Aren't you going about what you want wrong?
If your anger has gotten to toxic levels, ask God to help you deal with this anger. It will probably not go away quickly, but God will help you deal with it. Ask Him to soften your heart, give you a heart of peace and of forgiveness (because usually anger is at someone else). Ask Him to show you the way of Christ, because Christ did not have unrighteous anger.
Why are you seeking to pull yourself out? You have not been able to do so so far, so what makes you think that it is something you can do on your own? God will help you, He is there waiting for you to pray, to ask, to believe that He is who He says He is. Did He not love you first? Does He not love you? Yes He does. There is nothing you can do to loose the love of God.
Can I pray with you? I hope it is ok, pray along with me, ok?
"Dear Lord, I haven't always placed my faith in your hands, nor have I always casted my fears and problems upon you. I like so many others, try to straighten out my own life, try to do it all within my own strength, but it is such a burden. Jesus, please help me carry this burden, because I know when You carry our burdens, your yoke is light and it is not a burden for you. You want Your Children to cast their cares on You, because You care for us. This is Your rest that you promise us, that you help carry our burdens when we release them to you in faith. I know it is a process, turning my heart from hate and anger, to love and peace, but I know Your promises to me. That You will NEVER leave me or forsake me. That I am Your Child, today, tomorrow and always. That you do not always move as fast as I would like You to move, but that You do things in Your timing and that faith is what You desire and what I need to commit to. You promise that when we ask for faith, that You will help us and over time we will become stronger in faith. I know You always listen when I pray. When I pray in tears and sorrow and when I pray in joy and thanksgiving. You want me to come to you anytime and always. You want to know me and hear about my life. Any and all of it. No matter what it is or what I am feeling you are there for me and will be always! Amen"
P.S. I have also been suicidal in the past, I have Clinical Depression, but Jesus OVERCOMES all things. You have to know that you are feeling low. You are feeling that you cannot overcome that you cannot get better. But those are "feelings" but God's Word is based on "truth". Feelings change, God's Truth does not change.
I will be looking up some verses for you that tell us what some of God's promises are to His Children. Do not mistake your 'feelings' for what and who you are. Feelings come and go.
