Stopping sex..

[California Dreamin']

Just wondering if anyone has personally been in a relationship where you were having sex, and then stopped. I'm in that situation. We want to get married September 2009, and we're trying to wait until then. Right now, it's kind of easy to wait because he has a dislocated hip and shattered pelvis, but I'm sure we're going to need some help later.

 

[Bootstrap]

Right now, it's kind of easy to wait because he has a dislocated hip and shattered pelvis, but I'm sure we're going to need some help later.

When you do get married, you might want to approach sex a little more gently ...

Jonathan

 

[California Dreamin']

When you do get married, you might want to approach sex a little more gently ...

Jonathan

He is a professional wrestler so it wasn't sex related.

 

[unkern]

Why not get married now? Are you going to love him more then, than you do now?

 

[Blank123]

i haven't been in that situation myself but i'd say treat it as a regular relationship where both people are trying to remain pure. Don't let yourselves be alone for too long in places where you might be tempted to go further than you should (don't spend to much time alone in each others rooms/houses) discuss your boundaries now while its not so much of an issue so you know what to avoid later on. Maybe a little kissing is okay but maybe it'll lead one of you to want to go too far in which case maybe you'll want to limit yourself or avoid it all together until you're married. thats something you've got to be honest with eachother about.

 

[Bootstrap]

Why not get married now? Are you going to love him more then, than you do now?

Personally, I'm a real fan of really getting to know each other over time before getting married. And regardless of my own preferences, I'd hate to rush people who weren't feeling certain or weren't feeling ready.

Yeah, sexual self control is really difficult. Trust me, this is an ongoing struggle for me. But that's not a particularly good reason to get married ...

... On the other hand, knowing that there's chemistry there is nice if you're considering marriage!

Jonathan

 

[California Dreamin']

We originally planned to get married April 2009 but moved it back to September 2009... just happened to move the date back the night before his accident. He can't work now, and I don't work, so we definitely cannot afford to get married now, we are still trying to find a way to get the engagement ring paid for, there's $500 left on it. His mother knows about the ring, and he doesn't want his father to know because he thinks he would be furious. So, if he would be 'furious' about an engagement ring, I am definitely sure he would be 'furious' about getting married, and that's another reason the date was moved back... to try and make it easier for his family... his brother just got married July 5.

 

[Sadiegrl]

Oh geez, i am in this same situation...well sorta...my b/f and i have been together over 2 years and we have a daughter and we live together....so i know that we're living in sin and i've become more convicted lately since i have been embracing Gods change in my life...and i just felt that we should stop...so last night i told him and eep he was surprised and not happy at all! how did your b/f take it when you told him?

 

[California Dreamin']

Oh geez, i am in this same situation...well sorta...my b/f and i have been together over 2 years and we have a daughter and we live together....so i know that we're living in sin and i've become more convicted lately since i have been embracing Gods change in my life...and i just felt that we should stop...so last night i told him and eep he was surprised and not happy at all! how did your b/f take it when you told him?

Well, surprisingly, it was actually his idea and wanted it to be my "birthday gift" but he ended up telling me earlier, on the phone, when he was in the hospital... He grew up going to church, and apparently wasn't going anymore, and says he had lost his faith a bit until we met...

 

[Bootstrap]

Well, obviously, this isn't easy.

My girlfriend and I haven't had sex, or done anything particularly outrageous, but there's a natural pull that you're fighting, and we're fighting, and it's always there. When I was your age, they always told me it got easier as you get older, but that hasn't been my experience ...

My first advice would be to really understand WHY you are deciding not to have sex. If you don't actually have a reason, you probably won't be successful, because there are obvious reasons for having sex, and in the heat of the moment, they will probably occur to you ;->

My second suggestion would be to choose clear, defensible boundaries, and keep them fairly stable. For instance, it's not hard to tell if your hands are inside or outside the other person's clothing, that's a clear and defensible boundary. But also choose boundaries that make sense to you, given your understanding of what is right. There are people who choose not to kiss, that makes no sense to me, and it would be a bad boundary for me to choose.

Hope this is helpful ... keep talking with people in here, it will probably help ....

Jonathan

 

[The Nihilist]

Oh geez, i am in this same situation...well sorta...my b/f and i have been together over 2 years and we have a daughter and we live together....so i know that we're living in sin and i've become more convicted lately since i have been embracing Gods change in my life...and i just felt that we should stop...so last night i told him and eep he was surprised and not happy at all! how did your b/f take it when you told him?

Sadie, don't take this the wrong way, but when someone has a daughter, the purity ship has usually sailed. If you don't mind my asking, why haven't you married?

 

[The Nihilist]

It doesn't matter how many times the "purity ship" has sailed though, RP. You have to look at this from a Christian perspective since you are posting on a Christian forum: God forgives. You get redemption. But if you ask for forgiveness and just keep doing the same thing, you aren't going to get any -real- forgiveness because saying "I'm sorry" for something you intend to keep doing is really kinda pointless.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not actually against pre-marital sex. I'm just trying to give you a different viewpoint to take it from, the viewpoint of the more average Christian around here. It doesnt' matter how many times you've done it in the -past-, because that isn't an excuse not to stop doing it -now-.

I'm sympathetic to that, Lynn, and I didn't quite mean it like that.
I mean, she's living with this guy and they have a kid; that's about as married as you get without shelling out at least five grand. I feel like trying to go from that to not having sex is basically trying to backtrack, and it's probably not real good for the relationship. I mean, if they split up and she was dating someone new, then I can completely see that, but with this guy? It just doesn't make good sense.

 

[Bootstrap]

but with this guy? It just doesn't make good sense.

Maybe not to you. But this is her life, not yours.

Jonathan

 

[The Nihilist]

Maybe not to you. But this is her life, not yours.

Jonathan

Oh thanks. I completely forgot I wasn't a 21 year old woman.

 

[California Dreamin']

Oh thanks. I completely forgot I wasn't a 21 year old woman.

I'm sorry but I had a major LOL moment when I read that.

 

[Sadiegrl]

lol i did too...not meaning to go away from the OP, but in response to you RP only recently has my relationship with God set sail...and little by little hes working on aspects of my life and let me know that hes not ok with our sex relationship since we arent married. And we would like to but we dont have the money. Everything is overly expensive in California and we barely make it month by month, that is only God providing for us, and i'm so grateful...but Aaron isnt as focused on God right now like I am...so i'm not claiming to be pure at all...in fact i'm letting God clean me up! So until we are officially married, the sex will have to hold off...but like i said he wasnt too happy about it, but he understands...and maybe it will motivate him to ask me to marry him lol.

 

[California Dreamin']

lol i did too...not meaning to go away from the OP, but in response to you RP only recently has my relationship with God set sail...and little by little hes working on aspects of my life and let me know that hes not ok with our sex relationship since we arent married. And we would like to but we dont have the money. Everything is overly expensive in California and we barely make it month by month, that is only God providing for us, and i'm so grateful...but Aaron isnt as focused on God right now like I am...so i'm not claiming to be pure at all...in fact i'm letting God clean me up! So until we are officially married, the sex will have to hold off...but like i said he wasnt too happy about it, but he understands...and maybe it will motivate him to ask me to marry him lol.

I think what you're doing is awesome..

 

[Bootstrap]

lol i did too...not meaning to go away from the OP, but in response to you RP only recently has my relationship with God set sail...and little by little hes working on aspects of my life and let me know that hes not ok with our sex relationship since we arent married. And we would like to but we dont have the money. Everything is overly expensive in California and we barely make it month by month, that is only God providing for us, and i'm so grateful...but Aaron isnt as focused on God right now like I am...so i'm not claiming to be pure at all...in fact i'm letting God clean me up! So until we are officially married, the sex will have to hold off...but like i said he wasnt too happy about it, but he understands...and maybe it will motivate him to ask me to marry him lol.

You know, if money is the only obstacle ...

You don't need a fancy wedding. When I was first married, we had basically no money, we bought cheap rings, rented a tux, had a friend cater the rehearsal dinner for us as his wedding present, had guests bring food for a pot-luck reception. You can do it on the cheap and it can be fun for everyone.

We *did* put out the money for a wedding dress. I have a friend who recently bought one used on e-bay, and it was gorgeous.

So personally, I wouldn't let the cost of a wedding hold me back, I'd be creative about doing a very nice wedding but doing it on the cheap. And I'm sure people here would have fun brainstorming how ;->

Jonathan

 

[California Dreamin']

You know, if money is the only obstacle ...

You don't need a fancy wedding. When I was first married, we had basically no money, we bought cheap rings, rented a tux, had a friend cater the rehearsal dinner for us as his wedding present, had guests bring food for a pot-luck reception. You can do it on the cheap and it can be fun for everyone.

We *did* put out the money for a wedding dress. I have a friend who recently bought one used on e-bay, and it was gorgeous.

So personally, I wouldn't let the cost of a wedding hold me back, I'd be creative about doing a very nice wedding but doing it on the cheap. And I'm sure people here would have fun brainstorming how ;->

Jonathan

Yeah, we're planning to do it that way but we're still waiting until September '09... and it's the money thing stopping us as the number one reason.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Your bf's unfortunate accident is going to give you some time to get out of your old habits. As bootstrap suggested, you should set your boundaries and discuss them and the reasons for not having sex.

I haven't had intercourse since I was married, but two relationships have gone too far. One of the reasons for not having sex is that you don't know they're going to be your spouse until they are. I was in a commited relationship, but everything changed with a new child custody agreement. We had already gone too far and now he doesn't know if he should remarry while his child is living with him. He would be content to continue with the physical relationship as it was or even go further, which was very disappointing to me. He had told me before about how he wanted to be like some of the upstanding Christian men he knew, but I suspect our relationship was getting in the way of that vision. That is a very real motivation for me-it is in everyone's best interest (except Satan's) that he develop a stronger relationship with God that doesn't consist of continuing disobedience.

Even though I enjoy the physical parts of the relationship as much as he does, I would feel pain at being just a part-time gf. He doesn't get this. Even though some men know this logically, some don't realize how this feels to a woman. Even though my main motivation for not letting our physical relationship go where it has before is for spiritual reasons, I have also considered that it may stall his progress in getting/deciding to marry if his physical intimacy needs are already being met to some degree.

I was led to stop seeing him and he completely understood. I didn't know if we would ever start seeing each other again. We didn't see eachother for a month and just spoke occasionally on the phone. We saw each other for my birthday and the physical chemistry is still there, but I managed to hold things off without any help from him. This has happened a few times now with him hoping we'll resume where we left off. I know that the Holy Spirit didn't guide me to stop seeing him a month just to fall back into our old habits. I have decided to tighten up my boundaries even further so he doesn't keep thinking any second I'm going to give in. I'm going to try something new for the end of our evening. We only see each other about once a week and I'm bringing two books with me tonight. I'm pretty sure he hasn't read Wild at Heart yet and I want to read it. Maybe it will help his spiritual growth or at least keep us occupied. If he's not up for that one I have another secular book that was very touching about appreciating life that I'd like to share with him.

So, there's some ideas: set the boundaries, know why you're waiting, consider his spiritual well-being and growth, protect your heart, and have another activity to keep you occupied. How about cards?