I'm awake in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I've been laying here wrestling with my OCD. My current obsession is about repentance and about whether or not I have a genuine desire to repent from my sins, especially lust. I keep finding myself tempted to think lustful thoughts and desiring to give in (though I don't, for the most part.) But I feel like I'm only not giving in out of fear of the blasphemous thoughts it will trigger, not out of a genuine desire for God and what's good. In fact, I'm really struggling with my lack of desire for what is good.
Before the OCD, whenever I struggled with lust, I knew that even when I gave in, it was wrong and I ultimately didn't want to do it. That was my basic orientation on the matter. Ever since this OCD crisis started, though, I feel like I lost that orientation. Now it feels like I try harder to avoid sin, but only out of fear of having blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit and being damned. Otherwise, it feels like my basic orientation has switched to where I want sin more than I want God and, in fact, don't even want God at all. I just want to give in to lust (even though I don't) and have cursing/blasphemous thoughts at the Holy Spirit. This causes me great fear and anxiety and makes me feel like something has really gone wrong in me spiritually. I'm in despair. I feel like I've lost the ability to want God, and am really a phoney Christian, at best. At worst, I feel like I've hardened my heart against God and have committed the unpardonable sin and these evil desires just serve as the proof.
The strangest thing about it all though, is that another part of me is afraid to not have the blasphemous thoughts, because I'm afraid that without the fear they cause me to have, I'll just go back to casually sinning/lusting and won't care, and will fall away from God. So I feel trapped in this place with no way out. The worst part is that I had a few pretty good weeks before all of this started up this week and thought I might be on the road to recoavery. Now I just feel hopelessly corrupt and lost, cut off from any hope of salvation or genuine desire to please God.
Anyway, sorry this was kind of long. I'd appreciate ay feedback or insight anyone could give.
Before the OCD, whenever I struggled with lust, I knew that even when I gave in, it was wrong and I ultimately didn't want to do it. That was my basic orientation on the matter. Ever since this OCD crisis started, though, I feel like I lost that orientation. Now it feels like I try harder to avoid sin, but only out of fear of having blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit and being damned. Otherwise, it feels like my basic orientation has switched to where I want sin more than I want God and, in fact, don't even want God at all. I just want to give in to lust (even though I don't) and have cursing/blasphemous thoughts at the Holy Spirit. This causes me great fear and anxiety and makes me feel like something has really gone wrong in me spiritually. I'm in despair. I feel like I've lost the ability to want God, and am really a phoney Christian, at best. At worst, I feel like I've hardened my heart against God and have committed the unpardonable sin and these evil desires just serve as the proof.
The strangest thing about it all though, is that another part of me is afraid to not have the blasphemous thoughts, because I'm afraid that without the fear they cause me to have, I'll just go back to casually sinning/lusting and won't care, and will fall away from God. So I feel trapped in this place with no way out. The worst part is that I had a few pretty good weeks before all of this started up this week and thought I might be on the road to recoavery. Now I just feel hopelessly corrupt and lost, cut off from any hope of salvation or genuine desire to please God.
Anyway, sorry this was kind of long. I'd appreciate ay feedback or insight anyone could give.
