Thank you for all the replies.
It may be irrelevant, but I hadn't the time to mention we had a discussion that turned sour because of her just wanting me to listen to her complain and attacking me when I didn't just nod and agreed. When I finally spoke up in gentleness because she was being unrealistically harsh on people who were showing her kindness, she wouldn't hear it and started putting words in my mouth. I corrected her on her assumptions about me, apologized for upsetting her, and at some point I choose to leave. Politely excusing myself because I did have a lot of work to do but mostly because I felt angry and mistreated and didn't want to say something I'd regret. Which not long afterwards she made a facebook status about how she shouldn't talk with friends anymore because it would burden or cause them discomfort. It was then I wasn't sure how to proceed and created this thread. I haven't spoken with her anymore because I realized no matter what I said (if I spoke truth, and not sugar coated it) she would blame me or herself. I've turned off my chat (our main means of communication). She's still very active online, so as far as I know she hasn't hurt herself.
When I read your post, I heard "toxic"
.
We are to bear one anthers burdens (Galatians 6:2) and be long suffering.
BUT
There are those, and we need the SPIRITS discernment, that are toxic.
They have us 'trapped' in a relationship that is not growing, nor will it, as
long as this pattern continues.
My wife and I do a fair bit of ministry/house church and out-reach.
But there was a gal, that when my wife and her would go out, it was a
rather nasty time. This gal was constantly being rude, and harsh with her opinions.
I would say: "It took my wife 2 days, before she (my better half) would rebound and then,
'yeah, I go my wife back!'"
It couldn't continue, as my wife wasn't able to help (me or family or others) like she wanted to.
This 'conflicting relationship' would simply drain her
and anger her.
So, speaking the truth in love, she explained how this couldn't continue. The gal wouldn't pray about it nor submit to GODS leading, nor want to change
so sadly she (my better half) had to 'end it'.
The joy returned, the strength to help others returned, the peace returned (all fruit of the SPIRIT), in my wife - what a difference!
Sometimes we are to move on, sometimes we've already done our part.
Paul planted, Apollos watered but only GOD makes them grow. 1 Corinthians 3:6
Pray about it, but be ready for some changes.
-eric
Thank you for your words Eric. I don't feel like I have much spiritual discernment right now, but "trapped" and "not growing" would describe our relationship. My friend isn't interested in talking about God or grace or forgiveness anymore because it's "upsetting" but even talking about general positivity isn't working anymore. She kept bringing the big questions and struggles of life, but she doesn't want to hear any perspective other than her own it seems.
You may be right. I may have done everything I could do and God wanted me to do. I'll continue to pray.
I had a relationship that went this direction. It totally confused me. For me, it was a friend who literally expected me to read her mind, and I could not. I finally had to walk away. I am sorry you are going through what you are enduring....
That's how I feel. That she wants me to read her mind and know exactly what she needs when she needs it. It's unrealistic way to view relationships, and I can't cater to unrealistic expectations.
As someone who struggles with depression and anorexia, I can relate to the situation. I know I am so blessed but many times I just feel so unhappy and as if life is not worth living. Most of the time, I try to keep it in and not say anything, but when a conversation gets started, I hate to admit it, but I can be an ungrateful and a complainer. Then I become angry at myself for doing so. My point is this - while it is not a valid excuse - your friend may not truly want to act in this way. Please understand - to those who do not have it - depression can alter one's thoughts and behavior in ways beyond comprehension. I sure would not have imagined what a toll a mental illness can take on an individual until I had one.
You sound like a great friend, I think that individual is blessed to have you. Even if your friend does not express it, I am sure he or she appreciates your help. I do not believe one is likely to express such emotions to just anyone - only to someone they truly love and trust. I would advise to just give gentle reminders of all the positive things in life. Point out the blessings in life, both small and great, - a nice day or the fact that your friend (presumably) has a roof over his or her head. Be positive - it may prove infectious. Support them day by day, but do not encourage griping behavior by agreeing with them if their complaint is unrealistic or unjustified. Again you sound like a great friend. Please look at this way - God may be utilizing you to pull them out of the mire, so to speak, and into a proper fellowship with them. Hang on, act in love always, and may God bless you for your selfless support of another.
I agree with your compassion, but I think unfortunately the situation has already played itself out.
I have experienced depression, PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety, paranoia, etc. I have been in places in my life where I wanted to die because I didn't know how to live anymore and the hopelessness and lack of control I felt (though never acted on it due religious reasons until I grew in my relationship with Christ). In some ways, those things haven't left me or rise up in my life again. So it many ways I am
very compassionate about her situation. If I were honest, it is very insulting to be treated day in and day out as if I know nothing about life and hardships. But the bigger problem is that the general positive attitude has been expended.
I have no doubts that she appreciates and trusts me as a friend. Being there and just trying to be positive is what I have been doing for months. When I thought she was being unrealistic I pointed out the positive while acknowledge her feelings/concerns that were real. When she complained that people were asking her if she was "okay" in public (not realizing it would cause her discomfort) I agree they weren't being sensitive but at least they cared. And that's when she got angry with me, saying I was justifying them and started to put words in my mouth. Her problems are much deeper than what's going on the surface, and unless she deals with them... I can't be her confidant. I would help her deal with them, but the answers I have she doesn't want to hear.
And having been in a place where I was blind to goodness in life, there are times no one can say anything until God moves and softens someone's heart of stone.
Years ago before FERPA and HIPAA, I talked to an organization's professionals about a woman who was continually talking about suicide.
They knew her situation, and said she'd had problems at home, but seemed to be speaking it out to vent, cry out for help, and try to come up with other support or solutions.
It was as though she had cyclical thoughts that she couldn't break out of. Not many people have completely healthy, productive thought patterns and demeanor. Everyone seems to have something going on that makes them feel like life is imperfect.
Your responsibility in the relationship needs to be weighed with the admission that you don't have all the tools to help her, or the full knowledge of her symptoms. A professional might recognize it as something that improves with -x- medication, or a certain type of counseling.
It's good to be caring, and supportive. But it's usually more caring to help her find resources, and help her get to appointments.
suicide isn't something that you should be trying to manage yourself and I am not trying to guilt trip you by saying that this but they really do need help, if you can't provide that then that's ok try to find someone else who can, like a Doctor or a Counselor.
If a person is talking about killing their self then you really shouldn't begin to by critical of them, take a step back and try to call someone or find someone who can help them. If you're not a Doctor or trained counselor then you really weren't ever prepared to deal with that.
I would tell them that I'm not a professional therapist, and that's what it sounds like they need.
Her family is aware of her situation (both mentally and physically), though she kept talking about not being taken seriously about suicide so that might be part of the problem. Unfortunately I live far away from her nor have her family's information (except an address). I'm not sure if I can help much with appointments much less if she'd even allow me to help with that. But I believe you're right that I don't have the tools or all the knowledge to help her. While I know a lot about her, I'm not trained in anything. Not even counseling.
If this friendship has been going on for several years, it's possible that both of you need
counseling...being in an emotional/verbal abusive relationship can wear a person down.
...which brings to mind this word: codependency.
We've been friends for a very long time, but things didn't turn sour until maybe a year ago. I had actually stopped talking to her because I felt like I couldn't be honest anymore (that was hard to take), and only started talking to her again when someone mentioned I should check on her because she had a suicidal history. Unfortunately, things are worse now than ever and after a few months it got to the point all I could do was nod and agree. She wasn't like this before, she even left a friend because that friend was acting the way she's acting now. She's hitting a rough patch but has nothing significant to hold onto.
I probably should get counseling, but I don't think it's codependency on my part. I'm open to being wrong and maybe I'm too open or honest with people? ... but I don't tolerate emotional/physical clinginess much and I have little to no tolerance for people who have problems but won't listen. It drives me insane, and as of late my patients is thin. I'm more at the point of shoving everyone out of my life because it seems everyone around me is drowning or acting in unhealthy ways but they won't grow, they won't listen, they won't heed warnings, but then want my attention when things go wrong. And that's making me grow very resentful.
But thanks to everyone here, after what you guys said I even firmly but gently told my mother today to seek advice from a counselor instead of me because I don't have the education or experience. Which is another relationship that's become strained, because I don't want to be her personal counselor or take the weight of my brothers problems -- she just keeps depending on me.
