Struggling to function in my life

[Observer]

Hi everyone,

My basic history is: anxiety since I can remember, excessive bullying through school by kids + teacher, parents had no real relationship/abusive then my father left her for another woman and they divorced, I developed severe agoraphobia and panic disorder, left school and didn't leave house for years, met my ex husband online, he is Christian (supposedly), got a job to help him move to my country, left job and did a degree that took 8 years and was very stressful. Got a job halfway through that, ex husband stopped working and got increasingly abusive, I supported us both through 2nd half of my degree, he got more violent, I eventually kicked him out and started a relationship with a man I had worked with for 6 years. We have now been together 2 years. My ex husband met a girl at work and immediately got her pregnant and moved to her country and had a baby.

I feel like I'm not over the stress of my separation, divorce, finishing the degree which I regret even starting, and now I have just given up my permanent job of 7 years to go casual with the same organization. I left because my partner and I were not supposed to be working together. He has a mortgage and I don't so seemed I should be the one to leave. I started another job as well as being casual at my other job which turned into an incredibly unreliable stressful situation and it fell through, which has added to my stress. I'm still waiting on that woman to pay me thousands, a month later, and she is messing me around.
So now I'm still working casual in disability/healthcare field and it's been awful. My shifts are given in a day or less notice and I'm traveling all over my city and have been assaulted by clients, which is bringing up issues I have from my abusive ex marriage. As someone with previous agoraphobia, it's causing me so much stress to be working at 20 different sites, with clients I don't know, sometimes by myself or with a staff member I don't know. I'm starting to struggle to leave the house again. I'm sleeping 12 hours if I get the chance and I often don't eat at all, then if I eat I get sick with stomach issues. I feel like I might be having some kind of nervous breakdown like when I was younger.
I pray but have always been agnostic. My only experience with Christianity was a short lived class in primary school which was mainly doing crafts and my abusive ex husband who refused to help me in a spiritual way and used bible verses against me. We had no relationship in a Christian sense, he was not interested in sharing. So I don't feel like i get anywhere with praying, I don't identify with anything or sense anything but keep praying anyway.
I am really scared Im going to collapse in a heap. My physical condition is not the best as I was an alcoholic and smoker and my back and knees are not great from working in disability for years. I have mostly stopped drinking but have maybe 4 drinks once a fortnight which has been another huge change, and no smoking.
I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted, I'm not sure what to do. I asked about transferring to be permanent somewhere else but it may not happen, plus all the sites have so many issues that put staff under physical and mental stress, bullying as well and abuse by clients.
I have no idea what to do. I feel burned out and like I can't cope anymore. I am competing with hoards of other casuals for shifts, sometimes I might work 50 hours in a week for 3 weeks straight and then all of a sudden I only have 1 shift booked in a fortnight. My phone is going off at all hours and I can't plan anything or organise my life as I have no idea what's going to be happening. I'm doing some 18 hour shifts or doing 2 shifts in a row and eating and getting changed in my car like some kind of vagrant. I've made huge money this month and I am miserable.
My boyfriend is taking me on a retreat for 3 days for my birthday and I'm so scared to go because of the agoraphobia returning. He is understanding but I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and I'm scared of what will happen. I've also had previous issues with people saying I'm evil for getting divorced and having a boyfriend, even though he was abusive and got someone pregnant not long after we separated, I'm going to hell or something. My exes family and friends think I'm some kind of pos.

Just needed to vent, sorry..

 

[ToBeLoved]

Hi everyone,

My basic history is: anxiety since I can remember, excessive bullying through school by kids + teacher, parents had no real relationship/abusive then my father left her for another woman and they divorced, I developed severe agoraphobia and panic disorder, left school and didn't leave house for years, met my ex husband online, he is Christian (supposedly), got a job to help him move to my country, left job and did a degree that took 8 years and was very stressful. Got a job halfway through that, ex husband stopped working and got increasingly abusive, I supported us both through 2nd half of my degree, he got more violent, I eventually kicked him out and started a relationship with a man I had worked with for 6 years. We have now been together 2 years. My ex husband met a girl at work and immediately got her pregnant and moved to her country and had a baby.

I feel like I'm not over the stress of my separation, divorce, finishing the degree which I regret even starting, and now I have just given up my permanent job of 7 years to go casual with the same organization. I left because my partner and I were not supposed to be working together. He has a mortgage and I don't so seemed I should be the one to leave. I started another job as well as being casual at my other job which turned into an incredibly unreliable stressful situation and it fell through, which has added to my stress. I'm still waiting on that woman to pay me thousands, a month later, and she is messing me around.
So now I'm still working casual in disability/healthcare field and it's been awful. My shifts are given in a day or less notice and I'm traveling all over my city and have been assaulted by clients, which is bringing up issues I have from my abusive ex marriage. As someone with previous agoraphobia, it's causing me so much stress to be working at 20 different sites, with clients I don't know, sometimes by myself or with a staff member I don't know. I'm starting to struggle to leave the house again. I'm sleeping 12 hours if I get the chance and I often don't eat at all, then if I eat I get sick with stomach issues. I feel like I might be having some kind of nervous breakdown like when I was younger.
I pray but have always been agnostic. My only experience with Christianity was a short lived class in primary school which was mainly doing crafts and my abusive ex husband who refused to help me in a spiritual way and used bible verses against me. We had no relationship in a Christian sense, he was not interested in sharing. So I don't feel like i get anywhere with praying, I don't identify with anything or sense anything but keep praying anyway.
I am really scared Im going to collapse in a heap. My physical condition is not the best as I was an alcoholic and smoker and my back and knees are not great from working in disability for years. I have mostly stopped drinking but have maybe 4 drinks once a fortnight which has been another huge change, and no smoking.
I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted, I'm not sure what to do. I asked about transferring to be permanent somewhere else but it may not happen, plus all the sites have so many issues that put staff under physical and mental stress, bullying as well and abuse by clients.
I have no idea what to do. I feel burned out and like I can't cope anymore. I am competing with hoards of other casuals for shifts, sometimes I might work 50 hours in a week for 3 weeks straight and then all of a sudden I only have 1 shift booked in a fortnight. My phone is going off at all hours and I can't plan anything or organise my life as I have no idea what's going to be happening. I'm doing some 18 hour shifts or doing 2 shifts in a row and eating and getting changed in my car like some kind of vagrant. I've made huge money this month and I am miserable.
My boyfriend is taking me on a retreat for 3 days for my birthday and I'm so scared to go because of the agoraphobia returning. He is understanding but I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and I'm scared of what will happen. I've also had previous issues with people saying I'm evil for getting divorced and having a boyfriend, even though he was abusive and got someone pregnant not long after we separated, I'm going to hell or something. My exes family and friends think I'm some kind of pos.

Just needed to vent, sorry..

I think it does sound like you are extremely burnt out and really need to fight out how to destress.

Something really great seeMs to be great is your birthday retreat. I would take time to really plan this to take care of yourself.

Do not worry about what other people say. Have you repented and asked God’s forgiveness? If yes, let it go. Just tell people you have repented and God has forgiven you and then don’t let them bring it up again. If they do, repeat the same thing. Keep repeating the same thing and they’ll get that idea. Sometimes you have to establish boolundaries with people.

 

[Bob Crowley]

Not sure where to start, as you have a number of issues.

One is obviously your work. Are you able to change to another employer who is less demanding of your time?

Your boyfriend seems to have your welfare at heart. While I'm Christian, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon with accusations about living together, but in the long run I think you need to consider marriage.

I grew up with an abusive father, mainly emotional, so I've got that much in common. I've also had issues with previous employment, but the current work environment is pretty good, apart from the usual difffering viewpoints of management and employees.

In my life however, there were a few things that helped to sort out the mess -

1. Becoming Christian, right at the worst point in my life.

2. Being lucky enough to have an outstanding pastor when I converted. He did discourage me somewhat, but I learnt a lot from him.

3. Being in a church with some personable young people, including the pastor's family (I'm a lot older now, and I've become Catholic since then, but still it was a considerable help).

4. Joining Toastmasters - this is primarily about public speaking, but it can do a lot to boost your confidence.

5. Getting involved in some charity work. However I think this is less important for you at the moment as you're already doing a lot of work helping disabled / aged clients(?), albeit getting paid for it.

It's quite possible, you know, that God is using this period of tremendous stress in your life to get you to search for Him. As CS Lewis wrote, "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world".

So I think you ought to start mixing in Christian circles. Maybe find a church where they have a supportive group of like minded people.

There is a parable in the Bible based on what is called the Prodigal Son (or daughter for that matter). Now I don't think you're a real prodigal daughter - you haven't engaged in what might be called "loose living" other than living in an unmarried relationship, and that's understandable considering your personal history.

The usual thing we point to is that the Father came running when he spied the prodigal son far off. But what we usually ignore is that the prodigal son had to come to his senses first, and make the decision to turn towards his father. So with you - I think you need to make a decision to turn towards God, even if you're somewhat uncertain about how to go about it.

And once you've made that decision, God will turn to you. Rest assured, He's there. And he knows what you think, let alone what you do and say.

I think you a bit of divine help, as well as human. But you have to make the first move.

 

[Project Panda]

Hi everyone,

My basic history is: anxiety since I can remember, excessive bullying through school by kids + teacher, parents had no real relationship/abusive then my father left her for another woman and they divorced, I developed severe agoraphobia and panic disorder, left school and didn't leave house for years, met my ex husband online, he is Christian (supposedly), got a job to help him move to my country, left job and did a degree that took 8 years and was very stressful. Got a job halfway through that, ex husband stopped working and got increasingly abusive, I supported us both through 2nd half of my degree, he got more violent, I eventually kicked him out and started a relationship with a man I had worked with for 6 years. We have now been together 2 years. My ex husband met a girl at work and immediately got her pregnant and moved to her country and had a baby.

I feel like I'm not over the stress of my separation, divorce, finishing the degree which I regret even starting, and now I have just given up my permanent job of 7 years to go casual with the same organization. I left because my partner and I were not supposed to be working together. He has a mortgage and I don't so seemed I should be the one to leave. I started another job as well as being casual at my other job which turned into an incredibly unreliable stressful situation and it fell through, which has added to my stress. I'm still waiting on that woman to pay me thousands, a month later, and she is messing me around.
So now I'm still working casual in disability/healthcare field and it's been awful. My shifts are given in a day or less notice and I'm traveling all over my city and have been assaulted by clients, which is bringing up issues I have from my abusive ex marriage. As someone with previous agoraphobia, it's causing me so much stress to be working at 20 different sites, with clients I don't know, sometimes by myself or with a staff member I don't know. I'm starting to struggle to leave the house again. I'm sleeping 12 hours if I get the chance and I often don't eat at all, then if I eat I get sick with stomach issues. I feel like I might be having some kind of nervous breakdown like when I was younger.
I pray but have always been agnostic. My only experience with Christianity was a short lived class in primary school which was mainly doing crafts and my abusive ex husband who refused to help me in a spiritual way and used bible verses against me. We had no relationship in a Christian sense, he was not interested in sharing. So I don't feel like i get anywhere with praying, I don't identify with anything or sense anything but keep praying anyway.
I am really scared Im going to collapse in a heap. My physical condition is not the best as I was an alcoholic and smoker and my back and knees are not great from working in disability for years. I have mostly stopped drinking but have maybe 4 drinks once a fortnight which has been another huge change, and no smoking.
I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted, I'm not sure what to do. I asked about transferring to be permanent somewhere else but it may not happen, plus all the sites have so many issues that put staff under physical and mental stress, bullying as well and abuse by clients.
I have no idea what to do. I feel burned out and like I can't cope anymore. I am competing with hoards of other casuals for shifts, sometimes I might work 50 hours in a week for 3 weeks straight and then all of a sudden I only have 1 shift booked in a fortnight. My phone is going off at all hours and I can't plan anything or organise my life as I have no idea what's going to be happening. I'm doing some 18 hour shifts or doing 2 shifts in a row and eating and getting changed in my car like some kind of vagrant. I've made huge money this month and I am miserable.
My boyfriend is taking me on a retreat for 3 days for my birthday and I'm so scared to go because of the agoraphobia returning. He is understanding but I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and I'm scared of what will happen. I've also had previous issues with people saying I'm evil for getting divorced and having a boyfriend, even though he was abusive and got someone pregnant not long after we separated, I'm going to hell or something. My exes family and friends think I'm some kind of pos.

Just needed to vent, sorry..

Your wost enemy is the inner critic that lies in wait doing pushups on you, you want to hear something good about yourself. But why are you waiting for that to come from the outside? If you are your own best friend, who can take that friend from you? Who can shake you if you at peace with yourself. Forget that inner critic, that's just a voice that expects far too much from yourself.

That being said, no one's going to know how to treat you better than you. You can't hang around this world expecting that from people, yes you will get treated like garbage by some people. But you need to identify those kind of people before you get too involved.
Knowledge is your friend, the more you learn about things, the more power you'll have over yourself and your affairs.