Struggling With perfectionism

Elijah Barrett said:

I've been having a great deal of perfectionism lately and it sometimes feels unbearable. I've actually always have been a perfectionist since early childhood but lately its just got out of hand. It has seeped into every area of life whether it be my relationship with God or even people, school work, my musical passion, or simple stuff like brushing my teeth. As for my relationship with God It constantly feels like I have to read the Bible and pray a certain amount to feel like I'm sufficient enough- my intention is to actually learn but I feel the real reality is to please my wanting to be perfect. When I do it I try to do it perfectly and because of this I often waste time. I've resorted to reading one verse a day and praying smaller amounts of time(for daily time with God). My dad often gets disappointed when he asks about my quiet time with God and with me not reading the Spiritual posts he makes. As for school work it sucks- I constantly feel like I have to achieve the most top grades(like having a 93 and above). I do mostly do well but its often tiring and frustrating. The only thing that isn't working is my spanish class. Being a online class I have gotten so behind in it due to laziness, depression, and perfectionistic stress. It stresses me out so much- that if I don't get it done my dad is going to get really mad at me. As a result I often get sick with nausea or a stomach ache, and have a panic attack. because of the stress I can't focus on it and forget what Im learning so I can't make any progress. I actually had to leave school early one day because I was really feeling nausea from the previous night. As for my musical passion(composing electronic music for currently 3 1/2 years now), I can rarely get stuff done(it has gotten a little bit better)- I'm always worried about making it perfect constantly tweaking and adding more. At times I just procrastinate(not laziness just part of perfectionism- this also effects other parts of my life). I know in my head that God loves me reguardless of what I do(not meaning its a freedom to do anything) and I already have salavtion as a gift. But to live it out in my heart is a real struggle for me. I don't understand how to both give myself grace but still at the same time pursue getting closer to God.

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Elijah Barrett said:

I've been having a great deal of perfectionism lately and it sometimes feels unbearable. I've actually always have been a perfectionist since early childhood but lately its just got out of hand. It has seeped into every area of life whether it be my relationship with God or even people, school work, my musical passion, or simple stuff like brushing my teeth. As for my relationship with God It constantly feels like I have to read the Bible and pray a certain amount to feel like I'm sufficient enough- my intention is to actually learn but I feel the real reality is to please my wanting to be perfect. When I do it I try to do it perfectly and because of this I often waste time. I've resorted to reading one verse a day and praying smaller amounts of time(for daily time with God). My dad often gets disappointed when he asks about my quiet time with God and with me not reading the Spiritual posts he makes. As for school work it sucks- I constantly feel like I have to achieve the most top grades(like having a 93 and above). I do mostly do well but its often tiring and frustrating. The only thing that isn't working is my spanish class. Being a online class I have gotten so behind in it due to laziness, depression, and perfectionistic stress. It stresses me out so much- that if I don't get it done my dad is going to get really mad at me. As a result I often get sick with nausea or a stomach ache, and have a panic attack. because of the stress I can't focus on it and forget what Im learning so I can't make any progress. I actually had to leave school early one day because I was really feeling nausea from the previous night. As for my musical passion(composing electronic music for currently 3 1/2 years now), I can rarely get stuff done(it has gotten a little bit better)- I'm always worried about making it perfect constantly tweaking and adding more. At times I just procrastinate(not laziness just part of perfectionism- this also effects other parts of my life). I know in my head that God loves me reguardless of what I do(not meaning its a freedom to do anything) and I already have salavtion as a gift. But to live it out in my heart is a real struggle for me. I don't understand how to both give myself grace but still at the same time pursue getting closer to God.

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Elijah Barrett said:

I've been having a great deal of perfectionism lately and it sometimes feels unbearable. I've actually always have been a perfectionist since early childhood but lately its just got out of hand.

My dad often gets disappointed when he asks about my quiet time with God and with me not reading the Spiritual posts he makes.

The part about your dad stood out a mile to me as i too had a dad that only gave critique thinking it would show me where i could improve, but it made me cringe when i saw him coming as everything could be done better and nothing was ever
"great effort son, i see what you were trying to do"

I am not surprised you are perfectionist, i would be greatly surprised if you were not.

Don`t get me wrong, i didnt honor my father and this has caused other problems

that i have to own.
He was a good man without a way to express it properly, he didnt have Jesus to help him.
Infact its a bad idea to try and get change in another person, the only person we get to work on is ourself. Maybe your dad will "get it" one day, but dont do what i
did and argue with him until the grave.
Such wasted years and guilt that i didnt show him the love he probably craved, as im sure he had perfectionist mother/father.

Seek counsel from the Holy Spirit how where and when to pray and read etc. Also seek His guidance how to make peace first with your perfectionism, then and then
for strategies to love your dad unconditionally as he craves, and how to avoid being agitated or drawn back into old patterns.
When i prayed before going to visit i had much better times. The times without that quick prayer as i got to his gate, always ended with frustrations and arguments.

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