Struggles in Marriage

[Pats]

Several of my sisters here in the Bipolar forum have posted in the High, Low, or Level thread recently about marital struggles.

Since it seemed to be more than one person I thought maybe we could all support eachother in these struggles in a thread set aside just to discuss the issues.

I have had heap loads of my own marital struggles and I think it is about time I share them. Here seems like the best place to me right now.

Gee, well, my first marriage I made plenty of my own mistakes. I had fallen away from following Christ and the Scriptures as I knew I should have been and was pregnant with my son unmarried at 18. I married his dad two months after he was born. We were both young inexperienced with that type of commitment. Also, I was becoming much stronger in my Christian walk after our marriage while he continued to drift away from the Lord. He had been raised a Catholic but showed no interest in anything having to do with any church. That marriage sadly ended after he was unfaithful about 3 years later.

I met my second husband in church. I had spent a lot of time in prayer in Bible study growing ever closer to the Lord and felt the Lord had led me to marry this man. I flat out ignored all the warning signs of his mental instabilities because I knew I had my own problems and didn’t want to judge him for his. I took the Biblical concept of submission way to far over time and allowed this man to control my life to the point where I’d quit talking to all of my friends and family, changed churches over a struggle of his and everything.

He was very mentally abusive to me and my son. He was more physically abusive to my son than I was aware for a very long time. And shortly after our separation, I discovered he had been molesting my oldest daughter and neglecting, possibly worse, our daughter.

I am permanently separated from him now. I know I could divorce him, but I feel very strongly about being called to forgive him. I also feel called to live celibate at the time being. Most days, I feel at peace with these decisions.

Anyway, just thought I’d put a little bit more about me and my personal struggles out there.

Currently, I stay in touch with my husband. I cannot hate him and God has touched me with a love for this man that I nor others in my life really understand. Emotionally, I am often there for him as I can be over the phone and on line for support. He is quite physically and psychologically disabled.

Thank you in advance for your prayers for me and my family.

 

[angelkiss]

I am glad you started this thread.

I have had a looooong two year marriage and sometimes I just want to give up and go on my own. After being cut down, misunderstood, and nagged for the last two years, I'm to the point of numbness. NOW, after all this, he says he'll change. No more hurtful comments that cut down our marriage and me. But, I've heard it all afore and he's backed me into a shell that I don't know if I'll ever come out of again. After so many comments that were better left unsaid, he just expects me to crawl out of that shell and act as though nothing was ever said................I just don't see me doing that.

One of the first things I'm talking about was when I wanted to go to the yearly communion/footwashing at church. He, being a new christian didn't wanna go, and I told him I was going. He got so upset because I wanted to go and not stay home with him, it ended up being a very heated arguement. He didn't understand what it was all about and he knew I'd been looking forward to it for a long time.
When I told him I wouldn't put him afore God, he pointed his finger to the door and told me to get out......only not that kind.

He's always making fun of me and belittling me as a bipolar. He's even made some of my friends and family members mad cause they don't see anything funny bout it and they set him straight real quick.
I have told him ample times, he better watch what he says for you reap what you so...........His comment to that: That would never happen to me...........Umm, yeah okay.

He's always saying he don't understand me or my illness, yet when I give him information or talk to him about it, his mind is always somewhere other than here. Of course, this is someone who once
said mental illness is "over-rated"

The list goes on and gets worse, but highlights are good enough.......how long is one supposed to put up with this?

 

[Pats]

The list goes on and gets worse, but highlights are good enough.......how long is one supposed to put up with this?

I recall when my husband kept on my tail about why I was taking bipolar meds, the first time. And how I didn't need a "shrink" or meds.

I'll keep you lifted up in prayer, sister.

 

[angelkiss]

Thanks so much!
's and es!!

 

[Alive again]

Praying for you both. I remeber thinking I have been praying for GOd to change my husband for 12 years, Why doesn't God do something!

I had to travel a long and bitter road full of sicknesss and anger, but God is working now that I fixed what i needed to in myself. You see, I had place my hubby before God in seeking happiness. Oops, that's called idolatry! Sigh

My hubby I think may have had a break through moment or two this week. One about Christmas gifts, two about chores and honey do lists.

My hubby's idea of how life should work is he goes to wrk and comes home and relaxes. NObady can teel me what to do kind thing. That left everything for me to do and that was just fine with him. We had a dose of reality today in that if you want to life that way you have to earn enough money to pay someone to do it, move to an apt or face reality, chores exist and it is not my (wife) fault that they need done. Hmmm seems obvious, but he really had clung for 23 years to the idea that he shouldn't have to do anything other than go to work. Whthter I worked or not evrything else was my job. We will see if this really impacts behavior or not.

Blessing and prayers to you both.

One of my favorite books that helped me get helathy about myself and my role as a woman and in marriage was

"The Myth of the Submissive Christian Woman" It helped me to understand that my beliefs that I had to do what my hubby said where founded in false thoughts that the Bible does not teach.
Check it out, I found to to be easy to read, biblically solid, and easy to live and LIFE CHANGING.

It put me in a position where I could heal myself and get out of God's way to work in my marriage.

 

[spdnet75]

Wow! Where do I start?

What all of us are talking about in some respect is Co-Dependency. I feel compelled to share my story as a guy because I live on both sides of such an issue and generally speaking, we all do.

I am Co-Dependent in that my Father was a verbally-Abusive alcoholic and Bipolar Sufferer growing up. I am also Co-Dependent in that, for the past 14 years since I was in High School, I have suffered from Bipolar and developed as an Alcoholic and Addict and have in so many ways been the one who has caused the people in my Family to, "Walk on egg shells" around me.

For me, this is especially difficult because I am now aware of how it is that this circle of things affects the people whom I care most for and at the same time, how it is that I've given years of my health to something that has gotten me here, (At the start).

I hope that my liver holds out long enough to make the proper sense of things and make my ammends to those who have chosen to walk with me.

This particular beast may work both ways but, more often than not, hurts one side much more than another.

As one of those children who hurts from decades of this, I hope that I might help you all to find a way to steer the children free while we find everyone's answer.

There's plenty more but, all three of you are my friends and I wish to help.

Stephen

 

[Alive again]

Wow! Where do I start?

What all of us are talking about in some respect is Co-Dependency. I feel compelled to share my story as a guy because I live on both sides of such an issue and generally speaking, we all do.

I am Co-Dependent in that my Father was a verbally-Abusive alcoholic and Bipolar Sufferer growing up. I am also Co-Dependent in that, for the past 14 years since I was in High School, I have suffered from Bipolar and developed as an Alcoholic and Addict and have in so many ways been the one who has caused the people in my Family to, "Walk on egg shells" around me.

For me, this is especially difficult because I am now aware of how it is that this circle of things affects the people whom I care most for and at the same time, how it is that I've given years of my health to something that has gotten me here, (At the start).

I hope that my liver holds out long enough to make the proper sense of things and make my ammends to those who have chosen to walk with me.

This particular beast may work both ways but, more often than not, hurts one side much more than another.

As one of those children who hurts from decades of this, I hope that I might help you all to find a way to steer the children free while we find everyone's answer.

There's plenty more but, all three of you are my friends and I wish to help.

Stephen

Stephen, Thank you! From my perspective you are welcome here! I absolutely agree with you about the co-dependency thing. It is a much bantered about term, but there are times when it truly does apply. Thank you for joining us!

 

[Crystal~Rose]

I must be very careful how I talk about my relationship with my husband I tend to only share the bad and not the good. Sometimes however there is no good to report and I become restless and look for a way to escape the turmoil. It is not easy for me to be in such a difficult situation, at times unbearable. My tolerance level is at a all time low and I almost demand perfection or I am ready to walk out the door. I have endured things that were unacceptable and I feel like emotionally I am so removed its hard to find the want to move forward. I'll add more later hubby is calling me.

 

[Alive again]

I wrote a very long post I hoped would help and hit a wrong button and it disappeared!!! I hate that when it happens, but can only assume today wasnot the day for it. My heart ahces for you and I am praying! May God battle on behalf of your health and marriage!!!

Blessings and prayers!!!

 

[Alive again]

Please pray for me to have wisdom. this my birthday soon andmy hubby tookme out tonight because he needed me along to get my present and had a plan. He then proceeded to pretend he wanted to get me something very nice that I had wanted for many years but truly wouldn't be pratical anymore then laughed and said just kidding and took me to get my real gift and was surprized that I did not seem more excited about my gift and did not laugh at his "little joke" I could not get past the totla shocl that someone could possibly think that a atunt like that should be funny to even respond or process the hurt. I still have barely cried over to what seems like to me an elaborate plan to simple hurt me. Is this just a guy thing I am just not understanding it and I am simple the crazy one or is He the one who is truly out of touch with reality in thinking this could possibly be construed as funny in some reality????

 

[Pats]

Clearly, it seems that you and your hubby have suffered what I hope was a misunderstanding. So sorry to hear you've been hurt.

Lifting you up

Please pray for me to have wisdom. this my birthday soon andmy hubby tookme out tonight because he needed me along to get my present and had a plan. He then proceeded to pretend he wanted to get me something very nice that I had wanted for many years but truly wouldn't be pratical anymore then laughed and said just kidding and took me to get my real gift and was surprized that I did not seem more excited about my gift and did not laugh at his "little joke" I could not get past the totla shocl that someone could possibly think that a atunt like that should be funny to even respond or process the hurt. I still have barely cried over to what seems like to me an elaborate plan to simple hurt me. Is this just a guy thing I am just not understanding it and I am simple the crazy one or is He the one who is truly out of touch with reality in thinking this could possibly be construed as funny in some reality????

 

[lemonflavor]

Please pray for me to have wisdom. this my birthday soon andmy hubby tookme out tonight because he needed me along to get my present and had a plan. He then proceeded to pretend he wanted to get me something very nice that I had wanted for many years but truly wouldn't be pratical anymore then laughed and said just kidding and took me to get my real gift and was surprized that I did not seem more excited about my gift and did not laugh at his "little joke" I could not get past the totla shocl that someone could possibly think that a atunt like that should be funny to even respond or process the hurt. I still have barely cried over to what seems like to me an elaborate plan to simple hurt me. Is this just a guy thing I am just not understanding it and I am simple the crazy one or is He the one who is truly out of touch with reality in thinking this could possibly be construed as funny in some reality????

I used to make little jokes about my wife that hurt her and I didn't realize it. When I realized they hurt her I stopped. But nothing like you describe.

The main thing I wanted to say which may or may not be helpful and may sound like a strange example is:

If you watch Funniest Home Videos (TV show in USA) there are a lot of practical jokes shown where the people in the video all think it's funny and the people watching TV must think it's funny (I assume) but the person on the receiving end doesn't always unless they are one who gives and receives these types of things and can have a good laugh with them. But me and my wife mostly think they are just cruel and don't find them funny at all.

But it seems part of our culture and even more part of human nature if it's this prevalent and seems to be accepted in general. I'm sure there are a bunch of psychological reasons behind it which you probably know more than me about.

I don't have any advice other than to pray that God would soften his heart and that he would see your hurt. If I can see a look of hurt on my wife's face it breaks my heart. And in the past I sometimes didn't realize it until a long time afterwards.

 

[angelkiss]

I am a very easy-going person and I can laugh at the simplest of things. For instance, I broke my toe and I actually laughed about it. Now, if that's not easily amused, I don't know what is!
Thing is, there are some things that I take very serious, and this past Valentine's Day, hubby cracked off at my daddy that he better get in there and get this "ugly old woman" and see if she's ready to go home. I instantly took that to heart and it hurt my feelings really bad. He apologized, but it still didn't take it away. I was so upset. Especially knowing that that's all I got for Valentine's Day was a crude comment. The things that I take very very seriously are God, family, and my illness. Sure, we joke around and cut each other down about little things and say negative comments, but never would I take things to the extrememe, even joking, and say something like that to or about him. Not even out of anger. I guess that's why it hurt so much. He on the other hand cracks off jokes about everything. I've called it to his attention numerous times that there are things to joke about and things to not. The three mentioned are things to not, to me anyway.

 

[berry2000]

I like the idea of this thread. My hubby and I are considering therapy. We just can't seem to communicate and we get stuck in horrible cycles of putting each other down. We are truly in love and our marriage is workable. NO abuse or anything. He struggles with my moods swings and doesn't know what to do has trouble just doing nothing when I'm swinging low. He also has some other issues counseling could address. My/our biggest problem is....my lack of sex drive...I'm like 99.99% sure it's the medication...but it seems to risky to mess with what is working. Anybody else have this problem?

 

[spdnet75]

Hmm. I can understand why it is that Alive sort of welcomed me here based on my comments.

I can also see that, without a significant other, this is not my thread.

Stephen

 

[Alive again]

God is a God of redemption and reconciliation. He allowed this to become another place where I could. God utilized this horible incident to allow me to say some things in truth and love that I hope will help not only my hubby in his faith and battle with depression, but helped us to put this behind us and move on and work as a team thru a rather disastrous trip up north where nothing happened as it was planned. We actually survived it without yelling at each other and maintained our focus of being frustrated with a situation and not with each other, another recent discussion we had invovled this concept. I pray that my hubby is realizing that sometimes I do have good thoughts about things that will improve our reltionship and I pray for the day when he will also have these type of ideas. Needless to say, his thoughts were to just forgive and pretend like this horrible things that hurt me never happened and my point was lets not hide it under the rug, but talk it out in forgiving it so it becomes healed and part of our past. Take it to the cross for redemption, do it GOd's way to heal it, not just never be allowed to talk aobut it because we are ashamed it happened, but bring it into the light of God's love to wash it clean and go on in forgiveness and able to hold our head up without shame for it is covered by the blood of the lamb.

Hard to do but oh so worth it. God has allowed us to do that and it has become healed and past! What an amazing God we serve!!!

 

[Alive again]

c

I like the idea of this thread. My hubby and I are considering therapy. We just can't seem to communicate and we get stuck in horrible cycles of putting each other down. We are truly in love and our marriage is workable. NO abuse or anything. He struggles with my moods swings and doesn't know what to do has trouble just doing nothing when I'm swinging low. He also has some other issues counseling could address. My/our biggest problem is....my lack of sex drive...I'm like 99.99% sure it's the medication...but it seems to risky to mess with what is working. Anybody else have this problem?

Absolutely look at counseling. It may taake a few tries to find the right one. A christin one can make all the difference in the world, but the one our insurance covers is nonChristian and I just pray for God the Holy Spirit to turn his heart like that of one of the Kings (bible verse) and I am amazed at the good advice he gives despite totally disagreeing with our world view, but he has always been respectfull of it as our choice, where some nonchristian counselors are not able to do this.

This type of counseling has made a world of difference for us, but we both had to be willing to look at things and to change things!

Blessings and prayers!!!

And yes, absolutely I have that lack of sex drive issue in spades. I have tried to give my hubby some tips such as if I am manic liek good modd-make hay while the sun shines. . .

But other than that have not found much else to do. I am also menopausal and dealing with the old hormones not making me interested as well. Sigh!! But I would not consider changing my meds as it is the only one that has ever worked for me and had basically tolerable side effects and there are no others that work in eaxctly the same way per a local neurologist.

 

[Alive again]

I do want to encourage you all. I was so broken hearted when I posted the incident with my hubby, but I am trying to be very careful that this is a thread where we can be honest and minister to each other adn also not have it become a "just bash yoru spouse thread" either. So I hope we can find this balance here. Because many of us are in pain in our relationshsips and this illness definitely effects relationships. So let us help each other as well as safely share our hearts!!!

 

[berry2000]

I have come to the realization that I cannot fix my marriage and that something about it indeed malfunctioning. I am choosing to turn it over to God. I wish I had to come to this conclusion out of some sort of piety but it was indeed desparation. I have no idea how to fix my marriage. I don't even know where to start. So because of a good sermon I am going to start with prayer.

Just thought I'd share this with you all in hopes that it may offer some encouragement. And to request your prayers.

 

[Alive again]

Praying with you. My marriage is also goign through arough spot where God is reminding me to deal with myself and leave my hubby to my hubby and God. Tis hard enough for me (could that be my poor boundaries!) , but when I see my hubby hardening his heart and diggin in with bad habits and issues that hurt me. . .well, I am reminded that I just haven't found my balance yet in speaking up kindly for myself, and not allowing myself to be treated that way without trying to tell him how to change and make himslef better. Hmm, I keep trying to paly God in my hubby's life, maybe that is why God has no room to work!!!