Strife in the home...advice needed

[Heart2Soul]

My 37 y.o. daughter lives with me along with her 3 children and recently she has made some bad choices in friends who have gotten her involved in drugs. I continually pray for her but her lifestyle has created a lot of strife between us. When I address her on issues she begins to yell and argue and I have reacted the same.
Just the other day was another one of those times except this time I remained calm and never rose my voice and continued to try to reason with her. Immediately she went into one of her yelling, cursing and disrespecting me modes except this time I said "I rebuke you spirit of strife in the Name of Jesus and command you go and cease this strife attacks between me and my daughter! I pray and ask for a spirit of peace to enter here now, in Jesus Name!" And just like that she didn't say another word, her demeanor changed, and peace entered in.
I am not skilled in spiritual warfare but it rose up in my spirit to say these things.
It only lasted that one day though and now she is back to the same thing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

BTW I should have put this in prayer requests but I don't know how to move it.

 

[faroukfarouk]

My 37 y.o. daughter lives with me along with her 3 children and recently she has made some bad choices in friends who have gotten her involved in drugs. I continually pray for her but her lifestyle has created a lot of strife between us. When I address her on issues she begins to yell and argue and I have reacted the same.
Just the other day was another one of those times except this time I remained calm and never rose my voice and continued to try to reason with her. Immediately she went into one of her yelling, cursing and disrespecting me modes except this time I said "I rebuke you spirit of strife in the Name of Jesus and command you go and cease this strife attacks between me and my daughter! I pray and ask for a spirit of peace to enter here now, in Jesus Name!" And just like that she didn't say another word, her demeanor changed, and peace entered in.
I am not skilled in spiritual warfare but it rose up in my spirit to say these things.
It only lasted that one day though and now she is back to the same thing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

BTW I should have put this in prayer requests but I don't know how to move it.

Hi; sorry about your daughter.

Your quoting of Ephesians 6 in the avatar is very relevant.

 

[Endeavourer]

I assume she is in your home (not a home you jointly support together)?

I would not allow an adult to disrespect me in my own home and continue to live there. I'd sit her down and let her know that as she is an adult you have no moral, legal or ethical obligation to support or house her, and that if she ever disrespects you again that you'll be happy to drive her to the nearest homeless shelter but she will not be staying in your home any further.

In that event, "I'm happy to have the children stay with me until you can find a place, but no adult will treat me that way in my own home while under my hospitality."

I actually did this to one of my kids (after he turned 18). He decided that his big mouth was not as important as the roof over his head, lol.

Sometimes you have to stop protecting people from their own poor behavior. God uses valleys in people's lives to get their attention.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I assume she is in your home (not a home you jointly support together)?

I would not allow an adult to disrespect me in my own home and continue to live there. I'd sit her down and let her know that as she is an adult you have no moral, legal or ethical obligation to support or house her, and that if she ever disrespects you again that you'll be happy to drive her to the nearest homeless shelter but she will not be staying in your home any further.

In that event, "I'm happy to have the children stay with me until you can find a place, but no adult will treat me that way in my own home while under my hospitality."

I actually did this to one of my kids (after he turned 18). He decided that his big mouth was not as important as the roof over his head, lol.

Sometimes you have to stop protecting people from their own poor behavior. God uses valleys in people's lives to get their attention.

Sometimes the 'nuclear option' or the stated possibility of it does work.

 

[Endeavourer]

Also, do watch your own behavior. Yelling in anger is never necessary.

This is another reason to put her out of your home if she can't behave - Proverbs tells us not to dwell with a fool lest we become like him (paraphrased).

Every situation - EVER - can be dealt with in a way that honors your profession and bears a witness to the Spirit that dwells within you.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Also, do watch your own behavior. Yelling in anger is never necessary.

This is another reason to put her out of your home if she can't behave - Proverbs tells us not to dwell with a fool lest we become like him (paraphrased).

Every situation - EVER - can be dealt with in a way that honors your profession and bears a witness to the Spirit that dwells within you.

Good thoughts also.

 

[Rescued One]

Well, for the sake of the grandchildren, I would call Child Protective Services or whatever it's called where you live and ask them to investigate; you can do it anonymously. They don't remove children from the home unless they're in danger. What they do is try to work with the parent(s).

 

[Heart2Soul]

Also, do watch your own behavior. Yelling in anger is never necessary.

This is another reason to put her out of your home if she can't behave - Proverbs tells us not to dwell with a fool lest we become like him (paraphrased).

Every situation - EVER - can be dealt with in a way that honors your profession and bears a witness to the Spirit that dwells within you.

Sometimes the 'nuclear option' or the stated possibility of it does work.

I know this isn't right to allow her to stay but I honestly fear that it will hurt my grandchildren and they would hate me. So torn on what to do...

 

[Heart2Soul]

Well, for the sake of the grandchildren, I would call Child Protective Services or whatever it's called where you live and ask them to investigate; you can do it anonymously. They don't remove children from the home unless they're in danger. What they do is try to work with the parent(s).

So this would actually be a way to get her help?

 

[faroukfarouk]

I know this isn't right to allow her to stay but I honestly fear that it will hurt my grandchildren and they would hate me. So torn on what to do...

Well, the grandchildren can't hear her talk to you in the way she does; this would be very damaging to them.

 

[Heart2Soul]

Well, the grandchildren can't hear her talk to you in the way she does; this would be very damaging to them.

Pray for me that God will give me strength and courage to do what must be done. I think sometimes it is referred to as tough love. But that is so hard for me to do and I would be overcome with guilt knowing I willingly put her on the street with no job, food, or shelter. That is why I am asking God to convict her heart and to open her eyes to the truth.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Pray for me that God will give me strength and courage to do what must be done. I think sometimes it is referred to as tough love. But that is so hard for me to do and I would be overcome with guilt knowing I willingly put her on the street with no job, food, or shelter. That is why I am asking God to convict her heart and to open her eyes to the truth.

Remember, she is in effect refusing your support when she vilifies you.

 

[Endeavourer]

I would be overcome with guilt knowing I willingly put her on the street with no job, food, or shelter. That is why I am asking God to convict her heart and to open her eyes to the truth.

If you gave her a warning that you will put her out if she disrespects you while you provide for her and her children, and she chooses to disrespect you, then WHO, exactly, put her out on the streets?

Her children can stay with you if she has to leave, so even in the even she chooses to evict herself from your hospitality, that doesn't mean her children will be on the streets.

 

[Endeavourer]

Also, is she contributing in any way to the costs of the home? If she has time to do drugs, she has time to get a job and contribute. If she is not using her time to save up money and advance her family towards financial independence, I would let her know that you will need some help with the costs of maintaining a home, tell her she needs to get a job (or more than one job) and start charging her for help with utilities, internet, food and even rent.

I would not enable her to waste her productive time and put her family's financial health on hold just because she has a roof over her head.

It is your choice whether you want to put the rent she pays you into a savings account to use to help the kids in a way that is not enabling her to not provide for her kids.

Many of us held down multiple jobs in moments of financial crisis - it's what you do. She should be working 40 hours per week, at a minimum if she is at such a rock bottom that she needs to move back home and have a parent provide for her.

 

[Endeavourer]

But that is so hard for me to do and I would be overcome with guilt knowing I willingly put her on the street with no job, food, or shelter. That is why I am asking God to convict her heart and to open her eyes to the truth.

If you put her out and she comes back at some time with an apology, you can always take her back in.

I'd say something like this:

"Daughter, I love you with my whole heart and no matter what happens in your life or between us, I will ALWAYS love you. You are more precious to me than anything in my whole life.

However, for the sake of my health, I can't life with this strife in my own home. Although you are in a bad situation right now, I have no moral, ethical or legal obligation to house an adult in my home who disrespects me and treats me the way you do.

If you are to stay here with me, you'll need to treat me with kindness and respect. If you disrespect or yell at me again, for the sake of my health I'll need you to leave my home. In that case, I can bring you to a women's shelter, a Rescue Mission or where ever else you will have a bed to sleep on, but it can't be here.

I can keep the children here for you until you have a safe and stable place for them. You would be welcome to visit them as often as you like for as long as you like, if you treat me respectfully while you are here."

 

[FreeinChrist]

MOD HAT

This thread was moved to Christian Advice so that advice and prayer can be offered.

 

[tturt]

Welcoming you to the forums. Before doing spiritual warfare, we definitely need to be lead by The Holy Spirit. Praying, too.

 

[Rescued One]

So this would actually be a way to get her help?

The grandchildren desparately need help. The problem with an addict is a lot more complicated. They seldom want help. Maybe CPS can advise you there. Some mothers will agree to help; others are willing to abandon their children to avoid getting help. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Three of my siblings have alcohol/addiction problems. My mother has been a co-dependent enabler. I could never get through to her. She kept making excuses. I don't live anywhere near them for obvious reasons.

 

[Rescued One]

If you put her out and she comes back at some time with an apology, you can always take her back in.

Addicts lie. My sister has been homeless most of her adult life. She gets evicted. Then she would prey on my mother's weaknesses and my mother would take her in --- over and over again. My mother was very controlling and they wouldn't get along. One time my mother got a restraining order by claiming my sister abused her. Then she took her in multiple times!

 

[Rescued One]

Pray for me that God will give me strength and courage to do what must be done. I think sometimes it is referred to as tough love. But that is so hard for me to do and I would be overcome with guilt knowing I willingly put her on the street with no job, food, or shelter. That is why I am asking God to convict her heart and to open her eyes to the truth.

My mother is in a nursing center. Now my alcoholic brother has taken our sister in again and that's not good. He can be abusive if he gets fed up with her. She can be very argumentative when she's drunk.