Still effected by the past

[elephunky]

So, a little history, I have only ever been with non christians. What can I say? Christian dudes just dont dig me.

Anyways I went all the way with a guy I was in a relationship with when I was 19. After we had sex thats all it was about. Suddenly I was only hearing from him when he wanted to talk about sex or he actually wanted to drive down for sex. He ended up cheating on me.

The second guy used me as the "other woman". Only heard from him when he was interested in sex.

The third guy...well...you guessed it lol. It was pretty much all about sex but there were a lot of other things playing. For example, he always acted like i was privelidged to have him. That he could get any girl he wanted so I was lucky. He complained i didnt sms him enough and then when i smsed him as much as he wanted to he would complain that i smsed him too much. He ended up cheating on me.

So now Im in this relationship with this amazing guy (that i went out with in highschool haha). He is on the other side of the country at the moment. And the stuff that has happened in the past is playing on my mind. Not the sex thing, but moreso the whole, hello every guy ive been with has cheated. And the lack of contact when they decide they are losing interest. So now if i havent heard from him for like a day im all whats going on. (cos we talk pretty much everyday). And im kinda expecting him to screw me over like the others, and Im getting annoyed with myself.

I could let my insecurities from past relationships effect the one I have now negatively and I dont want to let it do that cos he is a really amazing guy.

 

[Bampot]

Don't jump to conclusions too fast, but let him know your insecurities. That you've been scarred by past relationships and you sometimes worry. If he's a good guy, he'll understand.

Also, don't feel too bad about your past relationships. I know plenty of people that have had the same problems. Your story actually sounds a lot like my best friends.

 

[Luther073082]

I would agree you need to be honest about your insecurities.

Insecurities are normal in relationships. Both Melissa and I had them at the beginning of our relationship. Over time the insecurities have gone down, and we feel more secure in our relationship. But I think it would be a lie to tell you that we don't have any insecurities about it. They just arn't as prevelant.

I would possibly take the time and write down on paper. How is this guy different from those other relationships?

I think a lot of times, especially with women they get together with guys that cheat on them and they leave them and the next guy cheats on them, and then the next guy. And then they feel justified to think that "Guys they are all the same." Well no thats not true, its just that they have dated the same type of guy over and over and over again.

So is this guy different or the same? When you get burned by the same type of guy several times, logic says not that "all men are the same" but that you need to look for a different type of guy. And you just have to make sure you learned that lesson from the past.

 

[latteda]

Both of us talked about our fears and our past negative experiences upfront at the very beginning of a relationship. We've continued to be open with any fears that come up because it is true that these fears can easily rule over you and threaten your relationship. Don't freak out, but find some way to mention your worries, based on past experiences, to this new boyfriend. I remember that beginning stage with us, and how we both knew we were both scared, but we chose to face those fears together. Taking those risks together as a couple can build a strong bond if there is communication about it.

 

[elephunky]

I would agree you need to be honest about your insecurities.

Insecurities are normal in relationships. Both Melissa and I had them at the beginning of our relationship. Over time the insecurities have gone down, and we feel more secure in our relationship. But I think it would be a lie to tell you that we don't have any insecurities about it. They just arn't as prevelant.

I would possibly take the time and write down on paper. How is this guy different from those other relationships?

I think a lot of times, especially with women they get together with guys that cheat on them and they leave them and the next guy cheats on them, and then the next guy. And then they feel justified to think that "Guys they are all the same." Well no thats not true, its just that they have dated the same type of guy over and over and over again.

So is this guy different or the same? When you get burned by the same type of guy several times, logic says not that "all men are the same" but that you need to look for a different type of guy. And you just have to make sure you learned that lesson from the past.

Im the sort of person that thinks an entire gender cannot be blamed for the actions of a select few. It is definately to do with the sort of people that they are.

They guy I am with is quite different from what Im used to so Im trying to adjust. His actions and responses to certain situations are going to be different because he is different to the other type of guys I was going for. Still trying to wrap my head around it!

I was honest in the beginning, and he was fine with that, but I feel if I keep mentioning stuff whenever it comes into my head that I will appear to be unnecessarily insecure and he will probably ending up feeling that I dont trust him as a person.

 

[Aibrean]

I wouldn't recommend dating a non-Christian. If you can't share God then the relationship isn't going to be healthy(which is why we are not to be unequally yoked). God should always be at the center. Non-Christian's typically don't share the same moral values and don't see the "wrong" in things and sin.

 

[Luther073082]

You should probably still admit your insecurities but you should try to work out the insecturities as well.

It may help to look at things from his prospective as well. Think in your head assuming for a minute that he doesn't love you at all that you are only something in which to gain for him. Then analyse that verses his behavior and see if any of it makes any sense.

Ok so for example, you aren't having sex and he's taking you out and paying for your dates and other things. Well on that basis you know that he's not trying to use you for sex, it would make no sense.

So try to figure out if he has anything worthwhile to gain from being with you right now (besides love). And I mean worthwhile because if say you give good back rubs or something. Because the back rub is not worthwhile for the other parts of the relationship where he has to sacrafice.

Does that make sense?

PM me if you want more help or want to look at the details more. But I think you will find that he isn't using you at all.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

You have to choose to trust and trust is a risk as relationships are a risk. But also keep in mind a guys actions. I think guys actions often speak louder than words. So if he has been upright in how he has treated you and the things he has done and you trust that he is a man of integrity, then that should start earning your trust. Part of it is that we earn trust by being consistant and integral in our actions and the other part is just the risk that you must take to trust, and trust is at the core of any healthy relationship. Everyone has hangups of some sort. But I think it's important to focus on how your boyfriend has treated you so far and how he has responded to certain situations in differently then the guys in the past. It's not fair to assume or even fear the worst when the person has done nothing to justify such reasoning. Besides fear and mistrust will just hold you back and cause you to put up walls.


Oh and it would also probably be a good idea to go to counselling so you can gain some assistance in getting over any past issues that may hold you back in your relationship.


p.s. I do not recommend dating a non christian by any means, however I am not going to comment further on that.

 

[elephunky]

You should probably still admit your insecurities but you should try to work out the insecturities as well.

It may help to look at things from his prospective as well. Think in your head assuming for a minute that he doesn't love you at all that you are only something in which to gain for him. Then analyse that verses his behavior and see if any of it makes any sense.

Ok so for example, you aren't having sex and he's taking you out and paying for your dates and other things. Well on that basis you know that he's not trying to use you for sex, it would make no sense.

So try to figure out if he has anything worthwhile to gain from being with you right now (besides love). And I mean worthwhile because if say you give good back rubs or something. Because the back rub is not worthwhile for the other parts of the relationship where he has to sacrafice.

Does that make sense?

PM me if you want more help or want to look at the details more. But I think you will find that he isn't using you at all.

That does make sense and now i feel rather silly after seeing things that way!

 

[elephunky]

The point isnt about him being a non christian, just want to make that clear.

 

[Luther073082]

I wasn't aware this most recent guy wasn't a Christian.

Just to be clear, if this guy isn't a Christian I will say that I can't approve of a Christian seeing a non-Christian in a romantic manner.

If a Christian is making God the number 1 thing in their life, I don't understand how they could marry or be with someone who doesn't also make that the most important thing in their life for a long term marriage.

But I also recognize you will do what you wish.

 

[Aibrean]

Yes but him being a non Christian makes all the difference in the world in regards to his actions.

 

[elephunky]

I kinda didnt want to discuss the non christianness. The topic was of my issues, not the fact that he hasnt chosn a faith

 

[Aibrean]

The issue is him being not a Christian is why you are posting here really...that explains those actions of everyone else in the past and why you feel like this. Humans are humans but Christians know better. We have guidelines to follow. A non-Christian does not and they feel guilt or shame in a different way.

 

[Aibrean]

I can't give you advice if you don't want to hear. You'll learn your lesson later.

 

[elephunky]

If you read my original post, you would realise that it was to do with ME and not him. I have no issues with him, I am the one with issues from past relationships.

 

[HKAngel]

I wouldn't recommend dating a non-Christian. If you can't share God then the relationship isn't going to be healthy(which is why we are not to be unequally yoked). God should always be at the center. Non-Christian's typically don't share the same moral values and don't see the "wrong" in things and sin.

I couldn't agree more. My pastor speaks about having a building permit for a relationship from GOD, if you don't have that building permit, if you don't consult with him and he is not present when you're building when it falls apart he will ask, "did you have a permit from me"?​

 

[elephunky]

...

 

[Aibrean]

Let me put it this way...if he was a Christian he can more easily relate to your issue and walk you through them with the help of Christ.

Pray. It's the only thing you can do now.

 

[elephunky]

I dont have any issues anymore, hes helped me with that, it was purely to do with me and nothing else. and he could see that cos he had a similar experience.