've offered to let him go and he has told me he doesn't want to let me go.

My pastor (I say "my" because my partner doesn't go to my fellowship or any fellowship at the moment) has advised that my partner tries to reconcile with his wife. My partner firmly believes, on his own part, that it is too late for reconciliation. He has moved out for the time being in order to have time to himself to sort out where he's at (so to speak!) and to receive treatment for his depression.

My partner's wife, who I've never met, has shown great generosity and forgiveness to me and was instrumental in bringing me to the Lord by giving me a particular Bible that really helped me on my journey. My partner and his wife continue to have a close, platonic relationship and she has even offered that, if he decided he needed somewhere to stay, he could live under the same roof as her and they'd split the house between them - ie they would not live as husband and wife.

Ok - to my point. I cannot find a way to reconcile our adulterous relationship with the Bible and what I understand are God's commands for us. Yet we firmly feel the hand of God in our relationship. We feel that God isn't finished with us yet. We pray daily for guidance and for His will to be done, but we continue to want to love and be together. My partner feels convinced that there is a way to reconcile this and that we will be shown it eventually. We do not want or intend to end the relationship, though we're both very aware that it may come to that in the end.

In a moment of magnanimity, I've suggested to him that he moves back in with his wife and tries to reconcile with her. He isn't keen as he feels there's no chance of reconciliation, they can only ever have a platonic relationship, that he wants to be with me.

In the meantime, we both find it hard to find any peace. The situation appears to be a stumbling block in my Christian journey, at least at present (but not always), and it's most certainly a stumbling block in my being accepted by my church, presumably because I'm not leading a Christian life.

I'm not touching on the guilt that we both feel for the situation we brought about and the overriding need to be together that "allowed" us to override the guilt.

I'm very interested to hear other Christians' viewpoints on this. It's a complex situation and yet could appear very simple - that we must separate. Is the depth of our love for one another - which developed VERY early in our relationship and which we believe (and hope!) is from God - enough of a reason to keep us together? Especially when divorce in my partner's situation and us marrying are both unbiblical.

All viewpoints gratefully received.

ShetlandRose · Mar 17, 2004

Yours is a very complicated situation in which you and your male friend have made very tragic and destructive mistakes. Just because you love each other is not a sign that what you have done has been what God intended. Now that you have become a Christian, I think you are beginning to understand the far-reaching consequences of your actions. Marriage is a lifetime relationship that should never be severed by human action and should not be entered into and then gotten out of whenever one feels like it. God loves people and forgives of course, but your conduct is still not right, and your heart is not putting God first. I understand that you are torn with deep emotion. Your friend's wife has justifiable grounds for divorce, but I assume she has not chosen that option. I hope that you are not waiting for that to happen so that your friend will be free--I will not even think that. Since you are a new Christian, I can only recommend prayer, study of the Bible, and close counsel with a wise and godly pastor, priest, or elder of your Church.

I honestly don't mean to sound harsh, because I do understand that we fall for traps devised by Satan and desires of the flesh and loneliness and such, and I understand your struggle. But now there are three born-again Christians faced with a decision of living for Christ or not for Christ. I hope there are no children involved.

ShetlandRose · Mar 17, 2004

I just want to add that I will continue to pray for you and your situation. I can only imagine how much all three of you are being torn apart because of this. Whatever happens you will have difficult days ahead. I'll put your name in my prayer basket and pray for you every day. My good wishes to you. God is able to abundantly bless you and restore joy if you will give it all to Him.

alio · Mar 17, 2004

Thanks for your response, Shetland Rose. I very much appreciate your intention to pray for us - thank you.

To answer your question about children - partner's wife and children are all grown up and married so no *young* ones involved.

I think that what I find most difficult is the idea that (dealing with only myself and leaving the subject of my partner's salvation to one side for just now), having now become a Christian, other Christians expect me to dismantle the life I had built before I became one. It would be like asking you or anyone else to leave your husband or wife, the only difference being that you were "enlightened" when you met whereas I was in darkness. (I am aware of the sad irony in what I'm saying, considering my partner left his wife.) As these (bad) decisions have already been made, the clock can't be turned back and life has changed for all of us, what I'm looking for is the way to go forward and make the best of an (already established) bad situation.

And yet, leaving the old life behind is perfectly Biblical! What disturbs me is that I don't want to - yet the Holy Spirit, if I am truly filled with it as a born-again Christian, should make me want to. There are so many different aspects to this...

I suspect I'm rambling. Thanks for your good wishes.

Protestant Minister · Mar 17, 2004

Have you heard the expression,"love is blind"?That's what I keep seeing in your message.Over and over again you describe how God is trying to get you and your boyfriend out of adultery.But you're not accepting or even aware of God's leading in your life.You can be assured that God did not lead you into your sin.In fact it's blasphemous to state that.Satan is the one who sets things up for people to easily fall into adultery which is such a serious sin that it condemns its participants to hell.(1Corinthians 6:9-10)Please stop blaming God for your sin.That's a perfectly horrible sin in itself.It is Satan that brought you and your boyfriend together.Give blame where blame is due.

Of course you and your boyfriend have tremendous love for each other but it's more important to have love for Jesus.And Jesus said IF YOUR RIGHT HAND CAUSES YOU TO SIN,CUT OFF YOUR RIGHT HAND.So now it's just a question of deciding that eternal life with God makes alot more sense than the temporary pleasure of the flesh in a dying world.

alio · Mar 17, 2004

Protestant Minister said:
Please stop blaming God for your sin.That's a perfectly horrible sin in itself.It is Satan that brought you and your boyfriend together.Give blame where blame is due.

I understand that you must feel that I'm wrong in thinking that God had a hand in bringing my partner and I together, but to say I blame God for my sin is inaccurate, not a little insulting and, in my opinion, rather a strange way to interpret what I've said.

One thing I'm certain of is that none of us knows God's purpose and reasons for what happens in this world. I've never stated that God definitely had a hand in our relationship, only that we both believe it, especially in light of the key role my partner played in bringing me to Christ. Clearly you disagree and that is your prerogative.

I'm taken aback and disappointed by the tone of your response. I don't expect solidly-based Christians to support me in this situation but I do expect, strangely enough, some understanding and compassion. And help to find my way forward.

God bless.

Ceris · Mar 17, 2004

Alio, I apologize for Protestant Minister's post. While I know he means best, his style in dealing with others is a bit . . . . confrontational. Shetlandrose, in my opinon, has offered you some good advice. I wish I could offer you some advice. I may be more mature than my age, but I admit this situation is simply beyond my realm of experience. There are a few older christians that I know and trust that might be able to offer some solid advice. I will speak with them and see if they have anything to say that would help this situation, and then post back later.

alio · Mar 17, 2004

Another thought - in crediting Satan, you give him power and ground. My love for my partner and his for me is not "temporary pleasure of the flesh" - very very far from it. Perhaps we are way of beam - and if you think so, do tell me - but we thank the Lord for our blessed love for one another. Is LOVE wrong?

I think this is where I get so confused - because we love each other very deeply. And that love just doesn't feel wrong... even though the circumstances of it do.

alio · Mar 17, 2004

Ceris, thank you! I needed to hear a gentle voice too. (I'm sure Protestant Minister is old enough and big enough to apologise for himself if he wants to!) This situation is bad enough and I need help, not condemnation. I'm visiting my pastor tomorrow to talk to him about it. I'll be very interested to hear what the more experienced Christians you know have to say, thank you for offering to talk to them for me.

God bless.

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Mar 17, 2004

I do have to ask how you feel this is God's will, being that His word teaches how He feels about it. To know whether or not something is God's will, you can't go according to your feelings, but according to God's word as revealed in scripture. Anything contrary to it is sin. Just a note: It's really important not to rebuke God's saints who are giving you the truth, even if you don't like the tone, because you do have to remember that you did break up a home and cause this man to fall away from the Lord. This situation is very serious. Not only the adultery, but crediting God for it and saying it is His will-friend, that is very serious. Please remember, God is extremely powerful. He is Deity. If the man brings you truth and you rebuke him for it, you are rebuking the Lord who sent him to you, to deliver you from sin and the results of sin through knowledge of the truth.

Here is what God has to say about it:

The sixth comandment:

Exodus 20:14

20:14Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Matthew 5:27-30

5:27Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

5:28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

5:29And if thy right eye offend F11 thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:30And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

I'd end it with this man and tell him to return to his wife, since you aren't married. For it is written:

Malachi 2:16

2:16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

(Putting away refers to divorce.)

Please, for the sake of your faith and all your souls, please break it off with this guy immediately. Sex is for marriage only, between two people who are married to each other only. But if you are divorced, you are required to remain unmarried.

You'll be in my prayers.

alio · Mar 17, 2004

Thank you for your reply, Whitehorse.

Whitehorse said:
I do have to ask how you feel this is God's will, being that His word teaches how He feels about it. To know whether or not something is God's will, you can't go according to your feelings, but according to God's word as revealed in scripture. Anything contrary to it is sin.

I do agree with you, believe it or not. This is what I say to a friend who is trying, in my opinion, to create her own version of Christianity (including telling me, if I'm certain God has His hand in our relationship, to find a church that agrees with me!). My partner has always believed that God had a hand in our meeting (I didn't even believe in God at the time). Now that this relationship has brought me to the Lord, he firmly believes that his role was to help bring me to God and I'm inclined to agree with him. Satan does not bring souls to God. But clearly we could both be very wrong... Perhaps instead God has brought some good out of a bad situation (i.e. converting adultery into a soul saved) but that would then imply that God is not in control. The truth is that none of us can know for sure.

One thing that is sure is that, because of this relationship, I am saved, by God's grace and Christ's sacrifice. We all fight with sin, my sin is only one of many and no better or worse than anyone else's. My uneasiness about our relationship, telling my partner to try to reconcile with his wife and even these posts asking for help, I think indicate that I'm on the right track.

We both feel that God is not finished with us yet... Clearly we could be deceiving ourselves about it all. Perhaps the real answer is to trust that the Lord will show us the way forward.

Just a note: It's really important not to rebuke God's saints who are giving you the truth, even if you don't like the tone

In my own defense, I didn't rebuke Protestant Minister for giving me the truth but for interpreting what I had said as me blaming God for my sin, which was very far from the truth.

because you do have to remember that you did break up a home and cause this man to fall away from the Lord.

While I fully accept my responsibility in this situation, isn't this an example of laying all the blame at the door of the "other woman"? My partner went looking for someone and found me; he made the decision to leave his wife and break up their home. Yes, I was involved and had a lot to do with it, but there were two of us involved. I didn't seduce him away from his wife.

This situation is very serious. Not only the adultery, but crediting God for it and saying it is His will-friend, that is very serious.

I hear what you're saying and take it on board. Can you not think that God could use a sinful situation to his own ends?

Thank you for all the Bible quotations and references. I've read all of them before, often.

But if you are divorced, you are required to remain unmarried.

I disagree with you there. Matthew 19:9 implies that my partner's wife could marry again, because my partner has committed adultery against her. I can't quote the verse because it'll open over this window and I'll lose what I'm typing (for the third time!).

Please, for the sake of your faith and all your souls, please break it off with this guy immediately.

I wonder if you would be so earnest with someone who had lied, or who had coveted their neighbour's car, or stolen a pen from the office... It's very noticeable that people get much more emotional about adultery than about bearing false witness, covetousness or stealing (to mention only 3 of the remaining 9). I'm not being facetious, I am genuinely curious about this. Is it because there are many other mentions of God's opinion of it in the Bible than there are about the other 2 sins I've mentioned above?

You'll be in my prayers.

Thank you, I'm grateful for your concern.

God bless.

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Mar 17, 2004

Certainly, I know God can take a bad situation and turn it into good, and if it's bringing you closer to the Lord, that occurence is good, but the relationship still needs to be repented of and forsaken. And I'm not saying the paertner is without guilt by any stretch of the imagination, but what I am saying is, this is very serious and God isn't smiling on it at all. So I certainly wouldn't say He brought you together, but rather that He worked in mercy, despite what was taking place.

Yes, I would absolutely respond the same way no matter what the sin is, although it's true that this is far more serious for several reasons:

1. It includes the physical body. All other sins are committed outside the body, but this is unique. (I'll get the scripture for you tomorrow; I don't have my Bible with me at the moment to look it up.)

2. Marriage isn't just an earthly convention; it is a type, or a symbol. A sacrament. A prophecy, if you will regarding the union of CHrist and the church. So this adultery testifies to something that can never happen between Christ and the church, and is perhaps one of the reasons this is so serious.

3. If you're professing Christ, and if your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, think about what adultery does to the temple. God likens false gods to spiritual adultery. So it's like burning a sacrifice to a false god in the Lord's temple. Particularly dangerous to the soul.

4. If you're professing Christ but still committing adultery, you're bringing dishonor to His name and will cause onlooking unbelievers to become justified in their rebellion against God. In the end, this could and for many will cost them to lose their souls.

5. What happens in this world isn't the end of it. We will be judged for every word, thought and deed, good or bad. Some say we just show up to get the reward. This is not scriptural at all.

6. If others fall into sin on account of our actions, we are held accountable for it in the next world and this one, too.

7. This will do lifelong damage to his wife and their children and may even impact the marriage choices of his children.

But you're right-there is no such thing as a little sin. Yes, I'd respond strongly for any sin someone felt was little, because that's how sin always starts. But if we do not resist the lesser temptations, what will become of us when the bigger ones come?

But the true question now is, what are you going to do with this relationship tonight, knowing full well you can't remain with this man? This will be the true test of your love for Christ.

We'll be here to support you along the way as you seek to do the will of the Lord. It won't be easy, but you're doing the right thing by talking about it. It's the first step to doing what you need to do to get your relationship with the Lord on track. And for seeking to do what is right, you will be blessed in the end.

Grace to you,
Whitehorse

fishstix · Mar 18, 2004

Perhaps God meant for the two of you to be friends and to share the love that friends have for each other, not the kind that is meant for husband and wife. Your friend could lead you to become a Christian without taking the relationship to where it is. It seems that the relationship that the man now has with you and the one with his wife are backwards. Whether they can be straightened out now is hard to say; it would seem that the first step would be admitting that you have taken things in a direction and to a level that God did not intend.

ashlee · Mar 18, 2004

My love for my partner and his for me is not "temporary pleasure of the flesh" - very very far from it. Perhaps we are way of beam - and if you think so, do tell me - but we thank the Lord for our blessed love for one another. Is LOVE wrong?

END QUOTE

if he loves you so much, why doesnt he marry you? if youre married its not considered adultry...

alio · Mar 18, 2004

Hi Ashley

ashlee said:
if he loves you so much, why doesnt he marry you? if youre married its not considered adultry...

I'm afraid that's a matter of opinion / interpretation. He would have to divorce his wife or his wife divorce him and even if we married (assuming we could find a pastor worth his salt that would marry us, which is a contradiction in terms, in my opinion), it's my opinion and that of my pastor that our relationship would still be adultery.

I've been to see my pastor today. Just as I felt that if I didn't want to burn in hell for eternity, I had no choice but to accept Jesus as my Saviour, so I realise we (my partner and I) really have no choice here. Not if we are live Christian lives and glorify God.

I can see that this is what I have to aim for, if I am to glorify God as I should. Right now every bone in my body is crying out, "No!!" My partner is very upset and cross with me for thinking this way (naturally) and we're arguing bitterly (long distance). Right now I don't feel anything like strong enough to do it. I waited all my life for a relationship like the one I have with him and now I'm being called upon to end it. I know the Lord will fill any gap that's left by losing my partner but, right now, I just want to die. I cannot bear the thought of losing him. I don't know that I will be able to do it. I can only pray that the Lord will give me strength to do His will.

Of course the alternative is to NOT live Christian lives and NOT glorify God...

TheOriginalWhitehorse · Mar 20, 2004

That is a hard decision. And it's great you really want to do the right thing. That pleases God. The good news is, you don't have to rest in your own strength, but trust in Him for His. Just hand it to Him and trust that somehow He will give you that strength. THe trust is really the hardest because, ironically, it's the simplest. But if you're counting on Him He will come through for you.

It might help to get away from the guy for a few days to go and think. Read scripture and helpful Christian literature. Sometimes it isn't always just that sin itself is so enticing, but sometimes temptation can seem intimidating. But I really think you can do this, and it's why you came here in the first place. It's a really good sign!

One thing that might make it hard is the idea, as you said, that you feel like you found the perfect guy. What might help is to remember that sin is always sweet for a season, but once it turns bitter, you won't feel the way you do right now. So if the situation is going to change into something you don't want, and with sin it always does, why not let the situation change on your terms and win God's favor, rather than have it change on sin's terms and leave you feeling bitter toward God?

My friend, take advantage of God's mercy. Run with it. Be a good steward of it. You have so much to do for the Lord. A big adventure waiting. But you can't go on that adventure with the Lord and be with him, too.

I know it isn't going to be easy. But you'll be so glad you did. The Lord is the only One who can truly satisfy. Praying for your strength.

IslandBreeze · Mar 20, 2004

I personally don't care what you 'feel' that God is doing in your life. I can tell you straight up that He is NOT supporting nor having His hands on this relationship, and you are in no way shape or form glorifying him with this relationship. It is a sinful, lustful adulterous relationship, and I am quite sure He is less than pleased with you and your 'partner.' My dad cheated on my mother the whole 19 years they were married. Once she kicked him out (after he was living at our home and his 'partners'), he went from woman to woman to woman. Besides, if he cheated on his wife, how can you sleep at night, or ever let him out of your sight? You are the one selling yourself short here. If you don't let him go, you will never be able to glorify God the way He would want you to. And what if God has a better man out there? Someone with no baggage, and someone who will marry you so you don't have to continue to live in sin? Seems to me you don't really care what God or the Bible thinks, you want everyone to justify your inappropriate behavior. Sorry, you aren't getting that from me.

When you accepted Christ as your savior, you REPENTED of your sins. Repentance means to turn away and STOP sinning. You KNOW you're sinning, and yet you continue to do it. That's not repentance.

You don't need advice from us. You need to go pack you 'partners' things and send him on his way.

alio · Mar 20, 2004

Thank you Cammie for such sound wisdom and understanding. NOT. You know nothing of our circumstances but are very quick to judge AND condemn on the basis of your own experience. If I didn't care what God or the Bible thinks, I wouldn't have posted here. You need to grow up a little before you start giving others your shallow advice. Fortunately I have counsel of wiser people than you. Besides it's in God's hands.

alio · Mar 20, 2004

Cammie - forgive my anger. I don't take kindly to being judged and told I don't care about God or the Bible by someone who knows so very little about me.

IslandBreeze · Mar 20, 2004

I'm not judging you. I'm just not telling you what you want to hear.

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