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Struggling with something...

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gracefulone1980

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I have a friend (not close, but still friends) that I have known for about 6 years now. Our kids play together often and our husbands worked together for about five years. I have always known that she is very liberal, they attend an Episcopalian church and their pastor from what I have been told is homosexual and drag queen by night. Not really sure I understand that. Anywhoo, over the last few months she has really been posting some things on facebook that is pretty offensive to conservatives. She is also a writer and has a blog that she writes pretty funny stuff, but even some of that lately has been offensive. As for the blog, I just choose not read it, not biggie. My issue has been with what she posts online about the small minded (aka conservatives), pretty much anytime there is something in the news about controversy and homosexuals she is bashing conservatives.

I'm a little offended lately and my feelings are on this are that just because we've done the same research and read the same stuff and came to different conclusions does not mean that I am not as educated, ignorant and small minded.

I don't want this to interefere with friendship. I do like her and her kids are darlings, but this is bothering me so much. I really do believe that two people can have different beliefs and still get along, at least I thought they could. I do tend to overthink things, I suppose. I don't even know if I have a question in this post either. It's just been bugging me and I need to get it out. Am I just being silly here...
 
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Lutheran021342

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To say you are being silly is a vast underestimate of your intellect in this situation. It is often easier to dismiss a view as "uninformed" or "incorrect" rather than to consider that one's view is not the only option. The debate on homosexuality is a great example. Liberals consider the conservative perspective bigoted, whereas conservatives often accuse liberals of missing the underlying principles that the belief and moral structure is based on. To be able to coexist with people of such differing perspectives, I have found it helps to be able to step away from ones beliefs to rationally analyze the other side and accept the process if not the solution. If you cannot convince her to at least consider your views as a valid option and her bashing of them offensive, there is always the "acquaintance" friend level on facebook which allows you to see her posts when you specifically ask for them. Some of my most extreme conservative and liberal friends have been moved to a special list so I can get updates from them when I want to and can still avoid the politics most of the time.
 
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gracefulone1980

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I get what you are saying and thanks for responding. I guess for me, I always thought we had a mutual respect of each others views and lately it seems as if there are two different versions of her. The one I know as a friend who feels that it's okay to have different beliefs and the other who thinks conservatives are ignorant to the views of current society. (By the way, I do have some people on that list where I do not see their posts. I may be adding her as well.) I feel this is more than just what she posts on facebook, it's becoming insulting (in my opinion) towards individuals who believe differently than her. She has made some comments on playdates about people in general who are very religious. I don't know. Like I said, I know she feels very strongly about her views as I do mine and I suppose the difference is that I may not agree with what someone else is doing, but rather respect that we came to different decisions and I try really hard to respect it as I feel it is not my job to judge. I don't know...

 
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Resha Caner

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gracefulone1980 said:
I guess for me, I always thought we had a mutual respect of each others views and lately it seems as if there are two different versions of her.
Click to expand...

It doesn't sound like she has said any of this to you - it's just what she has written on her blog. That's not unusual. The relative anonymity of the Internet leads people to be much more aggressive - much less respectful. People write things on the Internet that they would never dare to say to your face.

It would probably be equally difficult for you to broach the subject with your friend. You are basically saying you don't want to rock the boat. You don't have to come at her directly, but if it bothers you that much, I think you should try to open the lines of communication ... maybe just a little bit at a time ... with something you might disagree with her about, but that won't cause an immediate explosion.

Once you establish a "safe" environment for a mature discussion about uncomfortable topics, it might get easier to bring up the tougher ones.
 
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gracefulone1980

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She hasn't said anything to me directly about my personal beliefs, but in conversation she has said things to me about 'other' people and their beliefs. Maybe I need to gently let her know that it offends me in a way that does not hurt our friendship. She has made comments in conversation about people that are 'super-sensitive' to these subjects. Maybe my openness has led to confuse her...

She has told me and that she is aware that some of the things she says, either in her writings, facebook or in person will hurt others feelings and that she is willing to sacrafice their feelings to get noticed. (She is trying to get a publisher.)

I think you are right and somehow I will try and get it in the open how I feel without rocking the boat.

Thank you for your response.

 
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Resha Caner

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gracefulone1980 said:
Thank you for your response.
Click to expand...

I pray it will go well for you.

There was a point in time when I had a few uncomfortable discussions with my dad due to differences in our beliefs. It wasn't fun at the time, but I think our relationship is now much stronger for having done it. When people approach such things in love, after prayerful consideration, it can produce a blessing.
 
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PursueTheTruth

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I listen to that stuff on the radio all the time. I dont take offense. Ignorance is not something to take personally. If she displays ignorance of your position, it does not look bad on you but it does on her. You can try to help her better understand conservatives. Whatever you do, don't allow her beliefs to cause you become hurt or defensive. You have to show confidence in your stance while staying open for change in a positive direction if she happens to present you with some new information. Be informative and stay away from generalizations and judgements. They usually end up as over exaggerations of the truth. Try to understand her and why she has those views. In the end you may find that you disagree with her but can understand why she feels the way she does. This can make a world of difference when interacting with someone with very different beliefs.
 
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gracefulone1980

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I really appreciate your advice and I am trying really hard to follow it. I always tell my children that we don't have to agree with what someone does or thinks, but we can try to understand their point of view. (and here I am having difficulty.) For the most part, I do understand why she feels this way. I need to try harder. My 'what would Jesus do' method needs to be strengthened in this situation. I am working on it. Fell asleep reading my bible last night.

 
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PreachersWife2004

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People on both sides need to understand that there are real people on each side with real feelings.

I had to defriend someone the other day because I answered a FB post on her wall with a question she didn't like, so she went off on me and ranted and raved and swore at me. I didn't care about the ranting and the raving, but I have kids who look at my facebook and who can follow those conversations. I don't abide much for swearing.

But truthfully, it sorta hurt to see her write those things about me, even if ultimately she doesn't believe them. She got several thumbs up for them, which tells me a lot about her friends.

Those aren't the types of friends I'd want - people who "like" cutting other people down.

So make sure your friend knows that you also have feelings and that some of what she is saying is offensive to you. It seems she's looking at the big picture right now and not realizing that her words apply to you.

Hope it all works out...
 
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