Strong Willed 3 Year Old

[FaithInChrist85]

My husband and I have a very stubborn and strong willed 3 year old. We have problems at home with her talking back and being very defiant. Well, now she is doing some of the same things in daycare. I feel bad because it looks as though we don't discipline her. She acts like we let her have her way when she gets hard to handle, but if anything, it is the opposite. Once she starts to throw a fit about something, I usually push harder to make sure she knows that she can't have what she wants while acting like that. In turn, i get more defiance. It just seems as though things are getting worse.

So far, we have put a box in the house that holds toys that she refuses to pick up. When she refuses to pick up toys, they go in the box for week. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. We are big on time outs in our house. I know it is taking effect because she doesn't like us and gets very angry when she has to sit in a time out. In her words, "I hate you" and "you are bad". I try to sit down and talk with her and tell her that those words are not okay. She is starting to say them less, but it hasn't stopped completely. I want to teach her to make good choices herself without me having to use force (picking her up and carrying her to time out, avoid picking up her toys for her to put them in "the box", etc.) And I want to stop the back talk...not just to me but also to her day care providers and her friends. I'm running out of ideas. I am not for spanking. I think she is just one of those kids to has to learn the hard way and pushes her limits. Any ideas is appreciated.

 

[gracefulone1980]

Have you tried positive reinforcement, rather than trying to out-stuburn her? Negative feeds off negative and it sounds like that is exactly what is happening.

I really suggest reading this book. The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining,Tantrums,and Tears: Foreword by Tim Seldin (Pantley): Elizabeth Pantley: 9780071471596: Amazon.com: Books

 

[FaithInChrist85]

Thanks for the advice. I will definately have to pick up that book. I give her lots of praise when she does something well that we have been struggling with, but she just has those moments when she just doesn't feel like doing what she is asked and retaliates big time. Another thing I've tried is giving her options and letting her make more choices. I've briefly thought about doing a sticker chart or something. But I can't see that working well with her.

 

[gracefulone1980]

Welcome to the world of three year olds! lol I think age three is one of the hardest ages for moms and kids. They are stuck between being a big kid and a baby and there is lots of frustration. I would continue to provide lots of choices-it seems to make life easier. They really didn't get to choose what they are doing, but they are having a big part in it. Another piece of advice is don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles wisely. While on one hand we want to provide direction, sometimes not making a big deal makes a big difference. Definately get the book-it's awesome!

Hang in there-it doesn't last long and they are only this age once. =)

 

[CareyGreen]

In my experience as a Dad, Pastor, and Counselor I have found that following the Bible's guidelines for discipline is best. Spanking, while greatly misunderstood by many, is still one of the main disciplines prescribed in the Bible for children. When done appropriately, surrounded with love and acceptance, the problems you are seeing will be fading memories within a month's time. Because the subject is misunderstood and mis-characterized so often, I've written about this subject on my blog. So if you are interested you can check it out.

 

[akmom]

When I read your post, I got the impression that you might have some precocious expectations about three-year-olds. It sounds like she is very verbal for her age. But you may have to take that with a grain of salt. Kids learn all their words and phrases from adults (or television and older siblings, if those are present). They have a basic idea of what it means and when to use it, but to some degree it is still mimicry. "I hate you" and "You are bad" and "I am frustrated" are all interchangeable in her mind. I doubt you'd be upset if she said, "I am frustrated." But the fact is, that is all that those phrases mean to her right now. They are expressions of frustration. Don't get hung up on the terminology, because that is a vocabulary issue, not a behavior problem by itself.

At this point, focus on addressing the sources of her frustration, so you can avoid them or teach her how to deal with them. I have found that the single greatest sources of frustration for my 3 kids are fatigue and digressing too much from a routine. Child development experts concur. If your child is tired, she will become frustrated by anything. Timeouts, spankings, and withholding toys will not solve the problem; she needs a nap. Put her to bed.

We all want our kids to be able to handle anything life throws at them. But young children need a routine and that is a fact. Being flexible and resilient to chaos is simply not a developmentally appropriate skill for a three-year-old. If you expect it of her, then you will both just get frustrated. Walking is an important skill too. But if you were to carry your 6-month-old under the shoulders all day, trying to make him walk, and occasionally letting go to really trigger his instinct to do it himself, then you would be frustrated and so would your child. Walking is simply not a realistic expectation for most 6-month-olds, so parents wait until their babies are ready. Similarly, if your child is constantly resisting you and other caregivers, then she is not ready for the situations you are putting her in. She needs a routine that she can count on.

Kids will accept almost any routine, as long as it meets their basic needs. It just takes time and consistency. Don't rush to punish her; simply demonstrate the routine. Do it every day. If it is time to pick up toys, then sit down with her and start picking up toys. Put a toy away, then hand her a toy to put away. If she refuses, then ignore it and move onto the next toy. Put it away. Gently use her hand to put the next toy away. Don't wait for a response or approval from her. Move onto the next toy. Ignore resistance. Keep going back and forth and including her. Thank her each time she does participate. After a few days you will see that she accepts this routine. Soon she will not need your help. She will understand that it is her job and there are no other options and she'll just be used to it.

Once she starts to throw a fit about something, I usually push harder to make sure she knows that she can't have what she wants while acting like that. In turn, i get more defiance.

A successful technique at this age is redirection. Remove her from the situation and place her in a different situation with a new focus. When she is older, you can teach her about handling frustrations. For now, we redirect because they lack the problem-solving skills necessary to "get over it." The best way to resist stubbornness is to not react. That doesn't mean ignore the child; it means ignore the options she is giving you. Don't give in, don't punish. Just redirect. (Ignoring kids completely does not solve the problem. Children need attention.)

So far, we have put a box in the house that holds toys that she refuses to pick up. When she refuses to pick up toys, they go in the box for week. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.

Toddlers benefit most from swift and short-term discipline. It is unlikely that a three-year-old will remember what happened for an entire week. And they're not going to "think back" on things yet. So she is not going to sit there and wonder, "Where is my red fire truck?" and then realize, "Oh, I disobeyed Mom four days ago and she put it in the bad box." She is only going to want the toys she sees. She may have a favorite toy that she does think about when not in sight, but having it taken will just make her find a new one, not make her contemplate past behavior. I would rethink that form of discipline altogether for a few years.

I think spanking is effective as a last resort, but if you have to spank, then it's because you haven't achieved your goals through effective teaching. I think every one runs into times when spanking needs to come into play. But if you're spanking all the time, you need to reevaluate why you are not able to teach good behaviors in the first place. I think that once you establish that your child is getting rest and has a routine, then the behavior problems will go away. When you stray from the routine, or she gets overtired, then expect a behavioral backlash. Don't take it out on her; just correct the circumstances. This technique has really, really worked for me.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I am not for spanking

Perhaps you should have been

 

[Eloy]

Who is the boss, you? or the 3 year old? If you are the boss, put your foot down. Make it explicitly clear, zero tolerance for misbehavior. Toys? Tell the bad child, one more back talk, and all you little one will personally give all of your toys away to a charity. No entertainment, no watching television, no outdoor playing, et cetera. Get right little one, else pay the price for your foolish disobedience. Learn righteousness, learn goodness, learn to obey your parents, else suffer the consequences. In the old testament whenever a child disobeyed their parents, that child was taken out into the center of the people, and they were stoned to death as an example that the sin of disobedience will not be tolerated. I don't advocate that extreme, but to have zero tolerance for disobedience. Raise up the child in the way that they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it. Amen? Amen.

 

[akmom]

So a toddler that "back talks" once loses all her toys and any other fun you can think of? Wow, then what? Shall you buy her all new toys, or is she destined to a life of boredom? Or did you not think that far ahead? Surely a child that young who experiences nothing but negative reinforcement and deprivation will learn nothing but resentment.

If you connect with your child lovingly, they will want to please you. If they have a choice between whatever disappointment made them lash out in the first place versus the wrath of mommy, then there's really nothing worth aspiring to. It's one thing to teach a child that they do not get their way all the time. But if a child is always acting out then there is an underlying problem to resolve, and that is a parent's responsibility (not the child's). All the meanness in the world will not change that.

 

[ex-pat]

I'll add to akmom's awesome advice something I've watched. Three-year-olds get VERY absorbed in what they are doing, and very easily overwhelmed. The toys issue should be dealt with by teaching the child to put away toys, puzzles, or books before moving on to the next toy, puzzle, or books. That can be accomplished readily by being with the child when she plays and then, when her attention turns to something else, saying "We should put this puzzle away before taking out the legos so the puzzle pieces don't get lost". Teach with a REASON. Add that if she cleans up as she goes along, she will not have to face a huge mess at the end of the day. Also, DO help your child by giving appropriate warnings...such as "It's bath-time soon, so finish your game quickly because in five minutes you need to start cleaning up." Child "What's five minutes?" Then set a timer, and when it goes off, have her pick things up. Pre-schoolers, like toddlers, do not transition particularly well, and so a reminder that clean-up time is coming is helping them transition, easing tantrums and frustration. (Think about how you'd feel if your spouse were to abruptly turn off the TV and tell you to do something right now, or tell you to stop reading your newspaper or being on CF ~RIGHT NOW~. There'd be some resentment there, for sure! While a parent should be obeyed, that parent will get more obedience without as much fussing or tantrums if she/he stops to think what this looks like from a child's perspective. (For those who think parents don't do this, I watch my godchild's mother do it constantly....no warning, just "Put your things away now." Then the inevitable either meltdown or preschool version of lalalala I can't hear you...literally two seconds later the mother is screaming that the child never listens (me, I couldn't have crossed the living room in the time between orders) and so she'll throw out all the toys. More meltdown. Every time I've asked her to start putting her toys away in a few minutes because it's story time/dinner time/bath time soon, she obeys at once. Never a whine. Obedience to parents is NECESSARY, but the Bible (Ephesians 6:4, Col. 3:21, among others) tell us not to provoke or be discourteous about it. Discipline can be established easily but not if a child sees things as arbitrary and not taking account the child's needs...then frustration happens, and disobedience. (BTW, a child ignores because they get so wrapped up in things they often simply DO not hear you...a good work around is to go up to the child, put your arms gently around her, and say "Please listen to Mommy. It is time to pick up your toys now." A second cause of ignoring is the idea that if they think you don't think they heard you the first time, they can gain more time...same solution as above)

 

[FaithInChrist85]

Thanks for all the advice. We do stick to routine pretty well at home and daycare. And I do make sure to give my kids advanced warning. What is difficult is finding a means of handling situations that can also be followed through at daycare. We do time outs at home and removal of priviledges (short term), which is also used at daycare in many cases. However, spanking, threatening to punish, raising our voice, picking her up and carrying her, etc is not done at daycare. So therefore, I think that doing these things at home and not being consistent at daycare would cause her to not be clear on her limits and consequences. And, if we are harsher with her at home, she may think that the punishment at daycare is no big deal and will "walk all over" the caregivers (push her limits).

The thing is, I'm not really sure exactly why she does it. I dont' know if it's to get attention, to find her limits, to see how far I will go, or if she is just making a game out of it (or all of the above). I do think that I need to control my reactions more as stated above. Perhaps giving her no reaction (by ignoring her behavior and keeping on her about the task at hand) will help. And I definately agree with making sure that she picks up her toys before getting something else out. From experience, it is a lot more of a struggle when there is a huge job to do in picking up as opposed to a small one. I do know that they enforce that at daycare as well. I try to do that, but when I am in the other room making dinner or cleaning up and am not able to watch them constantly, sometimes I walk into a warzone in her room. And of coarse, I don't have much space in my house to put toys out of reach so that she has to ask for them. I'll have to think about that some more.

Thanks again for all the advice!