Step-son problems

[dd24ck]

I have a little problem that I'm not sure how to fix. The problem is that I have a 4 yr.old step-son who is being brainwashed by his other family. He hates our house, tells us he hates, and cries until we take him home on the only weekend that we can get him (court ordered). The problem really is that I've tried to talk to my husband about putting effort into the problem to have a better relationship/visit with us or he needs to leave him be...but he doesn't seem to want to do either. He is scared to discpline the child or even spend quality time with him. If you need a better explanation of this just let me know.

 

[P3nguin1]

I have a little problem that I'm not sure how to fix. The problem is that I have a 4 yr.old step-son who is being brainwashed by his other family. He hates our house, tells us he hates, and cries until we take him home on the only weekend that we can get him (court ordered). The problem really is that I've tried to talk to my husband about putting effort into the problem to have a better relationship/visit with us or he needs to leave him be...but he doesn't seem to want to do either. He is scared to discpline the child or even spend quality time with him. If you need a better explanation of this just let me know.

Quite often when a child says "I hate you" or "I hate coming to your house", particularly when they are this young, it is because they are hearing negative things from the other parents about your house.

The child has to decide who's approval is more "important" because they don't feel entitled to "love" both parents in this situation. If they love daddy, mommy will think they are bad.

If this is the case it is definately time to talk to the other parent in as non-confrontational a manner as possible. Your husband should try to explain to the childs mother that it is important that the child feel safe expressing positive feelings for the other parnets house.

Sometimes it turns into a competittion of one parent or the other, and the child ends up losing because all they want is the loving acceptence from both parents.

If the other parent is unwilling to talk about it and put the childs needs first then you need to request mediation. The child needs to know it is ok to like both parents houses, regardless of the feelings of the parents.

I have step children and early on in the relationship I could tell that they were afraid to say that they "liked" me. Saying so would be betraying their father.

The best thing you can do for your step son is to continue to try with him, involve him in the solution. Ask him what you could do to make him "hate" your house less. Don't try to buy his love, but let him know it is important to you that he is happy, and you are willing to do what you can to make him happy.

Most of all, let him know that he is still loved, no matter what he says or how he feels about your house (or thinks he feels anyway).

Also, never ever never ever say a negative word about his mother or her house (not saying you did, just cautioning). The more you build up his mother and her house, the safer he will feel. He will learn that he can have his own feelings at your house and that will empower him.

Bottom line:

Love him. Have your husband talk to the childs mother. If that bears no fruit, request mediation. Judges do not look kindly on one parent bad mouthing another parent to a 4 year old child who just wants to be loved.

 

[sioleabha]

Your husband needs to do something about this NOW or he will lose that child's respect forever. If he cannot discipline his child, spend time with him, or confront this issue, he is going to lose his son. Eventually the kid will be old enough to decide he doesn't want to come around anymore.

He needs to step up and be the parent here. Talk to the mother, talk to the child, talk to a judge. Everything he can do. Or he won't have a son for much longer.

 

[Svt4Him]

You can't win a battle with a four year old child, you certainly won't win one when they're fourteen. Obviously he knows what will push your buttons, and since you back down and don't discipline this child, and you will face a holy terror later on. Discipline is a great show of love to a child.

 

[dd24ck]

The problem with this is that his mother still has feelings for my husband and won't let go and it has been 3 yrs. now. She is not a person you want to talk to. She is very demeaning to my husband on the phone and accusses him of all the problems. She claims that he "never" throws temper tantrums at home and doesn't know why he acts the way he does when he is at our house. She claims no wrong. The other problem with getting a mediator is that it cost and we live on $200 a week with 2 loans and another child and my mom helps me take care of that. He does pay $100 a week child support with $35 insurance a week and she only has to pay $250 medical bills a year for him, but the sad thing is that her sister admitted to us that she uses the child support for what she wants and that she is the one taking care of the child. We feel like we are in a no win situation. We have tried a lot of things to try and make him want to stay but he always refuses. He has told us that his mommy told him that it was bad to pray and that he would get into trouble if he did and now he doesn't want to go to church b/c his mommy told him that it was bad.

 

[SelfProtect]

Here is an awesome site and forum board of people dealing with "Step" issues:

http://www.steptogether.org/forum/ubbthreads.php?Cat=&C=2

Its not necessarily Christian but people who have experience with these issues.

 

[dd24ck]

The child told us that he would hate our house less and want to come more if his daddy and mommy were back together. He told us that he didn't want to see us anymore until they were together again. What do you do then?

 

[Evening Mist]

I think the best thing you can do is to listen, empathize, and affirm your love for him again and again. When he says, "I hate you," respond with, "I am sorry to hear that. I love you anyway." When he says "I hate your house," Respond with, "I bet it is hard for you to have 2 families." When he says he wants his parents back together, respond with, "I can understand why you want that. You feel worried and sad about the situation, don't you?"

He doesn't need reality pushed on him. He needs to be heard, understood, and loved. He is saying things that sound extreme because at 4 yo. he doesn't have the correct words to explain his complicated feelings. Its a parent's responsibility to help him describe his feelings so that he doesn't feel alone. And its important to "hear" him without judging him. Don't try to talk him out of his feelings.