Still in love

[Forhislove]

I am a married woman but I still have deep feelings of love for my ex-husband-is this a sin?-we have not seen each other in 10 years. I think of him all the time.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Why did you get married again??

Warrior Poet

 

[Jenna]

Well, you can love someone without loving them as you would a husband. I'm sure that it is difficult to make that distinction after having that relationship with someone. *nods* I wasn't married before, but I had a long term sexual relationship with a man that I hoped to marry. So, I know how that attachment can influence later relationships. When you think on your ex, is it in a matter of longing? Or are you just fond of him? There's nothing wrong with caring for someone even though they aren't in your life. However, if it is a threat to your marriage in any way, that is obviously far from good. Just remember that those in the past are oftimes remembered in a sweeter light than they really lived. It might be a good time to make a special point to cherish your husband and all of the good things that he is and does for you. Remember to always keep him the #1 person in your life, and your thoughts of affection for your ex shouldn't be too big of a problem.

 

[charligirl]

It's hard to comment because you haven't really given much information about your past or current situations.

WHatever happened between you and your ex, the fact is that you have re-married and you are now in covenant with your husband, he should be first and formost in your life, I love the way the Amplified Bible speaks about a wife's love for her husband in Eph 5, it says

33However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [[6] that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [7] that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].

If you take this as the measuring stick, is this how you view your husband?

Perhaps you still have soul ties with your ex, perhaps your current situation is not meeting your expectations and you are remembering the past as being better. Whatever it is you really need to address it, ask God to cut you free fromj your past and your ex, ask Him to help you love your husband as Eph 5 says.

Choose to love your husband and choose NOT to think about your ex, every time you do start to, replace the thought with your husband and thank God for him, worship God for your marriage.

Hope that helps.

 

[Jengi]

Just remember that those in the past are oftimes remembered in a sweeter light than they really lived.

I so agree with you.

I think it is natural to have feelings for your ex but remember, he is your ex for a reason.Try to focus on the things that really make you happy about your husband and your current marriage.

 

[Svt4Him]

Let me quote myself:

One of the other problems is you will always think of the ex in great light. But here is a story I heard.

God tells you to go on a diet. One day you walk by a bakery and see some nice éclairs, and you think that it'll be nice to smell them at home, but you won't taste them. So you buy them and take them home. Now you have these in your kitchen, and if you dwell on it enough, it will affect your actions. The Bible talks about what kind of things we need to dwell on.

An éclair in my kitchen to me represented the thought pattern I had when I was thinking of my ex. It went something like this: If my wife was to die, would I get remarried? Then I would think about my ex. Before you jump on this, I know for a fact that I'm not alone in this thought, although looking back I can see how bad it was. That was an éclair that I had to get rid of, as I had to make the decision to listen to God when he told me how to treat my wife.

 

[Tangnefedd]

I suppose if you loved someone once, it is hard to fall out of love with them. It is ok to have these feelings for your ex, as long as they don't damage the relationship with your present husband.

 

[Forhislove]

I got married again because I was lonely. My first husband is the one that wanted the divorce-he cheated on me and he married the woman that he cheated on me with and now they are divorced. I don't want to get back with him I only want us to be friends. I could not enter into ant kind of romantic relationship with him because he tells me that he has been with a lot of women. I just want to be friends and that is all although I still love him deeply. Is this wrong of me being that I am married and I know that my husband would not aprove of this friendship. Should I just let it go or risk losing my marriage?

 

[Warrior Poet]

I got married again because I was lonely. My first husband is the one that wanted the divorce-he cheated on me and he married the woman that he cheated on me with and now they are divorced. I don't want to get back with him I only want us to be friends. I could not enter into ant kind of romantic relationship with him because he tells me that he has been with a lot of women. I just want to be friends and that is all although I still love him deeply. Is this wrong of me being that I am married and I know that my husband would not aprove of this friendship. Should I just let it go or risk losing my marriage?

All I can say is that you married for a very bad reason, loneliness comes and goes marriage however shouldnt. You should have just bought a dog. Thats not very fair to your husband now. I see why your husband left that was his choice to do so, which makes it that much harder to let go since essentialy it wasnt your doing. IF you only want to be friends I can understand, what I dont get is why?? What benefits will you recieve out of this friendship. IMO you have other motives, wether you want to awknowledge them or not is your buisness but from what I can tell you love this man so much still you have had the gas stove on for twenty miniutes and you want to light a match..... heres comes the BOOM!!!!!!!
IMO i think its wrong that you are married agian period (with the reaoning you gave). But you are. Live and let go I guess, I dont see anything wrong with talking to your ex but as far as hanging out and such is just somewhere you dont need to go, for your husbands sake and yours, you are putting yourself into a position where you are going to fall for a man that isnt your husband and has treated you very bad. I hang out with my ex, although i do not still love her the way you are describing, we talk quite a bit now, but its a friendship, there is a line there that cant and shouldnt be crossed each of us draw our own line each of us have to make sure we dont cross that line. One of the things I fear is her asking us to work things out (not that i think its gonna happen) but becuase I did love and we were married it would make it very hard to say no, I see you heading in the direction of that realm... could you say no to a hug, to peck on the cheek, to a request to stay longer, I know you would like to think you can, and there is a good chance you could, but from what you have described, I think the struggle to say no should tell you something.

Warrior Poet

Warrior Poet

 

[charligirl]

Warrior Poet has some good points, I think you need to be really honest with yourself about your motives.

Love is not an emotion it is a verb, an action and therefore a choice. Sure there are emotions and feelings that come from it.. which is what you are describing, but you have made a choice to continue to love your ex.... yes that's wrong.

The fact is that no matter what your reasons were, you are now married and you should be totally and utterly devoted to loving your husband, anything that hinders that needs to be cut out.

It sounds like you could benefit from some sound christian councelling and prayer to heal your past hurts and move on.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Love is not an emotion it is a verb, an action and therefore a choice. Sure there are emotions and feelings that come from it.. which is what you are describing, but you have made a choice to continue to love your ex.... yes that's wrong

Funny, I always thought love was an emotion! Generally one does not have a choice, you fall in love, you often can't help that, it is what you do about falling in love that counts, especially if object of your love is in another relationship!

 

[charligirl]

Funny, I always thought love was an emotion! Generally one does not have a choice, you fall in love, you often can't help that, it is what you do about falling in love that counts, especially if object of your love is in another relationship!

Let me expand on what I meant.

We only have one word for love in our language and it acts as a cover all, compare that with what the bible says about love, there are three!! Eros is the physical sensation feelings of love which is what you are talking about, philio is the friendship side of it and agape is 'God' love, that is the love that requires a choice, that is a verb, it says 'I WILL love you come what may'

The world focuses on Eros as the be all and end all and tells young people that once you experience the falling in love of that it's enough for a lifetime. Films peddle this lie too, they show you all the ooshy gooshy stuff of sex and emotion and the films ends on a high and we assume they live happliy ever after.

Too many relationships are started with Eros only, it's not enough and it's not all God intended love to be. Without the philio of friendship it will be hollow, but without the descision to love someone with agape love it will ultimately be doomed.

You may not be able to choose who you are physically attracted to, but you can choose who you fall in love with. Once you are married you will meet other people in your life that you possibly could have married if you were single, you may even start to have feelings for someone else, but you then choose whether you allow those thoughts to take root, you choose whether to love them.

Love is not an emotion, as the bible tells us in 1 Cor 13,

4Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

It doesn't mention emotions and fizzy feelings, rather practical things that we choose to do, we choose to believe the best in someone, or be less self-seeking for example. That kind of love takes a decision and takes alot of prayer, it doesn't accidentaly happen to us.

Consider this (reportedlt true) story, a man is on the verge of divorce and goes to see his pastor to discuss his doomed marriage. The pastor listens to the whole sorry story about how the man np longer loves his wife, and says 'Go home and love your wife' the man is upset at this advice and says, 'I have just told you I don't love her anymore'. Again the pastor says, 'I heard you, now go home and love your wife' the man is getting pretty upset now and says, 'haven't you been listening to me, I don;t love her anymore!!' the pastors says, ' I have been listening and I am saying, go home and love your wife'. The man is now very exasperated, 'pastor, I don't mean to be rude, but you don't understand, I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE'. THe pastor smiles and sayd 'it is you who doesn't understand, love is not an emotion, it's a choice, now go home and LOVE her'...... the man goes away and deliberately loves his wife according to the bible... the emotions come back and the marriage is saved.